Where Paranoia and Faith Meet

I keep thinking I am going to start bleeding any time now....crampy feel wet. Run to bathroom wipe.

Nothing. Maybe some brown. But otherwise. Nothing.

Paranoia.

I am even going to buy some more tests. This is ridiculous. Why can I not relax like other pregnant women?!?!

To top it off I thought the pharmacy closed at 10. Nope 9. So now before class tomorrow I need to pick up my lovenox, and call about getting a refill on my blood pressure medicine. Because I ran out after this morning and didnt reallize til after doctor called that my refills were out as well.

Then this evening I sneezed and it hurt, bad...near my uterus. And my first thought was, "Don't dislodge baby!" Ridiculous really....

*sigh*

Then when doing a quick run in for tilapia (for our dog...) and the 88c pregnancy tests I get side tracked.

Baby clothes.

Where faith comes into play. I bought 2 onesies. One says, "Grandpa's little fishing buddy" and the other says, "Mommy cranky. Daddy's Not home. Call 1800GRANDMA" I am thinking part of how we tell them.

Faith says we will have these babies in our arms in December.
Faith says there could be twins.
But if there is one, we wont know what we are having til he/she appears in this world so still both onesies are appropriate.

Yes friends. Faith and hope are soaring. If it comes crashing down around me, will you promise to be here to pick me up?

Where faith and paranoia meet. Wanting to run home to poas and check the TP....but also buying onesies.

Oiy.

Positive? Maybe a little...

Tell me what you think? I know people love FRER but I haven't had the best of luck with them so I went with what I had a coupon for, an E.P.T. and of course more 88 cent tests. The 88 cent test showed nothing really for tonight's test, but SMU there is definitely a line I can see in person. Calling for a beta in the morning if morning tests show a line :-) 13dpo when I wake up. Nips still sore, fell asleep during test, hungry as all get out...thinking this is a good sign.

Blog Changes & Thankful for YOU!

Do you like the new design? I did steal the background and downloaded a header and personalized it. But I LOVE it! I am hoping to be adding some more slowly but surely, as well as starting a family blog for my friends and family that I do not want to share all of this crazy personal TTC info with.

This blog will remain my favorite, because I cannot imagine life without all of you. You give me hope, remind me of times past, help me heal, and allow me to fully grieve everything infertility and loss related. You are true friends that I wish I could meet face to face and allow my shoulder for you to cry on.

A lot of the times you are more understanding and loving than those in my "real" life (you know what I mean, right?). I am SO incredibly BLESSED and THANKFUL to have you in my life.

We have a couple of friends that know our journey, they have a son together, and once worried about not being able to get pregnant. They should be able to empathize and such. But they don't. We have tried to get together with them but it never works out, and it is ALWAYS us calling them. I am ready to give up on the friendship. I cried, and cried, when I finally came to this point. Because honestly, we kind of think the reason they are avoiding us is because she may be pregnant again. And that my friends, is not a friend at all, a friend would sensitively break it to you. She would know my heart, and know that we will be happy for them, but sad for us (and jealous as all get out to be honest...).

We have another couple of friends that have been amazing to have. She personally has been through infertility and loss. She cries with me. And dreams with me. And gives me hope. When she is pregnant again, she will be one I will be able to cry with on her shoulder if need be. She will handle our friendship with care. And her husband is SO good for James. He is a strong believer in God, and helps James to verbalize and think about how the emotions of men and women are different many times when it comes to ttc and infertility.

Then their are single friends that like to ignore the elephant in the room, their are single friends that like to occasionally ask how things are going, a couple that asks how things are going once in a blue moon...but asks GOOD questions so she can know how to talk about things and be educated with her clients, and there are friends and family that listen to me more than they want to, but do so without making me feel even more small and broken.

We are blessed by them and by you! I am in the tww, about 5dpo give or take. I have had some sharp cramping off and on my lower right abdomen...which amazingly is right where my uterus is located. I now know when I feel ovulation from left, or when I feel cramping at this point on that side to just relax and know this month isn't it. But this month? I am hopeful, but know that it is ENTIRELY up to God. It doesn't matter when we have sex, or how many times, or what lube we use. If God wants us to get pregnant, it will happen.

I got to this point by it dawning on me...we got pregnant 2 months in a row in 2010. With one fallopian tube. Take that statistics! I have a BIG God that can make me ovulate 2 months in a row from the same side, and allow ONE incident of sex without a condom produce a little bean. I am leaning on God. He may lead me towards IUI, but as of right now...I am depending on my ultimate physician to guide the sperm and allow the conception to happen in a safe place of my uterus.

James and I did talk about adopting embryos. And I really feel this is something God would bless in the future, not at this point in time...but the future. And I have educated so many friends this past week about it. I really wouldn't be surprised if in the future they will adopt one this way if unable to conceive a child naturally.

Anyways, you know what I am going to say...Homework is calling! And so is sleep! May the best one win ;-)

Edit: OH MY GOODNESS. I told myself I would stop getting excited about looking at expected due dates on CTP, but guess what my due date would be approximately if we got pregnant this cycle? My BIRTHDAY. 11/16/2012 Would that not be amazing. To have a baby due 2 years after my first pregnancy and loss. On my 25th birthday. Ok, done dreaming. God knows if it will happen or not. ♥

Follow Up Dr Appointment

Today was my follow up from my HSG that was done yesterday. It took about 45 minutes to actually see my doctor, but I didn't expect different. It was a Friday in the afternoon, they were bound to be behind.

