Two Phone Calls

First Call
While waiting forever it seemed for the Dr to call back, a dear friend DeAnn called. You see, about a week or so ago, I emailed three leaders at our church about Mother's Day. And how I think somehow they need to include all mothers: those with children, those who have lost children, and those that have no children but are spiritual mothers. Our Pastor had an idea of having a panel of women on mothers day to give a testimony of their story. I am one of them. I know it will be filled with tears, unless God grants me the ability to hold them back until I am done. On the panel will be a "Grandmother", "Your Average Mom", Myself, and "Spiritual Mother" I tear up just thinking about how blessed I am to be in a church that will listen to your suggestions and do their best to fulfill them. I told them how much heartache mother's day causes me, and if it causes heartache to me...then I know there has to be other women in the church that it has done the same to, or is still doing the same to. I'm excited and nervous. If I hadn't been asked, I probably was going to skip church that Sunday. Seemed like too much to face. Now, I have hope & a purpose.

I asked James what he thought of it (after saying yes...whoopsies). And his response was, "I might disappear during that time." When I pushed, telling him, "You need to stay in there to give me support James." He replied, "I'm sitting in the back." So I asked again, "What do you think about it? If you don't want me to do it, I can call her back." His reply, "I don't care, it's going to be you crying in front of everyone." And he's true. I don't want to look like a blubbering idiot. But my pain is still real. In reality, I think he says these things because he doesn't want to cry at church either. He doesn't want everyone to know what we have gone through, because he knows the hurtful comments I've received from carefully choosing to tell people. Stepping out in front of the church opens ourselves up to comments galore. And questions month after month of if we are pregnant yet. I know we are making the right decision for Christ. Yet, my heart is fills up with fear and anxiety at the thought of facing these people & questions.

Second Call

Finally, middle of breakfast (yes I know 130pm at this point...we have messed up schedules, leave us alone!) my phone rings. I'm not going to lie, my stomach dropped. With nerves galore, did I make the right choice calling now? Ekk

The nurse asked me what was up, I gave her the low down, "I'm 2 days late, but because I chart I realize technically I could have ovulated a little late. But that's not truly my concern."
Pause, nurse asks, "So are you pregnant?"
Me: "No, I've taken several tests I'm pretty sure I'm not. But my question is. I've noticed a trend in my chart. I start spotting for my period 9 or 10 dpo. I know that your LP needs to be at least 10 days long for a healthy chance at implantation. So my question is, with this being a concern of mine, is there any way we can test my progesterone to see about Luteal Phase Defect?"
Nurse: "We only supplement progesterone when you are pregnant, and since you are not pregnant, we would not be able to give your progesterone."
Me: "So what about at least testing for LPD? I have PCOS, can't that mess up my quality of eggs, which in turn causes lower progesterone for pregnancy?"
Nurse: "We don't usually test your progesterone unless you are pregnant. But I can talk to Dr. Hawkins."
Me: "Well I remember talking to her about this once and she mentioned that I may have to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist"
Nurse "I don't really have the answers for you. I can send her an email or you can set up an appointment.But I feel you will get more out of the 1 on 1 instead of with a middle man."
At this point I can see I am going to get no where unless I am face to face. "I'll make an appointment."

So tomorrow I have an appointment at 315. I'm sticking to my guns, she's not talking me out of it. I feel like they think I'm an idiot because I actually know what I'm talking about. Rather than the uninformed that they can just sweep under the rug. Look, I know my body. I'm my best advocate. And who in turn is paying for any test I want? ME so let me do it. I don't understand why they can't test for me, to at least see if I'm having an issue...and if I do then I'll go to a RE to get more answers and help.

I just feel like they don't even want to admit a LPD exists. And LPD is a common infertility problem. So tell me why an OB office wouldn't consider this and help women to avoid heartache? I don't get it. Completely baffles me.

I found and article on LPD and this is what it says, hitting the nail on the head...

How real is this diagnosis? 

Some physicians, even reproductive specialists, downplay the significance of LPD in their diagnosis and treatment decisions. It is generally thought that all women, fertile and subfertile, experience at least occasional cycles in which a short luteal phase is present. Also, many believe that when LPD is present in a cycle, it is the result of an egg that was compromised from the start (and hence, would have resulted in miscarriage or fetal anomaly if pregnancy occurred.)

With that in mind, if a woman believes that LPD is an issue in her fertility, she may need to be prepared to be a good self-advocate with her medical practitioners.

Ready for my opinion? If there is a potential problem either from miscarriage or inability to get pregnant. Do the stupid Progesterone Serum test 7dpo, check out the woman's follicle size via ultrasound, and Estradiol at midcycle. How hard is that? Seriously! Especially if a woman is being an advocate for her own health. 


P.S. I'm not going to lie, I have progesterone left over from my last miscarriage. I am tempted to take 1 or 2 a day following next ovulation just to see if I can get a sticky baby. My only concern that would hold me back from actually doing this would be the fact that then my progesterone levels would be higher if they tested, and even if I did need to stay on it, results could say I don't. *Rolls eyes* So I won't do it. But I am tempted, highly tempted.

Ok, now I need to get motivated. Gotta run a few errands and then nap before work tonight!

Waiting on a Phone Call.

So I had decided I was going to wait til tomorrow to call OB to ask about LPD, because then maybe they'd test my hcg too just to give me peace of mind. (I mean honestly, I am 99.9% sure I'm not pregnant and AF is right around the corner although it seems this corner could be another week *rolls eyes* BUT there is still that.01% that says what if?)

My discussion with receptionist...

