Alone in the Rain?

Today has been one of those days that nothing seems to go right. Work sucked. Badly. Then I get a text from James while at work that his car might be on it's last leg. I get home, finally get my heart monitor off...which left red itchy spots on me. Obviously I'm slightly allergic to that tape. Get home, sleep. Eat breakfast with James. Got a tummy ache. Went back to bed til 2. Spent no time with James at all today. Then I get a call he's 15 min from home and car is dying. Struggling to move.

This morning after breakfast I looked at car with him. Metal shavings in the oil. Great. So the Buick is parked at his Dad's garage. Pretty much dead. Like waiting for an old person to die, seeing all the signs slowly appearing but hoping that it's not true. To top this off, James informs me too that the fuel oil is down to half a tank. We've used $275 worth of fuel oil keeping our house set at a balmy 66. (P.S. it got filled beginning of this month and it was 550 to fill it). We still owe $ on impala. And now going to have to see about borrowing for another car, when we had planned on doing such in June with impala paid off and an emergency savings in place again.

I'm feeling so far down today. Feel incompetent at my job because I'm so darn slow. Feel incompetent as a wife because I wasn't able to stay pregnant with everyone else pregnant around me it feels, and to top off everything I can't go get groceries tonight, there's no milk! and I've got cramps up the wazoo. Feeling lousy as children ministry leader because I wasn't able to drive to go finish up the nursery decorations @ church tonight. Basically I'm in the middle of lies and a pity party that I do not want to attend but struggling to find a way out. Tears fall down my cheeks with out listening when I tell them to stop.

I'm feeling so alone and isolated in the rain today. I just want a friend to spend time with today, and I don't want to have to ask. I want to spend time with James, but he's working and tomorrow will be forced to look at cars and financing. Thursday brings another struggle...2 people with 2 separate schedules and one car. God can you help me please? I will stand in this rain alone if this is what you desire. But my heart is aching and crying out for you. I'm waiting for an answer, but all I'm hearing in reply is silence. Waiting. Stress. And heartbreak.

Finding Hannah's Hope

Wednesday in communications I changed my topic for my information speech on a whim. The chosen topic was infertility and miscarriage. I didn't have to look any information up. I already knew what I wanted to talk about, information I almost wish I didn't know. Yet, I talked about it because now these are issues that hit close to my heart. I’ve just finished reading Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake. To be honest, I’ve started reading it again so I can dive deeper into it, instead of engulfing it like I did over the two days I read it.

There are so many things I love about this book. First of all I love the Biblical woman that she uses as an example throughout the book. Hannah. Now how many truly know about Hannah? Did you know she had a closed womb in a time that it was often seen that you had sinned against God and had no favor with Him? No birth control and no baby, how can that happen? So many women believe motherhood will just happen. It’s believed to be something that will be given to them by God in their timing. This is not always so. Just as those who may not want a child often end up with little one(s). God uses this time to shape a woman. Hannah included. If you read 1 Samuel 1-2:21 you will find the small story of Hannah. The beginnings of the chapters come from what can easily be imagined as Hannah’s perspective on whatever the topic of the coming chapter is. It’s a fictional outtake on how she probably felt as she endured her time of waiting, and it helps the reader step into her shoes. And many other woman's shoes in today’s society.

For those of us who have already had to endure as Hannah, it lets us know that we are not alone. Even women in the Bible experienced heartache through child loss and not becoming a mommy when expected. Which brings me to another thing that I truly love about this book, besides Hannah’s outtake on things there is the bulk of the chapter, heart treasures (with small thoughts and Bible verses), and burden bearers. Burden bearers is one of the best sources for someone who has a loved one that has been faced with infertility, miscarriage, or adoption loss.

Why? Because I can speak from experience, people, Christians included, do not know how to react to miscarriage or infertility. And thus going through these things puts a burden on your heart. Sometimes you wish to share because you want to remember your lost child, or acknowledge your pain, the fact that your heart yearns to be a mother. You just want someone to listen and pray with you, cry with you, cry for the pain you are going through, for the heartache you are having to endure. Yet, if you miscarry and tell people you will face silence or hear things like “It’s for the best, there probably was genetic defects” Yes this thought truly warms my heart. Or, “At least you know you can get pregnant!” This is true, and after trying it is something that will cross my mind, but don’t remind me, because I still do not know if I can sustain a pregnancy to full term. Sow what’s the point of getting pregnant if I cannot have a child to hold? I know I will get to see them in heaven, but I do not think it is selfish to want one here with me on earth.

