Weigh in Wednesday!

Last week I weighed 201.6
This week I weigh....197.8

Oh MY WORD!! In a week I thought for SURE i would lose MAYBE a pound I lost almost 4. I have hit what people using MFP call ONEderland.

I am in the 100s!! 10 pounds I have lost thus far. 10 more to first mini goal. I just wanted to lose that by my best friend's wedding in June. But my goal might change! Whoop!

This week for exercise I am going to try 5 days of exercise. I managed 4 last week (I think). Every other day I will do BL Cardio Max, and then other day Power Sculpt. I may add Zumba to Power sculpt day or Yoga to Cardio day as well eventually.

This is last week on level 1 for both DVDs unless I add the other videos as well then I will say an additional week probably.

I am on a high, an adrenaline high! Flow endorphins flow! Muahahahha. Why do I stop eating healthy and exercising? It makes 0 sense.

How amazing it will be to go to the doctors and have them record a nu,ber I am fairlly okay with. =) I am thinking next month or so I will have to re-evaluate my BP meds.

Ultimate goals for right now…(mini goals aside)

*Weigh 155-160
*Be able to do full hour of DVDs without being so incredibley sore.
*Do a 5K this summer (even if I have to walk some of it!)
*Get rid of some of this jiggle in my arms.
*Enjoy wearing a pair of jeans smalller than a size 14.

So there they are! Keep me to them!

Oh and the one out of my control....
*experience a healthy pregnancy (be praying for this one!)

Blog Changes & Thankful for YOU!

Do you like the new design? I did steal the background and downloaded a header and personalized it. But I LOVE it! I am hoping to be adding some more slowly but surely, as well as starting a family blog for my friends and family that I do not want to share all of this crazy personal TTC info with.

This blog will remain my favorite, because I cannot imagine life without all of you. You give me hope, remind me of times past, help me heal, and allow me to fully grieve everything infertility and loss related. You are true friends that I wish I could meet face to face and allow my shoulder for you to cry on.

A lot of the times you are more understanding and loving than those in my "real" life (you know what I mean, right?). I am SO incredibly BLESSED and THANKFUL to have you in my life.

We have a couple of friends that know our journey, they have a son together, and once worried about not being able to get pregnant. They should be able to empathize and such. But they don't. We have tried to get together with them but it never works out, and it is ALWAYS us calling them. I am ready to give up on the friendship. I cried, and cried, when I finally came to this point. Because honestly, we kind of think the reason they are avoiding us is because she may be pregnant again. And that my friends, is not a friend at all, a friend would sensitively break it to you. She would know my heart, and know that we will be happy for them, but sad for us (and jealous as all get out to be honest...).

We have another couple of friends that have been amazing to have. She personally has been through infertility and loss. She cries with me. And dreams with me. And gives me hope. When she is pregnant again, she will be one I will be able to cry with on her shoulder if need be. She will handle our friendship with care. And her husband is SO good for James. He is a strong believer in God, and helps James to verbalize and think about how the emotions of men and women are different many times when it comes to ttc and infertility.

Then their are single friends that like to ignore the elephant in the room, their are single friends that like to occasionally ask how things are going, a couple that asks how things are going once in a blue moon...but asks GOOD questions so she can know how to talk about things and be educated with her clients, and there are friends and family that listen to me more than they want to, but do so without making me feel even more small and broken.

We are blessed by them and by you! I am in the tww, about 5dpo give or take. I have had some sharp cramping off and on my lower right abdomen...which amazingly is right where my uterus is located. I now know when I feel ovulation from left, or when I feel cramping at this point on that side to just relax and know this month isn't it. But this month? I am hopeful, but know that it is ENTIRELY up to God. It doesn't matter when we have sex, or how many times, or what lube we use. If God wants us to get pregnant, it will happen.

I got to this point by it dawning on me...we got pregnant 2 months in a row in 2010. With one fallopian tube. Take that statistics! I have a BIG God that can make me ovulate 2 months in a row from the same side, and allow ONE incident of sex without a condom produce a little bean. I am leaning on God. He may lead me towards IUI, but as of right now...I am depending on my ultimate physician to guide the sperm and allow the conception to happen in a safe place of my uterus.

James and I did talk about adopting embryos. And I really feel this is something God would bless in the future, not at this point in time...but the future. And I have educated so many friends this past week about it. I really wouldn't be surprised if in the future they will adopt one this way if unable to conceive a child naturally.

Anyways, you know what I am going to say...Homework is calling! And so is sleep! May the best one win ;-)

Edit: OH MY GOODNESS. I told myself I would stop getting excited about looking at expected due dates on CTP, but guess what my due date would be approximately if we got pregnant this cycle? My BIRTHDAY. 11/16/2012 Would that not be amazing. To have a baby due 2 years after my first pregnancy and loss. On my 25th birthday. Ok, done dreaming. God knows if it will happen or not. ♥

Metformin

I hate that I am having so many headaches lately. I usually just deal with them, because I feel like I am on enough medications already. But this is getting ridiculous! I was going to try to get up to 1500 mg again. But I am thinking....not so much. I am getting headaches and not going #2 as often as normal. It is SO weird! I almost wish at times I had the problem "normal" metformin women get.

Blah! It will get better (hopefully). If not I am going to give up all together on it I think.

Coming Soon...

I have figured out how to do the whole personalized header and such. So my next day procrastinating will be spend playing around and designing one for this blog. SUPER excited!! I should have went to bed 2 hours ago. But was surfing the net.

Nighty Night. I have class tomorrow...and lots of homework to do before class (boo!)

Prayer Request and Update on Life

First off prayer request.
I don't want to share too much of what will probably be the most amazing thing to tell all of us, but Crystal at the blog I Think It Is Time had her triplets Sunday. She is doing well and the babies are in the NICU. Prayers would be appreciated. I haven't gotten an update yet today, so I am just praying all is well. So keep Crystal, her husband, and their new little bambinos in your prayers!! She was a little over 26 weeks along so it was unexpected this early! ♥ Love you Crystal! and Congrats Momma!!