Me "I'm 2 days late. Which I realize I could have ovulated 2 days late because I temp, and chart was kind of ify. But that's not really my concern for calling. I've noticed on my charting that I have been starting spotting 9 or 10 days past ovulation. About 4 or 5 days before I start my period. With my current cycle I've been spotting for 6 days now, and still nothing. So my question for Dr. Hawkins is, do you think I could possible get my progesterone tested to see if I have a Luteal Phase Defect?"

Receptionist "I really doubt Dr. Hawkins will agree to that, but can I get you #? Because I'm sure they are going to have questions."

Here enter my phone #, DOB, first and last name. And end with the receptionist.

Receptionist, "In case they do call it into the lab...if you haven't heard from us around 130 call the lab to see if you have an order there. But I fully suspect they will be calling you in 30-45 minutes."

Bring on the waiting...20 minutes have passed and another 10-25 to go. I want to vacuum but don't want to miss hearing the phone. I want to make breakfast, but don't want to be in the middle of it when the call. I will update as soon as I hear back from them.

What made me decide to call today? No spotting. NONE even checking cervix, it's closed, not open. And instead of being low like it was yesterday, it's so high I almost couldn't touch it. And it's super soft...not firm like it should be when AF is on it's way. What does this all mean? If you don't know...your cervix changes position during different phases of your cycle. When you are fertile it is SHOW, Soft High Open and Wet. When AF is about to show you should be FLCD Firm, Low, Closed, and Dry. For most women, some point in pregnancy cervix becomes SHCW Soft High Closed and Wet. Which matches up with me at the moment. So what the heck? Still crampy, still not spotting today, still a BFN.

I think I'm going to exercise later today to try to get AF to make her lovely entrance. We've tried sex (I swear it works sometimes...) but nothing. Had a little bit more spotting, but after a day it went back to brown and stopped. I did look at when I had chemical pregnancy though and I didn't get a faint positive until I was 2 days late for my period.

Still waiting for the phone to ring...blah! If knowledge is power than how come Drs (or Nurses, or Receptionists) act like you are retarded for asking questions or knowing your own body?

***Update*** 48 minutes and still no stinking phone call! So impatient!

Doh'

Ok so it hits me...after staring at my lovely charts and thinking about how much I hated those lovely pink candy looking prometrium pills. I've been spotting 6 days now. What can spotting before a period possibly mean? Hit my head moment and frantically google. I was right. Often it can mean low progesterone. Hello more problems. SO now, I have to call my dr and tell her that I've been spotting 6 days before start of period and ask if she thinks I could have a progesterone problem. Which seems highly possible due to the fact that both pregnancies had low progesterone issues. 9.7 when pregnant for first. Normal levels for nonpregnant women at 7dpo can go down to 8.8 at the lowest. I know I was 16 or 17 dpo with first test, but I was only .8 above the standard for a woman that WASN'T pregnant! Hello...issue here? *rolls eyes*

To be honest, I think she said that they don't give women prometrium unless pregnant. But what if I cannot sustain a pregnancy because of low progesterone? I might have to go to a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Oh my goodness. Delirium and google does a woman good sometimes. Hopefully get to the bottom of this soon. I'm ready to have a baby!

Update: by progesterone problem, what I am saying is a Luteal Phase Defect. Caused by 1 of 3 things: poor follicle quality (poor egg production), premature failure of corpus luteum (helps to sustain a pregnancy by giving off gobs of progesterone), and lastly the Uterine lining sometimes doesn't respond. Due to the fact that I have PCOS the chance of the first 2 are quite high for me. This is due to my out of wack FSH hormones. Will update you on what Dr says...

Houston We Have a Problem

Day six of spotting. Except, at the moment it is MIA. James looks at me this morning and says, "Jess what if it doesn't come?" I said, "Then Houston, we have a problem. Because tests are saying negative. Spotting has often times been pink/light red. And I have had spotting." So now, what do I do? Take another test of course. Only to see another BFN staring back at me. If it doesn't come by Monday morning I will be calling my OB to see what they think....*ugh*

Tired of the waiting game. If I'm not pregnant, I'm ready to move on to next freaking cycle.

Agreed? I hope so.
♥ Jess

Ok, so I'm awake...

And thinking about my vent from the other day. I know there are things you do not say to people trying to conceive. But that is because I am going through this period in my life. As many other women could probably agree. So what did I do? I googled: "Things Not to Say to a Couple Trying to Conceive" I think the favorite one, comments included, is from this lady. I will steal from her list, and add my own comments about each. But really, I think you should zip on over there and take a peak yourself.

1. Just relax!
If you read about trying to conceive & infertility you will learn that stress is something that comes with the process. And this stress is something that usually does not affect a women's ability to get pregnant. If it did, I think that there would be less pregnancies from women in bad relationships, rape would not equal a baby, and to be honest, saying such a thing ADDS stress to a women trying to conceive SO lets just avoid saying such things.

