Update on 50 in 2015

I haven't worked on this as much as I wish. I should have added one to be fully caught up on bills because that has been what we have been mostly focusing on. I am so exhausted and tired of money being an issue. It is awful, like a weight hanging over you. Not even joking. It will be a huge weight off my shoulders once we have my school semester paid off, things caught up, and a plan in place to pay off my medical bills. I have been reading the Bible more, but not as much as I need to. Things will get better. They always do.

1) Get under pre-pregnancy weight (192...currently 214, that means I need to lose 22 lbs)
2) Finish reading the bible (so I can say I have read every book in the Bible)
3) Go to the zoo
4) Go to Boulder Ridge

5) Spend a night with James, away from Matthew (Any volunteers to baby-sit?)

6) Read 10 books for fun. So far I have read 4: Divergent, Insurgent, Alligance, Eragon, and working on Eldest

7) Have a plan for when I will start nursing school back up. I talked with my school, and I will start back up this fall...if nothing gets in the way :-)

8-10) Have all 3 credit cards paid off

11) Pay off all of my medical bills from my Knee

12) Make a business plan for James...for his produce business.

13) Get Matthew into his own room. 

14) Organize our basement

15) Get the shelves hung up in our bathrooms

16) Get prices for re-doing our Kitchen and Living Room 

17) Organize our office

18) Clean up the garage

19) Work on keeping the house clean on a regular basis (I now have an actual chore list for the week, sadly, I am a terrible housekeeper, and my husband is just as messy)

20) Take Matthew to see a movie at the movie theater

21) Take Matthew swimming

22) Take a trip to Frankenmuth/Birch Run

23) Go camping at least one weekend.

24) Go to Catch Air with Matthew 

25) Have a thousand dollars in an emergency fund.

26) Have a month's worth of money in an emergency fund

27) Get pregnant with a healthy sticky baby OR have an appointment set up with Kwak-Kim
28) Go on 12 date nights with James  I have went on 2! So far so good, the next is planned for March 6th my work party. And then early the next morning I leave for a night for my church's women's retreat.

29) Take a weekend trip to either Chicago or Washington DC

30) Purchase set of essential oils

31) Make a prayer picture book for Matthew.

32) Attend a small group on a regular basis.

33) Blog at least 4x a month (that = 48 posts in 2015)

34) Go out for a girl's night out.

35) Go to one of those canvas panting places.

36) Give up McDonald's for at least a month (though I would be okay with water, ice cream, and coffee from here ;-) haha)

37) Host 6 game nights with friends and/or family.

38) Have family photos taken this summer or fall.

39) Look more closely at foster care classes and their guidelines

40) Fence in our backyard

41) Have 5 bonfires

42) Have a swing set or other play thing in the backyard for Matthew.

43) Run or walk a 5K

44) Order wedding photos (Finally!...we have been married for 5 years already...)

45) Go to a shooting range with James

46) Have the money for James to purchase the rifle he wants.

47) Tithe on a regular basis (feel like this should be closer to the top!)

48) Swimming lessons for Matthew

49) Build a cube organizer for Matthew's room

50) Organize all the closets (there are 4 in our house)

Speechless

Sometimes I am left speechless....I will admit sometimes it isn't often. Too many words and thoughts flow out my mouth or linger in my mind. This week has been a failure on the weight loss front, I'm not even going to do a post specifically for it because I am back up to 215.6....that's what my body does when I am not active now a days. Not joking. I am considering asking for my thyroid to be checked, because it seems a bit ridiculous.

Regardless, it isn't just the weight issues recently...work passed me by on a promotion for first shift part time float, I don't know if it was because they simply didn't think about me being off that week or if it is because I have had to call in so much recently in regards to both my back/neck/hips being out of whack, Matthew consuming who knows how much tylenol like it was candy, and my miscarriages. It was like a slap in the face. And I felt like the more I complained the worse of a person I was becoming. I have been telling myself to choose joy, but it has been hard for me lately.