Proverbs 31

This is the woman I want to be (my comments in this color!) : 

A Wife of Noble Character

 ^10 [b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? 
      She is more precious than rubies. Really? I could be that precious.
 ¹¹ Her husband can trust her, 
      and she will greatly enrich his life.
 ¹² She brings him good, not harm, 
      all the days of her life. I really want to make James' life better because I am in it. If I am not building him up, I am breaking him down. I want to build him up always.

 ¹³ She finds wool and flax
      and busily spins it.
 ¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
      bringing her food from afar. What?!? What does this mean? Wool and flax were very important back then. Flax could be used for it's seeds and fibers that would create clothing items and lamp wicks. Wool...clothing and probably blankets. Merchant's ship? What?!?! Well you have to think what a sight it would be to see it coming in a distance. The excitement they would have felt, the sigh of relief, they looked forward to the merchant ship coming to bring them food from other regions. I want my husband to look forward to seeing me just like this, to bring him excitement and anticipation, relief when he sets eyes upon me.
 ¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
      and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. 

 ¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
      with her earnings she plants a vineyard.  Oiy...before dawn?! I need to work on this one. Getting up early (even when making it be 3rd shift early) isn't easy for me. Planning is something I enjoy, but struggle to follow through.
 ¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
      a hard worker. Heck ya! This is one I am for sure working towards. Being fit and full of energy, to work hard in life. Me: Nursing College Student working on her fitness level....Energetic, strong, a hard worker.
 ¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
      her lamp burns late into the night. Making sure dealing are profitable....watching deals, researching, planning ahead. Not wasting time OR money. But willing to work later than when the sun goes down.

 ¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
      her fingers twisting fiber.
 ²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
      and opens her arms to the needy. She is busy at work, but willing to be caring. Taking the time to help out those in need. ♥
 ²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
      for everyone has warm^[c] clothes. Will work on this next year for sure, this lack of pellets isn't a good thing! I feared winter this year, I will be honest.

 ²² She makes her own bedspreads.
      She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
 ²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
      where he sits with the other civic leaders.
 ²⁴ She makes belted linen garments
      and sashes to sell to the merchants.

 ²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
      and she laughs without fear of the future. I love this. I will be clothed with strength and dignity, and I will be able to laugh without fear of the future. No worries, not stressing about what is to come. To have the attitude, "Bring it on. I have a BIG God. If he is for me, what can you bring against me?!"
 ²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
      and she gives instructions with kindness. K.I.N.D even in instruction, not being short. But showing knowledge in her wording. Lord bless me with wisdom, and tame my tongue when I want to lash out.
 ²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
      and suffers nothing from laziness. Lord, I ask you to help me keep up on my household chores, and help me to keep track of M. Please take away my laziness that I get at times and allow me to truly be a blessed woman of God that is treasured by her husband.

 ²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
      Her husband praises her:  My children will stand and bless me. I can feel it in my heart God, you know the children that will be mine. You know them by name, already know when they will be born. You know the number of hairs on their head. How blessed am I that you already know these things! But to hear them say they are blessed to have me as their mom will fill my heart with such joy and love.
 ²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
      but you surpass them all!”

 ³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
      but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.
 ³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
      Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. I want to be the woman that James would chose over and over and over again. To stick out forever and ever above the rest to him. And continue my journey with the Lord as our lives together continue so we may receive God's blessings. Together, as husband and wife. I want to be a Woman of God. A wise and noble wife.

Oh and I forgot...

I have EWCM again...super weird. Maybe I tried Oing CD11ish and didnt. And now CD 17 I am gearing up to O again. Cramping this time is on right side. (so maybe there is a chance for this month?!?)

Being as close of a friend to Dr.Google as I am...I consulted. And found that a small percent of women do ovulate two seperate times in a month. When they do it is about a week apart. Weird huh! Some women have twins this way that measure differently. That would certainly be concerning if you didnt know you might have ovulated 2x that month!

Anywho, I am exhausted and sleep is calling.

Rockin' it Out!

Ok ladies on a high, I may be unorganized. Didn't read the chapter for school but guess what?

My first quiz today....9/10!! Woot!!

I am rockin' it out thus far. This weekend I will get organized, and actually read for class. I plan on picking up a day or two at work, so we shall see how it goes.

Now that I am on my third week of watching what I eat, I have decided to add regular exercise. So today, my buns are feeling the burn! I would LOVE to do the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. BUT I have all of these Biggest Loser DVDs that I haven't utilized regularly.

My goal for this week: Exercise 4 days for 30 minutes each day.

The BL DVDs say to do the DVD 4-5x a week for 2 weeks on level 1, 2 weeks on level 2, 2 weeks on level 3.

I am doing Biggest Loser: Cardio Max and will probably utilize my Biggest Loser Yoga DVD the day after for stretching purposes. It recommends that you mix it will the Sculpting DVD every day but there is NO way at this point! lol

My next goal will be 30 minutes 6 days a week. And then I will bump up the times :-)

I am excited to Rock it out in school and with my health. Now if I could get my house and finances in order I would be GOLDEN!!

I know I posted before on weight loss...My first goal is 180. Next goal will be 170, then 160. It is crazy to type those numbers. I can do this. Keep me motivated ladies!

I not only want to do this because it is best for my overall health, but I want to have more energy. I want to have the best chance to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be a strong woman mentally and physically. I want to be the best wife I can be. I don't want my chunky thighs to rub together for once in my life! I want to have amazing arms, and a nice butt. To feel good about the way I look in a swimsuit.

Off topic, I started my metformin back up again. I hadn't taken it regularly since I had to stop it for the HSG/MRI time period. I did 5 days on 500 mg, and today started day 1 out of day 5 on 1,000mg. My thirst has gone up (which isn't a bad thing!) and oiy! I have gotten small headaches almost every day. I am ready to be gone, they went away last time after I got used to them. I am going to try to get up to the 1,500mg and see how it makes me feel. I think it is odd that the met doesn't give me the usual side effect most women complain about. But I have felt like facing a cold today, thinking that is a lovely symptom. I just felt tired and under the weather.

