Praying and Finding Peace

Monday I got my hCG and progesterone tested. Results were 561.3 and 14.92 respectively. Progesterone should be 15-20. So I am on 100 mg of progesterone 4x a day again. Have a feeling this will be normal with any pregnancy so I should just get used to it. At least I know progesterone isn't an issue this time as close to being normal that it was. I had my hCG tested 48 hours later and it rose to 991.7 a 57% rise and they say a 60% is good. So that is just below normal also. I am hopeful and praying God will take care of this, that my fears would be quieted and that I would just find peace. I believe in my heart that I am meant to be a mommy and that this child is the first of my own I will hold in my arms. The first that I will get to see on an ultrasound and see his or her tiny heart beat. I have faith. Doubt tries to creep in, but the verse from Joshua 1:9 calls out to it pushing Satan back into his slimy little place. God says, "Have I not commanded you? Do not be afraid, Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be will you wherever you go!" Therefore my fears and anxieties (both of which He already knew about before I apologized for them) have no place. He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, an Almighty healer, and My God.

My tummy may be bruised, this extra progesterone may make me extra weepy, but I still have my GOD and my baby living inside of my tummy. Praying so hard for this one to stay. Less cramping than last time, not intense just annoying. MUCH higher numbers on both sides. And a little less stress around here I think. Closing date for house is set Jan 31st and I have peace and faith concerning that also.

I love you Lord, and I am praying for a miraculous out come. That James and I would be able to add Mommy and Daddy to our list of titles. To hear a child call my husband Daddy excitedly is going to be amazing. I hear the kids at work and my heart melts. To see a child run up to his or her mom and leap for expected hugs and kisses is so beautiful. I know one day it will happen for me. I am praying for this to be in 8 months.

I bought What to Expect When Expecting, Eating Well When Expecting, and ordered Praying Through Your Pregnancy. The first two are packed full of good information, and the last one looks amazing for prayer time, and breaks down what specific things are happening with little bean that should be prayed for...including their future belief in God. I cannot wait to get the book sometime next week! :-)

Tomorrow I get blood tested again and should get results tomorrow also, praying for GREAT results. at 2,000 we will get to have an ultrasound to figure out when my due date is. Excited for that day, plan on bringing lots of tissues!

Merry Christmas

Just took a Pregnancy Test. Guess what? It was more positive than what it was last time. I think I am 16 dpo. Last time it didn't show positive then. I am trying to stay cautious. Have had some cramping (but actually, might be mostly from gas). Though, I have felt like I am gonna start my period soon. We shall see. Would probably have been conceived sometime around James's birthday. And we weren't trying this month. Had sex like 2 times when possibly could have ovulated, but read many women don't ovulate after miscarriage. Hopeful yet nervous. Calling OB on Monday.

One Month Has Passed

It’s officially been a month. I can now tell people that I have miscarried without tears. Yet, I still cry at times. Heart still feels broken from the loss I have experienced. I feel bad for James because I am so bitchy right now. Think it’s about time cycle started up again. Which means it would be pretty much on track. I am exhausted still, completely plan on snoozing away this weekend. My mind keeps thinking about how we were hoping to tell our families about pregnancy at Christmas or New Years. Now, we still haven’t told his parents about miscarriage because filter is missing on their part, and my heart aches too much. 

Things like hearing a good friend is pregnant is so hard. Especially when she is about where my miscarriage happened. I am trying to be happy for them, but hurting so much still that happiness seems to only come in small snippets. It is sad that I am excited for my period to start. I am ready to be able to try again. Especially with a set closing date on our house. January 31^st 2011. Still hoping for a 2011 baby. 

Another thing my heart turns to is when a prayer warrior prayed over my husband. He prayed that when we try to get pregnant that God would bless us and help us along the way. He knew. I think that’s why I knew cramping during pregnancy wasn’t normal. I am so thankful for Renee. She has been such a support for me.  It’s also amazing telling other women what happened, and hearing their stories of loss also. Makes me realize I am not alone in this. I am not alone in my hurting, and I am not the only one with a baby in heaven. All of our children are hanging out with Jesus and some awesome women I am sure. Imagine them being watched by all the women of the Bible. Especially those that struggled to get pregnant. God is great. Especially when my heart is reminded of these things and I feel calm and at peace with the present. 