Upon talking to Dr. H she said that she was hoping that I had a septate uterus that the septum was down close to the cervix, and the cath when inserted for the HSG had to pick a side to go up. That would be the ideal situation. Because a septate uterus can have surgery to be fixed, a cornuate uterus? Not so much.

Yet, we had to face potential reality and also talk about what our plan of action would be and what complications I could face.

First plan of action: find out if kidneys are functioning.

If you have a unicornuate uterus 40% of the time women have one functioning kidney or horseshoe kidneys that never separate. So to diagnose this we need to do an IVP (Intravenous Pyelogram), in order to do this I needed a Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (CMP).

So today I sat in the lab and waited after the appointment. Four hours later,  I called the lab and got the CMP results. My creatine level needed to be 1.4 or less to do the IVP, it was 0.7 so it is a go!

Further Plan of action: Do an IVP & MRI

The IVP is where a dye is injected into my vein and x-rays are taken to watch the dye flow through my kidneys, down to my ureters, into my urethra and finally into my bladder. It will watch how well my kidneys are functioning for filtering and the structure of my urinary tract. I have stopped taking my metformin to help be able to move up the test date.

The MRI is our choice over the laparoscopy simply because the laparoscopy would be invasive, and the doctor wouldn't know what exactly she would be facing. With the MRI we can know exactly where the kidneys, ovaries, and fallopian tubes are located. AND we would know 100% what is going on with my uterus, if it has a rudimentary horn, if it is a unicornuate (half) uterus, or if I have a large septum that caused the HSG cath to go only to the left  (praying for this!).

After the IVP and MRI we will have a clearer vision of where we are to head next. If indeed I do have a unicoruate uterus there isn't anything we can do about it except for hope and pray.

I did bring up the fact that we have never done a cycle day 3 estrogen check along with my FSH and LH then to check for Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) or Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR). When I first got diagnosed with PCOS they checked my FSH to LH value, with normal women it is 1. Mine was 3 or 4. Which can show PCOS (but they usually do not go by that anymore, it is more old school) OR it could show poor egg quality/less eggs. High FSH means that the follicles are being stimulated but none of them are mature enough to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

Dr. H said she wanted to wait to talk about that until we had the complete diagnosis. She did say she would be willing to do six more cycles of clomid if all checked out, and after that I would be moved onto a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Honestly, it probably will be before that. I would like to be checked for more less common issues so we can do all possible to avoid miscarriage if and when another pregnancy happens.

The doctor had to be honest and give me the facts. She herself had to look up the stats, because a unicornuate uterus isn't that common. Here are some stats:

For women miscarriages happen 13-26% of time out of ALL pregnancies. She also broke it down by age
20-30 years 9-17%
>35 years 20%
>40 years 40%
>45 years 45%

 After 1 Spontaneous Miscarriage (SAB) - 20%, 2 SAB - 28%, 3+ SAB - 43%

With a unicornuate uterus (UU) ...first of all 10% of uterine defects are a UU, or 1 in 4,020 women.
On to the scarier facts...
2.7% chance of ectopic pregnancy (2% is normal)
24.3% 1st trimester miscarriage
9.7% 2nd trimester miscarriage
20.1% chance of pre-term labor
10.5% Intra-Uterine Fetal Demise (Stillborn)
40% chance of kidney abnormalities

49.9% chance for a live birth.

I have less than a 50% chance of having a living healthy baby in my arms with each pregnancy.
Really? WTH?


So here I am facing all of this. And pondering the fact that things are not 100% horrible, but know we have a rocky road ahead of us. Yesterday I didn't know how many more pregnancy losses I could face before it would be enough to break me. But, I have to question if my heart will be more broken facing miscarriage or not experiencing holding my own baby in my arms. Should we skip trying and go right to adoption? Or should we face hardship and believe in our God to give us a baby that would be a reflection of James and I.

I have to say, I was a pretty darn cute little kid. I would love to see one of me living and breathing here on earth. Regardless, our children...whether biological or adopted will be so immensely loved it is ridiculous.

January 2012

In January of 2012 I will be sitting, butt in seat, in a nursing class.

I will be going to a free seminar with fertility specialist The Fertility Center the good thing about this place is there main campus is in GR, which is about an hour from my house, but there is also a doctor in the same building as my OB/GYN. As long as school doesn't interfere with the date (January 19th) I will have my butt in a seat there.

In January of 2012 I will have my bridesmaid dress ordered. And I hope to have started exercising at a gym.

I have so many hopes for the new year. 2011 has brought many struggles, many hopes, and so much into our lives but I just have a feeling 2012 will be crazier and filled with more hope, struggles, and joy.

My plan for this month is to relax, to enjoy my last month not in school, and to work on my diet and exercise in spite of the holiday season. I want to enjoy Christmas and take a small time to mourn Sam's loss before I move onto craziness of the new year without using OPKs or counting how many DPO I am.

So THERE, world you can't bring me down! I am being strong in the Lord and knowing that God is in my corner and nothing can prevent whatever plan it is He has for me!

Ephesians 6:10 "Finally be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might."