This week I decided to take the plunge and start reading Divergent. I am now on Alligance. I won't like when I fall into books and find life within the pages of the books, an escape of the life going on around me...thinking about the complexities and what I would do if I were the characters in the books. And due to infertility, I think, at times wonder seriously what would happen if she ended up pregnant now? I love books like this....Divergent, Hunger Games, 1984, Fahrenheit 541....ones where the government goes corrupt. I wonder often why it is that I love these books? Is it because I see it happening around us at times? Or the fear that these things could come true, an all too real reality at some point in the future? I don't know...I do know that it perplexes me.

One other note, I had a pretty private resident decide that me, as a float nurse that barely works his hall, tell me that he has a sore on his "crotch." No joke I had to ask to look at it, and he tells me he thinks it is some, "80s disease" or "eboli, it rots you from the inside out." Why do they choose me? Why do my residents who haven't said anything to any full timers, come to me and tell me something brand new?

Speechless and exhausted. And wishing that I could sit (or purchase a treadmill desk set) and write all day long for my income instead of busting my butt at work some days.

Achy

My lands has this been a tough week! Last week my left knee started bugging me. I jogged on the treadmill Friday and Saturday had the worst back, neck, and hip pain! Saturday night it got worse and I had to take my left over pain meds from my knee surgery.

I finally was able to get to chiropractor on Monday, I felt SOOO good this morning! Now? My hips are hurting, which they weren't this morning, and my neck and back are starting to worsen in pain. Ugh!

I work tomorrow and said I would work a double Thursday. So pray it is better in the morning.  I will definitely be going to the chiropractor on Friday again. This is the worst pain I have had.

And to top all of this off I think my period is supposed to start Sunday.  I really have been trying to do better at not tracking have peeked once but that was it. That being said I may have still googled to see if achy joints could mean early pregnancy ;-)

Weight Loss Wednesday - Week 4

I started this post on Wednesday after work, which is when I did my weigh in (so I may have actually lost 2 lbs...who knows)....but I was exhausted. This have been a long week for me. I got passed by for a position I wanted (First shift part time float, instead of pool - It would have meant benefits, guaranteed every other weekend, possibly a set schedule, AND if they needed me to work on my weekend off it would be double time...something they take for granted from me because I am pool).


Weight This Week: 212 lb  Last Week: 213.6 Difference: -1.6 lbs Starting Weight: 218 Total Lost: - 6 lbs (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
My scale has proven to be not reliable on rest of stats so therefore I give up...until I get a new scale. I refuse to believe I have GAINED body fat % and lost muscle while working out. Just saying! Ideally I would love to go and have the local gym do a measurement every other month, or every 3 months to see the difference. 
BMI this week: 33.2 Last week: 33.5 BMI I started with: 34.2 Difference: - 1.0 (My goal for now is just no longer obese so 29.99)

Goals from last week:
Lose 2 lbs So close but so far away! - 1.6 is okay with me for this week, we ate horrible AGAIN over the weekend
Exercise 4 days this week, for at least a half hour total Met 4/7
Count calories daily, staying around 1200-1300 for the day. Met 5/7 days
Meet my 10,000 step goal at least 3 days this week. Fail 0/3
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily. Met 4/7
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water Met 4/7 days! :-)

Goals for this week:
Lose 2 lbs
Exercise 5 days this week for 30 minutes (My real goal is for daily, and my "rest" days to be Yoga...but yesterday Day 1 of the week, I missed exercise)
Count calories and stay under 1300 for the day
Meet 10,000 step goal for at least 3 days this week.
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.
Three days this week drink 1 gallon of water
Have no pop this week!

Long Weekend

Friday I had to call in because I didn't feel comfortable leaving Matthew after he had consumed somewhere in the ballpark of 10-14 Tylenol when I was taking a literal 5 minute quick shower before work. He is too smart for his own good. A whole bottle of 80 mg 30 count Tylenol is non-toxic in case you were wondering but can cause excessive sleepiness and tummy aches. He had both I think.

Saturday James and I had a date night AND got to hang out with 2 of my 3 sisters. It was awesome. We went to see American Sniper and it broke my heart. Good movie. Eye opening. But extremely heart wrenching. During it I started thinking about being a mom who's child chooses to serve in the military and go to war...more tears fell as I prayed for Matthew that if he chose that path that God would protect him, give him discernment to judge others and situations clearly, eagle eyes to be able to see what is going on around him, and for him to return home safely. Tears fell as I told James that this is what I started to think about and tears fell down his cheeks as well.