I cannot wait to be a mommy, and hear those words said to me. Without it being an accident. To be able to cuddle and know the child is mind. For now I will cuddle and love on other people’s children, waiting for my turn to come. And knowing that James and I can get pregnant and will one day be blessed by God. Gotta have faith. 

Love Jess.

Communicating like Adults?

I have had so many things I have wanted to post on here. But I will start with the 16th. A month from my appointment with the ob, with all the welcome to motherhood magazines, and other fun stuff. Skip forward to November 22nd, my miscarriage at 6 weeks. And then on to Nov. 29th first day of my cna class. I think I have been so busy that class getting over the December 16th brought everything flooding back because my loss was covered up with stress and business. A week isn't nearly enough time to grieve. And with all that stress from class suddenly gone, the flood gates open and I bawled and had to try to get puffy eyes to go away when I got home. There Jay and Deana are...so I sneak past and go upstairs to nap. I woke up at 830 but didn't get to go downstairs til 9, they were already in bed. So, no time for me to let them know I would be making cookies. I began with getting things ready to make cookies and used mixer as quickly as I could. Had 4 types I wanted to make. Turning the oven on around 10, after I looked up recipes and got all things around, I began baking. An hour and a half into the process, the dogs bark at something imaginary. This wakes Jay up. He sees me in the kitchen, hot water heater running because I have HOT water in the sink to do dishes throughout the baking process, and the oven on. He says to me, "Now I know why all the f-ing gas is gone." Picks up a bill for propane and says, "You can tell James this bill is his, I wasn't joking." $400. Suddenly sprung up on a month with added medical bills still unpaid, work cut short for both of us due to holidays,  unpaid days off, and my pay check being $40. I was so upset. I hadn't been home lately to use oven, dryer, or stove.

So, I text James he leaves for work early (not helping situation). And gets the $90 he has been slowly saving to buy a gun barrel. Tells me we need to get $300 out of the bank. Good luck. All out of our house inspection fund because the emergency fund has been depleted at the moment.

Friday brings a long terrible day at work with my emotions high from everything, and breaking down to tell my boss about the miscarriage when she was on maternity leave. I call a family member on my way home to see how her interview went, and talk about my crappy day at work and how heartbroken I am feeling. When talking about how I am feeling broken because of loss of baby, she manages to tell me that I need to get over it. I don't care a baby is a baby. How would she feel if her son died? Would she be over it in four weeks? She might have memories, I have the feelings of excitement, joy, and happiness mixed with dreams and hopes for the child's future. A child who's future and present is in heaven. She gets to see her son, so it is quite easy to say "Get over it, get mad or something, move on." I was immensely hurt by her comment.

We get home, first thing I notice is dog kennel is cleared off. Right were my wood clarinet was. A wood clarinet cracks in cold temperatures. My precious clarinet that I never get to play because I always want to play at night time when Jay and Deana are sleeping. Jay had put MY clarinet in the truck box outside, without asking. I cried and cried. it doesn't look damaged now, but I won't be able to tell til it warms up. He placed a $2,000 instrument outside because it was making the house look cluttered. We have no place to put things upstairs, no closet, and it's not heated on a regular basis. My clarinet cannot go upstairs because of lack of heat. And further more cats are getting pissed because of in small space they are starting to pee on our things. I would love to get rid of them at this point, but would regret it later.

After this a fight begins because Jay can only communicate when yelling. He blames everything on us, saying we use them, we spend foolishly, James is lazy, and both of us act holier than thou. I was so upset. I asked him, if they were having problems financially and wanted us to take on a bill, why they didn't say so. It is not our choice that we are living there at the moment, but would like to help out when possible. This has been clear since the day we moved in. He then bitched about electric going up because lights being on at night. Well when James gets out at 1230 and home around 1, we are going to need lights. I'm sorry our schedules are opposite from yours. That we can't have dinner at 6 because both of us are working. Sorry that we go out on Saturdays to see friends because we can't have them over because of our schedule being different then theirs. Sorry that we evidently keep u up with our way of life. I am so frustrated and emotionally drained.