Oh and I forgot to mention, so far so good. I am in the nursing program! :-D

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

God's Message to Me. (This is a LONG one)

Last week I picked up The Power of a Praying Woman and started reading where I left off. The title of the chapter was "Lord, Strengthen Me to Stand Against the Enemy". It was a good read. Two of my favorite quotes from it were as follows:


"Just as God has a plan for you, so does Satan. Satan's plan is to steal from you and destroy your life. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy" (John 10:10)."


"I'm a good person, so why is he attacking me? Many people have asked this question, but the question answers itself. The enemy attacks you because you are a good person. The devil will always attack anyone who loves God and lives His way."


It really made me think about things in life lately, how I truly wonder how well I have been standing up to the temptations from Satan. If I have been believing his lies. If I had forgotten about Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."


How many times have I gotten upset with friends and family due to their insensitive comments pertaining to trying to conceive and such. The devil wants me to get upset. To break down bonds between myself and those I love. Am I saying that I will never get upset? That is impractical, what I am trying to do is take away some of the footholds that the devil may have in my life.


THEN Sunday came around, a night or two after I had read the chapter in my book. Sunday's message was based around "The Battle" He focused on seven points, but I was lost too deep in thought about how this lined up with my reading that I missed out on number seven (sorry!)


1. Everyone called by God enters into the battle. (examples: Joseph - slavery, accused of rape, David - adulterer, had to run from Saul, Moses - 40 years in the desert, the grumbling people)
2. Sometimes people see the battles that they face as evidence of a poor Christian walk (example: Job)
3. Some people see the battles in their lives as a negative reflection of God.
4. People sometimes don't/won't see the battles in their lives as having to do with spiritual warfare.
5. Although we share the same enemies, we won't always share the same battles (examples: depression, un-forgiveness, worry & doubt, addictions, infertility *ok I added that last one*)
6. Although we don't fight the same battles, we share the same God and same promises.


Every single point hit home with me. Before I found God I was under trials because Satan didn't want me to find that joy and hope. After I found God I am now under trials not because God doesn't care, but because I care about God. If I were to become less like God and not care about Him, I am sure I would have less trials in my life...but that is NOT an option. I have questioned myself if my walk was a major problem with our infertility (like when we hadn't tithed..., how I haven't been reading my Bible, not praying hard enough...etc). But it does nothing but make me feel guilty and low, instead of pushing me to do those things more. 


I haven't really thought about how our infertility could be a spiritual battle. I just questioned God, WHY have you allowed this to happen, WHY haven't you taken this away from us?


The Pastor then went on to speak on Romans 8:28-39

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one--for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one--for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? As the scriptures say, "for your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep." No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Everything will work out for good according to God's will. Be it adoption, natural pregnancy, or ART. I can allow myself to have a divide placed between me and God, or I can focus on the future in fervent prayer. I am going to start praying for my future children. I do not know how they will come to us, but I do know they will be immensely loved, cared for, and blessed.  Through prayer I am hoping my focus on infertility will lessen as I grow deeper in love with Christ. I will focus on the blessings I have, and those I can bestow upon my children when he chooses to give them to us. 


This battle will never be over. But God will forever have my heart. HE will work things out, even when I think I am trying to work them out for Him. The scripture "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18


I am thankful that God has the future planned out. That everything will work out for good. I can sit here and let worry and doubt cloud my future, or I can pray for clarity in my decisions. I can face the battle with God by my side. Clothed in God's best for me. 

The Armor of God

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on prayer for all the Lord's people. Pray also for me that whenever I speak, words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

♥ Jess 

My Debate & Update on ME.

Do I move? Or do I just stay here and continue to be honest with myself and my emotions? I can leave negativity towards the one who was reading without my knowledge out. Yet, then there is my privacy. Here is the place I spew my every emotion. Good, bad, and ugly. Yes it is for the world to see. The world of those who choose to read it because they have compassion and understanding of the infertile woman. Because they have walked her shoes, because they know someone close to them that goes through these emotions, or simply because they cannot imagine such a thing happening to them. Maybe they are beginning their ttc journey and want to be prepared for what can happen. Maybe they experienced an unfortunate loss. Either way they know the roller coaster of emotions that life can have.

Do I switch locations and stop writing for my current readers? Do I lose the companionship that I have. Knowing that blogs like The Angry Uterus, I think it is time, Life's a Dance, My Journey Through TTC...So Far, and The Pursuit of Pregnancy are written by amazing women that have walked beside me in this time of uncertainty and uneven footing? And what about those in real life that I did chose to share it with? One friend that has lost a baby. Friends that have been there for me, and that I bare my heart to every day. Ones that were there to hold me up when I miscarried. That saw the raw emotion of tears that wouldn't stop coming. That saw the pain on my face as I took cytotec and knew the pain in my heart as I took the pill that would abort my child because God decided it was time for them to come home.

Did I want family to read this blog? Only one, my sister. It is how I told her about my miscarriage. And keep her informed when she is in school and we both have wacky schedules. Because truth is, I miss her when we don't see each other or make time to speak at least once a week. Though, other than that, did I want family to read this? Absolutely not. This is the place I was going to share my excitement of any future BFP before we told family. At least I wanted that to be an option.

This is the place I talk about disgusting things like BV and cervical fluid. When we BD. When I ovulate. When I have different blood tests. A place that when I get emotions too raw to keep inside I am able to spew all emotions onto the screen. I thought this was a place where I could write to my hearts content about the messy journey through ttc, miscarriage, and infertility and one day move onto a pregnancy blog with all things personal posted without fear of being judged or viewed as overly harsh and cynical.

