Weight off His Shoulders...

...but it made me want to shout it from the roof tops! James's swimmers are excellent. Overly excellent. And this is with those poor conditions we dropped them off in. Excellent begins being rated at a 14, James is a 31.2 =D I am one happy wife.

Yet, I talked to the Dr. and she said that losing weight probably won't help me ovulate better. Yet, this doesn't change our position at the moment. Exercise & eating healthy need to become part of our everyday life. ASond I'd like to change that before we bring a little one into this crazy world. Genetics will already be against them with their size, so we need to do our best to have the environmental facts for food & exercise to be healthy.

When the nurse called back to let me know I could go on clomid, this month if I wished, it was so hard to tell her no. That we were going to wait, she assumed we are going to try a little bit longer naturally, but I'm not going to push it with James. No appointments to have sex these next 2 months. We've said November will be our ttc w/clomid time, but we will see if we feel our hearts changed.

Regardless, I still want to foster parent. I want to adopt those little kiddos into our loving homes. We will have a blended family of sorts, adoptive & biological (hopefully! =D)

Personality Crutches

A person in my life lately has been using the "it's who God wants me to be" card. I understand God created all of us to be different spots on the spectrum of personality types. Introverted vs Extroverted, Impulsive vs Thinker, etc. But some times I think people use this as a crutch. It would be like me saying, well God created me to be a little chunky, so I might as well eat another cheeseburger, fry, and chocolate shake. I think this is the wrong thinking. God creates us to adapt I think to how we were created. Maybe it means he made me this way so I could understand hard work via the avenue of losing weight. Maybe God makes another person an impulsive speaker to make them have to learn hard work via the taming of the tongue. I don't know for sure, I'm not the creator. But I'm just saying...sometimes I think people use it as a crutch instead of a spring board to do better with their lives.

What do you think?

Good Feeling...

it is such a good feeling when you connect with someone, someone that knows you pain. That can sympathize fully even if they do not understand 100% what the pain would be like if it is your own. These sorts of people are a blessing.

James and I sat down with a couple today to talk about all things infertility and foster parenting. It was such a blessing. They answered questions I was wondering, and gave me courage & faith to know things will work out. Right now I believe God is working on a child for James and us in the foster system, and for plans for us to conceive. Right now I am still clinging to the hope that both will happen for us.

But, my focus is now going to turn from pain and ttc to trying to get this foster parenting journey started. I think I'm going to do OPKs and have sex whenever it is James feels compelled instead of marking it on the calendar that we need to have an appointment in the bedroom on this this and this day. Bring on the spontaneous married passionate sex, instead of the methodical "lets do it again tonight and hope we are making a baby" sex. Sorry if this is TMI, but I can tell you when TTC often times it feels like work. You have to have sex even when you don't feel compelled at times. It feels too scientific and calculated. Not spontaneous and romantic.

I am excited at the thought of bringing children into our home. I am feeling compelled to finish painting the house. Including the future children's room. I want to make this house nice. We need pictures up. To steam clean the carpets again. We need to clean out the garage. I'm also starting to think about getting our house child safe. Makes my heart smile! I have faith within the next year we will have a child (or children!) in our home. 

Am I crazy for wanting to do this when school will (hopefully) be starting up? I don't think so. We have friends & can find day care if necessary. James with be on first (hopefully) in June. And if I don't get into the program this next spring at least I will have time to get adjusted to our future children (though I would be disappointed...)

Anyways, I am excited. And feeling blessed. Not going to let people that do not understand bring me down! =D

Feeling Full of Thoughts

At the moment I feel so full of thoughts that I feel like my heart could pound out of my chest. I had a busy night at work, at the back of my mind always is still the questioning about James's results (have to wait another week...) & if I will ever get to feel a child move within my womb, and I realized I just am so worn out of trying to be strong on my own that I am so incredibly week and worn down.

Jesus said, where I am weak He is strong. And I fully believe it, yet how is it that I forget it? I poured out to God. In my car, as tears ran down my cheeks, as I sang my heart out to God with worship songs like, "Not Mine Anyway" by JJ Heller, "Savior Please" by Josh Wilson, and "Revelation Song" by Kari Jobe.

