Struggling with sleep...

I have a confession. Little guy hasnt slept in his crib yet.

In fact, he has hardly slept in the bassinet of pack in play.

And I have hardly slept in bed.

Instead we have set up camp in the living room. I sleep in a recliner and he snuggles on my chest. It isnt ideal. But it allows me better sleep than trying to lay him in the swing or bouncy. He will sleep on the boppy, but I cannot leave him in that to sleep. He has issues laying flat due to acid reflux. He gets the hiccups, spits up a little (which is a ton compared to the fact he never usually spits up!), or has gas and doesn't sleep well bc of it.

He actualy sleeps best on his tummy. And I just cannot bring myself to laying him down that way in his crib. I think of unsafe sleep, sids, loosing this little miracle. Because the past has shown me that things do not always have a happy ending. That bad things DO happen to good people, many many times. And to be honest if something happened to him, and I had put him tummy down...I would be a mess. A total basket case.

But the other part of me says, trust God. Just do it. Regardless of how you put him to sleep God has his hand on him protecting him as he sleeps. I am conflicted. If I hadnt experienced the losses. If I hadnt saw my Aunt lose her 21 day old little princess to SIDS...I would have put him to sleep no problem on his tummy already.

Instead I allow him to sleep on my chest, which isnt really any safer...than tummy on crib. Or I allow him to sleep on his tummy beside me on the couch as I watch TV and keep an eye on his reathing, like a neurotic mom.

On another note...I am getting fat again. I was down to 201. But now am up to 206-207ish. Not close to the 192 I was pre-pregnancy. As soon as these holiday cookies are gone, James and I are revamping our eating habits and even though I wont have been cleared to exercise yet, I plan on starting soon. Nothing heavy, just some yoga, and maybe a little Zumba.

And pumping is going well for the most part (I slack sometimes but supply doesnt seem to be going down at all, just concerned about when I go back to work and then add school).

To add to my stress college informed me that I will no longer be eligible for financial aid bc I have too many credits at too low of a level. Well friends that is what happens when you are indecisive and then have to wait to get in to the program of choice. Which by the way there are roomers of it loosing it's credibility. Wonderful.

Gah! I will work on a 1month old post for Matthew as Christmas Eve was that milestone :-)

For now, I need a little sleep until Matthe wakes up wanting to eat again.

Life as of lately....

Oiy! End of the semester with an newborn craziness is OVER thank goodness. I ended up with a B+ in Health Psych, and a C+ in my Stats class (it was a 79%...I needed 1% to get a B-). AND my micro teacher gave me a B+ with ability to finish up the three missing assignments in January after school starts back up to avoid getting an incomplete and chancing a mess up with financial aid. I had some pretty amazing teachers this semester when it came to working with me on due dates and such. I would have had a better grade in Stats had I not gotten contractions the first exam and lost everything in my head resulting in a severely failing grade.

Matthew is doing great, except he takes after me with the tummy issues. He doesn't like to burp (I seriously have tired to learn how to burp, mine sound like a tiny dinosaur is trying to escape from within) and farts like no ones business. But waiting for the farting to commence is sometimes horrid. Because he gets such a tummy ache from needing to burp but fights it. Gas drops help sometimes. As does switching up positions with burping. Or laying him on his left side. He also gets the hiccups if you lay him down too early. Poor little man!

When he is gassy he doesn't sleep flat very well either so it means on your chest, or reclined in swing, bouncy, or boppy.

I have become one of those moms I said I would never be. I let him sleep on my chest in the recliner. It helps both of us get more sleep. I just say a prayer before we sleep (same when I put him down in bassinet when I am also going to sleep) that God watch over him and protect him and keep him safe during his sleep.

Pumping is going great, minus the fact it takes up a lot of time and sometimes I fall asleep while doing it. I feel like a milk cow some days! I definitely have enough to freeze, and I need to start freezing more of it. I now pump at least 3oz every 2-3 hours. IF I skip a pumping the next one I get between 8-10oz. And then there are times like now where I get over 5oz when it hasn't even been 3 hours yet.

Our little chunky man drinks anywhere from 2.5-3 oz every 2-3 hours. Sometimes more, but I think it is more him trying to sooth his sore tummy, so I opt for the paci at those moments. If he would keep the paci in his mouth instead of squirming and having it come out both of us would be much happier, and I think I would get more sleep!

Ok he is starting to fuss, it is feeding time again. SO I will leave you with photo spam....

Our little Christmas miracle

These are our Christmas Cards....just need to print them (just going to do 4x6 photo prints
because it is cheaper....hello unpaid maternity leave!!) and get them sent out soon.

And these are going to be the birth announcements, I am going to get these printed as 5x7 photos
 (again for same reason as above!)

Not sure I posted this one. Matthew was 1 week old!

1 week

1 week

1 and a half weeks

3 weeks

3 weeks

3 weeks

Thoughts on Love.

Tonight I got to thinking, someone posted on my facebook about how she didnt know you could love someone so much, and that you could know if you were a parent.

I have loved rather freely more whole life. I would do anything for friends, my heart aches for strangers.

I empathize for others, feel their pain like it is mine at times.

When it comes to love, as a parent. Let me tell you, I think the love I feel for my son that I am holding onto isnt any different than the love I felt and grieved for with every loss. My heart loved freely with every hope, prayer, and dream. It grew exponentially as soon as the faintest of a line showed up on a pregnancy test.

My heart knew them, even if I neveer got to have a face for that love.

Now, the differences are I have a face for my love. I have a little one that will one day here on earth say I love you back. Yet the love, it feels the same.

I have already began to tell Matthew about how here on Eath he will be big brother, but once in heaven there will be a different birth order because he has many older brothers and sisters waiting to meet us. He is a little brother, just as much as one day he will be a big brother.

I hope Matthew gets the ability to love people. To feel for them, to not be afraid to lend his shoulder for someone to cry on, or cry with them. I pray that he will not be a fair-weather friend, but show true love in being rpesent even during the hard times.