Weight Loss

I have weighed in 3 weeks (with the first time being starting weight of 208) in a row on Wednesday for MyFitnessPall and currently have lost 6.4 lbs. I now weigh 201.6. I lost 2lbs this week, so my goal is the same for next week.

I can do this!! I am going to be in the 190s next week. Aahhhh!! I feel so gosh darn good! Energy wise I am feeling a lot better during the day and when feeling blah and lethargic insteady of napping I do some exercise to get the blood moving.

If I can get some homework tackled and the weather stays good I think I am going to begin the C25K again.

This summer I WILL do a 5k even if I walk more than I jog it.

If you don't know this about me...I can be a little competative. So a 5K might just be what I need to get this tubby butt moving (haha).

On other note. Yesterday was first day of lab for Nursing, it was things I already knew how to do. Today we will be learning a few additional things. I have slacked and not watched the videos though. Soon I won't be able to get by like that. Time for organization and better time management.

I wish we had a treadmill or eliptical for cardio when I watch TV at home. That would be AMAZING. Maybe that will be a goal for the next year or so.

Oh and I wanted to share a praise report....This week we are getting super low on pellets for heat, and I totally forgot to write it in our budget. So I have been praying for the money to show up by next week wednesday. Our church called and asked if my husband would play for a different church as a fill in drummer for one service and he will get paid 25 dollars! WOOT! 1/8th of the way there! =) It made my insides bubble with thankfulness. I am sure God will provide the rest one way or another, be it savings at the grocery store or another side job for one or both of us.

Anyways, school and school work is calling! Love ya ladies!

Researching Grants

I decided to look up grants for help of those facing infertility.

One was extensive about financial aspect, and HAD to go towards IVF. I want to try IUI. So scratch that one.

Another one you could use it for IUI, but you had to have a "normal uterus" seriously quote right there. Talk about a cut to the heart.

One that I did find was that caught my eye was for embryo adoption. This is something I definitely would consider. I kind of smiled when it said "mult-ethnic" embryo donations. It kind of made me smile/giggle to think about giving birth to a little chocolate baby (and I mean this in a non-racist way!!). I am ghost white so to see an African Baby (or any other ethnicity!!) come out at birth would be quite a site. :-) I would not be against another ethnicity for an adopted embryo. Something to pray about because it immediately made my heart happy to think about (This is the link: NightLight.Org They also do other adoptions as well).

http://www.chancetohope.org/ --- This cite has multiple resources for those considering adoption and infertility assistance.

One I am considering applying to is http://www.parenthoodforme.org/ They take recommendation letters into affect, along with finances. This application is due by April 30, 2012. I have a decision to make.

Can I take the time here soon to go to the RE? because they require a letter with a header from the doctor stating what is causing our infertility. Can I make myself focus on school and getting things around for the application? Could we afford a child here at home if we conceived and carried to term?

M being here has changed our what already was going to be a rocky situation. Gah! I would have to step out in faith and believe that if we were to get picked, God would know we would be able to afford the precious little dream we hold in our hearts. I think I am going to go for it. I will wait and see how the next couple of weeks go and then make the call to the RE.

Updates

Britney's Brother was released home tonight. He has a back brace he has to wear for the next three months while his fractures heal. He should have been quite a bit worse off she said, especially considering the condition of driver and passenger. Thank you for your prayers!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok so this topic doesn't fit with the above...but guess who got EWCM at CD11?!?! THIS girl >>>>ME! This has NEVER happened before! The earliest I have seen it was CD 14 way back when we first started ttc. Of course I don't know if I ovulated because I am not using OPKs or temping, but now wishing I was.

Wowza. Still planning on a 32 day cycle, but poas might begin at CD30 depending how I feel. Or if AF isnt here by then. Because if I did O then AF should be here in 12ish days. Would be the shorted cycle for me to date.

Praying and trying not to get TOO hopeful.

Need to kick it in gear after this weekend my diet wasn't the greatest.
And I am thinking about trying to pick up some day shifts soon at work...3 days a pay period isn't going to cut it....especially since I am dreaming of an IUI in May on top of all of my Maid of Honor duties and such! If it doesnt happen til July I won't be heart broken. But really I am hoping the IUI savings fund turns into a baby fund. We will see..... =D

Love ya ladies!

Prayers Please!

A good friend of mine I met on MisdiagnosedMiscarriage.com just shared a prayer request on facebook this morning.

Her 16 year old brother, Sheldon, was in the bed of a truck when the driver hit a tree. His back is broken and his spine is in danger until they can get him into the OR for surgery.

Lord, we pray for Britney's brother Sheldon. We ask that you would place your healing hands on him. That you would prevent any further damage to come to his back and spine. We pray that the rest of his vital signs would remain stable, and for his pain to be controlled. You are our Jehovah ralpha, our ultimate healer, and the out come is in Your hands. We ask for you to be that internal whisper of peace to the family, and the internal guide for the doctors and medical staff giving Shelden care. That you you guide their plan of action and their hands as they go forth with surgery.

Be an undeniable presence in the hospital, because you say where more than 3 gather in your name you are there. They need you to protect them and guard them. Place angels to fight anything going against them in the heavenly realms. Protect them from doubt and panic. Let them rest in the shadows of your wings.

I also want to ask Britney's emotions to not affect her baby that she has growing inside her womb.

In Jesus' name we pray, Amen!

CountdownToPregnancy

One thing I love about CTP is the group of girls that I have found to talk to. That site, the girls from misdiagnosed miscarriage, and my blogger friends have helped me from feeling so utterly alone in this journey.