The thing that gets me, Jay says the things to James that cuts him down at such a level that no parent should ever do. And then what does he do? Call his brother and sister to say what happened. Surely saying we are users, not respectful, and lazy slobs. I don't know how long it will take to heal this relationship. I don't think I will ever let my kids come to his house alone for fear of things he may say, to be said we are "using" them, or to have him talk about my kids to Booger or Laura because guaranteed they won't be good enough for his standards.

So thankful we are house sitting this weekend, even if it is at the family member's place that told me to get over it. *sigh*

I'm so over this break already. God, please grant us our house soon. Please. I am losing my mind as my heart breaks. I need a break from family and pins and needles.

Jess

snowy day outside makes for a comfy day inside

I do well most days, and then there are moments that right in my face there seems to be the fact that I don’t have a baby. We don’t have a house. We don’t have a little family of our own. Those moments I feel so sad inside, but continue to fake a smile and go on with life. I know one day James and I will have all of those wonderful things. For now, I am focusing on class. Then finding a new job, and hopefully moving into our new home (STILL haven’t been able to get our house inspection done because the bank is being slow to fix the other things). THEN hopefully successfully have a complete pregnancy and a baby born sometime in 2011.

I am not feeling compelled to do homework, though I am almost done with this semester! That is so exciting; I am ready for a break, to make delicious cookies, rock candy, and Chex mix. Super excited for break. So I am anticipating life right now, looking forward to the good things in life.

Friday was day one of my clinical. I have a cute old lady. I think I probably could do a nursing home setting, but would rather be in a hospital so I can have the 12 hour shifts.

We’ll see where God takes me!

A Very Short Post for a VERY tired woman.

This has been the longest month I have had in a long time. I think I am drained from the miscarriage and now also so sleepy from long periods of class time and massive loads of data being poured into my brain. Soon it will be over and soon (hopefully) I will have a new job. I am excited at the prospect of having new things in January. New home, new job, and hopefully a new little baby growing inside of me soon after January. I am getting excited for clinical and praying for a good experience. As I am so tired, I am going to go to bed, and then get up in a few hours to catch up on much needed homework for other classes. Probably get up 1030 and stay up til 2 so I can spend some time with James. That will give me about 7-7.5 hours of sleep, shouldn't be more sleepy than I am today! :-( CANNOT wait to sleep in Saturday!

Things to be positive about: I am done with CNA class on the 15th, I am done with this semester's classes the 20th, I have a break til January 18th, and James sold the cows so we have extra $ for house and I don't have to feed them when I get home when it's all dark and cold. ALSO excited for when I get into RN program and graduate because I'll only have to take 24 credits at SVSU and I'd have my BSN. :-) Makes me happy to think ahead and feel confident (but still a little nervous) about the future.

Update during a busy week.

Well I am in my CNA class and it makes me wonder if my Grandma should be getting testing for Alzheimer’s. Kind of makes me sad. Making me realize how our body’s age as we get older and how physically unfit I am. I need to lose weight before I get pregnant to help keep my blood pressure under control. I need to lose weight period. I am currently at 205. Goal is to lose 6 pounds before I start my period so I can say I am less than 200 pounds. Ideally I would like to never be over 200 again. Which means at a healthy BMI I’d need to be 35 pounds under 200 when I get pregnant, but as much as I want a child of own child I think I can deal with it.

I am hopeful and moderately motivated. Once we have our own house and I have finished this CNA program I plan on adding a schedule fitness program of DVDs and possibly Zumba once a week or so. Which, by the way, I am hoping will be soon. We sign to put our “official” final offer in tomorrow (ha today technically). Then it’s on to house inspections, closing, cleaning up the messy house, and moving everything into our new home!

As for now, I need to get ready for bed and find clothes for tomorrow before I continue to study for my CNA test tomorrow. Should be pretty easy, but would like to study as much as possible just in case. I am ready to move on to a different facility. Preferably with children in the medical setting!