Well he is getting fussy, and my mommy heart just needs to comfort him.

There is homework to do, dishes to be done, and laundry to be folded. But my son is more important than any of those things.

Birth Story in Pictures

Warning some of these may be considered graphic. So don't continue if you don't want to see!

Induction Day 1

See that chair by the bathroom door? Yup that one >>>
That is where Missy slept the first night with a boppy around her neck
She was a trouper!

And this is where James slept, a lot. :-

 Leg Compression-ers...because I wasno longer on blood thinners

My lovely IV pole. At this point there was pitocin, fluids, and penicillin hung.

My view of the lovely belly and the IV site that was killing me! That penicillin made my  vein so inflamed!

Matthew being placed on me for first time

He was so beautiful

James cutting the umbilical cord

I told you, graphic. You can basically see my dilated crotch LOL

I wanted to see the placenta. So there you have it! I think it is pretty darn cool!

O2 on our little guy because he wasn't turning as pink as they wanted.

he was pretty pale.

Add caption

So precious to my heart

Daddy's got his burrito!

Family Picture

Birth Story Part 2

To start with, how about a recap?

• Find out AFI = 4.1 (aka amniotic fluid is low!), induction is recommended. Currently 50% effaced and 0 dilation (darn that cervix of steel I prayed for!!)
• Arrive at Labor and Delivery - to get told we are full, please go have dinner and come back.
• FIVE rounds of oral cytotec - finally 2cm dilated, but still 50% effaced. Just as a timeline, each round of cytotec took four hours, two of which I had to lay in bed hooked to monitors, one hour I could eat something light, and another hour we could walk around. Made it this far with two extra strength tylenol. Contractions 2-3 minutes apart consistently.
• Pitocin is started - was on it for at least five hours, laying in those uncomfortable labor beds, hooked up to blood pressure cuff, penicillin drip, plus the contraction and baby monitors. Dilation finally up to 2.5cm with same effacement. Discouragement. Tears. Contractions are now 7 in 10 minutes. Pitocin is turned off. At this point we are over 24 hours in to the induction. Send James home to sleep because obviously it is going to be awhile still.
• Take a small break to shower, walk around, eat, and then Cervidil inserted. After 12 hours, I am checked again. No change, just irritated cervix. Joy.
• Decide to try cytotec again. SIXTH Cytotec...oral due to cervix irritation. No change. Surprise, surprise.
• SEVENTH cytotec - vaginal. Spread out to every 6 hours for dosing due to different doctor. no further dilation but getting "mushier" they didn't tell me how effaced I was.
• EIGHTH cytotec - vaginal. Right around 3cm!! YAY! 
• Doctor decides it is time to break water, learn I didn't have low AFI (I gushed!).
• Pitocin is started again. Officially in what I would consider active labor. Back labor too. Not so fun.

Back labor was intense, and with monitors I was forced to pretty much lay flat on back because it was the only spot Matthew would cooperate and allow them to have him hooked up. When the doctor broke my water they took off the contraction monitor belt, and inserted the vaginal contraction monitor. By the time I finally talked them into letting me try sitting on the side of the bed so I could have my back rubbed for the back contractions...my cervix was SO sore from the monitor being up there. Back ached from labor (and laying in that horrid bed for over 60 hours at this point), cervix too sore to sit up, feeling miserable.

I caved. This woman that was shooting for completely natural, no pain medications...caved. The back labor, lack of sleep, uncomfortable bed, all made for one grumpy painful Jessica. I asked for an epidural.

Which took three tries to get it inserted into the correct place in my back. THREE. Breathing through contractions hunched over, getting SO angry and frustrated at the process of trying to place the epidural. Before epidural I was not making any change, still hanging tight at 3cm. Moments after epidural and getting cathed (which btw, I had avoided getting up to restroom because of how much pain I was in sadly...they got almost a full bag of urine out of my bladder. Insert jokes about having a nurses bladder already. At least it gave me something to laugh about!!), I was a FOUR!!! WOOHOO!!

Nurse informs me that it usually takes about an hour per cm for first time moms from this point forward. So we figure we have about six hours. Two hours later, after a nap, they check me again and find out I am SIX cm!! WOOHOO!! Baby is trying to come down the canal with head tipped so Dr. P has me roll over on my left side to persuade him to move some. James is getting stir crazy, so he heads over to rite aide to get us toothbrushes and a couple razors. He comes back about 45 minutes later to find me feeling like the baby is coming. Rolling on my side must have helped him engage more! I am experiencing so much pressure I ask James if he will look and see if he can see the baby. His response? "I'm not a *#@$ing doctor." Both of us are on the edge from the induction process and ready for baby Matthew to be here. 

We call the nurse, and of course my nurse is busy! I tell the nurse that answered call light that I am experiencing some intense pressure. She asks if I am feeling it more in my bottom or towards the front. At this point it was towards my bottoms, so she informs me I have a little while still. FINALLY my nurse comes in. She has me roll on my back and agrees to check me. She is rather surprised and says, "We are having a baby! Let me go tell Dr. P." 

The nurse, Christie, has James grab my left leg. And looks at Missy and says, "Hey sis, grab the right leg!" The pushing begins. It was this crazy feeling, exactly what you hear from people that you just KNOW you need to push. I am pushing and feeling like the baby is going to be here so soon, and my doctor still is no where to be seen. Christie is applying the lube and stretching me, when I finally ask, "WHEN IS DR. P GOING TO BE HERE!?!" Her response? "Soon, I am doing what she normally does!"

I am grunting some at this point, and feel like I am being ridiculously loud. So much that I apologize  and everyone laughs and asks me if I have been hearing the other women on the hall! The screams you hear are quite ridiculous at times let me tell you. I remember thinking if the woman put more effort into pushing and less into screaming maybe their baby would be there sooner. LOL And I have to say I still think that to this day!

