Life

Sometimes when I write I go from topic to topic until I can fully develop whatever it is that my heart truly wants to speak onto paper. Yet, I can’t throw away whatever it was that first started the spur of writing. Later I will look at the random scraps of paper and it will take me back to why I wrote each with the squiggly line in between each topic. Somehow I settle on one thing that is coming from my heart. Usually in the form of a Random Rant (as I usually call them) or poetry. How quite fitting then is it that my life is spread throughout over a dozen unfilled journals or notebooks acting as such. Maybe this is the same reason that I can’t complete one topic if another pops to into my head. One of my goals in life will probably forever be to completely fill up a journal front to back with whatever comes to my mind. I love looking back, flipping through the entries and seeing who I was then. What was going on in my life then. The first journal I wrote was in early elementary school, even then I knew that writing would help me.


Life has completely changed for me, quite often rapidly. Sometimes when I read, I start to get swept up by those emotions that I felt then. Taken back to those times, that most often than not are sad, heartbreaking, or upsetting times. One thing I have failed at quite miserably in life has been writing about the happy times. And as winter closely approaches, I can’t help but feel like I am running from the feelings I used to feel. Of despair and depression. Hopelessness and Sadness. Only thing different from then and now is that I won’t allow myself to fall that far into the depths of despair that I felt in high school. That depression did bring me something I can hold onto though, my writing. All of that poetry, and vivid imagery that reminds me of why I can’t fall that far again. When sadness starts to sink into my bones I now have more crutches than just Jenny :-). I now have God, music, writing, my husband, and many family and friends that I could go to if needed.

One thing I love about the changing of seasons is how beautiful the trees leaves turn. I love seeing leaves fly up in my rear view mirror. The crunch of leaves under my feet, and the amazing smell of fall. It smells sooooo good. Yet, it also pesters me, reminding me that winter is nearing. I hate winter; I hate the already current lack of sun. I can feel it…tanning and vitamin D supplements here I come. It doesn’t help that I also feel so disconnected from everyone, especially God. I am lacking in prayer and Bible reading. I need to start carrying memory Bible verses around with me again, it helped to remind me that God is always near. Everything seems so much harder with James on second shift. My body isn’t very fond of this going to bed at 2 am and getting up at 10 am or so. I am always sleepy, I never thought I’d say it but I preferred the 5am-1 pm shifts with James on third shift over these noon-6:30 pm shifts with James on second shift.

I wrote awhile ago a line in my poetry that said, “You broke me so you could heal me, and I didn’t even have a clue.” How sad is it that I always have to get at this pivotal point where I could easily either go spiraling down into those depths of despair that I know oh to well, or jump into the waiting arms of Christ that often become a stranger to me. I will always choose Christ. Even if that leap is a little wide, I know He will catch me. I just hope it will get easier for me to choose Him every day instead of being on this roller coaster.

James will be here soon, and I have promised grilled cheese and tomato soup for our dinner. That’s right while most of you are sleeping, here I sit thinking about making some yummy food.