But the one bad thing about CTP is the hope that creeps in every cycle when entering the start of a new cycle. You see, it tells you when your EDD would be. And then my mind goes crazy. I look up the extended pregnancy time line that they have, see when we would be 13 weeks and be able to tell all our friends and family. Dream about when we would hear the first heart beat....when I would probably start wearing maternity clothes. Etc, etc, etc. If you are curious this...month if we got pregnant my due date would be right around my birthday. What an amazing birthday present that would be.

Then my feet hit the ground. I can dream, if my head can stay low enough in the clouds that my feet can still be moving through real life. I have gotten pregnant 4x without meds. The last time was 3 or 4 months ago with that possible chemical pregnancy. If not then then about 6 months ago. Darn it is about time, don't ya think? But..all of those ended in m/c so all I can do is continue to try losing weight, focusing on God to get me through this waiting time, and focus on every other crazy aspect of my life.

One day I will be able to start a post with, "I have some interesting news..." haha inside story with my sisters. =) But look for it, hopefully a post titled as such will be coming soon. I can promise you one thing, once I am pregnant again I am using a digi pregnancy test so I can see it and take a picture to last forever to remember my utter excitement.

I am hopeful ladies. I have been a roller coaster of emotions, but passing my nursing class (when I barely studied!) and begining to lose weight has brought me up a substantial amount. Oh, and God too!! He is the source of my peace and hope...I have finally started surrounding myself with worship music again. I will not turn it off or down because M doesn't like it...because I LOVE it and it is what keeps my spiritual heart healthy. ♥

Love ya ladies, hope you all have a fantastic Friday!

Bipolar Much?

I have been a complete roller coaster of emotions. Finally Monday I said this is enough.

I found worship music that spoke to my heart. I worshiped God fully, stretched arms out, tears falling down my face, and face on the cold cement floor. I told God "I am going to worship you with my every move." So I worshiped as I cried, doing laundry. I thanked him for the things I am currently blessed with: a warm house, a loving husband, a perfect puppy dog, and God that loves me for me.

I think what helped tremendously was my breaking moment Monday night. Where I cried and cried, and couldn't stop crying. I mourned over our loss. I wrote and I worshiped God that night. That and the gumption of getting off my bum and moving it to get some endorphines flowing!

James recommended that I watch Kim Walker's testimony. I would link but I am on my phone and it is too much of a pain. I watched it, and cried and cried. God loves me, and I am sure that I give Him as much joy as she did as He created her. And same with you. It was so amazing to hear the vision that God placed in her heart to witness how much he loves her. Youtube it, you wont be disappointed!

A song that really spoke to me was one from The Story titled "Who But You" it is Abraham and Sarah's song. Oh boy was that a song that made the tears fall. Because who but God, in all of our infertility struggles could get us to dare the dream of having children? We hope because he allows us to have hope. We are persevering through these struggles because He has allowed us hope, and my prayer for all of us is if pregnancy isn't something he has planned for us that the yearning would slowly fade and be replaced with a plan that matches more with God's.

While I hope and pray pregnancy is for me, I also have to pray that God would help my heart change to what His plan is. For now, I know adoption is in our future but I also have this hope that one day I will get to tell you about getting a dark positive, seeing our baby's heartbeat, feeling the flutters, seeing my husband's face as he feels his first kick, our birthing story, and all that goes with motherhood.

Who but You, Lord. Would let me keep the hope alive in spite of all that is against us? I am amazed by You. Angry at times, but know you are in control and that I shouldn't fear. Because, after all, if God is for me, who can be against me?!

Hope you all are having a fabulous night. ♥

MyFitnessPal

If anyone has a MFP account and wants to be friends on there, leave me your id in a comment and I will add you. Or you can email me it. Email is listed at top of blog in header =)

I am excited to be working on being healthier again!

It helps that due to being bloated while on period til now I have lost 4 lbs in a week lol

Working on counting calories and getting my water intake up for now, soon I will focus more on exercise =D

Who is with me?

Ahhhhhhh! I Can't Take One More Item of Bad News....

Ok so stressing because Final exam was today and I don't find out til Thursday how I did. I am praying and hoping I passed.

If I didn't, ooh boy is that a bad thought area. Not passing would mean strike one on nursing program. It would mean paying off student loan that paid for the courses and books (close to 3,000) over the next 3 months. And having to wait til the fall to try again. SOOOOO not liking that option.

Last night I slept like hell. I had an emotional night. Started by looking for good worship music. Because I will be honest...I miss my husband drumming and the old worship band experience. The one at our new church isn't cutting it for me.

Listening to music lead me to the fact I don't think I have fully worshipped openly to God since the loss of Sam. Which lead me to thinking about how it has been a year since the miscarriage and we did nothing to remember our baby. There really isn't any closure when you miscarry. You can't visit a grave. I could visit the toilet at my mom's house...what a wonderfully symbolic place.

The Shitter. Because I feel like shit! Depressed, anxious, and stressed to the max.

A year after seeing a baby in your tummy you'd expect to be holding a baby, or a year after a loss you'd expect to be pregnant again.

I am neither. I have faced rotten news after rotten news. And there definitely isn't a baby growing in my belly.

Just an over abundance of fat cells haha. Oh boy.

Anyways, I sleep so crappy. Waking up probably every half hour, after FINALLY falling asleep at 430. Then 630 hits, and I get woke up. M missed the bus. And with me flopping around like a fish all night I am sure James slept like shit, so I tell him when we get up maybe we will take him to school. I was so annoyed.

915 hits. And I wake up to Jack whining outside our door because he has to potty. And there M is sleeping on the couch. Really?! I have a final exam and he slept on the couch doing diddly squat. Didn't think to let the dog out? What the heck?!

I wake his butt up and go back to sleep. Then we wake up several times before using the crow bar to get us both out of bed at 11. So much for taking him to school. And so much for me studying.

So I took my exam today, and feeling stressed about it. Go grocery shopping. Spend WAY too much money on not enough food. And then get home.

Granted, the floor is vacuumed and picked up...but the dishes still were piled up in the sink. Really? You play hookie because you "missed" the bus and do jack diddly squat? Don't think so. So he does dishes. Half ass loads the dish washer, and I have to go behind him and fix it so the junk fits! =( Very grumpy at this point.