My mind is also so pondering foster parenting. It's a scary exciting thing. Scary because I know I am going to love so deeply. So beyond myself that it will be hard to let go if they get called to go live with their biological parents. Yet, I remind myself that is a face a child that I will forever get to pray for. Maybe it will prepare me for when we get to release our children when they are older into the world. It's also so EXCITING because it means that James and I will have a child in our home that we will get to parent and love on as they may have never experienced before. We will get to be Jesus with skin on to these children. Even if they don't know Jesus, and if they don't...they will get to know about Him. =D And hopefully we will leave a lasting footprint on the hearts of these children.

How scary & exciting will it be to get our first phone call that a child is ready to come stay with us? I can't help but think maybe we should paint the nursery into a child's room with the paint that is waiting in the basement. I can't help but think I should hit up garage sales this summer to begin collecting baby and children's things. I can't help but be excited. Yet, I also imagine the fear that will be experienced the first day, the first night, the first week, until a routine is in place and we know each other better.

Sunday we are going to get to talk to a couple that never was able to conceive. She also has PCOS. Did all the fertility treatments without going as far as IVF, they couldn't get her to ovulate. In the end? They have 3 children adopted through the foster system. And they are without a doubt their children. We get to ask questions, find out how the process was for them, and learn so much from an amazing Christian couple. I pray one day we are able to help out a younger couple looking into foster care. Even if it's not because they are struggling with infertility.

Even now I feel compelled to pray for the children that will come our way. That God would protect them. And comfort them. My heart feels so heavy for them that at the moment it is easy to forget about my pain. I opened up our email this morning and in it was the verse from Romans 12:18 "Be happy with those who are happy, weep with those who weep." I am weeping with them. For the loss of parents that they are experiencing. I have been weeping for my loss, but how greater is theirs? And where has my happiness been? With those who have gotten pregnant on my internet thread life, because I have wept with them and cried out in excitement for them!

But what about Laura? Am I not excited for her? I am. Deep inside I am. I know there is a wonderful little niece or nephew that I will love unconditionally. That I will love on. Yet jealousy and past hurts cloud my view. Mostly because she chose not to weep with me when I was weeping. She caused pain, that I am called to forgive. 7 x 70 times that my mind reminds me of the hurt.

It is hard to be excited for others when they haven't been their for your for the bad times. Or when they have been insensitive to the fact that you are still weeping. That your heart feels too far down to smile and find joy. Yet, even in my sadness I can find excitement and joy for those that have been with me. Maybe this is why Jesus went to those that were sick, poor, and lowly in the standards of most. To show them compassion, so they would be more quick to accept him. Because even when he was not the one in the situation he slipped into their shoes and walked in theirs. Because of mercy we can be excited in our pain, especially for those who have showed us they are for us and not against us.

This is where my heart is at the moment. Somewhere between hopeful and grieved. Somewhere between healed and broken. Somewhere between excited and scared. This is where my heart is, and I'm trying to be content with it, and look more fully to God. He is shaping me, don't you know. And probably you as you read this. Here I am my friends, an imperfectly perfect creation of God. A woman that is trying to follow Christ yet gets discouraged by the cracks in the sidewalk at times. A woman that loves to stop and smell the flowers, and extend her hands up to God in thanksgiving. I am broken and beautiful. I am strong, yet so weak.

I'll leave you with a song that I had to wait for over a week before God allowed me to hear it on the radio when I couldn't remember the lyrics or the name of the song. All I could remember was the piano part was beautiful.



Have a lovely day ♥

My Hundreth Post

I feel like I'm an elementary student on the hundredth day of school. Feel like I should post 100 facts or 100 things I'm thankful for...so I think I might try. =)

My List of Thankfulness. 
I'm thankful for...