Jess

P.S. I also have to say, there is a girl in my class who thinks she is pregnant. It hurt my heart but made me pray for the possibility of her having a little one. I told her she needs to take care of the potential baby in her and take some prenatal vitamins. My heart cried out because I was wishing my child could have stayed with me instead of entering into heaven, but I know where he or she is...sitting comfortably with women singing and rocking them in the presence of Jesus. Warms my heart to be able to think of such things. Now if only she would take care of that little one inside of her if a baby is beginning to grow!

A Tiny Ray of Hope

Amidst all the sorrow and heartache James and I have felt lately finally there is a small (or LARGE) light at the end of the tunnel. James and I finally got news about the house we had an offer on….IT’s going to be OURS! We have to do a house inspection and go from there. But, they accepted our offer. We are super excited and looking forward to our own place. I am in my Certified Nurse Assistant class and looking forward to a new career hopefully soon. Life is changing and feeling more optimistic.

Also another thing that I am feeling good about is my hCG levels dropped back down to a 2, and I am hoping with how quickly it dropped that my cycle will come back just as quick. Ready to try again. I cannot wait to have a baby here on Earth with my husband. One that I can hold and change his/her diapers. I look forward to the sleepless nights, because it will be ones of happiness because our baby is safe and healthy. Instead of sleepless nights filled with tears, heartache, and emptiness. I have much to look forward to, and feeling so blessed.

Love,

Jess

Grieving and Praying

I am at the point where I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this or make it happen. I know one day I will be a mommy. That God isn't going to allow me to go through this unless something positive is going to come from it. I also know that if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. I found this little poem/writing that explicitly describes my feelings on miscarrying. And it definitely brought tears to my eyes, as does seeing women with babies, or any baby aisle in the store. My heart cries out to hold my child. It is like the Bible says though, I will go to him/her but he/she will not return to me. If I keep my heart right with God I will see my baby, and that's one thing that is going to make me cling to God even more!

I Will Be Better by Unknown
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.


I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as my own body has betrayed me. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

And yes I will be a wonderful mother.

***********

 P.S. I've come to the realization I need to wait a full cycle to try again. But I cannot wait to try again. Praying God will allow it to happen for myself and a friend that is trying to conceive too. Hopefully we can be pregnant at the same time. :-) Lots to pray for!

Happy Thanksgiving.

My heart is ripping out every time I see something about babies, or a friend that is just announcing their pregnancy on facebook. Trying not to be bitter. My baby is in heaven, and I’m here, hurting. While other’s are celebrating and filling their bellies, I feel so empty. It’s so hard. I cannot wait to try again. 

Things I am thankful for: My amazing husband, my friends, ability to celebrate thanksgiving with good food, a warm house, my Jack-Jack, that Christ died for me, and he is taking care of my baby :-)/:-(

Thankful, yet Still Hurting

I am so thankful for understanding friends and good music. Because, I have to say it is so hard to look around and see pregnancy and babies all around. I get on facebook and there they are, television there there, the grocery store yup saw them there too, upstairs in my nightstand drawer I have my birth to conception magazine. I was so excited to look at it when I got it, and now it brings heart ache. I go back and forth. I’ll be doing good when suddenly I’ll be filled with tears of sadness and grief. 

Living with Jay and Deana, father-in-law and step-mom, makes things harder. When I told Jay I had PCOS he said that it was probably God’s way of making sure no babies would be in his house. Is this God’s way too? Just so I won't feel the joys of being pregnant, because we are living in your house? We haven’t told them because I can’t deal with any negative sayings. So as far as they know right now I am going through a really bad menstrual cycle. How sad is that? To have to lie and cover up a death of a little one, just so I won’t have to hear with his insensitive comments. Then he has the nerve to say we should stay a little longer, we don't want to. It has been a blessing and a curse living here. I want a life with my husband, where we don't have to be so close to family ties and hear praise or complaints about other family members.

I keep thinking about a website that had things women has submitted about struggling to conceive, and how one said they never thought how insensitive it really could be to ask a couple when they were going to have kids. You never know, they could be trying and not having success. If people ask me, I’m liable to tell them the truth. And say, instead of asking me like this, and breaking my heart one more time, like every month when I get another negative staring up at me, why don’t you pray for me. I’d rather pray for a couple that looks like they’d be good with kids then ask, just because I now know what their pain could be. I’d rather have them blessed with a baby if they aren’t trying then plagued with infertility when trying.