Then I see the mail and what do my eyes get to see? What used to be 150 dollar dentist bill is now 760 bill because our insurance "didn't pay" WTH?! I don't think so. I have dental insurance for a reason. So add that of places I need to call.

Dentist. Work. ObGyn for HSG that still hasn't been covered. Hospital from car accident. GAAAAAAAAAHHHH Oh and Taxes still need to be done.

I need a vacation, badly.

Nothing Like Last Minute & Other IF Ramblings

(Warning: This post gets pretty deep, and is pretty darn long. Don't say I didn't warn ya. Because I did/am!!)

Ok, So nothing like Good Ol' Jess... Procrastinator. Only this time it isn't entirely my fault. I was sick sick sick! Like sleeping for 20ish hours in a day sick. No joke. I called into work Saturday night. So now I am a little freaked about where my occurances are....eeeek.

At our work we go by occurances and tardies. You get one point towards occurances if calling in on a week day, and a point and a half when calling in on a weekend. As a part-time employee I can have 5. Same with tardies, 5 points you can have and being late up to an hour (or leaving an hour early) equals one point towards tardies.

I called in Thursday and Saturday. That right there my friends = 2.5 occurances. If you get 5 you are "let go" and usually rehired if you are a good employee. BUT you loose seniority and the time you have worked there. Meaning it wouldn't be a year in March, meaning I wouldn't be up to get FMLA if ever necessary. Here is where the stressfulness begins. It all is pending back in January if they got there together and fixed my occurances from the fender bender call in. If that call in got fixed, I should be down 2 in January from the 3.5 they told me I was at. Meaning 1.5, which would put me currently at 4. If they haven't fixed the books from January...add 2. Meaning 6. And me fighting to keep my job. Que stress...NOW!!!


Ok So Monday I have to call our Director of Nursing to make sure it was fixed. And then Call our scheduling lady to make sure my points are adjusted accordingly. Gah!!

Oh and I have just started attempting to study tonight for my massive exam Tuesday. 75 questions. I need to get at least 44 right to pass the class. Nothing like last minute crunch time. This blows. I haven't been getting worse than a 80% on the tests which means I should get about 60 out of 75 right minimum. But we shall see. Que freaking out....NOW!!!

This blows my friends. I so wish I could have been better to study my butt off for this last exam, so I wouldn't feel so behind for this one. I wanted to start studying Saturday night but I called in feeling like shiza (and work was Ca-RAAAAZY Friday night) and today was spent being family day. We went to Brother in Law (Booger) and his family. I spent the afternoon playing babies, cars, and being climbed on by two beautiful girls and their dog Skeeter (who is a great dane and thinks he is a lap dog...cutest thing ever!). Looking forward to meeting my newest niece, whose arrival will be in May.

I would like to mention a comment that stung this weekend. I know he meant nothing by it, but sensitive tired me caught it and couldn't shake it. When playing babies with the girls, one was being left behind and I said, "Oh is Uncle James going to be the baby-sitter? Or do you want me to grab this baby too?" joking around. James replied, "I am definitely not the baby-sitter!" And Booger said, "You might be some day."

Might. We have officially changed over into the might world for those that know our infertility problems. No longer will. That's like saying, "You might be a dad someday." No. He will be a dad one day. Even if the baby doesn't grow in my womb, our baby (or babies!) will have grown in our hearts. And that is all that should matter.

But sometimes, as ashamed of it as I am to admit. I really REALLY would love the both/and story. Pregnancy & Adoption through Foster Care & maybe even international adoption. Best of all worlds. I don't know if I will give up on the possibility of pregnancy. I want to experience it, and experience the joy and wonder when meeting a little being half me and half James for the first time.

And these thoughts...they don't stop to be honest. It goes on and on, like when James said he kind of wonders if a couple of our good friends are pregnant again.

It brought up a good topic between us. The differences between men and women maybe. He said to me, he didn't know if he was just be sensitive and looking for it. But it seemed like she was showing her previous early pregnancy symptoms. I told him that I just expect it, I prepare for it. Because it hurts worse when I am not expecting it. It still hurts when I hear it (or see it on facebook...) but it tends to hurt less when I am anticipating the blow. Like knowing the slap is coming to the other cheek.

He then said something along the lines of, "It isn't like I won't be happy for them, because I will!"
He will, undoubtedly. And it gave us a time to recognize the fact that if and when our next friend comes out with a pregnancy announcement...I will be happy for them, but sad for us. And jealous. Quite green, I will admit it.

Which lead me to another point, I told him it is to the point where I am trying to mentally prepare for my best friend, who isn't even married yet, to announce to me that she is pregnant. Because, I can feel it...it will happen before James and I. By the end of this year I bet. And God is letting me know our first months of IUI probably won't work. But naturally and probably quickly it will for them. And my friends, as much as I would like to say it won't change our friendship...I am afraid it will. I am scared for it.

Because it seems, for me, the longer I am on the road of infertility...it doesn't get easier. It gets harder. The road gets rougher, and I am dreary and worn out from the road behind us. The longer we are on this IF road the more tears seem to appear in relationships all around me (family, friends, with God, with my husband). Infertility isn't something I would wish on anyone.

 I can't say that last comment, Long Term Infertility (over a year, more than a loss) isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't say I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Because being honest, sometimes in my green little mind I think about women that get pregnant with ease and take it for granted, that choose abortion, that say hurtful things to us infertile women without any emotion, that do drugs when pregnant, sometimes I wish God had granted them the infertility disease and not me. And that is the honest truth.

Judge me if you wish, hateful bitter infertile woman I am I suppose (I've been called it, so it must mean it is true?) but sometimes I feel that way. If I was the one handing out infertility and fertility the world would probably be a very different place. And that is why I am not God. I am Jessica, a daughter of God, an infertile woman angry with God, and sad woman for allowing myself to be stuck in this place with all of these horrid feelings.