1. Jesus Christ
2. That He died for my sins.
3. That He has forgotten my sin.
4. That I can experience freedom in Christ.
5. the fact that Jesus was there for me, even when I didn't believe.
6. my life
7. That I should have died in my semi-car accident, and I lived!
8. That my friends survived the crash too.
9. That James can put up with my hormonalness
10. That he tries his best to understand & be there for me in my hurting.
11. the fact that I have 2 babies I will get to see in Heaven.
12. our hot water
13. our home!
14. My best friend Jennifer
15. For my friends that listen to my random ramblings and ventings
16. tissues.
17. the internet that we now have (it's pretty fast!)
18. my job.
19. James's job
20. Jack Jack, he warms my heart.
21. all the storage place we have in our home.
22. Christian radio stations, such as 99.7, 91.3, and 88.1
23. this comfy couch that I'm sitting on
24 the good deal I got on scrubs
25 good doctors in the US
26 health insurance!
27. our cats not needing to be on special diet food also (Jack has allergies...)
28. Mr. Macqueen selling me my first Bible
29. "Wild at Heart" it helped me understand James
30. "Power of a Praying Wife" It gave me WONDERFUL things to pray about
31. the power of prayer
32. the ability to read
33. the ability to write
34. the ability to see
35. the ability to smell
37. the ability to love unconditionally
38. little love letters from James
39. residents that tell me what a good CNA I am. They make me smile.
40. my smile.
41. the ability to smile through pain
42. the ability to cling to God even through pain
43. the washing machine mom gave us!
44. Our cars
45. the fact that our little white car is still kicking it, long after it was supposed to die.
46. my new tennis shoes!
47...the fact that because of them my back hurts less
48. for the thread I talk to other women about ttc post loss.
49. some of the amazing blogs that I get to read!
50. that I'm half way through this list.
51. our vacuum that does a wonderful job cleaning up Jack Jack hair.
52. the ability to walk!
53. my family *as crazy as they are*
54. the wonderful smell of my new lemon vanilla body spray *though sad to find out Bath & Body discontinued it...*
55. the fact that twisted peppermint is a seasonal scent that I can replenish my supply every year.
56. the fact that I'm Christ's Bride.
57. That Christ knows the children James & I will have.
58. that we are faithfully going through with foster parenting.
59. that my nephew only has to wear his cast for broken femur for 4 weeks.
60. that even though I struggle with forgiveness at times, God still helps me to forgive the ones that I don't want to forgive.
61. that God has provided for me.
62. that God teaches people
63. ...especially thankful for when he allows me to see spiritual growth & maturity in people that have caused me hurt.
64. the ability to go to school
65. soft blankets
66. the smell of fresh cut grass
67. being able to live in the country
68. the smell of beautiful flowers
69. how cute all little babies are, be it human or other animal
70. knowledge
71. wisdom
72. compassion
73. words of kindness
74. BATHS!
75. running water
76. toilets, the fact that I don't have to dig a hole to go poo.
77. roller coaster rides...love the adrenaline it gives!
78. ice cream on a hot summer day
79. ice!
80. clean drinking water
81. our fridge, stove, and microwave.
82. God giving me the ability to play the clarinet
83. the love of music that lifts up my soul.
84. nap time!
85. online banking
86.time with friends
87. our church
88. the joy that little children carry with them (how much they make my heart smile)
89. How Hannah used to say, Grapes "gwapes"
90. the ability to keep my mouth shut when I am fuming with anger & bitterness.
91. our Bibles! How we can learn so much about God through them
92. Breezy summer days.
93. How beautiful snowflakes are.
94. Swings in the park
95. being able to be simplistically enthralled by life.
96. for electricity
97. for gas stations
98. for grocery stores.
99. My husband that is an amazing provider & lover of my heart, soul, mind & body!
100. the thought that we will one day have children together. That he is the one that brought up foster parenting.

I am thankful, and trying to remind myself of it. There are times I still feel afflicted and angered by other people's words. I'm thankful for this as an outlet. I'm thankful for friends that apologize. And for being able to apologize.

I am thankful for a comfy bed, that I am now going to snuggle into because I am tired. Nap time!
♥ Jessica

The Storm of Emotions has Passed

After my storm of crazy emotions I cried for awhile, got in a tiff with James, and then took a relaxing bath. Texted a friend, she gave me kind works and encouragement. Said it will feel like days I can't get through, but I will. And she is right. I will make it.

Seeing that pink spotting shame me every month is so hard. I cannot imagine going through this in ancient times. Now we have medicine mixed with prayer. Where at least you can have answers to help you focus your prayers. And I know we are not looked down upon by God through this infertility problem. We can adopt, back then you couldn't. Well sort of, but by your husband taking on another wife. I am too jealous to even begin to fathom what that would have been like. I would be crushed all the time, and probably would actually start to grow snakes out of my head due to my medusa like stare I'd give the other woman! haha

Anyways, After relaxing I looked deeper into foster parenting. At the kids that are ready for adoption now. So many are older. I think when James and I are older we will adopt an older child, but for now I think the age gap would be a little too close. I saw a few little cuties that tugged on my heart strings. One of them was Jacob. Isn't he adorable?