Dr P finally comes in, looks at me, and stunned says, "Wow! We're going to have a baby! How long has she been pushing?"

"10 minutes."

"Woah! I thought I had time, went to my office, got my pen to sign the birth certificate...." Everyone laughs, except me. Dr P tries telling me to breath through this next contraction. 

I try, I really do, but my body is unrelenting. I manage to say, "I can't my body is pushing on it's own! I need to push!" 

Christie and Dr. P keep telling me I am doing great, especially for a first time mom. Each contraction I get a good three pushes in. And I tell you, I felt like a warrior (minus the epidural that I caved and got haha!). I even got to reach down and feel his head. It was AMAZING!! The monitor keeps losing his heart rate, and I can sense the concern from my doctor. So they do the heart rate monitor on baby that screws into his head with a small needle (SO glad I didn't know this at the time, all I knew was it was internal and could get the one off from my belly!).

At one point I yell (or rather it felt like yelling to me), "I want him OUT!" The nurse and the doctor laugh and again reiterate how wonderful I am doing, and Christie even adds that I am going to beat the woman next door that has been pushing for 2 hours already, with what I believe she said was her second child! 

Finally I am asked how I feel about a small cut, not an episiotomy, just a small cut to help give direction to the tear that is inevitably going to happen. I had been SO against getting cut, but at this point I say yes. She does a small little cut and one more push and little buddy's head is out! SUCH a relief. 

A friend once described the body coming out as kind of like the feeling of a fish flopping out of you, and I definitely have to agree!! One more push and out came our little man! And the shock and disbelief of seeing him. It was love at first sight, I couldn't believe he was finally here. I couldn't believe that he came out of me. 

He cries for the first 30 seconds and then is just alert and looking around. Immediately he is placed on my chest, and James gets to cut the umbilical cord (which James said was like cutting leather!). They take Matthew and clean him up, he isn't turning pink like they want him to, but his pulse ox is 100% with the oxygen on his face. So they continue with foot and hand prints. Then take him over to get weighed. Our little man is officially here weighing 6lbs 3.5oz, 20inches long at 6:24pm, 71 hours after beginning my first dose of cytotec, 6 hours after having my water broke, and only 30-45 minutes of pushing.

Yet this isn't the end. I give a small push and out comes the placenta. At this point I can see the concern mounting on Dr. P's face. My uterus keeps bleeding without ceasing. Thankfully the pitocin is still hooked up. They crank that and the fluids up and slowly my uterus contracts down and bleeding stops. 

Matthew is handed back to me and immediately his color improves. It was amazing to see! I am in awe and with tears in my eyes I ask James if he wants to hold him. His response, "I don't know how!" It was so cute and made my heart so happy to see him with tears in his eyes looking at us. He let me know so many times how great I did, and how beautiful I was. And how perfect our son was. James is a keeper, that is for sure!

I ask the nurse to help pass Matthew to James as I am still hooked up to the IV and the blood pressure cuff at this point. She says to him, "Here you go dad, your little burrito." And his nickname was born :-)

The doctor finishes stitching me up, informs me it was a very small tear and it won't take six weeks to heal. The epidural is starting to wear off and I am ready to get up to go to the restroom, they make me wait awhile and cath me instead.

I get to breast-feed our little guy, he does awesome and latches right on. Not going to lie it brought tears to my eyes to be able to experience such an amazing thing. 

Our favorite nurse is back on at this point, and she lets us know that Matthew needs to head to the nursery within an hour. James goes with him. And I finally get to get out of that uncomfortable bed to go to the restroom.

And that my friends is the story of Matthew's Birth. But it wouldn't be the end of waiting and being frustrated for us. It was just a new chapter!

Two Weeks

Matthew,

How is it that two weeks have already passed? Two weeks. 14 days old already. I love every thing about you. Your little grunts, squeaks, that little noise that sounds like a billy goat, or the one that reminds me of a squirrel laughing. I adore the gassy little smiles. And the cuddles late in the night. Your long fingers, and skinny little toes. The Hillard thought/scowl lines. Your wrinkly old man butt and legs (I cannot wait to see you get some meat on your bones!), and your kissable little cheeks that are just now starting to fill out some.You are so perfect.

You have only been here two weeks but my heart feels like I have known you much longer. Before I carried you in my womb, I carried you in my heart. I carried you in my hopes and prayers. I begged, pleaded, cried, and fought depths of sadness to get to you. All the while somehow keeping the hope alive that one day God would bless us, and give us you. And you are so incredibly worth every moment of that journey.

Today I got out some "My First Christmas" items from my Christmas tote, and Daddy asked me where I got them from. I told him, I bought them before we had ever lived together, on clearance one year. He looked at you and said, "Mommy has been planning for you for a very long time." And it is true. To be honest, before I even knew God, before I would have even dreamed about getting married, I knew that one day I would be a mom.

Right now you are laying on my chest. And you always manage to scoot and squirm yourself so your head is over my heart. You could sleep there for hours and hours. You are so precious to me. My heart is so full. I have to be honest, I was concerned about baby blues and postpartum depression, but I look at you and I don't know how I could be sad. You are an answer to my prayers. You are a miracle. And you make my heart so happy. Any tears I have cried are over how amazing God is, and how incredibly blessed I am. The other day when taking you to town it still felt like a dream, could it be that you really were mine, that I wasn't simply babysitting like I had done all my life? I decided if it was a dream, anyone that came up to pinch me to wake me up I would punch them in the face and run away :-)

You have had a busy first couple weeks meeting family, and friends of Mommy & Daddy's. Then came your doctor's appointment, you gained an ounce! Your next appointment is this coming Thursday and I cannot wait to see how much you weigh. You have been eating like a champ, but last night you had such an upset tummy from gas that we had to give you gas drops for the first time. I am so sorry you got my side of indigestion issues. You get hiccups every time you eat and then we lay you right down.