Exams & Sickness

Oh boy, I wish I felt better! My lymph nodes in neck are swollen, and I swear I should have OJ running through my veins instead of blood. I have been sleeping at least 10 hours a day. And popping Vitamin C day and night.

My nose doesn't know if it wants to be drippy or stuffy. It is red and raw and my upper lip is sore as well due to blowing my nose so often! I am getting headaches from coughing. This is ridiculous. I am supposed to work all darn weekend and I feel like caca.

I called in tonight because there was no way I was going in and ending up getting a resident sick. :-( Gah! I have one emergency day that I can use but using it in February is a bit early. This blows.

Oh and my exam. It was 50 questions and we had to have 39 or more to pass. I got 40/50. 41/50 after we did a collaborative in groups four. When studying I felt like crap and had only skimmed through what was supposed to be on the test. I studied for a total of three hours. Passing on three hours of studying is darn good if you ask me!!

I never thought that I would be okay with getting a C on a test. But I am. I am passing. I need 44 more points to pass the class. So I just need to get 44 questions out of the 75 correct on my final exam. 51 to get a C+, 57 to get a B-, 64 to get a B. Obviously I am shooting for the C+ or B-. B would be nice though! :-D

Exam is Tuesday. Then the following Tuesday I start my next class. Aaaah. Nervous and excited.

But for now, I am focusing on feeling better so I can rock the socks off this next exam! Wish me luck!! And say a prayer that this cruddy cold goes bye-bye!

Fighting this Cold

I have drainage in my throat and am SO SLEEPY! I have to study all day today but all I want to do is sleep. It is ridiculous.

I always get tired when on my period but this is extreme....

CD 1

Cycle Day 1 for me is usually hard. Today it wasn't bad. Though, I did have to fight the urge of calling my OB to get clomid.

13 weeks til I had planned being done with NT/NP (aka...no medicines). Thirteen. Think I can lose 20lbs in 13 weeks? I wish I could join the gym.... Stupid money!!

So...who wants my Birthday Cake ice cream in the freezer? No more on our grocery list.

Because counting calories is what I have always went back to since we did Prism....I just looked up how many I would need to eat each day to maintain how much I weigh. 2,160. Holy Toots!!!

If I cut 500 calories a day, without exercise I should loose a pound a week. That makes my goal 1,660. When doing prism I was eating about 1,300 a day...and exercising occasionally. If I can exercise off the 300 calories additionally each day....walah...20 lbs in 13 weeks. And I could do a cycle with Clomid. :-D and if we had money do the cycle with an RE and add an IUI with it (praying for this to come true!!)

So bring on the fruits and veggies. So long sugary sweets, hello nuts and sunflower seeds! Good bye regular soda, hello flavored water. Good bye hours sitting on my butt on pinterest, hello Bob Harper!

I will weigh myself in the AM and go back to Weight Loss Wednesday!

Oh the Joy

...of being a broke nursing student. (Oh and even better, I have 3.98 in my checking account! Good thing pay day is tomorrow! I need gas and...tampons. Today is CD1).

Facebook & Thoughts on Weight

One girl's heaven is another girl's hell. She feels grateful to not have to have gone through all this infertility crap.

I am grateful that I still have hope to deliver my own biological child one day.

I don't know if either is better than the other to be honest. Facing the fact that you may (or for sure won't) experience pregnancy sucks. Period.

But, I do have to say...the show I watched? She ended up having a baby. And that my friend gave me hope.

I need to lose weight my friends. I am by no means 700 lbs like the woman on TV. My weight is creeping up, just a little but enough that I know soon the pop, ice cream, and gobstoppers need to be no longer in my diet. I SO want to join the gym. But should just settle for doing my Biggest Loser DVDs. I have been staying between 200-205 and yesterday it said 210.

My BMI is 32.9. A healthy BMI would be 24.9

My goal right now is to lose 30 lbs. Yikes I had to jump that up because I wanted to weigh 180...that wouild make my BMI 28.2

With my ultimate goal being 155-160 Right on the edge of "normal" and "overweight"

Here is the thing, I just got my bridesmaid dress...what happens if I do lose weight? I can find someone to take it in, right? Or maybe I'll loose weight and get pregnant and still be okay, har har har...I know. Oh boy...but any ways, I did promise pictures of the official bridesmaid dress.

He Frustrates Me

M does.

He is pissed that he has to get a Psych Eval done. I have known this from READING his paper the Judge gave him on the first. READING what a judge gives you, what a concept.


Oiy. This kid is "legally" responsible for himself as an adult. Yet he cannot have the common sense to read what the judge gave him. Or listen to what he had to say.

So I was talking to him about this psych eval that he has to get done, and he said that didn't need it That it was BS. I informed him that he had one done before and was diagnosed with things so it was necessary. I only mentioned the ADD that he was diagnosed with, but there are others.

He tried telling me that doctor was a quack. That it was a piss poor evaluation. That people with ADD don't need meds because it is all up to choice for behaviors.

This brought on quite an upset from me. Doctors are doctors for a reason. They are educated. Yes some do diagnose wrong. BUT, if you were helped in middle school with ability to focus and be in general population class...I would say that you need them.

I told him it was like saying that a person with high blood pressure just because they don't exhibit signs shouldn't take the meds the doctor prescribed. Or that a person with depression shouldn't take meds even though there is a medical chemical imbalance.

I got pissed. I told him if a doctor prescribed him medicine he was taking it. "Only until I am 18" was his response, and I said, "Um...how about until you are done with school." And living with us, I wanted to add.

Honestly, I think he is going to be diagnosed with anxiety.

He's been diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), Antisocial Personality Disorder, and a couple others that Mom told me but I cannot remember.

I took his phone I was so mad. No joke.

Gah....I will give it back but he needs to realize his opinions are not always right, especially when I am trying to explain to him about WHY they are doing it, and why medications help people.

His attitude to those with more authority than him he doesn't do well with at all. It is ridiculous!!