Because James works 2nd shift we have to do a 1 on 1 training to become foster parents because nothing is offered in the morning or on the weekends (and truly James doesn't want to give up one of his last 4 vacation days...). Hopefully this will be soon! We are going to get a packet in the mail to look over, then have to call and set up appointment with the lady at DHS. We were going to go through fcsource in Battle Creek. But decided Charlotte is a lot closer to home. ANYWAYS, I asked the lady how long the process would be, and how soon after licensing did families get children. It's 12-16 weeks to finish the course & get licensed. After that most families get a call within the first week for a child to be placed in their home.

One thing, no guarantees if we can adopt whatever child God brings us. But I think it will be good. No matter how hard it will be to say good bye if one ends up going home to his or her parents, it will be worth it. At least I will have a little face to pray for. To feel what it likes to be a mom for awhile =D *Even though via baby-sitting I pretty much am sure I already now...*

I'm glad I weathered the storm and feel a little better through the healing of tears. As for now, a nap is needed!
♥ Jess

Seething Anger

I feel like Medusa. Like I should have snakes coming out of my head, and filled with an angered rage. I can't shake it. I can bite off heads, and seethe anger like no ones business. And most of all I hate it, yet I can't shake it.

I'm frustrated that they changed worship weekend because people wanted cabins (honestly what's the point to camp if you sit in a cabin? Everyone that used them last year complained because they were hot!). So now I can't go. And I want to be a bitch and tell James no too. I'm sick of him being able to go do things while I can't because I have to freaking work. I want to sit around the campfire singing songs. I NEED it. I need it. I need a get away with Christians that will understand and love me. I need a weekend away where people won't talk about babies. 

I'm still annoyed with Laura. She called yesterday and told James she never told me to "Get angry and get over it" Blamed it on Darcy. Said she said it. Wrong, Darcy just never said anything when I told her about the miscarriages. Then they were the only friends that didn't say anything that actually apologized for not being there. The other two that said nothing, still have said nothing. Laura said it, and then acted as if nothing ever happened. Then she tells James she wants to apologize. I'm sorry I feel as if someone wants to apologize I shouldn't have to call to get the apology. But, I texted her giving her the opening. NOTHING. NOTHING! My favorite thing that she said when James told her what she said, "Why would she want to come see me if I said that?" Because that's what Christians do. Forgive and then forgive again. Even when the person doesn't know they have hurt you. Sadly, it brings it back to the surface when the hurt is brought up again. Especially by the person letting you know they are pregnant....and here could come a vent again. A big vent. I'm resisting though. I'm tired of it all. Let's be honest, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of insensitive people. Tired of selfish people. I'm tired. Just plain tired.

And I'm cranky. Hormonal. And sick of getting my hopes let down month after month. Maybe I'm sick of hope at this point. I'm sick of crushed dreams. I'm sick of feeling sick & tired. I'm hurting. Broken, and desperate for once something to come easy. Something to happen for me that I want so desperately bad. I realize my past has shaped me. I get it, I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. Yet, I am so broken and low at the moment. My heart is crying out to you Lord, will you leave me broken, desolate, and hurting much longer? I said I'd go down this road to follow you, to let you move. I know I did. I said it's okay if you need to use me for this journey. But I feel like Israel wondering through the desert to get the promised land. How much longer will I be left feeling hopeless? Raise me up Lord. Fix my ovaries to produce eggs worthy of getting pregnant. Fix my heart. I'm broken and in need of your holy spirit to fill me up. I have nothing left in me. I'm hurting. I need your undying love to set me free.

Jess

Let's Be Honest.

I think I have a heart problem. One that makes me want to talk less to God, and vent more to others. I am overwhelmed still. I know I need to work on forgiveness, yet somehow I still manage to cling to my emotions that say it's ok to feel the way I feel. Even though I know it's ok to be upset and forgive at the same time. Does this make sense? Do you follow me? Maybe this is another random ramble that I used to do so often in my late teen years...