Should I keep negative opinions to myself. Probably. Am I human? Absolutely. Unchristian? I love God but I still fall down. Yes, I spew venom at times. But Jesus knew it would be hard to tame the tongue. Yes, I struggle with jealousy, with envy, with unforgiving grudges. I work on it. There are days that it is going to seem like I am not. There are days when I feel like I do not want to. I am a sinner. I overeat, I sometimes judge those who drink vicariously into a drunken stupor. I am lazy with the body God gave me. I go in spurts of not reading my Bible. Currently I do not have a Church that I would call my home. I am working on it. But, anyone that sins knows that it is a slippery slope.

Guess what else? I will listen. Even when I get annoyed. Especially if it isn't a place where I can tell you what is on my mind. To be honest it is because in the past I have avoided confrontation. It is a fault of mine. One that I will be working on in the future. Confronting people with love. That is what my devotion today was about. That you do not truly love the people you do not confront. Or those that you confront in anger. 

Yet my main question is, what is the point of not letting me know you are following? What is the point of following a blog if you are not going to comment at least ONCE on the person's blog? Or if you know me in real life but stumble upon it....why not tell me in a comment? I have it so anyone can post a comment for that reason. 

For now, I do have another blog set up. But I do not know if this blog or that one I created yesterday will be deleted from cyberspace.

That is it for today on that subject. 

But what about MY Update? The doctor said that the elevated glucose could be a sign of a diabetic issue. Therefore within the next week and a half I will have a repeat glucose test done. If I have conceived it will be the same as the one that is done at the 20 week mark. If I haven't conceived it will be a little different. Praying for the tests to be done in my prenatal labs.

Symptoms? Strong smelling urine (even though I have drank TONS of water..could be a side effect of pregnancy or of BV --which should be cured by now even though I am on day 5 of 7). Sore boobies (the cat put her paw on them and I wanted to rip her paw off...AND I have to wear a sports bra instead of going aue natural while sleeping or upon rising. Nips only hurt when touched). Bigger ta-tas. (For real. I thought I noticed it, then James did.) Frequent Urination (could be because I drank more water trying to get the smelly urine to go away! lol). Occasional cramping. Tiredness. HEADACHES. Pimples are clearing up.

Who knows? To be honest I took a test today at 7dpo. Stupid because I knew I would see a BFN. But with symptoms I am hopeful. I thought I saw a faint line, but I am sure it was just the evap line/collection site for the glorious second pink line. I mostly took it today because it is the one day that I will have for sure a 8 hour hold of urine in the early testing period.

I am sleepy. But I did exercise today with James, cook lunch, and get two loads of laundry done. Time to tackle dishes before showering before my nap.

Let me know what you all are thinking about this.
♥ Jess

On Hope

I wanted to share a quote from the July/August "Stepping Stones" Newsletter. It is about choosing hope.

Hope feels dangerous to me. Allowing myself to hope means I might be broken again. Being discouraged is far less risky. It's a miserable place, but it feels safer than climbing the mountains of hope. It doesn't take any faith to be discouraged. I can do it effortlessly. Having hope requires emotional effort. It requires me to believe in my God, to believe so fully that I let go of the reigns and allow God to handle the ride.

~ Jennifer Miller

She is right. And today, I choose hope over despair and defeat.

God Answers Prayers.

Yesterday I was blessed with the ability to stay over and get some overtime. It was nice to see God answer my prayer that quickly! And yesterday I also went to go pick up my Clomid prescription.

I had a coupon for Meier that gave me a $20 coupon off of next purchase. Yet, they said I couldn't use it on my prescription because of our insurance. It was ten dollars. So I asked how much it was without insurance...and guess what? By paying 2.99 more I was able to get $20 in gas for free. WONDERFUL!

Yesterday was CD 3 and day one of Clomid. So far no side effects, but then again I think I would be concerned if there was. On CD 21 I have to take a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. Praying for good number and a healthy baby this cycle.

I have hope again with vacation in our future, some answered prayers in the present, and the knowledge that Through Christ anything is possible.

So today my friends, besides being exhausted from working over I am also feeling content, optimistic, and full of hope once more. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.

Update: Holy Hot flashes Batman! Definitely have first symptom from Clomid. I was sitting, when all of a sudden I felt like I had been running. I even got a little sweaty. I never really sweat unless working out hard core. It was CRAZY!

Honesty

Last night was a good night. James and I actually talked and cuddled. I would love to lie and say this happens all the time, but it doesn't. To be honest, we probably haven't had an in depth conversation, especially outside of a moving vehicle, in over a month or two. No wonder both of us are so snippy with each other. No wonder we both feel so blah.

I was honest with him, I told him I was getting to the point of not wanting to try any more and just work on us. That I was feeling like a nagging wife that always wants him home because I miss him so terribly much. He admitted he knew the feeling, and we talked. I do sincerely look forward to working only every other weekend, but I look forward to him working days even more. I look forward to dinners together every night of the week. I look forward to leaving for work with a hug and a kiss every night. I look forward to coming home and going right to sleep instead of breaking up my sleeping schedule. It will be WONDERFUL.