I think about when we will tell our families about what we are going through. When we have our own house. I wonder if it will be a happy holiday to me, knowing I would be about ready to tell them all that we were with child. Or if will come out like, Happy freaking holidays, I miscarried 3 days before thanksgiving. I also keep thinking about mother’s day next year. I keep thinking about how hard it was this past mother’s day without going through this. Without having a little one, and now I have a little one…he/she is just in heaven with Jesus.  Yet, I know to many people I would not be seen as a mommy. Even though I have that in my heart, even though I take care of other children’s kids, even though I had to go through a miscarriage when they don’t know the pain of even trying. I’m going to try and make sure not to be bitter, but it is hard. Even without enduring this. My heart was sick, seeing other women take their babies for granted when you are trying so hard each month. When their baby was a “mistake” and your baby is trying to be an on purpose, with basal body temperatures daily, ovulation test strips, pre-seed lubricant, vitamins, trying to eat healthier, and a tea that is supposed to strengthen your uterus. Just the relaxing, perfect environment for beautiful baby making. You learn when trying that it isn’t so easy to make a baby. That KY and other lubes kill little sperms, that you probably should stick to certain positions when doing the deed, that you’ll spend more money on things to help you get pregnant than going out with friends or a mini vacation with your hubby. 

I know that this is making me stronger and will help me minister to other hurting women at some point, but it doesn’t make it much easier on my heart. At least, not when the pain and hurt is immediately in front of me; when my brain gets stuck in a rut, thinking and grieving. Yet when I think about my past and all I have been through…how can I not be thankful? God has shaped me into what I think is a beautiful woman. I have to have faith that things will work out. Plus from all of this, James and I have prayed together every night for the past five nights or so in a row. I now have a supply of blood thinners for when I get the next positive. I have to believe that my Father who is heaven knows my pain, and will one day make it worth it. One day God will bless James and I with our own home, children, and the desires of our heart will be fulfilled. Until that day, our hearts have to stay with Jesus while we keep our hand and feet moving on this world.

Waiting on God to show His face.

I feel numb and full of tears that for some reason won’t flow. I know there is a reason for everything, and that God will work this out for our good, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Life seems so dull right now, my heart aches. It is real, this is really happening to me. Is this reason in present the reason that I’ve had the life of struggle? There has to be a reason, maybe it’s just to give me the experience to open my heart and give me more tenderness than I already have. 

Music is the only thing that really has been helping, makes me realize God is so faithful and He is with me, even in my brokenness and hurting. It was so hard this morning going to get my HCG drawn for what is hopefully going to be the last time for this mess I’m in. There was a cute pregnant lady, and a cute little newborn. My heart cried out to God as I held back my tears. I am sure everyone was looking at me like I was a crazy woman. Making me realize, even more not to judge those who are around you, because you never know what is going on in their life. 

Jonny Diaz’s song waiting room says, “When that miracle comes cause your answer is yes, I will praise you with all of my days. But when your wisdom declares that a no is best, I will praise you just the same.” It is what I am experiencing right now. I cannot wait to be a mommy here on earth, I know some day it will happen. Otherwise I don’t think he would put me through this heartache. There has to be a blessing coming my way. I keep thinking of Facing the Giants when the wife gets told she’s not pregnant again, and how she looks up the sky and says, “I will still love you.” I still love you God, even with my heart aching. I will wait on you, and hope to see your purpose for this at some point. You are too big of a God to let this happen for no reason. Like Josh Wilson says, “'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming” and I have to say I am waiting for that joy. He says, “…the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning” I’m waiting on the morning Lord. But as for I now I will just listen to the line that says, “the pain that you’ve been feeling, it’s just the hurt before the healing” heal me Lord. I’m waiting on You. Waiting, for You to help me out.

The hardest thing right now, is living with parents and not wanting to tell them. Not wanting an argument, not wanting to cry in front of people, not wanting their pity or sorry voices, just wanting prayers and hugs. But how do you get prayer of hugs when you are hush about it? I don’t want stares. I just want life to feel normal again, for this hurt to go away. I want to be a mom to a child here on Earth and not in Heaven. 

Jess