While I'm being honest, I have to say, remember those songs I listened to when miscarrying and throughout that time? Now whenever I hear them I have fear that I'm going to have to experience those emotions and hurts all over again. I fear that if I hear them and later get a positive test that it will mean I am going to miscarry. I have been able to put aside all other superstitions, yet somehow this manages to not leave me!

I'm lacking in reading my Bible. I feel far from God. I've told Him how upset I am, yet I do not want to listen to his reply. I don't want to hear whatever it is He may be trying to tell me. How sad is that? I am holding onto anger/bitterness, I am afraid, and I'm missing God. I know these things, yet I do nothing. NOTHING. I'm pathetic at the moment. I think I'm a bad cope-er =( Things will get better, I need time. At least this is what I tell myself.

As for TTC, I am 12 dpo and no spotting so far. Last time this happened I was pregnant, but not holding my breath due to low progesterone levels. You have no clue (unless you have been through it) what a roller coaster it is TTC after miscarriage. Or TTC with fertility issues. 2 more days and AF should be here. 3 if I ovulated later than I think.

James and I talked and we have a new (tentative) TTC plan. We are going to keep trying naturally, while focusing on getting healthier (via exercise & eating healthier, AND reading our Bible & praying together), until November. In November if we still haven't gotten pregnant with a sticky bean we will try clomid for up to 6 months. During this time we plan on completing Foster Care to Adopt paperwork. We are thinking a little one up to 4 years old would be perfect for us. =) *also, why tentative you may ask? We are leaving room for God to move or change our hearts!

Initially James and I planned on stopping ttc during a few months so I wouldn't be a pregnancy blimp or break my water near Jenny's wedding. But, we have decided that God will take care of it. If I am close to popping near her wedding, I have faith God will at very least allow me to see the ceremony =) AND if I know I'm that close I will just have to write out my speech to be read to her. See I'm a planner.

And right now I'm planning on going to bed. James & Jack Jack are ready for sleep they say.

♥ Jess

)= Feeling ridiculously cranky & moody in general

I can tell you, I can vent with the best of them. I can spew venom like a christian isn't supposed to. And I know these things are NOT good for me, my heart, or my relationship with God. Yet, I cannot express how hard it is to know that others are getting pregnant while I am getting bad news back about ovulation. A problem my husband doesn't want me to go on medicine for because of potential side effects.

It makes me want to scream. It makes me furious at times when people that have been pregnant before do not know you cannot take ibuprofen when pregnant, and thus should avoid when TTC. Hello? Make a connection. When trying to get pregnant you need to treat your body as you are pregnant. Watch what fish you eat, stop drinking, at the very least from ovulation on, don't smoke, try to eat healthier, take prenatals, the list goes on! When people don't do this it drives me insane!

I have been bad, such an emotional eater yesterday. Belly was fullest it has been in probably about a year. And it was constantly full. I couldn't help from shoving food into my face. Popcorn, Zehnder's chicken, lunch @ tony's, more popcorn, did I mention one of those Tostino's pizza things? I was disgusting yesterday. So much so that my sister thought I was pregnant. NEGATIVE.

I have two negative tests to prove it. And thinking that I am about done testing for this cycle because I am starting to get my usual cramps. And I got information from the Dr. I don't ovulate good eggs! YAY... =*( I could scream! I figured it probably was going to show such. So I should focus on feeling blessed that my prolactin and TSH are normal. (but I'm not feeling it as such at the moment).

James is out mowing the lawn and having issues with lawn mower not wanting to keep going. We are borrowing it. It seems everything breaks down when we borrow, so if we ask to borrow something of yours I won't be offended if you say no. *sigh* I can hear him going again though, so it means he fixed it. Which is one thing I love about my husband, he can usually figure out what is wrong and fix it. And if he can't fix it, we have handy friends and family that can.

You know what else is sad? I had a good vacation, in spite of sister in law's (normal) unruly mood swings, until yesterday. I could spew venom here, but I won't. I will keep that for close friends that won't judge, and love me regardless. Yet, what I was going to say is...I feel more exhausted now that before the vacation. not at all revived or rejuvenated. I want a weekend with James. and that's not for another 4.5 weeks.