I am pretty sure you had a clogged tear duct, so I made sure to use a warm clean wash cloth several times a day to clean your eye and rub the duct on each inner eye. It has gotten better, so I am assuming my guess was right, otherwise daddy and I were thinking allergies.

Funny moments have happened for us as well, I cannot tell you how many times you have peed on yourself, in spite of my best efforts to keep it from happening. Then came the time that I decided to try to be lazy and change you on my lap. That back fired on me, and on my light pink shirt. Lovely yellow breast milk poop. All down the front. Hilariously disgusting. I think the shirt is forever stained!

Well it is time for me to go pump, and for bed time.

Love you little man. You are so precious to my heart.

Mommy

One Week Old

Two Weeks Old

Newborn Photos

I promise to soon finish my birth story, I don't want to forget any of it. But for now life is busy with pumping, attempting to at least keep up with dishes and some laundry, and soon adding school back to the mix (turns out I cannot take incompletes in all of my classes, I can do MAYBE one). I did also take a photo of my belly 1 week after baby, so hopefully that will be shown soon as well. AND I would like to add, I only have between 10-12 pounds to lose until I am where I was pre-pregnancy.

SO here are my sneak peaks....

 

Isn't he so precious? I cannot believe that he came out of me, that he is half James and half me. 

My heart overflows with so much joy and happiness.

The lack of sleep cannot bring me down.

I just stare at him and shake my head in disbelief as tears sometimes flow down my face.

We are so blessed.

But I will be honest, I do miss being pregnant, 

and have already begun praying that God will one day bless us again 

and allow us to experience another healthy pregnancy 

(hopefully with a little girl :-D)

Busy Day...

I have a busy day ahead...

Call Family Dr to double check when he wanted to see Matthew (thinking I scheduled it wrong), and possibility of getting bilirubin checked again for my piece of mind.

Call OB for BP check, and to ask about possibility of uterine infection. You read that right. I have noticed a change of smell in lovely discharge. Like it isnt wonderful to bleed for a length of time, add a funky smell, and fear of infection to it (google didnt help, warned it can easily go septic and go into blood stream and into breast milk). Last night while cuddling w/Matthew I had a temp of 99.0 which is high for me, but my hormones could have upped it as well...so I just need a doctor to tell me I am good if I am good or start me on antibiotics if I need them. Oh joy. :-(

Call school about taking Incompletes in my classes and how it would affect next semester's financial aid.

Try to clean the kitchen, and maybe the endstands in living room.

Oh and nap when possible, I am tired. Cannot believe Matthew is 9 days old today, how fast time is flying already...

I need to be able to focus and be present for tomorrow so, nighty night!

Birth Story - Part One (It's a long one!)

Wednesday morning (11/21/12) came and James and I headed into the OBs office knowing I was going to ask for an earlier induction. Matthew's movements had slowed and were making me anxious as in the back of my mind I heard the statistics of loss during the third trimester for women with a unicornuate uterus. To go that far and to lose him was NOT an option. at 36 weeks, I knew that he would be strong enough to survive on the outside, while my womb was seeming to be a more and more dangerous place by the day.

My NST took a little while to pass, he just didn't want to cooperate. Then came the ultrasound. James and I could both clearly see in the Right Upper Quadrant, and the Right Lower Quadrant there wasn't any fluid visible to measure. Then came the left, and all she measured was one spot of 4.1....4.1 is well below the 6 where they decide to induce. I had been warning James that Wednesday was going to be the day, I had spent all weekend and the beginning of the week cooking food to freeze, attempting to finish some chores around the house, and just mentally preparing.

I was right. The doctor said that it was the day for Matthew to come meet us as faces and not just voices. We went home, took a nap, got the rest of the hospital things around, and ran the errands that were needed. At 4pm we showed up at the hospital to start the induction, for them to tell us that they were full and to come back between 5 and 6. I guess that was the first warning of how my induction was going to go: hurry up, and wait.

We went to dinner together at Applebee's. I started having contractions 5 minutes apart and thought surely we were going to have a Thanksgiving baby. Boy was I wrong. The doctor had checked me at the appointment I was 50% effaced and not dilated at all. Cervix of steel wasn't ready to let Matthew join the world. I wish I would have asked after the first day on IV fluid and not doing anything all day for them to check on his fluid level again. It would have saved us several days in the hospital, and probably the struggles we later had with our little man.

They decided the first line of defense was going to be cytotec by mouth. I was SUPER anxious, because I remembered how painful doing the miscarriage with cytotec was. Then they explained to me that with an at home miscarriage they usually use 600-800mg and for induction it is only 50mg because baby would not tolerate a higher dose (I looked once home I had taken 800mg vaginally, and then 400mg by mouth). When doing cytotec you are allowed ice chips, and are continuously monitored for both contractions and fetal heart rate the first 2 hours after taking the pill, followed by a two hour break where you can move freely and eat the first hour if you are feeling up to it. And I was! We walked so much around that third floor of the hospital I got to know the faces on the walls pretty well. After several (I cannot remember at this point if it was four or five...) doses of cytotec by mouth, they decided to just go for the pitocin. I was 2cm dilated at the point and not any further effaced. In the hopefulness of the nurse, she started my penicillin IV for my Group B Strep. Bad choice...after two doses that vein was trash, it ached, it was inflamed  and let me tell you I could deal with the contractions much better than the burning of the medicine going into my vein. Crazy how certain pains affect people differently.

The pitocin really did nothing for me other than make my contractions too close together so they ended up shutting it off. And taking another try: Cervidil. They let me have a little break, I showered, ate and then said OK I am ready to go. I believe by this time it was Thursday night. My sister stayed with me and I let James go home. James was fighting off a cold (actually Thursday they said he was showing signs and symptoms of bronchitis but his lungs sounded clear *they did this when he had pneumonia last time as well* so to play it safe for both his and Matthew's sake they gave him antibiotics) and the spot they had for him to sleep was horrid. Especially for being a bigger guy.