2. You should just adopt.
Yes, facing infertility or challenges trying to conceive does bring this topic up to the couple. The thought has crossed James and my conversation many times. And to be honest, if you really want to know, if we do not have kids by the time I am done with school that probably will be a hurdle we will jump. I've learned from this experience that for most women there are different stages of trying to have a child of your own. It varies for many how far they will go due to cost and beliefs.
1. First step is to try naturally. Then most if it hasn't happened yet figure out that they need to chart and/or use OPKs to track ovulation.
2. After a year to six months women (and men) go through testing. Standard infertility testing to figure out what is "wrong" with them. What a stigma on the person that it happens to be on. Not going to lie, this process is hard because it makes whomever the test results are not normal for feel like it's their fault. Regardless of how they act on the outside, and that they cannot change the situation. 
3. Clomid and/or more timed intercourse.  Often times this is the next step. Clomid helps a women ovulate, and some drs think it will help with egg quality. But if it's not Clomid sometimes other medication is used. Like some women have shorted luteal phases, so they get to experience progesterone pills (which believe me, aren't fun...I had to be on them when pregnant). Or some women get to take baby aspirin, or blood thinners when trying to conceive. It's not rainbows and butterflies all the extra sex either. Because when ttc you learn that KY and other lubes kill sperm. So you get to use pre-seed. Which is $20 a tube, and should be inserted up near your cervix to actually help with sperm mobility up the canal. And oh isn't it fun and spontaneous to say, "Ok from my cycle Day 8 we are going to have sex every other day, then when I get a positive OPK we are going to have sex. Skip a day, then try again the next." Seriously, while some men think, "YES BRING IT ON" (Ok and some women too...hehe) But there are some times when one may not feel like it, but you go through the motions simply because you both want a child.
3. Injections and IUI This is the step before IVF. Basically, from my understanding, your trick your body into thinking you are pregnant with an hCg shot, and artificially inseminate the woman. What a warm and fuzzy story to tell your child. You were conceived by daddy giving a sample of sperm and then the dr inserted it into me...and boom! I got pregnant. Ok, to be honest it's not always that simple. The IUI itself is somewhere around 300 if insurance will pay for it (I believe). And this doesn't include Ultrasounds to see how big your follicle (egg) is, and how many are ready. It doesn't include the hcg shot, and often the clomid that some women have to be on too.
4. IVF and all that goes with it. IVF is super expensive. Some couples take out loans for the chance to have a child. While it's their choice, I don't know if it can be mine. But there are many options inside IVF that you have to face. Like if too many eggs get transferred (think Octo-Mom and Kate Plus 8) many Drs will say you should abort some. Or you can freeze leftover eggs and/or fertilized eggs to be SOLD later if you do not use them. Oh boy. This is not something I am called to....
5. Adoption Yes, adoption is last on the list usually, because a person that wants to be a mother, wants to experience pregnancy. Get a group of mother's together, what do they talk about? Labor. Labor that some women don't get to experience. Pregnancy. Pregnancy that some women never get to experience. And babies. The most important thing to a woman that wants a child: a baby. Newborns, and staying up late because of them...etc. The road leading up to adoption is not easy, I'd have to say it's probably harder than being pregnant. Because you wish to see your body change instead of complaining about it. You experience jealousy over morning sickness for goodness sakes! But the end result is what God wants for the couple. If God leads us to adopt, that's a road we will go down. But, it's expensive too to be honest. So, we'll probably go for foster parenting. And that has it's own set of joys & heartache.


3. You want kids? You can take mine!  
Why thank you! Does this really help? Nope. Does this help me to experience pregnancy? Nope. Does this allow me to feel like a mommy? Nope. Does this make me feel more like a failure? Ding ding ding, we have a winner! Sure some days we love to watch other people's kids. But honestly, it just adds to the heartache and reminder of wanting one of our own.

4. There is probably a reason for it.  
Oh really? Then why is it that there are child molesters and abusive families that get blessed with children? I understand there is a reason for it. But being the one going through this, I don't want to hear it. Because it makes me question, "Does God really think I won't be a good mother?" Or, "What have I done to deserve this?" The answer to the first is NO, I don't really think he thinks I will not be a good mother. But my heart does feel heavy at times. Do I deserve this? This is something that does cross my mind, I had premarital sex. With 2 partners. Did I screw it up because of this? Then I think of all the women prostitutes or not so modest women that get pregnant and do not know who the daddy is. If I screwed it up, then how fair is it? Yet, it is a guilt thing some days.


5. Oh, you're still young! It'll happen.  
According to an about.com's article "if you looked at only the couples that got pregnant eventually, and eliminated the women who didn’t conceive, 42% conceived in their first month of trying, 75% by their third month, 88% by six months and 98% by 12 months." That means 2% of women do not get pregnant within a year. This study was small in my opinion...only like 300 or so women. And it excluded those that have fertility problems. And 1 in 6 women experience some sort of infertility issue, so I think it's a bias study!


6. My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!  
Well as happy as I am for your cousin, this is not a tested fact. Sometimes, it probably happens because the couple had a chance to get pregnant, but the chances were slim. To be honest, it probably was a miracle baby. One that Drs thought wouldn't really happen naturally.


7. Have you tried acupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?  
Actually, I've thought about acupuncture, I have, but it's not something God has called me to try yet. Meditation? I am trying Yoga. Standing on my head? Nope, but if you really want to know, my bottom gets propped up on pillows like 30 minutes after sex? ...Have I tried pre-seed? Yup. How about tea? Yup, I've got some red raspberry leaf. Kind of tastes a little yucky, but I drink it to try to help sometimes. Have you tried taking prenatals now? Ok sweetie, I've been on prenatals since last July. That is almost a year coming up here soon. Have you tried Instead's Soft Cup? Actually, I've thought about it simply because of all the good reviews on this website. But how messed up is it to use a thing first meant for an alternative for tampons or pads as a method of conception?


8. I wish I had that problem!  
Really? This doesn't help me. At all. Thanks for reminding me of how infertile I am. And how many kids you have been blessed with.

Ok so maybe to some it seems as a vent (maybe it is?) but I'm just trying to inform people. These are things I do NOT want to hear. 

And for those that know what I'm going through, I've found a list on twoweekwait.com about "Things Nobody Ever Told Me..." I'll steal a couple for you to see...


 That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills and condoms!!
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you. 
That I should have gone to medical school, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen. 
That I would be happy to see abundant cervical fluid and tell my DH about it.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.
That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!




Some of them really make me giggle. Others make me nod in agreement, and some just seem a little too honest, to admit that I do have those feelings deep down (and obviously so do other women...).