I made phone calls this morning to Sparrow Lab, My Dr, and the Foster Care specialist. I did good with 1/3. I at least got my levels for my labs. Called Dr. Talked to nurse and she told me 2 were normal, and that she needed to double check with my Dr about our plan of action for poor/lack of ovulation. They said James's SA probably won't be back for a week (!What? Seriously? Must mean it was good, because they said they wouldn't run it if it was bad simply because of the poor instruction we were given!) Plus now I also get to wait for foster care lady to call back. When I am feeling incredibly impatient and cranky.

Grrrr....

A Weekend Full of Sales & Emotions

Our weekend away was pretty nice, though I still crave for some alone time with my husband. For us to just be together, without business or hub bub. But outside of our home where dishes, the lawn, laundry, video games, and the internet crave our attention.

Saturday I had envisioned leaving at 930 in the morning to head out to birch run, get the shopping done. Scoot over to Frankenmuth for lunch, go to the popcorn store & walk around that little plaza, then go to this little mom & pop type zoo. Reality: being the first one to shower even though i was the last to get up, eating breakfast at 930, leaving at 11 after many grouchy outbreaks from sister-in-law, experiencing crabbiness while shopping from sis-in-law and nephew. And then quickly running to frankenmuth to get popcorn and bring home Zehnders to eat at home.

Should I complain? Probably not. It has been nice seeing Gaugers. Teaching him the Tiny Tim Turtle song. And I got some amazing deals on scrubs, some yummy milano cookies, things from bath and body works, yankee candles, and tennis shoes. I plan on posting pictures from the weekend when home.

Saturday after our busy shopping day James and I napped, then Laura, James, and I stayed up watching Law & Order. After Laura went to bed James and I played Tetris together. At one point he beat me and I don't know if I was exceedingly tired (yet unaware) or just hormonal. I cried and laughed at the same time as he beat me for the 5th time in a row. James went to bed at 230, I stayed up til 330 surfing the net. Imagining getting a positive pregnancy test soon. And went to bed hopeful.

When I woke up, disheveled and a little cranky from six hours of sleep. I was bombarded with news I wasn't ready to hear. Someone is pregnant, and it's not me. Someone got an early pregnancy test seven days before her expected period. Here I am at 9dpo and haven't tested, and 7 days before AF is supposed to come. I said congrats, even though I'm sure my face did not show it. In shock, 10 months of us trying and 2 miscarriages later...here we are. 2 months of trying and there she is.

I want to scream, IT'S NOT FAIR! To shout out things that are not nice but still roaming in my head. Yet, I know that a being is being created. A little one that I will love. But at the moment I am jealous and full of envy. Yet I hear a voice in me saying do not covet what others have. Do not be jealous. Do not envy. Do not be bitter. Yet, small (ok big) parts of me are.

And to top it off, she called me out on it. I am glad they told me, yet not in the delivery. I'm glad it wasn't on facebook. Yet, I'm not so glad that it was on our "relaxing" weekend away. When I'd already had to deal with crankiness, running late, and things not going as planned.

I so wish to be pregnant, so much that I know I cling to every "symptom" Yet, this month I've been trying to ignore. To not make note other than mentally when I have sharp cramps for one day. Or that I have been emotional. Because honestly, I've been let down 10 months in a row. Even when I got excited upon seeing the + test.

UGH, I'm ready to go home.
♥ Jess

Expedition: "Man Juice"

"Man Juice" this is what my husband decided to name his sperm in the cup today. But more importantly is the story of delivery. Oh boy. We left the house 10 minute late, we were on an hour and a half time frame. I left my Bible, camera charger, and diet vernors at home *boo* And there was no time to turn around As for the hour and a half time frame, 90 minutes. Wrong. I got to the lab about 15 minutes before our expected time frame was up. Then I get into the place to drop it off, and she tells me the time frame is an hour. And needs to be stored between 98 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Both things the man told me wrong when I called to confirm. I spoke to an idiot, and like an idiot assumed he would be full of knowledge. I should have googled like I normally would have.

So now James may have to do a replay of his "Man Juice" which he is NOT happy about. And I do not blame him. I will be pissed if we have to repeat and be charged again. I will probably try to fight it *sigh*

♥ Jessica

Late Night Thoughts on Infertility

I wanted to share a few links and a few thoughts.