Broke and Feeling Broken.

We are broke. No joke. Talking $3 in account and too many bills.

This week I have spent 75 in gas, and don't have enough for school tomorrow. Actually with the $3 I should be okay. How sad is that? Tomorrow I am going to pay for $3 at the pump.

I am going to rip my hair out with M being on probation for the next 18 months and having to drop him off and pick him up for the next 4 weekends from jail. And then counseling starts soon. Plus add another day for school.

And take away time from work because I got the weekends only job (which is nice for school...but not for finances)

All of this makes for a super stressed husband and wife and makes room for more fights between us.

I feel overwhelmed. Our house is once again messy. Laundry is piling up. I haven't studied for test on Thursday. And I have cried twice today.

I am hormonal and cranky.

I feel broken because there is nothing I can do to help us get pregnant. There is nothing I can do to stop the pain from M's past. There is nothing I can do to make it so his mom will pull her head out of her ass. He can't see her for the next 18 months because I don't trust her to not be found with drugs in her possession of have used it and test hot for pot or spice.

N still isn't locked up. But M gets weekends in jail for 5 consecutive weekends.

I could scream. I know I said I was going to work on being a more positive person again...but life is hard at the moment. And the optimism I felt then is fleeting. I want to give up. I understand in my current state of mind why people walk away from God for good. And it is depressing to admit.

I am angry. Pissed even. Frustrated beyond all means, and finding my heart to be so distraught over everything, I have no control over anything right now. It is all up to God. A God that I feel hasn't truly blessed us recently. One that didn't protect my cousins. God that I used to know and love so dearly but now feel so upset over everything.

How do I fix this? I am beyond thoughts and words. It is all a mess to me. I have a headache and want to just get away from everything.

Yup. False. Hope. And Other Infertility Ramblings.

13dpo and brown spotting. BFN. And crushed hopes. AF should be here Wednesday or before.

I truly cannot express the feelings in my heart 100% to a woman that has not experienced infertility and loss.

But here is my attempt....

Think of the one big thing you yearned to obtain/experience/earn, but when you got close to it you didn't get it. You either got so close and had it ripped out of your finger tips, or never even got to experience the excitement from the true possibility that it could be yours for the taking! Once you realize this isn't it, it isn't yours for the taking... You feel like a failure. Your life has to change, you have to accept a new path to take. Do you go for it again? If so do you keep your same method? Do you switch it up and try another venue to reach your dream? Or do you give up on it?

That's what it is like. Yearning to be a mother, an innate thing built into (most) women. Wishing to experience pregnancy. Having every sign and symptom under the sun. Only to get another visit from the nasty lady in red and the dreaded single pink line. OR you get to experience the hopefulness rise up inside of you. Early "promises" of life shown via two lines! Only to have the life snatched out of your uterus and have to experience the worst period in your life, emotionally and physically. And mentally. Because regardless of where the woman lands on infertility she still has choices to make.

TTC w/o medical help? TTC w/o an RE? TTC w/RE? IUI? Injectibles? Oral medication? IVF? Donor Embryos? Adoption? Or living a life childless?

I can cross off the last choice. That isn't for me.

I can tell you what being the last couple on one side of the family to have kids.

It means when we want to see any part of the family...our timing isn't most important (we don't have kids to plan around)

It means we don't get phone call updates or "hey how are ya doing?" calls (We don't have cute grand kids/ niece or nephews to talk to).

It means we get to hear the "enjoy being childless" comments.
Or the "So when are you guys going to start a family..." comments (which honestly are now becoming few and far between...same with the "when you guys are parents...." or "you will make good parents..." I think some have given up on it...)
Or from the ones who know we are experiencing infertility "God has a plan" or "just be patient"
Or better yet...the silence. No how are things going? No how was the latest procedure? Or what is the next step? Nothing. Silence about our infertility. Silence about one of the biggest things impacting our life at the moment.

No acknowledgement or "hey, what can we be praying for?" Or "If there is anything we can do to help out let us know (like helping with M when I have school, work, and someday another procedure/test)"

We don't get asked to babysit. Or invited to do dinner. We my friends, are the last couple to have a baby. The child challenged couple. With a teenager living under our roof and a grim outlook on any possibility of pregnancy.

I am feeling down today, can you blame me? I had all of this anxious hope bubbling up from so many different areas, and now...brown. spotting. Negative tests. And an increase in urge to eat chocolate. I need to stick to my guns though and make myself lose 20lbs before we do any other treatment or medical intervention. Even though when AF really starts I am going to have to fight the urge to make the call and ask for clomid.

Gah. Feeling hopeless and wishing for good news and good changes to come (by good changes I mean ones that will be best for us and be something we have been wishing for....)

Sleep is calling. Thank goodness I don't have to work tonight.

False Hope Once Again?

Despite my crazy brain telling me this is it! Despite my co-worker telling me she thought I was pregnant. Despite my three various pregnancy dreams (which were crazy let me tell you)...I even took progesterone in mean of this false hope. Where did it get me?

Constipation. Sore tatas. Excessive Fatigue. And spotting today. At 12dpo.

I'm not pregnant, I am saying it is over. And onto the next cycle.

Oh and my aunt is pregnant. She is 10 weeks with her second child. Granted she is a younger aunt, but it makes me think....seriously? When is it going to be our turn?

And then today I realized my problem with tithing. Shocker as I know it will be...it comes down to our infertility and loss. We were giving well beyond our 10%, we gave to the building fund, the music fund, tithed ever week, gave to a christian radio station, and sponsored a child in the Dominican Republic. And then we experienced loss.

After loss.

And then more losses.

And subconsciously (and maybe a little consciously...) I started having a bad attitude. If God couldn't protect us from all of the losses, and all of this infertility...why the heck was I continuing to give to him. If he wasn't giving me the desires of my heart, then why the heck would I give my tithe? Others that weren't giving their tithe were getting pregnant. Others that weren't trying were being blessed. And then there was us? And I started thinkin, seriously...where are you God in all of this?