The nurses kept telling me that by looking at my little guy on the fetal monitor strip they would not guess he was a low AFI. I guess I should have taken this as their hint to tell me ASK FOR ANOTHER ULTRASOUND! By Thursday I was miserable. I was tired of laying in the hard beds, by back ached from back labor, and I was getting cranky in general with so many contractions but lack of change in my darling cervix.

Finally I was at 2.5cm, but still 50% effaced. Doctors came in and gave me the option of c-section. But I stood my ground, I plan on God allowing us to have at least one more child, and I did not need the c-section to add to my risk factors. They decided to go ahead with another dose of oral cytotec because I was feeling SO tender near my cervix due to the cervidil. Surprise, surprise...it did nothing. THEN came the big guns, cytotec vaginally.

My contractions got a bit stronger, I started to feel my cervix change a little bit. One pill wasn't enough though, another vaginal cytotec was used. FINALLY I was somewhere between a 2.5 and 3cm when Doctor P came in and told me she thought it was time to break my water. I was entirely for it at this point! And boy were we in for a surprise.

It took a little bit, but finally my water was broke. And the flood gates opened. I GUSHED, it felt like gallons of water. Definitely like I had just peed all over the bed. But good news, the fluid was clear. :-) The doctor was surprised and kind of looked disappointed in the fact that I had laid in bed all this time for essentially nothing, she said, "Well, that's definitely not an AFI of 4. But there's no going back now. You're going to have a baby!" Pitocin was started back up, and labor had officially begun for me at this point.

And now bedtime for me, Matthew has made a few squeaks, so soon he might want to eat again then praying for a 3-3.5 hour stretch of sleep. I am going to pump and then see if he is waking up by then. I will leave you with one picture of my little peanut today, as he is now one week old (how CRAZY is that?)

Another Baby Matthew Update

I have been one busy mama. I am pumping every three hours, except at night for now I spread them out usually to every 4. I figured I might as well enjoy a little extra sleep while he is in the hospital.

Milk is coming in quite nicely, I am pumping anywhere from ounce to two ounces every 2-3 hours. Depending on when I can no longer take the achey full feeling. Seriously, I woke up and was like WOW where did these puppies come from? They are hugacious!

Side not, my lactation consultant said if you need metformin to get pregnant, it is best to continue because some women with PCOS need the meformin to produce milk!! I believe it too bc my supply dramatically increased when I started my metformin back up, and I am only on 500mg once a day XR.

Now what you are really curious about, Matthew. Our little boy is perfect. I really do not know how we got so blessed with such a peaceful little man. He only cries when getting diaper changed, blood drawn, or when he is upset I am trying to burp him. Even the nurses tell me what a good baby he is, they are in disbelief I think. They love rocking him because he is such a cuddle bug.

Matthew has lost 6.7% of his body weight. They just started enriching my breast milk up to 22cal/oz to match his formula. Which by the way he hasnt needed because with him eating 45mL every 3 hours I am 3 feedings ahead of him! :-) the lactation consultant and my nurses have been amazed at my supply thus far. I just pray I can continue to stay ahead and avoid formula if at all possible.

Ok back to Matthew, kind of scatterbrained still, at 6% weight loss he was down to 5lbs 13.4oz from the 6lbs 3.4oz he was born at. Yesterday morning we went to his 630 feeding, and we were surprised to find him chilling in a biliblanket. The nurse being proactive in trying to get him to come home early ran his bilirubin test 3 hours early. It came back at 14.2 and the max was 14 to not need it. So we had a glow worm yesterday!

I will update more later, we are just arriving at the hospital. I am excited to see him! :-) Makes my boobies ache lol

Baby Matthew Update

I will work on birth story later, but for now I will tell you how perfect our new little buddy is...and hire sad we were to have to leave the hospital without him.

He was having issues keeping food down until we switched to neosure (preemie formula), which was causing his blood sugar to drop below normal. And his bilirubin was borderline. The combination if this made them choose to keep him. He is currently doing much better and taking 20-25ml every 3 hours. On top of trying to breastfeed and drinking whatever I expressed. YAY!

Excitement tonight was pumping 9-10ml out of my boobies, disappointment was spilling about 3ml. lol then stepping in dog poop. Welcome home.

Good night 645 is going to come early for next pumping.

Matthew Isaac!

After a long and hard 71 hours of induction, and 30-40 minutes of pushing (with a much needed epidural) our baby, Matthew Isaac made his grand appearance into this world at 6:24 pm, weighing in at 6lbs 3.5 oz, and 20 inches long!

                                                                   Our Little Burrito

Me, Gauge (SIL's son) and Matthew

                                               *picture uploaded by Matthew's Aunt Missy, family picture to come :)*

Inducing Take 3...

So the pitocin wasnt working for me yet, cervix of steel was too set in its way. All it was doing was making my contractions come too frequent, not making them all that much stronger.

SOOO...at about 1230 they turned off the pit and 1am I got off the monitors and IV and was able to walk around and EAT! :-) though I dont feel like eating much I am feeling rather constipated (thinking it may have something to do with my crazy dream about pooping the baby out ;-) LOL).

The nurse said to let her know when I am ready to go back on the monitors and get the new med inserted up near cervix. I am going to ask for more tylenol and try to sleep. Both naps I have gotten have been after 2 extra strength tylenol. So I am hoping it will help once more.

I sent James home around midnight so he could at least be refreshed for whatever tomorrow brings. And so he can be more functional when we bring the little guy home. My only fear is him not waking up and missing out on his delivery some how. My sister is going to sleep in the recliner in the room (James is a bigger guy so it definitely wasnt comfortable to him, though he could have fooled me by the sleep he got...)

Note to Matthew: cooperate and get more engaged in this delivery, this -1 position isnt helping anything.

Note to cervix: please work with the meds this time.

Note to self: it is okay to get an epidural if you feel you need one and get too tired.

Pitocin has started (updated)

Well pitocin started. Was at 1 for half hour, then at 3 for half hour, and just got bumped up to 4. Not really feeling much yet.

