Dreams

I have had some outrageous dreams late. One was quite erotic and very strange. But another? Another was us being successful with our produce business and with me working as a nurse we were able to pay off ALL of our debt. So much so that we asked James's family if they wanted to go on vacation together and offered to help those that needed it, and pay for his parents. What a joy to do such a thing would be1

Dreams. James and I have been talking about our vision for the farm's 22 acres, and what we wish to do with it. Sweet corn (which btw if left unwatered doesn't turn out as sweet), an acre of tomatoes, I would love fruit trees (peaches, apples, and pears) and maybe some nut trees (pecan and walnut), and then a variety of other fruits and veggies: green beans, potatoes, cucumbers, squash, pumpkins, zucchini, onions, broccoli, berries, etc. Then there is the possibility of livestock (we would do pigs, cows, and chicken most likely). Of James quitting his job to sell produce, opening a little cafe/bakery/market to sell produce.

Dreams. My youngest sister has now begun letting me know that 'Matthew is going to need a little sister to play with soon.' I would LOVE to give that to him, maybe 2 little sisters, and 1 little brother :-) and then foster care. James and I dream of a big house, not 19 kids and counting big, but 4+ big. I know financially that seems scare, and quite frankly almost impossible with my complications. BUT not impossible, because anything is possible with God.

Dreams. I had thought about it, but James spoke it first. Of fixing up our current home, but not adding on as we had talked when we were in agreement it was our forever home. Our dream is to buy acreage (for hunting, produce, and livestock) and build a house on it, to our liking. And since we want many kids you can imagine the size. I would love to be self-sufficient for the most part as well.

Dreams. Of being a L&D nurse. A Lactation Consultant. An advocate for my patients. Of seeing miracles be born. And possibly delivering one myself one day if I choose to become a midwife. Oh to dream!

I had dreamt of my sister-in-laws and myself being pregnant at the same time. J & His wife are done having kings. E & A are pregnant right now (with gender u/s in less than 2 weeks), L & J are ttc right now, and James and I are in limbo due to the shortened LP I just experienced. I would LOVE to be pregnant at the same time as A & L, I hope God can orchestrate that for all of us! A is due in January. So for us to get pregnant in October or November would be wonderful!! :-)

Oiy. Dreams of working 3rd shift again. LOL I like 1st because I see the residents awake, I get to spend evenings awake with my family, BUT if we choose to do public school and James is doing produce I may choose to go back to nights. I function just as well. I like the lack of drama. My body is conditioned to have minimal sleep , and broken up too. But this of course would be once we are for sure done having babies and the kids are older. But I really do miss it. Lets face it, I am not much of a morning person.

Anyways, speaking of mornings....I have to work and it is almost time. So I will write more later :-)

First Real AF.

Well I am smack dab in the midst of cramping...my uterus hates mes at the moment! I was SO spoiled not having a real period for 18 months. (Yes, Matthew is 9 months old already, how has that happened?!). And after this period, I REALLY NEED to change my eating habits.

I have successfully eaten a whole jar of nuttella with a bag of pretzels this week.

And probably a quarter of a bag of white chocolate chips.

Oiy! Just put me down all ready! Haha. James just got done with a 3 day detox and lost TEN pounds. He says he isn't shaving his beard until he loses a hundred pounds. Well he is a tenth of a way there I suppose!

I need to lose weight, desperately. Maybe then my LP will go back to the beautiful 14 days it used to be. Instead of the 9ish one it was this time. I wouldn't mind keep ovulation earlier in the cycle though!!

I think it is time to start back up Weight Loss Wednesday.

Good bye nuttella, hello red peppers, and Bob Harper :-)

Spotting

Well AF might show up a few days early! I O'd earlier than pre-Matthew. And now it appears I have started spotting 9dpo. Oh well hopefully my cycle will work itself back out to "normal" after a few cycles! :-)

4 Years Have Flown Bye!

How is it that 4 years have flown past already? 8/15/2009 I married my best friend. It was one of the best days of my life. We didnt know what God had in store for us but we knew we loved each other and were committed to spend the rest of our lives together.

We have only done something big for our anniversary one year. Our 2nd anniversary we went to Mackinaw Island. We have been too broke the rest of the years lol ONE day we will go on a true fancy honeymoon. :-)

Like maybe once I am done with nursing school.