Ok, I now hear James rolling around in bed starting to wake up. I've been awake for over an hour now. So I think I better get off this thing, do some laundry, and (MAYBE) get lucky seeing as AF hasn't shown up. And spotting is still randomly happening. Seriously though, it's coming...BFN time after time prove it. Sorry TMI...but if you know me in real life. And can read all about my cervical position and fluid and such, I think you can admit to the fact that we have sex, and that sex is where babies come from. If admitting this makes you a little queasy, you can just stop reading! lol Seriously anytime now...You're hooked aren't you? I knew it!


Have a lovely day, in spite of rain!

♥ Jess

Coming Soon...

Ok so I've already decided May starts a 30 (ok 31) Day Blog Challenge. But I'm thinking about my weight, and how I want to lose it. So I'm thinking once a week a Weight Loss Update. Maybe with what I did for exercise during the week and how well I thought I did eating, and what the dreaded scale actually says. I would like to measure myself, so I need to buy a measuring tape from the store. Might as well take real good care of the next four weeks until I either become pregnant or get to try again. I know I need to lose weight. So maybe I will include a few pictures too. Then if I become pregnant, I can just switch over to the once a week photo of belly getting round. :-) That makes me happy to think about.

So when with this start? Well I have pictures from April 14th I could use...but I'm thinking some time by the end of this week. Because it seems silly to wait til May 1st.

Also, look for more pictures in general. I think I want to liven this blog up a little bit. Maybe I can get my brain off of TTC for a little bit, and only post about such things once a month (ok, how about once a week?).

Oh and James is home now so I g2g! YAY!

♥ Jess

30 Day blog challenge coming soon...

I found a blog challenge on another blog, here is the list:

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding (I might change this too My Wedding Day)
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

I am thinking that May 1st would be a great day to start this.  :-) Therefore I might need to add a Day 31: A story that makes you laugh

Realization: Sadness

Ok I can't help but be a little sad. I did the math and I would have been 28 weeks with my first child, and 24 give or take a week with our second loss. I want a belly that is round from baby. Have to remind myself today, God shapes us all in different ways. Some get blessed with (many) children quickly, others (like me) have to wait or experience loss (or both) before they get to hold a child in their arms.

Last night out of my stretch of 7 days in a row, and boy am I ready.

Jess

"Stop trying, It will Happen Naturally"

Seriously, when anyone tells me this I want to smack them across the face. If I tell you I'm kind of sick of trying, maybe what I'm telling you is I'm sick of the disappointment that stares me in the face, reminding me of another month being a failure. Don't tell me to stop trying so it will happen naturally. I am on allergy meds and I don't have fertile CM because stupid Zyrtec has dried it up, I have to use pre-seed when I am close to ovulation. Don't tell me to stop trying, let it happen naturally because I need to know what's going on with my body so I can get on blood thinners asap when I get a positive test. Do not forget about the medical aspect of this. Plus, it's better when trying because then you are on prenatals and your baby can get good medical attention. Good nutrition, and you have more time for planning.

I could go on and on with this vent. I'm sick of going to church and working in the nursery when most of the parents that have kids are not volunteering down there. I am sick and tired of feeling left out when trying to talk to my friends that I miss because the talk is centered around babies. I'm just sick and tired of it. And emotionally worn out. I'm tired from working this week, and you adding to my stress by telling me not to try doesn't help. I understand that our God is our Jehovah Rapha, ultimate Dr, our Jehovah Jireh, Provider of all things, and Jehovah Nissi, the one who has claimed victory for us! I do understand these things! I promise you, with all in my life, how could I not?

Maybe it's the fact that my due dates are inching closer, or that mother's day is a few weeks away. And here I am a broken mother, disconnected from her babies by death. It's easy to say give up trying when yours is there on your lap. I will try and I will get through this. Even if I feel like I wish I could give up during the wait. And in the end I will be a better Mommy. Even if through all this heartache and waiting God doesn't provide a biological child for us to hold here on Earth. I know one day I will meet the child that he has planned for us to parent.

My heart cries out, and it feels a little hurt, emotionally sick, and angered with peoples lack of understanding. And people, I am talking about Christians that tell me such things. Aren't we called by God to have compassion and mercy? Do they not realize that by saying such things they themselves are being like Peninnah to Hannah in the Bible? Saying things that are hurtful when you have already bared a child. Also do not tell me to be praying, because I have been on my knees praying for my child. And I am not one to usually get on my knees and to pray. I have thrown my body down to the feet of God and prayed with every ounce of my soul, asking God to take away this feeling of bareness that I have, to open my womb, to give us a healthy child. And beyond this, I already am praying for my child's spiritual healthy, for leadership skills, for him/her to listen to God's small voice, and to make a difference in the world. I am praying! Don't tell me to give up. I will keep praying, and trying, and one day I will have a little one of my own.

Happy Easter!

I'm exhausted from too much work and too little sleep. But in awe of our amazing God. Can you picture what it would have been like to be there when they realized he wasn't in his tomb any longer? I cried on the way home from work thinking about these things and just worshiping him for all He is!

Another aspect to this Easter though for me is the realization that my cycle is going to start soon. been spotting for 3 days. :-( Cannot depend on past pregnancy symptoms, because evidently now they are PMS symptoms. Go figure. *rolls eyes* I wasn't feeling too bad about missing out on this cycle, until I got to church and saw all the little kids. I know that it's bad for jealousy...and I am a little jealous. Jealous over the cries of my heart. Yet, when I was worshiping, I had this vision of an Easter to come with a little one of my own. My heart swelled, I'm waiting for that day God...trying to be patient in waiting, sorry I'm not so good about that lately.

Love you all, and hope you have had an amazing Easter. The tomb is empty, He is Risen!