I need to get out of that mentality. I am stuck in it, I won't lie. I am being brutally open and honest. I am prideful. Why give to a God that isn't showing himself to us in the area that is hurting us the most? Hence our giving was down substantially in spite of us making more this year.

I have decided that Job 10:22 describes infertility perfectly...

"It is a land as dark as midnight, a land of gloom and confusion, where even the light is as dark as midnight."

But I think Romans 12:12 gives us good advice...

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

It amazes me that throughout this infertility experience we keep the hope alive deep inside, yearning for it to come true. But are we patient always. Definitely not (for me anyways). And I know I have been horrid at praying lately.

So I promise, I will soon be back to where I was in the past. Loving God and praying to him all the time with all circumstances. I vow to getting back to tithing. And getting back to being a more positive blogger once more.

I am busy, but I cannot be too busy for God, hope, and prayer.

♥ Jess

TTC: from Uterus to insane hope.

I had the MRI teacher at the college I attend show me my uterus. So now that I know where it is, I can save a pic and show you guys soon! Aren't you excited? Hahaha.

Also I am 10dpo and holding onto crazy hope. I know it has happened before that feeling of, I am pregnant this month...I know it!...and then AF shows begrudgingly. usually I have some sort of doubt that nags at me. This time the only, maybe I'm not thought is with small cramps in my uterus. My bbs hurt. My n.ips are sore, I am exhausted, and I am incredibly klutzy.

Then a coworker that knows what ttc with infertility is like, looks at me after seeing me drop a cup of liquid all over the floor, and says, "You know what they say...."
"Well I don't know what they say, but if it is what I think it might be, I hope the saying is true."
"I think your pregnant."
"....well that would be nice."
"No really, and I am usually pretty darn good at it."
"Well...I hope so!"

So we will see. I have been thinking this is it. This is the month. We will see. But I just had this overwhelming feeling that soon I will have our take home baby.

And it makes me cry a little every time I allow the thought to circulate through my brain. Regardless if this month is it...God is Good because he has helped me to allow hope back into my darkened heart.

And what if I am pregnant? I would be due in October. And I would be one crazy happy woman, but until bfp I should try to keep dreaming to minimum and feel on the ground....

Your PUPO friend. (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)
♥

Updates

Follow Up - Not sure if I posted on my follow up appointment but here is what I learned:
~There is a possibility I have double ureters coming from Kidneys on both sides, this is why radiology recommended at CT scan. But doc said unless I have a burning desire to know and want to pay additional test fees, to just relax and store the info so in case there is an issue in the future. Such as problems with kidneys or urination, or a necessary hysterectomy.
~Anxiety meds are a possibility but we agreed exercise would probably be the best medicine in this case. We talked about her patient's side effects on the three main meds she prescribes those ttc or pregnant: Zoloft, Celexa, and Wellbutrin (sp?). Main concern she has heard with Zoloft - decreased sex drive, Celexa - inability to achieve orgasm (What?!?! That is no fun!), and Welbutrin - increase in sex drive.
~the cyst on my left ovary was/is hemorrhagic. Meaning it bleed into itself. On u/s it appeared to be in the diminishing stage. Said u/s could be done for my piece of mind. I declined. (And as you will see later, am now kicking self).
~The fibroids I have are very very tiny and not in a region where it should affect ttc and pregnancy loss. Phew! A big relief!
~ We agreed that ttc is best put on back burner until stress/anxiety die down. And that IUI wouldn't be a bad idea. She knows the doctor that would be doing my treatment so she seemed very at ease and content with all that would be in future.

Me
~ I am having pains near my left (surprise surprise) ovary. Now wondering what in the world is going on!?! It hurts way worse when I move, but varies between a preasure/ache to a sharp pain when sitting still. I am going to take tylenol and see if it gets better...but i can tel you one thing. I am wishing I would have done the u/s. Have called phone nurse and should hear from her tomorrow. If it isn't one thing it is another. Oiy.
~ The calls have began "please pay this medical bill." "Can we set up a payment plan?" I would if I could, and yes please. But no I do not have $40 to pay additional to 4 different places this month.
~ Blue Cross still hasn't paid towards my HSG. So my ob office says I owe them 255 still....what?!
~ James and I have been bickering more about finances. I am having a hard time letting go and letting him do all the finances and bill pay. I need to...I am not superwoman.
~ I have another exam tomorrow. Be praying I do much better this time!
~Did I mention my ovary is hurting, ouch! =(
~ Or maybe that I have experienced fatigue, dizziness, irritability, sore bbs this week an am currently about 8 or 9dpo I believe. (Will have to double check...), I am hoping this is it with my heart but my head says we are not ready financially!

M - had court today for sentencing. 18 months very strict probation, 5 consecutive weekends (starting this Saturday), and lots of community service hours necessary. Plus an additional fine (thankfully is less than 150). Mandatory counseling, and possible out patient treatment for alcoholism (I believe).

In the words or Porky Pig, "Well that's all folks!" I have laundry calling my name, studying needing to be done, dishing wanting to be cleaned, and a floor that needs to be vacuumed.

To those still TTC - keep up the faith. One day we will both be mommies, one way or another! Praying for the peace, strength, and wisdom to continue down whichever path God calls us to.

To those with round expanding bellies - enjoy this time, and blog everything so I can live vicariously through you! =) Praying for healthy pregnancies and babies to you.

To those with baby in arms - cherish your lovelies! You are truly blessed, post pictures and events for me too goo goo and gaga over while dreaming of one day being a mother. Praying for continued sanity on sleepless nights, healthy marriages, healthy babies, and healthy mommy.

May God bless you all and allow his face to shine upon you and give you peace.

As a fellow blogger reminded me this week, God did not give us the spirit of fear. So of whom shall I be afraid? No one. I will look to God in the good times and bad, and know he is beside me even in the muck of life! God is good. Even when I want to scream violent cuss words at him. =)