Confession

My sister in law told my husband over the phone on Sunday she was 7 and a half weeks pregnant. I had already had a tough day. Wasn't able to shake the grumbling and kept telling myself to choose joy without it working. When the news came...James got on the defensive side when he saw my face fall.

It caused an arguement. It hurt my feelings. Felt as if he wasn't sad over our losses or that my sadness wasn't justified. That he had already moved on from our loss less than a month ago. Or that his sister was a half a week ahead of where I should have been.

It was tough. Crying came. Words of frustration from James and words of not feeling valued from me. Our souls were mourning our loss as James finally said, "Jess she is my sister I have to be happy for her. I think about our losses every day and sometimes think the pain of getting fixed and knowing that we can have any more kids together has to be better than loss after loss."

Oh Boy. Tears fell. Hard. He wanted me to call and congratulate her right away. I couldn't do it. He thought it meant I could never be happy for her and a new baby. Then tears fell harder.

I got the courage the next day to text and let her know that I was happy for her but ANY pregnancy announcement is hard for me. And that I was sorry if she felt like I wasn't as joyful at times as she wished I could be for her. It's just hard. Infertility and loss suck.

Then last night sister in law called. She is most likely going to miscarry as she is 8 weeks and baby measured somewhere between 5 and 6 without a heartbeat.

My heart sunk for her. Limbo is a hard place to be. So if you think about it, say a prayer for her. I think she will need it more than she knows. They had already told all the kids. Going to be a tough road.

And I felt guilty for not being able to celebrate right away. And I wish she was doing things within God's design. That she would be married before trying for a baby, but also knowing all babies are a gift....Oiy. I am praying for her and for God to show her his will and his hope for her life. ♡ In the midst of her grief and sorrow if this is indeed a loss and not a combination of late ovulation and crappy hospital equipment in our little local hospital.