My SIL asked me to call her Sunday. She was still spotting brown. And cramps are so bad that ibuprofen 800mg wasn't covering her pain. She ended up going to ER and has a sinus infection and UTI on top of pending miscarriage. My heart goes out to her. I told her I would probably get FMLA back dated to cover weekend call ins and then have this week off and ask for a D&C...especially with her endo.

It brings back so many emotions from 4 years ago. Our second loss.  Little Sam. Weeks before SILs wedding. Her telling me to get angry, get over it and move on echo through my head at times. And other times I think about the pain of that cytotec induction for a miscarriage....a baby I had loved and wanted to keep. I literally thought I was going to pass out when I bared down on the toilet trying to get things to pass more quickly. I won't lie I was dizzy and think I saw black nothingness while I was in the restroom. I rested my head on the wall and prayed for it to all be over. I looked pale as a ghost and James almost made me go to the emergency room. It was hell.

I would have choose a D&C if I could go back.... and I told her that as well. Rough road ahead for her and her boyfriend and their kids.

It makes me reflect on when we will tell Matthew when we get pregnant with another sticky baby (I won't lie I almost just wrote if and decided not to). It would be fun to be pregnant with an almost 3 year old, or 3 year old....old enough to understand that there is a baby growing in mommy's tummy. And the pain that it would cause if we told him too soon.

After my Dr told me to relax and I fumed....I have deleted both cycle monitoring apps from my phone. I am not even going to chart how long my cycles are until I am down to a reasonable weigh to ttc. I would love to be able to not be pregnancy symptom watching before my period. Heck to have a period and not a miscarriage. My prayer has been for God to close my womb until it is time for us to have another take home baby. To prevent another loss.

I know God is big and CAN do it. I just don't know if he WILL. It depends what his will and plans are for our life. I am just tired and need a break. James is tired and needs a break.

Confession

My sister in law told my husband over the phone on Sunday she was 7 and a half weeks pregnant. I had already had a tough day. Wasn't able to shake the grumbling and kept telling myself to choose joy without it working. When the news came...James got on the defensive side when he saw my face fall.

It caused an arguement. It hurt my feelings. Felt as if he wasn't sad over our losses or that my sadness wasn't justified. That he had already moved on from our loss less than a month ago. Or that his sister was a half a week ahead of where I should have been.

It was tough. Crying came. Words of frustration from James and words of not feeling valued from me. Our souls were mourning our loss as James finally said, "Jess she is my sister I have to be happy for her. I think about our losses every day and sometimes think the pain of getting fixed and knowing that we can have any more kids together has to be better than loss after loss."

Oh Boy. Tears fell. Hard. He wanted me to call and congratulate her right away. I couldn't do it. He thought it meant I could never be happy for her and a new baby. Then tears fell harder.

I got the courage the next day to text and let her know that I was happy for her but ANY pregnancy announcement is hard for me. And that I was sorry if she felt like I wasn't as joyful at times as she wished I could be for her. It's just hard. Infertility and loss suck.

Then last night sister in law called. She is most likely going to miscarry as she is 8 weeks and baby measured somewhere between 5 and 6 without a heartbeat.

My heart sunk for her. Limbo is a hard place to be. So if you think about it, say a prayer for her. I think she will need it more than she knows. They had already told all the kids. Going to be a tough road.

And I felt guilty for not being able to celebrate right away. And I wish she was doing things within God's design. That she would be married before trying for a baby, but also knowing all babies are a gift....Oiy. I am praying for her and for God to show her his will and his hope for her life. ♡ In the midst of her grief and sorrow if this is indeed a loss and not a combination of late ovulation and crappy hospital equipment in our little local hospital.

Follow Up

So I had my follow up related to losses. Essentially she said I could repeat some of the tests I have already done but it wouldn't change our treatment.  And that I needed to just relax, because then I will probably get pregnant.

Not joking.

She wasn't open to idea of prednisone. Or starting lovenox earlier. It was a waste of an appointment.

I might seek another opinion from a fertility Dr in GR. Ask to have my lining looked at or if he will try o prednisone.

or buy it off the Internet and self medicate.

