Weight Loss Wednesday (and you have GOT to be kidding me)

Weight loss. Well the scale a couple of days ago was down to 207 from 208.3

I have lost 1.3 lbs in a week.
Overall loss 7 lbs

Starting to get easier but I have learned when tired I make poor choices. When I am stressed I make poor choices. Both together? Oiy vey!

That was today btw Matthew hasn't been sleeping well and I haven't been able to get much sleep and struggling to get homework or school work done because of clingy cranky boy.

Oh and then there is the point of a possible ANOTHER stupid pink line. Going to test again with my second morning urine tomorrow. I thought I saw something.  And then forgot about it. One hour there was a faint line. I had to take it out of the case to get a pic to focus. I do not know if it is a fpl, indent, or what. Frer has never had a evap line and any pink has equalled a pregnancy.  So who freaking knows?

You have GOT to be kidding me, I know.

Weigh Loss Wednesday

Last week I weighed in at 208.8

Then I started having constipation issues. So I ate everything (and then felt sick) trying to get it to move.

I thought my issues were gone but as evidenced by the miralax in my bag you would know otherwise. No poop yesterday or this morning.

The scale yesterday read 208.3 I am going by that. Because today's read 209.2.

total weight loss: -5.7
This week: -0.5

This week's goal is to find time 3 days this week to exercise. And continue to drink at least 8 glasses of water.

Issues of the Heart

Heart issues all around. Between being stuck on the cardiac chapter for school and personal heart (emotional) issues.  This has been a tough couple of weeks.

Loss #8 is still hitting me so hard. Having problems shaking the sadness. 8 losses.  8 babies that I know would have been perfect and loved just the way they were. I am so weary from this journey.  So tired of excitement followed by pain and loss.

When you add to that conflicting emotions of being happy for others that are pregnant but so sad for you...it makes it tough. Even tougher when both women's due dates fall right around where this last loss was due. Jealousy creeps in mixed with this sadness as much as it grieves me to admit this.

And the sadness is getting harder to hide. A smile is a heavy effort some days. Some days it is hard to find the blessings. And joy.

James and I have talked about putting tanning in the budget just to make me hopefully feel a bit better.  This winter is dragging on. And dragging me down.

Just in case anyone is wondering my three month pregnancy and loss track is right back where it was. June/July.  Then October then January.  So I figure April I am due again. Maybe by then I won't be as fat and the baby will decide to stick around.

Note to Self

Things will get better. The sun always shines brightly after the night. One day you will look back on these times and think it was worth the lessons you learned and the life experiences.

God is shaping you and making you more dependent on him through the tough times. Yes there have been not so gentle reminders that he is in control encompasses everything.  Not just fertility.  But also weight loss,  your health, and your finances.

God has it handled.  Lean on him. He reminds us he know about the number of hairs on our heads, that the sparrow doesn't worry about tomorrow...so why should we when he treasures us much more?

He is behind us, with us, and ahead of us. He knows what is coming and what tools we need to handle it. So trust Him. Remember he loves us and remember to thank him for all you have. Do not be like the Israelite people wandering through the desert seeing God himself as a pillar and still doubting His capabilities of leading you.

Remember you are blessed. Just as your son is fearfully and wonderfully made...so are YOU. You are perfect in the way God created you. It is part of your story. Part of what makes you unique, beautiful,  and strong.

You are worthy of God's love because He says you are. He gave his son up for you and all of your imperfections. Listen to the small nudges from the Holy Spirit and thank Jesus for bridging the gap between you and God.

You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you. He knows the plans he had for you, plans not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future. So trust him when he shuts doors and look for open doors that you may not have expected. Trust him when he says and remember to thank him regardless of the circumstances.

I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me.

Weight Loss Wednesday

I started weighing in at 214. And now I am staying at 208.8.

I have been lax with calories the past few days so I am sure that is why the scale hasn't moved since last I wrote. 

Matthew broke our blue ray player so I haven't been able to work out with Bob. Hoping to get a new one this week.

We have still been doing smoothies pretty much daily. So I am hoping with weight loss plus all the antioxidants and anti inflammatory stuff in the berries that we will get pregnant without many more losses.

Feeling pretty sad today about all our lost babies. Having a hard time shaking it. I have been diving in the Bible and just taking heart in the hope and reassurance from God that one day I will get to experience a healthy pregnancy again.

Have a feeling it will only be once more. Though I wouldn't mind being wrong.

All in all I am just sad. And those 2 sugar cookies didn't even help. For weight loss or my blues.

Weight Loss Wednesday. ..

Will be back again! This is 4 days late (or 3 days early lol). I meant to write but got side tracked by life.

First of all...James went to the gastric bypass surgeon appointment and essentially got told by the doctor that he would not do surgery on him. First of all he is the healthiest patient he had seen in years. Secondly the compliance for surgery for his age group (for men) is 29%.

Yup you read that right. Twenty - nine percent!!!

So James will be doing monthly appointments with him until he reaches a healthy weight. He weighed in at 330 lbs. At 6'1" the doctor said 210 he would be perfect physical shape. James is shooting for 230-240. The doctor said 2000 calorie diet, without exercise,  he would reach his goal in 2 years. We are hoping for 240 by next March (2015).

With James needing to eat healthier, count calories, and eat a low ish carb diet...I decided it was time to join. I weighed in that morning...214 lbs.  :-( so disappointed in myself!

Since last week Tuesday I have lost 5.2lbs (weighed in at 208.8 this morning).

I wanted to start exercising with Bob a and Jillian and discovered our turkey broke the blue ray player web use to watch dvds. It made me super sad! So that is waiting a bit longer.

I have more I want to say. But I will save it for Wednesday!

Facebook

I am taking a break from Facebook. The amount of friends that are pregnant and announcing is just in my face and sometimes you have to take yourself out of the situations to make sure your heart doesn't become bitter and mean.

To make sure that jealousy doesn't take hold. And you come out okay still leaning on God. Definitely need to make a habit of free time leading to Christ's book and not facebook.

Alas, I need a break. It is uninstalled from my phone and my goal honestly is to make it 2 weeks. Or maybe a month. A Facebook fast. To focus on God. Our family. Our health. School and finances. That's it. Not who is doing what. Or what am I missing out on. Because honestly who cares? I have my fabulous family and if friends care they would call or text. Am I wrong?

I just need a little time to reflect. Read. Write. And just pour my heart out to God without seeing pregnancy after pregnancy or friends hanging out having fun adventures while we struggle. Oiy I don't know.  What I do know is I need to shake this terrible attitude I have. And this snow isn't helping.