♥ Jess

Now it is time for a nap before work again tonight...Night 6 in a row. 1 more to go.

Smack a...

Co-worker (or TWO). WORST possible night at work, ever. If it's a repeat tonight, I think I may lose it. I cried. That's all I'm saying. Sick of lazy people. Do your job, and help others out. It's not that hard. Now, I probably am having expectations. Of that of a Christian, "Do unto others, like you would want them to do unto you." So I need to forgive, because I do not think they believe in Christ. Or walk in faith. But I tell you I am in the crabbiest freaking mood ever.

Slews of swear words are pulsating through my mind, and came out of my lips when I called my mom to complain (yes complain, I know....where is my heart? Full of blackness right now....working on forgiving at the moment).

*Deep breath in* *Sigh, Deep breath out* I need to chill. This is not healthy.

It's over for me...

Pretty sure this cycle isn't it. Cramps more in middle now, and a little bit more like AF cramps. And temp dropped some. Did test again, and negative! BFN. I am ready to move on to the next cycle already...blah.

♥ Jess

Seriously?

James still isn't home. I was excited about him working 3rd shift. But You'd think 1030-730 would be long enough. NOPE 845 and still no word that he is leaving work. BOOO to that one. P.S. I'm done being a crazy person with testing. Deciding I'm not going to test til middle of next week. Because this cramping on my ovary has to be a cyst....Will not go crazy and update on what I'm feeling every day.

Though I have to say it's going to be stinking hard. And I might break this little vow. So if I do, you can reprimand me. But instead, I hope you are congratulating me because of a BFP. 7dpo, a week more to go. How slow the past 3 days have gone...here's to another 7.

♥ Jess

P.S. I bought some extra sensitive preg tests. They were newer from website when I bought. And now there are bad reviews about evap & faint lines. Glad I have my regular ones as back up. Because I certainly do not want to be tempted with buying the super expensive ones in the store (I know myself, I would crack!)

Crazier...

I can officially say 7 dpo because it is past midnight! lol That means I can think only 3 more days til I test again (again, yes I know I'm crazy. I just feel THAT pregnant). I officially know that the bbs thing is not all in my head. Because I asked James if they looked/felt bigger and his reply was "Yes, eeer No, I mean...I'm going to try not to get too excited..." So they are feeling bigger. Which I suppose I would be ok with either way, LOL. But tonight I also have experienced some nausea. Could be hormones, or maybe Hamburger Helper isn't agreeing with tummy.

I think I'm a nutcase (but praying God proves me wrong!). *sigh* It's to the point that I'm tempted to just start my lovenox now. I've been looking at my charts, and have read that the dip I experienced 2 dpo can sometimes be a change in hormones (possibly from fertilized egg?). The only time I've had a dip that close to ovulation was when I was pregnant (which turned out to be chemical). So I'm praying for pregnancy (and a healthy baby, no more chemical or blighted ovum mumbo jumbo!).

As for now, I'm sleepy. And because it's my last night off for 7 days I'm gonna go take a snooze.

Be praying!

♥ Jess

.....Going Crazy!

Ok mini update, as of 6dpo I still have a headache (hormone change? Even my sister-in-law that's a nurse said something about this one...), I got a bloody nose (happened last time I was pregnant), still crampy on left side (I think I may have a cyst on that side if I remember correctly), Bbs are sensitive/tender and I swear they feel fuller. Have to wait at least 4 days to test. Anxious!

Jess

...Ok I'm listening.

Dear God, I am overwhelmed with joy today! Thank You for allowing me to be a spiritual mother. Open my eyes to those whom You would have me birth into the Kingdom and those whom You would have me nurture into maturity. What an honor! What a privilege!

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

This was the prayer on yesterday's e-devotional. And at the top this verse "Make disciples of all nations" I heard it today on the radio today, and all I could think of was how Mike had us memorize it, "....baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit." Think God is saying something?

The e-devotion yesterday was about finally getting pregnant after years of trying, and then miscarrying her daughter. It never said if she went on to have more kids, just the fact that she grieved and was told to look at being a "spiritual mother" because through this path you also bare and grow fruit. And I agree, this is a blessing. To tell kids about Jesus and have them look up to you. It was the one thing that got me through mother's day last year. Mother's Day...oh Lordy it's getting close. I am seriously thinking about skipping church to avoid the heartache. Or submitting a letter to our Pastor. Something in me would love to speak a little on this topic. Especially after reading Hannah's Hope

My heart is full of pondering at the moment....
♥ Jess

I will NOT obsess

I will NOT obsess over the fact that I've had heart burn, my nips are super sensitive, my cervix is soft, that I have some cramping by my ovaries-ish area, that I have been a little extra emotional lately, or the fact that I've been super sleepy. I say I will not, but my brain is full of questioning! Aaaahhhhhh.

3dpo and already obsessing, what will I do for the next 11 that I have to wait?

Ok so I'm addicted...

to blogging. Do they have a blogger's anonymous? If so I might need to attend. And same for all of you silent lurkers that read :-) Except you might need a stalkers anonymous, haha! (ok so maybe I am just crazy and make myself laugh...)

Ok really, what I was thinking about. I have started taking pictures. Be it for a pregnancy, or to watch pounds drop off of me. And I even took a bare belly photo, no I won't post it on here. I should for all the ladies that complain about stretch marks due to pregnancy. Because really, try having them BEFORE having kids. All over, from sixth grade when I suddenly boobs(definitely NO pictures of those though! yikes!) to my thighs from growing super tall quickly. Then small ones that appeared on my tummy after high school, right when I thought I was a blessed fatty that wouldn't get them. False Hope there. Anyways, I've started a folder on my laptop named weight loss, that way I don't have the word "Pregnancy" staring at me if it does indeed take a bit longer to get pregnant.