If a married couple is experiencing infertility then can you imagine the pain they feel every time they are asked, “So when are you going to have kids?” or “Just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant” First of all…do you really want the person facing infertility to tell you what’s on their heart? Because they probably could tell you about taking their temp every morning, using ovulation predictor kits, being poked prodded by doctors, facing various tests, and facing their cycle coming month after month when it seems everyone around them is getting pregnant. And secondly, if you are not God then don’t promise pregnancy. Many women never live to carry a child. God may be using them to adopt, don’t promise them something that God alone can choose. And lastly, when you see a woman or couple grieving from any of this loss, be it a pregnancy, time of motherhood, or a lost adoption, do not tell them to get over it! The Bible says to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15. Mourn with those who mourn. It means cry, feel empathy, acknowledge their loss and pain from childlessness. Yet, remember sometimes it’s hard to rejoice with others when mourning. Show compassion, if you get pregnant and know their past it may be best to tell them personally before they hear it from others or see it plastered all over our lovely social networking site. Because such things are such a stabbing pain at times.

I’m not trying to point fingers, just simply trying to inform. 1 in 6 couples will experience some form of infertility. 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that does not include chemical pregnancies. Drs normally do not include chemical pregnancies as a miscarriage because the pregnancy ends before it truly has time to start. Twenty percent end in miscarriage, think about it, that is 2 out of 10 pregnancies. And this does not include stillborn babies, which are born 20 weeks or after. So many women experience loss and heartache pertaining to pregnancy and children that their heart says they should have.

Where does my story fit in all of this? James and I have lost two babies, one due to a chemical pregnancy, and another due to a blighted ovum. I have PCOS and a clotting disorder. I am quite open about this, and will talk to you about it if you ask. But please think about things before you say them; put yourself in Hannah’s shoes. Do not say, “I cannot imagine.” I found a blog post about this topic. The author says, “When we say to grieving people, “Oh, I can’t imagine” we might be saying “I don’t want to imagine.”” (http://mollypiper.com/2011/02/when-you-want-to-say-i-cant-imagine-just-try/ is the link to this post). I highly recommend reading this post. She speaks candidly on grief after experiencing child loss herself.

Another thing, if you know a couple is in the mode of trying to conceive…do not ask specifically every month if a pregnancy has occurred. Including myself. If you ask me how I am, I may tell you things about trying to conceive or, I may not.  Try not ask a couple when they are going to start their family, they have a family in each other and you may not know the struggle they have in trying to conceive a child, and your question may feel even more like failure. A reminder on top of a monthly reminded that they still do not have someone that will one day call them mommy, or “rise up and call her blessed.”

It is because of the various ways childlessness affects women with a motherly heart that I definitely think you should pick up Hannah’s Hope to better equip yourself to be there for those who are grieving. And remember, even if it hurts…just try to imagine putting yourself in their shoes.

♥ Jess

Crazy Dream

Tonight I had to take a nap before work so I wouldn't drag butt bad at work. But I woke up to having a bad dream about having another miscarriage. Only this time the baby was a little smaller than the palm of my hand and we were able to take him/her home to bury. My heart cried out, but there were no tears because I knew it was just a dream. I am thinking no more snacks before naps. And that I really need to write the note for facebook about the book that I just finished. I just think more people need to be aware of the pain of miscarriage and how to cope with it, even if the grief hasn't happened to them. That's where my heart is. I'm thinking about bringing my Bible and Hannah's Hope to work tonight so I can look up the scripture I zoomed past. And probably write some of it down on note cards. I need to get back to doing that sort of thing. Then I can carry them around and memorize scripture.

As for now, shower is calling. I have to leave for work in an hour.

♥ Jess

Sleepy Update

I'm liking third shift so far :-) But am kind of nervous for when I will be working by myself, which will be this time next week if you are curious. In the midst of starting a new job, we have also had to come up with $480 needed to fix the impala. Kinda feels like it hits you in the chest because there goes all of our emergency fund from these past 2 months. Stupid heat & stupid car! Anyways, I'm praising God for this book I'm reading, "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss". It has been such a blessing to me thus far. I've read it so fast that after I finish it I'm going to start again I think. But, I will write more on the book later because I have to go to the Dr. pertaining my heart, which oddly enough hasn't acted up since this weekend....weird/good. Hoping it means all is well and next month we can ensue with trying to make a baby again.
♥ Jess

Update: Went to the Dr. at 1030 today, for them to tell me they had me at 10. If I had known it was 10 I would have been there at 10...the lady messed up grrrrr. Oh well, all that was lost was time with James and gas $ *rolls eyes* I get to go back tomorrow at 915 after work.