We have started making plans for next year's anniversary so it isnt a flop again, like tonight James is at a bachelor party for a wedding he is in Saturday (I still have nothing to wear that is compatible with nursing...).

Our plans? We never wrote our own vows. I told James I want to dress up, go out to eat, maybe a weekend away, and at some point read each other our vows to each other. I am super excited, too bad it is a year away ;-)

I will leave you with some pictures of our wedding, and a picture of our family then and now :-)

Ovulating still?

After feeling cramping like o pain on right side yesterday morning. I feel the same thing but on my LEFT side. Decide to do another oak to see the one below. This has never happened to me before. I always had to oak 2x a day to catch my ovulation.

Super crazy body idk what is going on....it's like I ovulated from both sides, but 24 hours apart which I know is SUPER unlikely. But crazy. Speaking of crazy body I was also checking my cervix and noticed I have a couple lumps on it. Not sure what that is about online says cyst most likely but if it doesn't go away this Chicago will be going to the GYN to get checked out.

Anywhoo....this mornings opk....

Ovulation!

Felt like I was ovulating this morning took opk tonight and sure enough....positive without a doubt. Not having sex, last time we had sex was Sunday. So while we could still get pregnant, I am not going to worry either way. Now I kind of wonder if the spotting I had really was a cycle...it was SO light though!!!

Lacking....and Rambling updates

Lately I have been feeling quite blah.

Pretty sure it is because we are lacking in so many areas right now.

From the time I spend with God (or the lack Sundays that I have been able to attend church due to working Sundays...)

To the lack of exercise.

Lack of financial stability (really needing to pick up shifts and get on a strict budget).

To lack of time together alone with James.

Lack of motivation to eat healthy again.

You get the picture. Just exhausted with life. On verge of feeling slightly depressed. Not feeling good about body image. Just blaah.

Things need to change. No more pumpkin spice marshmallows (which are delicious BTW), no more caffeine, no more candy bars, or late night snacks. We need to make smarter choices. No more NCIS marathon sitting on our butts, we need to get out and exercise, pick up the biggest loser DVDs and get active. This fat needs to go.

James has been depressed basically since Matthew was born. He tried to curb not telling me what he had been struggling with by eating food. Eating food made him gain weight making him more depressed. He tried for 2 weeks to lose weight, it usually melts off...this time he lost 2 lbs.

That only made him feel less confident in himself. He is up 30 lbs right now. Clothes aren't fitting right any more but with work he is struggling to make the time to exercise. And finances make it hard to eat healthy at times.

But the excuses need to fade away, right along with our fat. His dad is going through a 6 month journaling time to prepare for gastric bipass. He has struggled with his weight since I have known James. Diet after diet, nothing has worked. He really doesn't eat badly, and he is active for a man his size. He is not the stereotypical fat person. He weighs close to 500lbs. Basically our family doctor told him it is his genetics, there is no other weight loss plan he could put him on.

So now we are kind of fearing if James doesn't get a grip on it soon he will be down the same path. And if that is what he is going to have to do to maintain a healthy weight we would almost rather it be done sooner rather than later so he doesn't ruin his joints.

I always kind of thought bipass was the fat persons lazy way out. But truly it isn't. It is for some, and for others (like James's dad) it is a last resort because he wants to be around to watch his grandchildren grow up. And we want him around. It will be crazy to see the weight melt off him in the next year.

I just hope it is melting off James and I as well during the process, that or my belly is round with a baby growing inside of it :-). Either way, I want to be jogging 5ks here pretty soon and continue through our next pregnancy.

Oh and an update on the sweetcorn? We have made back seed money. And we still have a quarter of an acre that isn't ready. Next year James is going to plant somewhere from 1.5-2 acres up from the 1/2 that we planted today, and we haven't talked to my mom but we hope to do a garden over at her place. Because I think she would help us with upkeep, and as much as I am over there with Matthew it would be more plausible than doing it down to James's parents house.

Anyways, exam time is almost here. I have to get at least a 30% to pass the class. I didn't really study and decided if I failed then I deserve to fail...but hoping and believing I am going to pass :-)

Final Decision

So AF still hasn't showed up. I am somewhere between 30-40 days post my shot. We were only going to wait one cycle. A cycle is usually 32 days for me.

So therefore...I am done with condoms and the POAP (pull out and pray) methods. If we get pregnant then it was God's will. If we don't I am okay with that as well.

Not trying. Not preventing. Feels good to have you back.