I did make it through the lovely workout dvd, though I did take it easy. Hoping to make it so I can keep going strong every day with some sort of exercise at least 20 minutes long. Ready for a healthy body. Hoping to soon see a change in my blood pressure!

Have a lovely day, I promise this is my last post of the day. (I have to work tonight :-/
♥ Jess
P.S. I have a little acid reflux going on, I'm thinking it's from the Mio water flavoring. Anyone else experience this before? Hmmm...maybe I just need to eat lunch. (Ok so breakfast was at like 130, sue me! I told you I slept a lot today)

Reminiscing

You know what is crazy? Today it is exactly 5 months since I saw my first positive way back in November. That means I would be 6 months today. I know my little baby is in heaven with good company so that gives me great hope and comfort :-) Yet it makes me think, this is our 9th month of trying to conceive. I would say 10, but July was an iffy month of debating after my crazy cycles.

I need to say, I am not explicitly sad today. Just thinking about it. And with my last little guy I would have been 5 months pregnant. My belly would be round from baby and not just fat like it is now. LOL That's one thing I look forward to. The baby belly. Stretch marks from a child growing inside of me instead of from being a tubby woman (hey I'm being honest).

This month begins James and I working out, and eating (at least a little) healthier. James swears I look like I'm losing weight, but I tell him he needs his eyes looked at. hehe, really the scales say anywhere between 201-204 depending on the day. Looking forward to being below 200 at some point. The good thing, when I get pregnant I only have to gain like 15 more lbs. And I plan on sticking to that too. I started skimming through one chapter in Praying Through Your Pregnancy and it talked about being healthy. I'm working on it. Trying to get more water in during the day, eat less sweets, more veggies & fruits, and exercising. I'll get there. I want to be a healthy mommy. But for now, I am going to focus on being a healthy wife. And on that note, bring on the exercise! Here I come Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD. (I'm still feeling pretty darn good from Yoga yesterday. James thinks it's the exercise that's making me want sleep so much lately. Whatever it is, I think that 9 hours of sleep is WAY too much. Especially for a woman that used to wake up after 6 hours of sleep, pretty much on the dot.)

Hope you all have a blessed day!
♥ Jess

Endorphins & Hope....

It's amazing what the two can do for you! I started working out this week and I just feel SO good. Though, it's not all that. It's the hope & joy I feel in my heart. I'm 2 days past ovulation...and hoping about 10 days from now I have a BFP (Big Fat Positive for those of you not into the TTC *Trying To Conceive* lingo). Any real life friends I know that read this, I have faith that if I get a positive...you will seal your lips if I choose to post on here. And I mean seal them...not even telling your boyfriends, husbands, sisters, or mothers. You can tell an animal of your choice (without a person in the room, of course!) lol.

For anyone really interested my LP (Luteal Phase) is usually 16 days, so if I test 12dpo really I'll be 4 days early. But I bought some really sensitive internet cheapies that I plan on using at about 12dpo. Then 14 dpo I might use reg, followed by another on 16dpo if no lovely period by then. (dpo = days past ovulation, really what you miss out on when you aren't trying to get pregnant, or get pregnant like fertile myrtle LOL)

I found a blog called A Baby? Maybe... and I started reading somewhere in April 2008 after looking at infertility entries. And there is was the "I Will be Better" writing I found. This time posted as "Thoughts on Being a Mother" I love it, it truly speaks from my heart.

James wants the computer now, so I'll have to let you go! Toodles!
♥ Jess

Thoughts

Today I got the news that another from a thread that I post on is pregnant! Congrats to her, YAY Two ladies down, and seven to go. All of us on that thread know the heartache of losing a pregnancy, so it is wonderful to be in companionship with them, even if it is via the internet. 

Then, I read the next e-devotional. The rest of it was about when God says No. And realizing that No isn't saying that He doesn't love you, but rather that he loves you SO much and knows what is best for you.  And the scripture? Jeremiah 29:11. A verse that constantly gives me hope. God has told me no in the past, and I still chose to love him. Because he knows my future & has good plans for me.

I feel immense hope, like this month might be it! I don't know if it is being "too hopeful" or what. I know that big dreams cause big heartache or big rewards. Therefore I am prepared for either, yet I just can't hope but thinking this is it. And praying God makes me right.

After James and I got done trying to make a baby (haha TMI again...) I looked at him and said, "Isn't it amazing to think about? That your sperm are currently trying to chase after my egg... God is so amazing." Truly though, think about it? Sperm can only swim best when in the right PH and the right cervical fluid (the type that my lovely allergy meds dries up...*insert cranky face here* This is why we use pre-seed when ovulating). So by that time so many sperm have failed if those conditions aren't in place, then they have to travel into your fallopian tubes. Of the sperm left, there is a 50/50 chance to choose the right side. And from here the genetic makeup has to match up.  Like in the beginning of "Look Who's Talking Now" the sperm try to get into the egg, but it's the egg's choice to say "yes" or "no". THEN the fertilized egg has to find a spot in your uterine wall to nuzzle into for the next 9 months. And grow like crazy! Tell me how that is not amazing? And also, now that you know most of the little steps, be praying with me! :-)

Well I need to get motivated, I have class tonight, boo.
Hope all is well, Have a blessed day!
♥ Jess

God Speaking?

Today I have heard most of the songs I listened to when going through the miscarriages all on the radio, pretty much right in a row. Then there was a person talking about having fertility issues too. And when I opened by Girlfriends in God devotional (from BibleGateway.com) it was about fertility issues too. This devotional spoke to my heart. It talks about how most women crave to be a mommy, it's their #1 dream. On this topic she said:

And of all the dreams of a woman, this one can be the cause of the most pain. Not being able to have children, rebellion of the children we do have, or losing a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or untimely death can be one of the most heart wrenching experiences of a woman's life. It hits at the very core of womanhood.