Heart is Telling Me Something

So my heart has been telling me something, I'm just not a good translator. And by heart, I mean my physical heart. It's been fluttery, fast beating, and irregular heart beat this past week. I finally went to urgent care today for it to not mess up...ugh. Dr there recommended that I get a heart harness to get things checked out by a cardiologist. And this is after getting my positive on my OPK letting me know I'm ovulating. So sad to be missing out on this cycle. So my heart is achy emotionally as well as physically. I start third shift tomorrow, hoping that heart gets figured out ASAP and that they don't need me to do something extensive to fix it...which would cause me to miss work the 2nd week there :-( Ok time to stop being anxious, God has me covered.

Exhausted,

Lots of things are making me feel exhausted lately. Be it the changes going on around us with house and job, or emotional with the feelings of loss still. I also have been having really bad blood pressure lately, think this might be adding to it. All of these things put together have made James and I to decided to wait another month or 2 before we start trying to get pregnant. As for now, I still am using OPKs and temping because it will give me a good base to go off of. Back to using condoms when 3-5 days before ovulation.

Also, this week I've been on days. Which happens to be 630-230. I live about 30 min from work so I have to get up about 5am to be ready to leave by 6. And guess who leaves for work at like 2-215? James. He gets to work when I am turning on the car usually. Not fun, I miss him terribly. Then next week I work 3rds so we won't get to sleep together :-( ,and by sleep together I mean Zzzzzzzzz.

Tonight I have class so I gotta scoot. Need to try to figure out what is going to be said in communications when giving informative speech. Yet, all my eyes want to do is shut. Might volunteer to go first and go home and go to bed.

zzzzzzzz, ugh. Will write later, Love ya!!

In Our OWN Home

We are in our own house, spent the first night in it this past Saturday. Quickly learning things that we need to change asap (small things like getting curtains, energy efficient ones to big things like a energy efficient propane furnace). Our fuel oil furnace is costing about 500 a month in fuel oil, VERY not practical. Please pray spring is almost here. Otherwise we are going to be living in a VERY cold house. Hoping to save/get a loan before next winter for a different furnace.

Tuesday was my first day of orientation, crazy to think of having a well paying job. Sad that I won't get to see the kiddos though. Next weeks starts my training process. Quite nervous. :-( eeeeek. Haven't done any of this since December! I am blessed to have this job, and thankful that I had the ability to have taken the CNA class. Tomorrow I go over all the skills assessments, like blood pressure and who knows what else. Then I have to take my State Certification sometime soon (because then I get 1.10 pay raise!).

I'm all over the place today, my brain won't keep still. Sorry for jumping all over the place. Our financial place right now seems to be in the spend mode. Fuel Oil = 520 for a fill, Electric Deposit = 220....the list goes on. And to add to it, I need scrubs for my new job! (that kinda makes me :-) to think of ordering scrubs!). I was excited for this new job to be able to save, but at the present moment it doesn't appear that will be happening. Praise God for our emergency fund that is in place again at least.

Yet, all this makes James nervous for trying to conceive. Which I cannot blame him. But, I do think we could have our finances in order before a little baby came. God has blessed me with a good job now, so I think other things will soon follow suit. So for this month, though I truly wanted to try for a little bambino, James says we probably shouldn't. Though, I kind of think we probably won't be the greatest at preventing, which in my opinion is trying. I really want to try the sperm meets egg plan...next month if not this month. You are most fertile (at least many think so) the three months following a miscarriage. I have faith that we will be pregnant soon. And a little Hillard baby will be joining the world in 2012. James has a good plan waiting this month though, he wants to start eating healthy and daily exercise. Both things would be good for both of us.

And I figured it out, with Jenny's wedding in June (and me being the MOH) I have until August to conceive and not be huge at her wedding (this would mean having the baby in May, so downside of this late might mean still looking pregnant lol, but at least she would have a cute tiny ring bearer or flower girl). If we aren't pregnant by August we probably wouldn't TTC again until November so I won't have a chance of popping right around her wedding LOL. I cannot wait to get a BFP and see a healthy little heartbeat on an ultrasound. It's also scary to think about getting pregnant again. One thing is for sure they are going to test my progesterone & hcg as soon as I get a positive. AND then continue testing my hcg until it is high enough to see a heart beat, and we actually see a heart beat on the screen.

I also cannot wait to find out if I am in the Nursing program in September. SO many things to look forward to, but in the mean time I am content(ish) and blessed in my current position. I am leaning on scripture.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

"And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose"
Romans 8:28

I am a blessed. Though, at times I certainly need to remind myself in amidst this baby boom of 2011.
♥ Jess

P.S. I had my period, and it was 100% normal. Back to temping, OPKs, and praying for normalcy.