Positive? Maybe a little...

Tell me what you think? I know people love FRER but I haven't had the best of luck with them so I went with what I had a coupon for, an E.P.T. and of course more 88 cent tests. The 88 cent test showed nothing really for tonight's test, but SMU there is definitely a line I can see in person. Calling for a beta in the morning if morning tests show a line :-) 13dpo when I wake up. Nips still sore, fell asleep during test, hungry as all get out...thinking this is a good sign.

Blog Changes & Thankful for YOU!

Do you like the new design? I did steal the background and downloaded a header and personalized it. But I LOVE it! I am hoping to be adding some more slowly but surely, as well as starting a family blog for my friends and family that I do not want to share all of this crazy personal TTC info with.

This blog will remain my favorite, because I cannot imagine life without all of you. You give me hope, remind me of times past, help me heal, and allow me to fully grieve everything infertility and loss related. You are true friends that I wish I could meet face to face and allow my shoulder for you to cry on.

A lot of the times you are more understanding and loving than those in my "real" life (you know what I mean, right?). I am SO incredibly BLESSED and THANKFUL to have you in my life.

We have a couple of friends that know our journey, they have a son together, and once worried about not being able to get pregnant. They should be able to empathize and such. But they don't. We have tried to get together with them but it never works out, and it is ALWAYS us calling them. I am ready to give up on the friendship. I cried, and cried, when I finally came to this point. Because honestly, we kind of think the reason they are avoiding us is because she may be pregnant again. And that my friends, is not a friend at all, a friend would sensitively break it to you. She would know my heart, and know that we will be happy for them, but sad for us (and jealous as all get out to be honest...).

We have another couple of friends that have been amazing to have. She personally has been through infertility and loss. She cries with me. And dreams with me. And gives me hope. When she is pregnant again, she will be one I will be able to cry with on her shoulder if need be. She will handle our friendship with care. And her husband is SO good for James. He is a strong believer in God, and helps James to verbalize and think about how the emotions of men and women are different many times when it comes to ttc and infertility.

Then their are single friends that like to ignore the elephant in the room, their are single friends that like to occasionally ask how things are going, a couple that asks how things are going once in a blue moon...but asks GOOD questions so she can know how to talk about things and be educated with her clients, and there are friends and family that listen to me more than they want to, but do so without making me feel even more small and broken.

We are blessed by them and by you! I am in the tww, about 5dpo give or take. I have had some sharp cramping off and on my lower right abdomen...which amazingly is right where my uterus is located. I now know when I feel ovulation from left, or when I feel cramping at this point on that side to just relax and know this month isn't it. But this month? I am hopeful, but know that it is ENTIRELY up to God. It doesn't matter when we have sex, or how many times, or what lube we use. If God wants us to get pregnant, it will happen.

I got to this point by it dawning on me...we got pregnant 2 months in a row in 2010. With one fallopian tube. Take that statistics! I have a BIG God that can make me ovulate 2 months in a row from the same side, and allow ONE incident of sex without a condom produce a little bean. I am leaning on God. He may lead me towards IUI, but as of right now...I am depending on my ultimate physician to guide the sperm and allow the conception to happen in a safe place of my uterus.

James and I did talk about adopting embryos. And I really feel this is something God would bless in the future, not at this point in time...but the future. And I have educated so many friends this past week about it. I really wouldn't be surprised if in the future they will adopt one this way if unable to conceive a child naturally.

Anyways, you know what I am going to say...Homework is calling! And so is sleep! May the best one win ;-)

Edit: OH MY GOODNESS. I told myself I would stop getting excited about looking at expected due dates on CTP, but guess what my due date would be approximately if we got pregnant this cycle? My BIRTHDAY. 11/16/2012 Would that not be amazing. To have a baby due 2 years after my first pregnancy and loss. On my 25th birthday. Ok, done dreaming. God knows if it will happen or not. ♥

January 2012

In January of 2012 I will be sitting, butt in seat, in a nursing class.

I will be going to a free seminar with fertility specialist The Fertility Center the good thing about this place is there main campus is in GR, which is about an hour from my house, but there is also a doctor in the same building as my OB/GYN. As long as school doesn't interfere with the date (January 19th) I will have my butt in a seat there.

In January of 2012 I will have my bridesmaid dress ordered. And I hope to have started exercising at a gym.

I have so many hopes for the new year. 2011 has brought many struggles, many hopes, and so much into our lives but I just have a feeling 2012 will be crazier and filled with more hope, struggles, and joy.

My plan for this month is to relax, to enjoy my last month not in school, and to work on my diet and exercise in spite of the holiday season. I want to enjoy Christmas and take a small time to mourn Sam's loss before I move onto craziness of the new year without using OPKs or counting how many DPO I am.

So THERE, world you can't bring me down! I am being strong in the Lord and knowing that God is in my corner and nothing can prevent whatever plan it is He has for me!

Ephesians 6:10 "Finally be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might."

Oh and I forgot to mention, so far so good. I am in the nursing program! :-D

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Honesty

Last night was a good night. James and I actually talked and cuddled. I would love to lie and say this happens all the time, but it doesn't. To be honest, we probably haven't had an in depth conversation, especially outside of a moving vehicle, in over a month or two. No wonder both of us are so snippy with each other. No wonder we both feel so blah.

I was honest with him, I told him I was getting to the point of not wanting to try any more and just work on us. That I was feeling like a nagging wife that always wants him home because I miss him so terribly much. He admitted he knew the feeling, and we talked. I do sincerely look forward to working only every other weekend, but I look forward to him working days even more. I look forward to dinners together every night of the week. I look forward to leaving for work with a hug and a kiss every night. I look forward to coming home and going right to sleep instead of breaking up my sleeping schedule. It will be WONDERFUL.