And she hits it right on the nose. It makes you question your being. Your ability as a wife, as a women, and the possibility of being a mother and eventually a grandmother. To have a family. Hits the very core of a woman. Hit my very core. And all of these stories and facts that I learn along the way give me hope. Yet, the devotional used this scripture:  "The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made" (Psalm 145:13b NIV). And if makes me think, God has not promised me that I will carry a baby to term. But He has said He knows the desires of my heart. Therefore, I know I will one day be a mother. I'm just keeping faith that I will get to experience the amazing journey of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.

The devotional is a cliffhanger too, will definitely be checking my email to see what tomorrow's story will bring!

One more thing, probably TMI...so that's your little disclosure that you can stop reading if you wish. :) I got a positive on my ovulation predictor kit. And lets just say our $20 of pre-seed isn't going to waste. It's nice trying to conceive again. It will be nice when I'm pregnant again too. I cannot wait for that day! So if anyone is curious I'm on my two week wait to see what my future brings, two dark pink lines or one. This month I truly was specific in my prayers. That my egg would be mature, James's sperm filled with lots of healthy swimmers, that chromosonally the gametes would be healthy, That the sperm would get up to my cervix and into my tubes, picking the right side for the egg. Praying, praying, praying for all that is to come. And I just can't help but believe that a baby is in my future. Makes me nervous and excited, all wrapped up into one!

Have a blessed day!
♥ Jess

You Are All I Need!

Lately I've been hearing "All I Need" by Bethany Dillon and it's been ministering to my heart. I hadn't heard it in awhile, and then suddenly I've heard it three times over the past few days on the radio. I love Old school worship, for me it truly is old school. Even if it was 2004 that it came out, it was one of the first worship songs that I loved. One of the firsts I found after I found Jesus in 2006. Maybe it's that that brings such happiness in my heart. Yet, I think it something more...

I think it's seeing how blessed you are with your extended family scattered around your backyard.  I think it's hearing your husband say, "I love you" as he snuggles closer. I think it's seeing friends enjoy your hospitality. I think it's playing with your nephew & nieces on a sunny day. But most of all I think it's realizing that God has blessed me with all of these things.

My life is not perfect, by any means. I struggle. I sin. I fall. But I get up, I repent, I love! This winter I definitely experienced some S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) mixed with utter sadness (losing my babies). Yet, I can still find joy. Even more so now that I have gotten to see sunlight and warm weather. And I just feel like something good is coming. I can't help but feel giddy & hopeful.


♥ Jess

P.S. I am praying to have a little one growing in my belly before mother's day. And if not then soon after. :-) On that note, sleep is again calling. I slept right through being able to see James (Boo!)

Happy Heart!

I don't know if it's because I'm reading the Bible a little more, I haven't read today I'll be honest. But I was/am reading Luke. OR if it is because I have the weekend off, OR because Laura, Joe, & Gaugers are here to spend the weekend with us. (Might also be because I got to see my sister, Missy, and her boyfriend today too!)

My heart feels giddy and happy and so full of joy and hope! (I think I'm ovulating soon and not going to lie, super excited *yet a little nervous* I'm ready to have our own little one running around the house).

We have the big screen from Laura & Joe set up. And James is playing the wii that we purchased day after thanksgiving, and had to wait to open for when we had our own home. Then once we got here, I told him it had to wait til we unpacked...we are (almost) unpacked, so I let him. :-)

As for me? I'm off to grocery shop! This working third shift is nice for this because days off when I need to shop, I don't have to deal with crazy shoppers, just lots of people loading back up the shelves.

Hope you all have a blessed weekend,
♥ Jess

Dreams

I woke up to a dream I sincerely hope comes true. I was pregnant, and a close friend & her husband were closing on a house (and pregnant also!). I would love someone to go through the journey of pregnancy with. I know of at least one couple that plans on starting to try in June. And another at the end of summer. Last time it took me 3 months charting to get pregnant. So I am hoping it is within that timeline this time also. I don't think the friend in the dream is trying to make a baby, but they are house hunting...so maybe they will be in for a surprise! haha :-) Hopeful. Trying not to obsess over this, but it consumes my thoughts & prayers. In my heart I feel like the day will be soon, and then my head starts asking, "Are you crazy? You're not done with school!" But honestly, I think I can do it. Motivation & organization will pull me through when I need them!

Well, I work tonight so I'm gonna go hang up some laundry, pay a bill, drink my diet tangerine soda, and take a snooze. Life is good, even if it is a little crazy at times!

♥ Jess

Making Me Wonder

I just watched a documentary, Pregnant in America. It was an eye opener in some aspects, but in many it wasn't. First of all, did you know that it's recommended that c-sections do not go above 10% for a national average? And that the USA is at 30%! That is 1 out of 3 women that are getting caesarians! How crazy is that? And this data is a little data, 2006 I believe. I am floored, but a point of why this could be is obvious in two areas. First of all, women do not fully understand that your due date is more like a guess date. Your baby could be two weeks late and healthy as an ox (though maybe as big as one too, haha). Because Drs. push for c-sections. When your belly is looking like you're gonna pop, but your cervix says nope the Drs. push for either a c-section if the baby is looking large, or to be induced. And often this also ties in with the second main reason for c-sections. Drs schedules. I remember my sister in law saying that her Dr wanted to induce her because she was going to be on vacation, well at least this Dr. was honest. The one in the video simply pushed for c-section saying the baby was "too large" for her stature. Funny, the day after he scheduled her c-section (which she didn't go through with) he was on vacation.