Yet, I had to ask him...what are your true feelings on this? I could see God has truly shaped him into wanting to be a Daddy. He talked about a little boy from church running up to him. James was chosen as this little boys safe haven because he didn't know where his parents were. I think it made James feel good. Like his step-brother's little one year old girl that always wants to go see him. He's like a magnet to little kids lately. And at times I feel like a loser because I haven't been able to "do the wifely duty" of producing offspring. So after he heard my little pity party and saying that I didn't want to try any more, him saying..."I really want kids Jess." melted my heart. To pieces.

I love my husband, we are not perfect by any means. But he does balance me out. When I am going crazy he is grounded. We just need more time together to be grounded together. With Christ. I asked James what we could do to make our marriage better, his response? Read the Bible, let's get a devotional to do together. So any ideas for devotionals for couples?

So the prescription for clomid that I wasn't going to call on...it is in at Meijer and I am going to go pick it up soon. And I get to start it tomorrow. Hopefully it is relatively cheap. Hopefully it gives us good results.

On another note...finances. I get it, we need to tithe. Lord, so just bless us from here on out. Can we forget about what I "owe" you for past tithe for the moment? If we are blessed financially you know I will make it up. But, we are in a very tight spot like we haven't been in a LONG time. I actually was looking around thinking about what we could sell. We need an emergency fund, but we need the vacation away also. We need to pay debt off. We need to go back to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course. So God, I am asking for overtime on days that I can stay over. I am praying for good deals for food and gas. For the ability to have our money stretch further than my math will cover. For you to take away this anxiety that I have been feeling about this pending winter and having the money to bring home a child. Bless us indeed Oh God. Expand our territories, keep us from harm, protect us from the evil one. The prayer of Jabez is on my heart. Bless us abundantly in ways we haven't dreamed. In Jesus name, Amen.

More honesty? I am believing our finances will work out. Not enough to magically go to Niagara, but enough that I booked a hotel in Mackinaw for 3 nights. A room on the lake with a jacuzzi in the room. And an indoor water park. We will have enough money currently for the hotel. But, here's to hoping for some extra to be able to go to the island and do some fun sightseeing when we are up there, lol. I'm having faith God, please don't let me fall down this time. All I am asking for is a nice vacation with my husband.

Finding Faith? Finding Hope?

Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

"The God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

The above scripture is where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were tossed into the fiery furnace. I am catching up on my daily devotionals. The one from the 27th talks about this story. And how God never sets us to walk alone during fiery trials. He is always with us, and probably a friend or to. So friends, if you are reading this and know the sting of infertility. Or have the heart that understands it's sting. Thank you for walking with me, experiencing emotions most don't have to experience, and seeing the reality of how infertility impacts a person - - - and still loving me just the same.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It is hard some days God to admit that maybe this is how you want life for us to be at the moment...

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:14-15, NIV).

Me? Wonderfully made? Wonky ovaries? Chunky frame? I need to remind myself I am who you created me to be. Infertility and all.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Again...plans to prosper and not to harm me? Um...God? 3 miscarriages haven't harmed me? This seems silly. I feel like damaged goods...I know I know, see the scripture above. So I am left to try to find hope while waiting for the future.

“FEAR NOT, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

This last scripture has found it's way into my life over and over again. This time by email and then a blog I follow...think God is telling me He is here with me. Even if at times, I don't want to admit it.

Hoping for a Dream Come True.

Often I wonder what it will be like if when (trying to remain Hopeful!) my dream comes true. When I will get to see a DARK pregnancy test. When I will get to see a little baby with it's heart beating. When I will be anxiously waiting for me to turn 13 weeks so we can shout it out to everyone I know, "I am pregnant!" To see the joy on James's face when he is able to tell people with pride, "Jess is pregnant! We are expecting in xxx." To have dates marked on the calendar that will bring joy instead of sadness. To be able to write in my pregnancy journal happy thoughts and updates instead of ponderings and hopes.

To bust out that tote of maternity clothes. To see my belly grow round and beautiful. To get to feel my child move within my womb. Better yet, to see my child push my belly around like I have an alien inside of me. To be surprised at delivery. To find out if that huge box of boy clothes will be right up our ally, or something that we will hold onto for next time. To have our nursery set up. Go to baby showers. Have people fondle my belly like I have done so many other women. To see the excitement on our friends faces. To have the peace that God is in control. TO BE PREGNANT! To BRING HOME that child! Oh the dreams make my heart start to sing. They bring a half smile to my face...

Because after all, right now these are all dreams. And sometimes I feel like my dreams let me down. I get false hope. And then my heart breaks into that many more pieces.

Currently I am 6dpo and I have cramps. Just like every other cycle. Praying for spotting to at least stay away and allow me to cling to hope a bit longer. Usually spotting will start within the next 1-3 days. *sigh* So either I will get excitement in the next couple of weeks due to a BFP, or I will be cautiously excited for my first round of clomid. Which, I have decided for sure, we are only going to use for 3 months at this time.

Crazier...

I can officially say 7 dpo because it is past midnight! lol That means I can think only 3 more days til I test again (again, yes I know I'm crazy. I just feel THAT pregnant). I officially know that the bbs thing is not all in my head. Because I asked James if they looked/felt bigger and his reply was "Yes, eeer No, I mean...I'm going to try not to get too excited..." So they are feeling bigger. Which I suppose I would be ok with either way, LOL. But tonight I also have experienced some nausea. Could be hormones, or maybe Hamburger Helper isn't agreeing with tummy.