Long process. They predict that Matthew should be here in the morning. So hopefully a max of another 12 hours.

In an hour I will have been here for 24 hours. Pray for easier delivery time!

Update: Well now been here for 27 hours. Been on the pit for like 4-5 hours. Dilation is a whopping 2.5cm and same effacement. Discouraging. Frustrating. And there have been waterworks.

At one point they had to decrease the pitocin 2 half hours in a row due to having 7 contractions over 10 minute span regularly. Gah!

Getting induced...

Fourth round of cytotec...2cm dilated, 50% effaced. Darn that cervix of steel!!

Fifth round of cytotec...havent been checked yet but 99% sure pitocin starts within next hour. Pray for me!

Contractions are abt 2-3 minutes apart. I am tired, but getting used to the pain. Praying little man is here before tomorrow comes.

Blah.

I have made it this far with just 2 tylenol. Going to ask for another 2 I think to try sleeping some more before contractions get too terrible.

Induction...

Inductions suck. I would rather have gone through this at home. Instead I am stuck here on monitors for 2 hours on, 2 off. Cytotec round 3 begins in about an hour.

Let me tell you contractions 2-3 minutes apart when you arent dilated, and only 50% effaced seems unfair! lol

And to top it off little booger is posterior facing making me have more back pain. Which is compounded by being unable to move in bed.

Induction Day

Today is induction day at 4pm. Lots of prayers and thoughts appreciated. Hoping to avoid c-section. I am not dilated, but cervix is very soft and baby is super low. So here is to hoping for a speedy labor and delivery! We are getting induced due to low fluid, this week it dropped to 4 (from almost 8). So it is definitely time for his happy birthday! Contractions have been about every 10-12 minutes....getting a bit closer. So hoping that with a more cooperative cervix things will pick up quickly.

We are going to have a turkey baby :-) So much to be thankful for this thanksgiving.

Sorry so quick but there is plenty for me to do before we head up to the hospital. List for myself...

Pick up and Vacuum
Start another load in dishwasher
Do a couple math assignments
Pack our pillows and blankets in car
Divide up Jack's food so it will be ready for family to feed him
Take a last photo in my dress and bare view of tummy

Love you ladies and if I don't get a chance to say it on the day...Happy Thanksgiving!!

False Hope

Last night for about 2 hours I had little contractions 15 minutes apart, I had hopes that they would progress and help me to dilate because I really have this feeling Wednesday may be little man's birthday due to fluid issue. BUT I would also love to be wrong because Wednesday night is double time for me :-D, in fact I may even ask the doctor if we can wait one more day if fluid is borderline. Quite sad, I know. But one day will equal two days of pay...and if it is going to be last pay check for awhile I'd like it to be a bit bigger.

This morning I have had a few contractions, but they have stopped. Then I suddenly got to feel what people talk about of pressure on cervix, it is kind of strange like the baby is knocking on your cervix saying, HELLO, Let me out of here! I am hoping this means that I will start dilating soon, because I would love to avoid medication for when he comes. Minus the IV I will have to have for antibiotics due to testing positive for Group B Strep.

Anyways, busy day planned for today:

Write paper for health Psych
Do some Math homework
Bake a crap ton of Banana Bread...and possibly some muffins (going to freeze it for when baby is here)
Bake some chocolate pumpkin spice cookies (freezing some of these as well)
Bake 4 pumpkin pies (1 to freeze, one for dinner tonight, 2 for family thanksgivings)
Bake cake to make Jello cake
Make my very own thanksgiving meal for friends! (Turkey *first time attempting this!*, mashed potatoes, yams, stuffing, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie...then friend is bringing rolls & pop)
Turn left over turkey into two turkey pot pies for freezer
Start some white chicken chili to freeze (might end up adding some turkey to this as well)
Pick up living room, including bringing the baby's things upstairs
Wash last load of baby clothes
Fold and put away whites, towels, and other clean laundry
Load fully packed hospital bags to car

Tomorrow's Plans: 

School
Homework (and possibly Math exam if I get enough done and am prepared, otherwise this may be Wednesday as well...if not then Friday if baby hasn't came. Needs to be done before Tuesday!)
Make cinnamon rolls (freezing some for when on maternity leave!)
Make sausage biscuits and gravy (freezing some yet again)
Make a big batch of taco meat (freezing some for tacos when off, and some for walking tacos...craving them yum!)
Make two freezer batches of tater tot casserole
Bake the easy little pizza crescents to freeze
Make a batch for fridge, and batch for freezer of homemade Mac n Cheese with smoked sausage
SLEEP before Wednesday's appointment, just in case.

So there you have it...Wednesday will bring good news either way...either a happy early birthday or another week of allowing him to bake with less things to do around the house!

Ok time to get motivated!! Lots to do, and need to fight the urge to take a nap! (the urge wins most days, and probably will take over at some point, sadly)

P.S. My belly button now has a meager 1/4 of inch to maybe an 1/8 of an inch left in depth...I had such a deep belly button that it is amazing to me :-)

Photo and 35 week appointment

 Like how there is no photo? seriously...lazy!

I have been busy, busy, busy. And super tired. Balancing work, housework, school, and pregnancy isn't so easy. Makes for zombie Jessica.

This last appointment my amniotic fluid was lower than the week before. They told me to make sure I was doing my kick counts 2x a day and if fewer than 10 movements in 2 hours then to call them if after office hours go right to the ER. It was 7.94, I worked the night before pretty sure I was dehydrated...but we shall see. Makes me kind of wonder if I have a small amniotic leak and have just been thinking that it is normal discharge from pregnancy. Anyways my doctor said six or less and it is happy early birthday Matthew!