Yet, I had to ask him...what are your true feelings on this? I could see God has truly shaped him into wanting to be a Daddy. He talked about a little boy from church running up to him. James was chosen as this little boys safe haven because he didn't know where his parents were. I think it made James feel good. Like his step-brother's little one year old girl that always wants to go see him. He's like a magnet to little kids lately. And at times I feel like a loser because I haven't been able to "do the wifely duty" of producing offspring. So after he heard my little pity party and saying that I didn't want to try any more, him saying..."I really want kids Jess." melted my heart. To pieces.

I love my husband, we are not perfect by any means. But he does balance me out. When I am going crazy he is grounded. We just need more time together to be grounded together. With Christ. I asked James what we could do to make our marriage better, his response? Read the Bible, let's get a devotional to do together. So any ideas for devotionals for couples?

So the prescription for clomid that I wasn't going to call on...it is in at Meijer and I am going to go pick it up soon. And I get to start it tomorrow. Hopefully it is relatively cheap. Hopefully it gives us good results.

On another note...finances. I get it, we need to tithe. Lord, so just bless us from here on out. Can we forget about what I "owe" you for past tithe for the moment? If we are blessed financially you know I will make it up. But, we are in a very tight spot like we haven't been in a LONG time. I actually was looking around thinking about what we could sell. We need an emergency fund, but we need the vacation away also. We need to pay debt off. We need to go back to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course. So God, I am asking for overtime on days that I can stay over. I am praying for good deals for food and gas. For the ability to have our money stretch further than my math will cover. For you to take away this anxiety that I have been feeling about this pending winter and having the money to bring home a child. Bless us indeed Oh God. Expand our territories, keep us from harm, protect us from the evil one. The prayer of Jabez is on my heart. Bless us abundantly in ways we haven't dreamed. In Jesus name, Amen.

More honesty? I am believing our finances will work out. Not enough to magically go to Niagara, but enough that I booked a hotel in Mackinaw for 3 nights. A room on the lake with a jacuzzi in the room. And an indoor water park. We will have enough money currently for the hotel. But, here's to hoping for some extra to be able to go to the island and do some fun sightseeing when we are up there, lol. I'm having faith God, please don't let me fall down this time. All I am asking for is a nice vacation with my husband.

Hopeful and Excited

Friday I got my test results, the best news of 2010. My hCG levels had doubled. Which is AMAZING news. I have gotten brave, having faith that I will get to hold this child in my arms, and have started a journal for this little one. Update and writing about this journey of pregnancy and probably throughout his or her life. I plan on giving it to them when they are having a child of their own or when time seems fitting. I love this little bundle of joy so much already and I haven't even seen him or her on an ultrasound. BUT that isn't much longer til then.

This morning I got a phone call from Dr. office, told me levels were looking good and to not repeat any more blood tests because an ultrasound would be far more reliable. SO James and I get to see our little one (and hopefully see a strong heartbeat!) Friday morning at 830. I am so excited and feeling so blessed. This sleepiness, constipation, and moodiness I am feeling is nothing compared to the blessing that I will feel when I get to see my child for the first time and hold him or her. It brings tears to my eyes to thing that after all the heartache of losing our first child God swooped in and said OK, you are ready. I don't know when we conceived, honestly didn't think it was going to happen so fast.

Praying for God's blessings and healing hands on myself and baby as we continue throughout this pregnancy. I have a BIG GOD that hears my prayers, so I have faith. :-)


Thank you Jesus, for giving me eternal life that I plan on passing down to our children.

A Very Short Post for a VERY tired woman.

This has been the longest month I have had in a long time. I think I am drained from the miscarriage and now also so sleepy from long periods of class time and massive loads of data being poured into my brain. Soon it will be over and soon (hopefully) I will have a new job. I am excited at the prospect of having new things in January. New home, new job, and hopefully a new little baby growing inside of me soon after January. I am getting excited for clinical and praying for a good experience. As I am so tired, I am going to go to bed, and then get up in a few hours to catch up on much needed homework for other classes. Probably get up 1030 and stay up til 2 so I can spend some time with James. That will give me about 7-7.5 hours of sleep, shouldn't be more sleepy than I am today! :-( CANNOT wait to sleep in Saturday!

Things to be positive about: I am done with CNA class on the 15th, I am done with this semester's classes the 20th, I have a break til January 18th, and James sold the cows so we have extra $ for house and I don't have to feed them when I get home when it's all dark and cold. ALSO excited for when I get into RN program and graduate because I'll only have to take 24 credits at SVSU and I'd have my BSN. :-) Makes me happy to think ahead and feel confident (but still a little nervous) about the future.

A Tiny Ray of Hope

Amidst all the sorrow and heartache James and I have felt lately finally there is a small (or LARGE) light at the end of the tunnel. James and I finally got news about the house we had an offer on….IT’s going to be OURS! We have to do a house inspection and go from there. But, they accepted our offer. We are super excited and looking forward to our own place. I am in my Certified Nurse Assistant class and looking forward to a new career hopefully soon. Life is changing and feeling more optimistic.

Also another thing that I am feeling good about is my hCG levels dropped back down to a 2, and I am hoping with how quickly it dropped that my cycle will come back just as quick. Ready to try again. I cannot wait to have a baby here on Earth with my husband. One that I can hold and change his/her diapers. I look forward to the sleepless nights, because it will be ones of happiness because our baby is safe and healthy. Instead of sleepless nights filled with tears, heartache, and emptiness. I have much to look forward to, and feeling so blessed.

Love,

Jess