I think I'm a nutcase (but praying God proves me wrong!). *sigh* It's to the point that I'm tempted to just start my lovenox now. I've been looking at my charts, and have read that the dip I experienced 2 dpo can sometimes be a change in hormones (possibly from fertilized egg?). The only time I've had a dip that close to ovulation was when I was pregnant (which turned out to be chemical). So I'm praying for pregnancy (and a healthy baby, no more chemical or blighted ovum mumbo jumbo!).

As for now, I'm sleepy. And because it's my last night off for 7 days I'm gonna go take a snooze.

Be praying!

♥ Jess

Endorphins & Hope....

It's amazing what the two can do for you! I started working out this week and I just feel SO good. Though, it's not all that. It's the hope & joy I feel in my heart. I'm 2 days past ovulation...and hoping about 10 days from now I have a BFP (Big Fat Positive for those of you not into the TTC *Trying To Conceive* lingo). Any real life friends I know that read this, I have faith that if I get a positive...you will seal your lips if I choose to post on here. And I mean seal them...not even telling your boyfriends, husbands, sisters, or mothers. You can tell an animal of your choice (without a person in the room, of course!) lol.

For anyone really interested my LP (Luteal Phase) is usually 16 days, so if I test 12dpo really I'll be 4 days early. But I bought some really sensitive internet cheapies that I plan on using at about 12dpo. Then 14 dpo I might use reg, followed by another on 16dpo if no lovely period by then. (dpo = days past ovulation, really what you miss out on when you aren't trying to get pregnant, or get pregnant like fertile myrtle LOL)

I found a blog called A Baby? Maybe... and I started reading somewhere in April 2008 after looking at infertility entries. And there is was the "I Will be Better" writing I found. This time posted as "Thoughts on Being a Mother" I love it, it truly speaks from my heart.

James wants the computer now, so I'll have to let you go! Toodles!
♥ Jess

Thoughts

Today I got the news that another from a thread that I post on is pregnant! Congrats to her, YAY Two ladies down, and seven to go. All of us on that thread know the heartache of losing a pregnancy, so it is wonderful to be in companionship with them, even if it is via the internet. 

Then, I read the next e-devotional. The rest of it was about when God says No. And realizing that No isn't saying that He doesn't love you, but rather that he loves you SO much and knows what is best for you.  And the scripture? Jeremiah 29:11. A verse that constantly gives me hope. God has told me no in the past, and I still chose to love him. Because he knows my future & has good plans for me.

I feel immense hope, like this month might be it! I don't know if it is being "too hopeful" or what. I know that big dreams cause big heartache or big rewards. Therefore I am prepared for either, yet I just can't hope but thinking this is it. And praying God makes me right.

After James and I got done trying to make a baby (haha TMI again...) I looked at him and said, "Isn't it amazing to think about? That your sperm are currently trying to chase after my egg... God is so amazing." Truly though, think about it? Sperm can only swim best when in the right PH and the right cervical fluid (the type that my lovely allergy meds dries up...*insert cranky face here* This is why we use pre-seed when ovulating). So by that time so many sperm have failed if those conditions aren't in place, then they have to travel into your fallopian tubes. Of the sperm left, there is a 50/50 chance to choose the right side. And from here the genetic makeup has to match up.  Like in the beginning of "Look Who's Talking Now" the sperm try to get into the egg, but it's the egg's choice to say "yes" or "no". THEN the fertilized egg has to find a spot in your uterine wall to nuzzle into for the next 9 months. And grow like crazy! Tell me how that is not amazing? And also, now that you know most of the little steps, be praying with me! :-)

Well I need to get motivated, I have class tonight, boo.
Hope all is well, Have a blessed day!
♥ Jess

Busy Life

Well well well, where do I start? I am actually speeding up a fraction at work. I still need to sign up to take my state test. Shooting for by the end of April because I will get a pay raise :-) YAY to that! lol Then I will make more than James (per hour...but in reality I will probably not make as much as he does a week at this job). He is 100% okay with me making more than him, it'll be nice when we can see the extra money in our budget.

That probably won't be awhile though, *sigh* We bought a new car. $11,500. We paid 500 on it, and financed the rest. 208 a month for 5 years. In reality I'm going to be shooting for 3-3.5 years max. First payment on that is next month. Bills, school, life...I need to get more organized! And I finally feel like I am almost ready to. Here is our beautiful car, 2006 impala. Just rolled over 63,000 miles! Praying it does us well. Many, many more miles & adventures to go for this car.

