Heart issues all around. Between being stuck on the cardiac chapter for school and personal heart (emotional) issues. This has been a tough couple of weeks.
Loss #8 is still hitting me so hard. Having problems shaking the sadness. 8 losses. 8 babies that I know would have been perfect and loved just the way they were. I am so weary from this journey. So tired of excitement followed by pain and loss.
When you add to that conflicting emotions of being happy for others that are pregnant but so sad for you...it makes it tough. Even tougher when both women's due dates fall right around where this last loss was due. Jealousy creeps in mixed with this sadness as much as it grieves me to admit this.
And the sadness is getting harder to hide. A smile is a heavy effort some days. Some days it is hard to find the blessings. And joy.
James and I have talked about putting tanning in the budget just to make me hopefully feel a bit better. This winter is dragging on. And dragging me down.
Just in case anyone is wondering my three month pregnancy and loss track is right back where it was. June/July. Then October then January. So I figure April I am due again. Maybe by then I won't be as fat and the baby will decide to stick around.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I love hearing from my readers, and look forward to your comments. So go ahead...leave me some love!