My next appointment is the 21st (Wednesday), so until then my goal is to drink at least a gallon of water a day. Yes 128oz of water, on top of whatever fluid I get from fruit and other beverages. I did it the first day, yesterday I wasn't close. And today I have gotten 48oz in thus far. *Sigh*

On a high note he is in the 68 percentile his guessed weight is to be 6lbs already!! Holy guacamole. And as you can tell by the photos above, I have dropped quite a bit. Making me need to run to the bathroom more (especially when he is active) and making the waddle to make an appearance at times.

Yesterday was my birthday and I was feeling quite depressed. 25 years old. It might have been hormones. But I made my own cake for work, I had one friend physically call and wish me happy birthday, the rest were via facebook and text (talk about depressing right there!). I am thinking Monday night when we have a big turkey dinner with my best friend and her hubby that I may have to treat myself to a small DQ ice cream cake...it sounds so good. Anyways, I am starting to feel huge. I wouldn't trade it for anything but getting sick of acid reflux keeping me awake and being uncomfortable in my own skin. I have truly been blessed this pregnancy with lack of uncomfortable symptoms for the most part.

My coworkers keep reminding me of how wonderful it is to have me be pregnant versus all the other women at work that treat pregnancy like it is some disease that makes them unable to work. I get told I am a trooper and all that good jazz. Do I over do it at times? Yes, certainly...because I am one to jump up if there is an alarm, or a call light. I am one to book it to a room when there is a resident crying out. And I hope to one day have an aide like me if I have to be in a nursing home. One that comes in with a smile, even if her feet are hurting, and asks, "What can I do for you honey?" (Yes, I do use the "terms of endearment" such as honey, dear, and sweetie....the residents I work with really don't mind and smile when they see my face). Anyways, I was bemoaning working with one of my pregnant co-workers that milks pregnancy. Maybe her pregnancies really do suck, but I can remember last time she went home early all the time...and this time it is the same. Complaining, complaining, complaining. She is not even 20 weeks yet and is already having sciatic pain...oiy we are all in trouble! Here I am squatting, booking it room to room, and transferring people without much of an issue other than the round belly that gets in the way, and there she is teetering room to room, with a grimace on her face, and such....oiy!

After complaining to co-worker about how I feel like a whale and am sick of other one's complaints...I walk down the hall towards my end of the building. When I hear her yell to me, "I can't even tell you are pregnant from here Jess!" Congrats to me, I am obviously all belly. My ass looks the same ;-)

There is so much I need to accomplish before wednesday just in case they decide to have a Birthday Party for Matthew that I need to let you go. And fight the urge to go take a nap.....zzzzz. But there might be some ice cream in my future for doing the dishes and laundry, reward system right?

Life...

Busy, as usual. I am in crunch time for EVERYTHING or so it seems. 4 weeks or less until Matthew's arrival.

Which means 4 weeks (or less) to try to finish all of my school work, the earlier the better.

4 weeks to finish preparing freezer meals, clean our house, figure out what cupboard is going to hold baby bottles and such, hopefully get a glider/rocker, and the dresser for the baby's room.

4 weeks. Four. As in counting your fingers, and not your tumb. On one hand. One! :-)

How has this gone by so quickly? Not going to lie, I would almost be okay if my dream about discovering we are pregnant in March would come true...as long as I have lost this baby weight (220 now in case you are curious, 28lbs....and I really feel it is all baby, but am sad I am nearing gaining 30. May God help it be shed VERY quickly!). Because I have enjoyed this pregnancy. Me. Pregnant. It is unbelievable even to me at times. Feeling his kicks, the round belly..., even the humor in my lovely female jock strap (aka the vagina sling as I have kindly named it). Or the moments that I prayed to God to puke, just so I could feel better.

How has this passed me by so quickly? I am sure this is only foreshadowing for how quickly it will feel our son has grown up....

Right now he is pressing on the right side of my pelvis bone and it feels so funky, kind of a tickle/pressure mix. Then he kicks middle of my upper stomach. It cracks me up, how can you love something so much that you have never met? My heart loved him even before God placed him in my womb, but now it seems the love just grows and grows. Like when he is quiet for quit a bit of the day, but as soon as I get around my nephew he goes CRAZY! He loves him, recognizes his voice because he talks (quite loudly) to my belly each time I see him. Or when I finally cave and drink some caffeine and he starts doing what feels like jumping jacks. Or when he gets the hiccups and gets SO angry that he throws a little tempertantrum where both arms and legs make my belly look like I could be having twins instead of just one.

A few people have made comments aout fear of something still happening, and while I know this is a very real (and terrifying) possibility. I have to trust that God will protect him. I have to believe that my prayers for functioning placenta and umbilical cord, no umbilical cord accidents, and overall health of my child will e answered by God.

I was half thinking/half praying the other day, and it hit me. While it is harder on us when God takes our babies early, it is probably easier on God. As a parent you want to protect your child...and this world isnt a pretty place. How much more it must pain Christ to allow His children come to this Earth instead of directly to Heaven with Him. For that, my children are so blessed to not know some of the lessons of this world...even with how hard I grieved losing them, even with how hard I stepped back and questioned God.

I cannot wait to meet them one day. I cannot wait to see Matthew's tiny little body and discover what parts of myself and what parts of James God decided to give him.

I dont have much longer to wait. Four weeks...4, or less! Oh my! Speaking of which I better go study some more! Oiy!

SO TIRED!!

It seems on the nights that I can sleep in if I choose my body decides to go into crazy acid reflux mode (I bought some pepsid today to hopefully combat that!!!) and the nights that I can only sleep for a short time I sleep so hard that I cannot function for awhile in the morning. Last night was one of those nights. I have been so busy lately with appointments, school, work, and trying to keep up with our never ending disastrous mess of a house.

I do find myself playing dice with buddies on my phone a little too often. I should cut some of that time out, but it helps me relax and just not stress about everything I need to do...until I realize I haven't gotten anything done :-(

Monday was my 34 week appointment. Everything is going well doctor isn't concerned about my blood pressure going high, especially with the low readings I have been getting. I have been naughty and switched up myself how and when I take my blood pressure medicine. I take my BP often enough that I will catch it if it is starting to get higher. Lately I have been able to skip taking it at night (unless I am working) and take a half of pill about mid-day. If I am in the low 110s to 100s forget taking the pill at all, because the migraines that come to me with low blood pressure are HORRID.