House is almost all the way unpacked!!! WAHOOO!! A few more totes, some holiday & scrap booking ones to put in basement, and a little bit more to sort through then we are d. o. n. e. DONE! Then when weather is nice we will finish painting, because the smell of paint last time gave me a massive headache. For those curious, here is a photo of our house, even if it was taken during winter time (the man on the porch is James, kinda creepy if you didn't know! haha). Anyways, it is a perfect fit for us, well minus the fuel oil furnace. lol

This weekend my sister-in-law, her hubby, and Gaugers are coming down to visit. I am SOOOO stinking excited. I'm ready to spoil the buddy, I miss him SO much! I don't like living that far away from family, it's a bummer and it's only 2 hrs I cannot fathom living out of state. I am planning on making lots of delicious food this weekend, homemade mac n cheese, pancakes, biscuits & gravy, and maybe hamburgers? Gotta figure out some still, but I'm super excited to have family over to an unmessified and unpacked house :-)

One more thing before I go. As I was driving home this morning I was looking at the sky, and all the clouds in it. While looking for shapes in the sky, and reminiscing when I was little and used to do it all the time, I started thinking about a picture I saw a while ago of a heart poking through the clouds.  I wondered if that person photo shopped it, or if God truly blessed them with such a photo. I grew up looking at shapes in clouds with my family, so maybe for some it will be far fetched, but as soon as I looked up, there it was: a heart in the sky, made out of clouds. God provided for me this morning, and it made my heart so happy. I took a photo and 30 seconds later it was gone. It was just for me. God is so amazing. Let me know if you can spot it, okay? :-D

♥ Jess

Finding Hannah's Hope

Wednesday in communications I changed my topic for my information speech on a whim. The chosen topic was infertility and miscarriage. I didn't have to look any information up. I already knew what I wanted to talk about, information I almost wish I didn't know. Yet, I talked about it because now these are issues that hit close to my heart. I’ve just finished reading Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake. To be honest, I’ve started reading it again so I can dive deeper into it, instead of engulfing it like I did over the two days I read it.

There are so many things I love about this book. First of all I love the Biblical woman that she uses as an example throughout the book. Hannah. Now how many truly know about Hannah? Did you know she had a closed womb in a time that it was often seen that you had sinned against God and had no favor with Him? No birth control and no baby, how can that happen? So many women believe motherhood will just happen. It’s believed to be something that will be given to them by God in their timing. This is not always so. Just as those who may not want a child often end up with little one(s). God uses this time to shape a woman. Hannah included. If you read 1 Samuel 1-2:21 you will find the small story of Hannah. The beginnings of the chapters come from what can easily be imagined as Hannah’s perspective on whatever the topic of the coming chapter is. It’s a fictional outtake on how she probably felt as she endured her time of waiting, and it helps the reader step into her shoes. And many other woman's shoes in today’s society.

For those of us who have already had to endure as Hannah, it lets us know that we are not alone. Even women in the Bible experienced heartache through child loss and not becoming a mommy when expected. Which brings me to another thing that I truly love about this book, besides Hannah’s outtake on things there is the bulk of the chapter, heart treasures (with small thoughts and Bible verses), and burden bearers. Burden bearers is one of the best sources for someone who has a loved one that has been faced with infertility, miscarriage, or adoption loss.

Why? Because I can speak from experience, people, Christians included, do not know how to react to miscarriage or infertility. And thus going through these things puts a burden on your heart. Sometimes you wish to share because you want to remember your lost child, or acknowledge your pain, the fact that your heart yearns to be a mother. You just want someone to listen and pray with you, cry with you, cry for the pain you are going through, for the heartache you are having to endure. Yet, if you miscarry and tell people you will face silence or hear things like “It’s for the best, there probably was genetic defects” Yes this thought truly warms my heart. Or, “At least you know you can get pregnant!” This is true, and after trying it is something that will cross my mind, but don’t remind me, because I still do not know if I can sustain a pregnancy to full term. Sow what’s the point of getting pregnant if I cannot have a child to hold? I know I will get to see them in heaven, but I do not think it is selfish to want one here with me on earth.

If a married couple is experiencing infertility then can you imagine the pain they feel every time they are asked, “So when are you going to have kids?” or “Just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant” First of all…do you really want the person facing infertility to tell you what’s on their heart? Because they probably could tell you about taking their temp every morning, using ovulation predictor kits, being poked prodded by doctors, facing various tests, and facing their cycle coming month after month when it seems everyone around them is getting pregnant. And secondly, if you are not God then don’t promise pregnancy. Many women never live to carry a child. God may be using them to adopt, don’t promise them something that God alone can choose. And lastly, when you see a woman or couple grieving from any of this loss, be it a pregnancy, time of motherhood, or a lost adoption, do not tell them to get over it! The Bible says to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15. Mourn with those who mourn. It means cry, feel empathy, acknowledge their loss and pain from childlessness. Yet, remember sometimes it’s hard to rejoice with others when mourning. Show compassion, if you get pregnant and know their past it may be best to tell them personally before they hear it from others or see it plastered all over our lovely social networking site. Because such things are such a stabbing pain at times.

I’m not trying to point fingers, just simply trying to inform. 1 in 6 couples will experience some form of infertility. 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that does not include chemical pregnancies. Drs normally do not include chemical pregnancies as a miscarriage because the pregnancy ends before it truly has time to start. Twenty percent end in miscarriage, think about it, that is 2 out of 10 pregnancies. And this does not include stillborn babies, which are born 20 weeks or after. So many women experience loss and heartache pertaining to pregnancy and children that their heart says they should have.

Where does my story fit in all of this? James and I have lost two babies, one due to a chemical pregnancy, and another due to a blighted ovum. I have PCOS and a clotting disorder. I am quite open about this, and will talk to you about it if you ask. But please think about things before you say them; put yourself in Hannah’s shoes. Do not say, “I cannot imagine.” I found a blog post about this topic. The author says, “When we say to grieving people, “Oh, I can’t imagine” we might be saying “I don’t want to imagine.”” (http://mollypiper.com/2011/02/when-you-want-to-say-i-cant-imagine-just-try/ is the link to this post). I highly recommend reading this post. She speaks candidly on grief after experiencing child loss herself.