Another thing truly got my attention the area where they talk about cytotec being given for induction of labor. I can tell you one thing...if a Dr ever comes at me with it when I am slow to come into full blown labor then they will get an earful. I may ask for the sheet documenting all the risks for pregnant women, highlight them. And pass it back saying "No way am I going to put myself or my baby at risk" To top it off, why would I want to use the same drug that help me pass my child that stopped growing at 6 weeks. I knew FDA didn't recommend for women, but the fact that a Dr. can still prescribe it as such is kind of shocking to me.

The video talks about various things, like how women are strong enough to endure natural child birth. And that we should go through it so we can feel empowered. A man even stated something along the lines of, he never saw a women in her full power until he saw her deliver naturally. I cannot wait to go down that road. Heck, I cannot wait to be pregnant. This month is our first month back in the trying to conceive business. I am excited, but now my brain is questioning so many more things!

Like how come birth is cheaper in Canada (by exponential amount if facing c-section)? Or how come Holland does mostly home births and here in the US it's like you are an alien if you tell some one you won't be going to a hospital unless it's an emergency? And where can I comfortably fit in in all of this? I have always wanted to have a baby with a midwife, maybe with a water birth! Yet, with me having to be on blood thinners when pregnant I doubt that that can even be a possibility. Let alone an at home birth that I think would be amazing. I do not want to sit in a hospital bed eating just ice chips when I am laboring. I want to have choices. I want to be able to move around, maybe give birth in a different position than flat on my back. Yet, with my hospital being Sparrow at the moment I am going to have to do some research. I was attempting to do some research when I saw they just have delivered their 250,000 baby. Amazing! But, any further research may wait, because I feel as if my brain is too much on baby, and not enough on God. I need to leave it up to him, but I have to tell ya...it is SO hard to give up that control.

I was praying last night, and I think the hardest thing to admit is that lately I have been worrying, stressing, and being anxious more than praying to God. And over lots of things, not just baby. lol I am trying to give these things over to God. They are not from Him, nor are they mine to keep! Last night was a busy night, I couldn't sleep so I spent some time with God. I read week 1 of Praying Through Your Pregnancy (if you want to check out her website click here). The first week of book is all about pre-conception and giving it up to God. And I just got over week 1 not to long ago. Soon enough it will be ovulation time and the dreaded two week wait. I'm just going to have faith that within the next three months a small one will be growing healthily in my womb. and that a year or less I will be holding a baby in my arms.

I also started writing in my journal(s) again last night. Writing letters to my child that I am sure I will one day meet, my prayer journal, and I also started reading my Bible. I want to start reading it every day, will you keep me accountable? I don't even know for sure if people truly read my blog, lol so a post from someone to keep me on track would be wonderful. To help with this, accountability partner or not, I'm going to try to post a little blip on what I am reading. Like last night, I started in Luke and I began to think about how amazing it is that John in Elizabeth's womb knew Jesus was inside of Mary. John wiggled for joy, so much that Elizabeth knew for sure. Simply by hearing Mary's voice. How amazing is that? :-) Makes me smile.

Hope you all have a blessed day! I am off to shower (yes, I realize it's 530 and I'm still in PJs. I didn't get out of them at all yesterday either, so there!) and then do some more chores around the house & go get some hangers so I can hang up the rest of James's clothes. I tell ya, for as much as he has teased me about having too many clothes in the past...I think he beats me now!

Busy Life

Well well well, where do I start? I am actually speeding up a fraction at work. I still need to sign up to take my state test. Shooting for by the end of April because I will get a pay raise :-) YAY to that! lol Then I will make more than James (per hour...but in reality I will probably not make as much as he does a week at this job). He is 100% okay with me making more than him, it'll be nice when we can see the extra money in our budget.

That probably won't be awhile though, *sigh* We bought a new car. $11,500. We paid 500 on it, and financed the rest. 208 a month for 5 years. In reality I'm going to be shooting for 3-3.5 years max. First payment on that is next month. Bills, school, life...I need to get more organized! And I finally feel like I am almost ready to. Here is our beautiful car, 2006 impala. Just rolled over 63,000 miles! Praying it does us well. Many, many more miles & adventures to go for this car.

House is almost all the way unpacked!!! WAHOOO!! A few more totes, some holiday & scrap booking ones to put in basement, and a little bit more to sort through then we are d. o. n. e. DONE! Then when weather is nice we will finish painting, because the smell of paint last time gave me a massive headache. For those curious, here is a photo of our house, even if it was taken during winter time (the man on the porch is James, kinda creepy if you didn't know! haha). Anyways, it is a perfect fit for us, well minus the fuel oil furnace. lol

This weekend my sister-in-law, her hubby, and Gaugers are coming down to visit. I am SOOOO stinking excited. I'm ready to spoil the buddy, I miss him SO much! I don't like living that far away from family, it's a bummer and it's only 2 hrs I cannot fathom living out of state. I am planning on making lots of delicious food this weekend, homemade mac n cheese, pancakes, biscuits & gravy, and maybe hamburgers? Gotta figure out some still, but I'm super excited to have family over to an unmessified and unpacked house :-)

One more thing before I go. As I was driving home this morning I was looking at the sky, and all the clouds in it. While looking for shapes in the sky, and reminiscing when I was little and used to do it all the time, I started thinking about a picture I saw a while ago of a heart poking through the clouds.  I wondered if that person photo shopped it, or if God truly blessed them with such a photo. I grew up looking at shapes in clouds with my family, so maybe for some it will be far fetched, but as soon as I looked up, there it was: a heart in the sky, made out of clouds. God provided for me this morning, and it made my heart so happy. I took a photo and 30 seconds later it was gone. It was just for me. God is so amazing. Let me know if you can spot it, okay? :-D

♥ Jess