I am not doing any of the above until I have lost the weight I need to lose.

And we now have a guideline. November 2017 if no baby for us, then James gets fixed. We will be done trying. we will vacation and pursue adoption. ♡

Weight Loss Wednesday - Week 3

Weight This Week: 213.6 lb  Last Week: 214.6 Difference: -1 lbs Total: - 3.4 lbs (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
Body Fat This Week: 44.0%  Body Fat Last week: (same as week before) 45.6%  Difference: -1.6% (Should be 16-23% for "Good" health, my goal for now is "Acceptable" 24-30%)
Hydration This Week: 40.8% Hydration Last Week: (same as week before) 39.7% (Should be 50%)
Muscle This Week: 57.8 lbs Muscle Last Week: 56 lbs (week before it was 58 lbs) Difference: -0.2 lbs still
BMI this week: 33.5 Last week: 33.6 BMI I started with: 34.2 Difference: - 0.7 (My goal for now is just no longer obese so 29.99)

Goals from last week:
Going to be more intense. Lose 1.5 lbs Failed, lost 1 lb.
Exercise 4 days this week. 3/4 accomplished
Count calories and stay under 1420, also I am eating exercise calories. I need to stay under the 1420 for my goal of 1.5 lbs weight loss a week. I didn't count calories this past weekend, so I met 5/7
Meet my 10,000 steps goal at least 3 days this week.  Accomplished
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.  Met 2/7...an additional 3 days I drank either 10 or 11 though
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water. Yesterday!

Goals for this week:
Lose 2 lbs
Exercise 4 days this week, for at least a half hour total
Count calories daily, staying around 1200-1300 for the day.
Meet my 10,000 step goal at least 3 days this week.
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water

I am going to start leaning on God more during this journey of weight loss. I have done it before, I know I can do it again...but it would be much easier if I involved God in this area of my life as well. Because he cares for me, even the small things that may seem insignificant such as weight loss. And fitness.

Proverbs 16:3
Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

I have been thinking more about the WHY do I want to lose weight? I want to lose weight to better my chances of a long life. To be a good example to my son. To decrease my blood pressure medication. To make sure that I am removing the stone from in front of the proverbial tomb that is my womb, I wrote about that here on my family blog, it's a good one you should read it. :-) I want to treat my body as the temple that God created it to be. I want to make sure that there is nothing truly standing in the way of James and I having one more child before we make the dreaded choice to have him fixed so we no longer have to face loss after loss, and the impact that it places on our marriage.  

I want to lose weight and honor God in the process. 

Proverbs 31:7
She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. 
Proverbs 31:17
She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

That is part of the woman I want to be. Energetic. Strong. A hard worker. All of those things are hindered by my weight. I hear people scoff when I call myself fat, I don't say it to be mean. I say it being honest. I am obese. This weight is weighing me down (haha, sorry for the pun). I would like to have strong arms, not only so they won't flap after my arm has started moving...but also so I will be strong. 

On other news I go to my OBGYN tomorrow. I am hoping she will be okay with thought of prednisone from ovulation to 14dpo, and adding lovenox around that time as well, and until I lose weight and my progesterone levels increase...prometrium to ensure that those low levels are not what is causing my losses.  I have a feeling she is going to encourage genetic testing, or send try sending me to a rheumatologist. The downfall of all of this is our insurance wants me to make sure that I use a specific lab site. It is an hour away from our house, one way. I have to still call to see what exactly it does cover if I continue to use my hospital's lab. That is conveniently 20 minutes from my home instead of an hour. 

I am also trying to wean Matthew. He is very resistant. I am okay with 30 minutes a day, which is what it has been most of this week. But today with him not feeling as hot he keeps asking for Boo, so I get up and offer him a water cup or ask him if he wants a snack. I am discovering that when he is asking to nurse when it is not wake up, nap, or bedtime....he is either thirsty or hungry. James and I have also been wondering if he is having growing pains like his brother did around this age until he was about 8. He would cry and cry and cry due to pain until finally a doctor said truly was considered growing pains. 

Regardless, this blog post is now feeling like a book so I should end it now. I will try to update after my appointment tomorrow evening.