Another thing, if you know a couple is in the mode of trying to conceive…do not ask specifically every month if a pregnancy has occurred. Including myself. If you ask me how I am, I may tell you things about trying to conceive or, I may not.  Try not ask a couple when they are going to start their family, they have a family in each other and you may not know the struggle they have in trying to conceive a child, and your question may feel even more like failure. A reminder on top of a monthly reminded that they still do not have someone that will one day call them mommy, or “rise up and call her blessed.”

It is because of the various ways childlessness affects women with a motherly heart that I definitely think you should pick up Hannah’s Hope to better equip yourself to be there for those who are grieving. And remember, even if it hurts…just try to imagine putting yourself in their shoes.

♥ Jess

In Our OWN Home

We are in our own house, spent the first night in it this past Saturday. Quickly learning things that we need to change asap (small things like getting curtains, energy efficient ones to big things like a energy efficient propane furnace). Our fuel oil furnace is costing about 500 a month in fuel oil, VERY not practical. Please pray spring is almost here. Otherwise we are going to be living in a VERY cold house. Hoping to save/get a loan before next winter for a different furnace.

Tuesday was my first day of orientation, crazy to think of having a well paying job. Sad that I won't get to see the kiddos though. Next weeks starts my training process. Quite nervous. :-( eeeeek. Haven't done any of this since December! I am blessed to have this job, and thankful that I had the ability to have taken the CNA class. Tomorrow I go over all the skills assessments, like blood pressure and who knows what else. Then I have to take my State Certification sometime soon (because then I get 1.10 pay raise!).

I'm all over the place today, my brain won't keep still. Sorry for jumping all over the place. Our financial place right now seems to be in the spend mode. Fuel Oil = 520 for a fill, Electric Deposit = 220....the list goes on. And to add to it, I need scrubs for my new job! (that kinda makes me :-) to think of ordering scrubs!). I was excited for this new job to be able to save, but at the present moment it doesn't appear that will be happening. Praise God for our emergency fund that is in place again at least.

Yet, all this makes James nervous for trying to conceive. Which I cannot blame him. But, I do think we could have our finances in order before a little baby came. God has blessed me with a good job now, so I think other things will soon follow suit. So for this month, though I truly wanted to try for a little bambino, James says we probably shouldn't. Though, I kind of think we probably won't be the greatest at preventing, which in my opinion is trying. I really want to try the sperm meets egg plan...next month if not this month. You are most fertile (at least many think so) the three months following a miscarriage. I have faith that we will be pregnant soon. And a little Hillard baby will be joining the world in 2012. James has a good plan waiting this month though, he wants to start eating healthy and daily exercise. Both things would be good for both of us.

And I figured it out, with Jenny's wedding in June (and me being the MOH) I have until August to conceive and not be huge at her wedding (this would mean having the baby in May, so downside of this late might mean still looking pregnant lol, but at least she would have a cute tiny ring bearer or flower girl). If we aren't pregnant by August we probably wouldn't TTC again until November so I won't have a chance of popping right around her wedding LOL. I cannot wait to get a BFP and see a healthy little heartbeat on an ultrasound. It's also scary to think about getting pregnant again. One thing is for sure they are going to test my progesterone & hcg as soon as I get a positive. AND then continue testing my hcg until it is high enough to see a heart beat, and we actually see a heart beat on the screen.

I also cannot wait to find out if I am in the Nursing program in September. SO many things to look forward to, but in the mean time I am content(ish) and blessed in my current position. I am leaning on scripture.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

"And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose"
Romans 8:28

I am a blessed. Though, at times I certainly need to remind myself in amidst this baby boom of 2011.
♥ Jess

P.S. I had my period, and it was 100% normal. Back to temping, OPKs, and praying for normalcy. 

Things are Looking Up

Few days ago I posted Psalm 40:1-2,

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.

Today I have to say, I should have continued onto the third verse

He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

 I have been down lately. I was feeling out of hope, but that makes sense because Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." My hope has been delayed, deferred, and such for most areas of my life lately. And it has seemed life was trying to rub it in, mostly with the baby boom and such. Yet, God has placed a new song in my mouth, and hope again in my heart.

James and I are looking at tentatively moving into our house the weekend of the 19th. AND I got a phone call today from a nursing home to find out if I was interested for third shift for sure. Uh...yeah! Would prefer second to match up with James, but a foot in the door is a foot in the door. I am so hopeful and excited! Life is looking up!

I also started thinking about getting short term disability insurance for when off for maternity leave, James is gonna call a friend to get price quotes. We'll see :-) Would like to have that all in place before we try again! Still waiting to get my lab slip in the mail so I can go get more blood work done. Hopefully that will be this week too. Ahhh, heart is soooo happy. Filled with praise to my amazing God, He gives and He takes away.

One more thought on Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I think this verse may be for women that are trying to conceive or going through miscarriage. That hope that you have, when it is deferred is gut wrenching and horrid. Yet, imagining the day of being able to hold a child (when that day happens) is amazing. That longing will be fulfilled, spirits lifted, heart healed more, and a new life is created here on Earth. So amazing to think about! Hopeful that it will be sometime soon for James and I. Cannot wait to be parents and pass on God's love to another generation.