The doctor did offer me strong medication for the headaches that I have been experiencing, but honestly they haven't been too bad since I have been watching how and when I take my blood pressure medication. Next week I will bring it up to the doctor because I will be with my normal practitioner at the office.

My urine didn't have any protein (YAY) and the doctor's haven't said anything about my weight...but let me tell you I feel like a COW when I step on and see what it says there fully dressed! Little man does NOT like the NSTs at all. He either doesn't cooperate and manages to avoid the monitor so they cannot get very good heart accelerations on the monitor, or he kicks the poo out of their machine and passes with flying colors. When he avoids the monitors it is quite unnerving at times. This last time they took the reading out to the doctor to see what he had to say before they chose to take me off from it. He decided that with a constant heart rate and me feeling movement, it would be best just to move onto the ultrasound portion.

Which I was so happy to see him again! She didn't print any photos for me, but that's okay because seeing his belly move as he was breathing was quite enough for me. It was the first thing he did to show off. She said it is usually the hardest thing to catch at this point, and he was doing it without any issue. I also got to see how big his feet are again. I promise this will probably bring some pretty good chuckles when he is finally here, because minus the hair...I might have a big foot growing in my belly. :-) His feet are so big that some people think at first they are feeling his bottom...No joke. but then one "cheek" will move and I am like yup, those were his feet not his butt!

And then I got to see him blinking his eyes again. I still say his nose looks a little funny on ultrasound, probably because I am so self conscious about mine being large that I worry for him...at least it doesn't matter so much on men :-) hahaha....oh boy I am tired.

So sleep is calling, after I switch over a load of laundry to finish in the morning (and maybe the dishes as well...) and feed our Jackers. Who by the way is having issues again. He isn't due for flea meds until the 8th and the poor guy is so broke out on his tummy. I gave him a bath last night and all I could find was ONE stinking flea. I don't get it. It has to be from our outside cat rubbing up on him. We haven't had flea issues since we have lived here...I am not liking this one bit! So I have been giving him some prednisone to help him heal from the allergies, but on top of the flea issue he has also been having pooping issues. I bought him some yogurt to mix in with his oatmeal and fish to hopefully help his digestive system work itself out. If it helps him, we will add it to the expensive dog food diet. I just want him to be healthy! I prayed over him while giving him a bath, to others I am sure I sounded silly but I believe our God cares for the things that seem meager to us as much as he does the "big" stuff.

I will post photos soon...I am a slacker!

Nighty night!

Ooooh and I forgot, I have one freezer meal for us for when Matthew shows up. It was going to be taco casserole, but then I decided if they said the chips were okay in that why not just make some nachos? So that's what's waiting in the freezer a pan of delicious nachos with mushrooms, onions, and black olives! Add to it sour cream and salsa once warmed up and I am sure it will be just as delicious as the extra pan I made tonight :-). Next on my list is a cheesy pasta ham bake. Then next week will be our thanksgiving meal with the two of us that will add to our freezer another thanksgiving meal (at least turkey, and a few sides...but most importantly pumpkin pie), turkey pot pie, and white chili made with turkey instead of chicken. I also plan on doing a pan of lasagna, regular chili, and probably tater tot casserole. I wouldn't mind some mac-n-cheese with smoked sausage either. The nice thing about doing the freezer meals is I can make two of one meal in one night, have dinner (and a few days leftovers) plus a meal that will do the same in the freezer. I could get a hang of this! I just wish we had a stand up freezer for better organization.

Headaches

I am SO over having these darn headaches. If they are blood pressure related it is due to LOW blood pressure. I was supposed to take my meds about 15 minutes ago, but took BP and it was 108/74...um no, don't think I will be taking it for awhile. I took it last night because I had a headache and realized I was a little late, an hour later took my BP and it was 98/62...so I have no stinking clue what is going on.

Eventually last night's headache turned into a migraine. I cried. I took 2 extra strength tylenol with some pop (for the caffeine, because it is an ingredient in the migraine meds my husband took when he has had them in the past). I even suffered through looking at my phone (the light was killer) looking for acupressure points to try. Which FINALLY allowed me to fall asleep around 130 after fighting and trying to sleep for close to two hours.

I am not sure if it is hormonal, blood pressure, or weather change related. But it needs to go away. I had to call in last night, and did so again tonight for fear that it was going to turn into a migraine again. I thought about calling my aunt to see if she would do my blood sugar to see if that is an issue because I have been waking up with headaches more often as well...and then my BP is fine (not high like one would assume). But seeing as it is already past 10 I don't think that is an option tonight, tomorrow maybe though.

So right now I have music on low, planning on doing some laundry, and hoping to get some homework done...but if headache gets worse the last part definitely isn't happening. Which blows because I would like to go take my test Monday at some point to get a few extra credit points in my statistics class.

In all of this, I am thankful Matthew has stayed active letting me know all is well with him.

Hope you all are having a better weekend than me!

Photo Update

The crib! :-)

Small view of nursery...it STILL isn't done all the way
(and probably won't be until beginning of next year)

My Halloween Shirt! :-)

I am pooped, have headache (I think BP is a little on the low side, and I may be a smidge dehydrated due to the two cups of coffee I drank at work *mostly decaf, don't worry!*), and am getting ready for sleep.

One funny story before I go though, the other day I was cleaning (scrubbing the carpet, Jackers had an upset tummy and had an accident :-( poor puppy) without a bra on. Well...all of a sudden I felt a wet cold spot on my front. I looked down and an eraser sized spot was right by my nipple...I lactated! LOL I laughed so hard (and got a little excited, maybe this means I won't have too much of an issue breast feeding ;-) hahaha)