I don't want to turn crazy TTC woman again. So this is a better fit. I know some people wait 3 months post methotrexate, but I have taken so much additional folic acid, I only had one shot, I feel as if all will be well.

I am wondering if the stress has been keeping AF away, and sometimes wonder if I am not going to have a period very soon due to breast feeding. Or if it will show up soon due to the fact that I have cramps.

Who knows? I just give up control and believe He is going to lead us to have the size of a family we are supposed to

So I keep waitin', waitin' on AF to come...

It's hard to believe that after 17 wonderful months of no periods I am waiting for af to show up STILL. It is 8weeks post mtx shot...tomorrow.

I had spotting last week thursday, and then enough another day I thought FOR SURE this is it.

Nope.

Crampy off and on. And then tonight I had different discharge....like the gummy looking cm. Bewildered.

Boo.

It will show up and surprise me soon I am sure.

Negative hpt and STILL nothing

AF is avoiding me still. Brown spotting, then nothing. Then brown spotting. Then nothing. Cramps. Then nothing. You get the picture. I am 40 days out from my shot, and 22 days past hcg officially being below 5. I could have up to another 2 weeks before AF shows up if the 4-6 weeks is the standard post mtx shot.

Or longer if breast feeding is impeding ovulation and such.

Or maybe God is making the cycle longer because they recommend anywhere from 1-3 months, or 100 days post mtx shot. If it was another 2 weeks that would put me at 54, plus 16 days (old O days) that is 70 days, and for me that is close enough to stop preventing actively.

Life Stressors

Sometimes life gets too crazy to even function. Like a car with dirty spark plugs, you sputter around not functioning at full capacity.

That has been me lately. But add a cracked windshield, tons of trash, baby items, school crap, and dog hair on the inside and you will have my car. Same for my husband's car but add a muffler that makes you think motorcycle is coming vs a car and delete the school junk...

Our house? It has been inhabitable for some. I hadn't vacuumed in a month. My floor was missing beneath baby clothes, laundry sitting in baskets ready to be folded, and dog hair. Kitchen counters hidden beneath dirty dishes. Table hidden beneath mail. You get the picture.

I got fired from work for my tardies that had accumulated. And then re-hired for pool (per diem). Which means: a 16c raise, no benefits (we only had dental and life), and no more union dues.

Then that day I got fired I left my key on in my car (turned so I could listen to the radio....idk what in the world I was thinking). And it sat there...for 2 days. Until dead. Dead dead. Like the day we jumped it that night it sat smoking and smelling like sulfur when we got home. The next day just to take it down to James's dad's it was boiling. We are lucky it didn't blow up. Yup go me.

So while things are in ruins (car, house, finances, etc), I start to slowly realize how much we are missing God in our home. I have leaned on God for school, and it is the one area going decently well.

So I have to start leaning on Him more, and giving him more praise and coming to him with an open heart and pour out of myself so HE can fill me up and give me whatever it is I need.

The corn sales allowed us to have the money for the battery. Praise GOD!
We have a month until my refund check, that will allow us to catch up on bills. Thank the Lord.
I have a job!
We have Matthew, whom by the way is getting big WAY too fast.

I have realized I think I was in more of a funk, after the bump in our relationship back in February. I hadn't laughed as much as usual. Things have been slipping away from me. Just overwhelmed with life.

But all will be well as I lean on God and find me some rest.

Bills will still be there, but I can pray that the sweet corn sells quickly and leaves us with a good profit!

AF still hasn't arrived and I am itching to TTC again, but we are going to leave it up to God's timing so our wishes will *hopefully* match up with his bettor. One day of spotting, now great occasional brown. Blah

Anyways, I need to catch some actual rest. Sorry if jambled, exhausted

Taunting...

AF is teasing me. I spotted yesterday morning and then nada. I still have the whole rest of the day ahead of me, but quite frustrating.

Homework is killing this weekend slowly.

But this little bundle of joy is the reminder that all is well.

Hallelujah!

Houston we have spotting! As long as AF starts up full force James and I are saying adios condoms. I will start using opks again on CD10, but as long as AF is here tomorrow I am back to my 32 day long cycles. Which I am okay with.

I must have missed ovulation with the opks , here I was thinking I hadn't ovulated yet. Unless this is an annovulatory cycle...either way it is my 1st one post ectopic, so I will take it!!

:-) :-)

Now to decide w/finances the way they are if we want to TTC, continue NTNP or what....boo.