First of all I finally got the chance to listen to Focus on the Family’s radio broadcast on infertility. It is split into 2 broadcasts. I highly recommend them, both for those trying to understand infertility (how it affects women), and those struggling through the murky waters.

Here are the links

1^st broadcast

2^nd broadcast

A few times listening tears were brought to my eyes. Can you imagine six miscarriages? I’ve had two. Two of my babies are in heaven. And it is still a little difficult for me to comprehend how four more losses would shape me. At one moment a woman said she had to understand that maybe God placed her on this road of infertility to shape her into the woman He wants her to be. God is that why I am here? Because I tell you, I will follow you. I will allow you to lead me, even down that bumpy road. And it is hard to say at times, but I will follow you Lord.

Imagine your life, if you are a mom, without your children. Or imagine your dreams…being crushed by the Dr saying that you are infertile. It’s painful isn’t it? Try living it. Because when you lose a pregnancy, you lose all of those dreams you have with that child. It is so hard. I have a group of ladies that I talk to on a thread. And this week out of the nine women that are on it we have had two big news hit us. Exciting news, because one woman that had faced miscarriage is now pregnant! I am so excited for her. But, there was a low blow for another woman. She found out her husband has low motility and low count. A 2% chance of getting pregnant. Combined with her ovulation problems. My heart goes out to her.

It strikes me because within the next few days we will find out the results of James’s test. And with my body being jacked up already, I too could find myself in her position…even with our two miscarriages. I know I will not blame James because he does not blame me. He loves me, unconditionally. And we know we can adopt…and in spite of my crazy dream that I have had about getting pregnant after adoption. Adoption does NOT increase the chance of pregnancy. When you have medical issues relaxing probably will not help you to conceive.

Sorry if I am babbling. I am pretty tired at the moment. Have more things to pack in the morning. And have a very important appointment with a cup, and the man I love (haha! Glad I can joke on here about it, because James is SO not okay with it at the moment).

And on this tiredness. I know it is 3am. But I slept seven and a half hours, and I am used to being up at this time. So why am I tired? Trying to keep my hopes not too high, because the higher you allow it to get, the lower they fall later. And the more it hurts.

So, I’m going to stay positive. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t…maybe it will maybe it won’t. If I get angry with God, He can take my honesty. If I cling to God, it’s ok because He is a strong God. And I have to say, I know in my heart I’m a mom already. Even before I had children I had a motherly heart. Yet, I also have this deep feeling that I will be a mommy here on Earth some way, some how. Even though that path is a mystery to me, God knows!

Also I want to tell you something that warms my heart, and gives a deep thankfulness for being able to watch children grow up. There is a young lady at our church, she is in sixth grade. After I spoke at church on my miscarriages and yearning to be a mom, she came up to me, looking quite sad, and said, “Jessica, I’m sorry you’ve been through that. I really hope God gives you a baby.” A sixth grader! The only other women that came up to me after service were the ones that helped me through the hard times, or had experienced infertility in their lives. God is going to use that little lady. I believe it; He is going to shape her. And mold her. And already is. I am thankful for her. Just as thankful as I am for the women of that day that acknowledged my pain and shared their stories.

I will look up the link for that Sunday and see if it is posted, then share it with you if it is.

But, for now, with small tears of thankfulness, joy, sadness, and hope flowing down my cheeks I say, good night. Have a blessed day! And I hope you find peace in whatever struggle you are facing today.

♥ Jess

6dpo & weekend away.

Today I am 6dpo in my attempt-to-not-obsess-about-pregnancy-"symptoms" I shouldn't tell you I slept so much today and can't help but wonder if it's truly 3rd shift, or if it is hormones. Or that my nips are feeling sensitive and I'm trying to avoid thinking about it. Or how about the fact that James's SA is tomorrow and early next week we will have test results that will either say nay, or yay to going on clomid.

Which btw we are still in debate about. If we need to go on it, it might wait for when I am done for school. But James still wants to avoid 100% so we'll see. We are praying for God's guidance (though not as often as we should).

Lately I've been slacking on reading my Bible again. How is it that I can fall so desperately in love with God and His Word then fall out of habit? Am I like Israel in the Bible grieving him for falling away? I desperately crave not to be...but I know often I fail to be a Christian woman that reads her Bible *sigh* I will get better. This is a journey of my life, a crazy bumpy road that I get to endure!

Have I mentioned our weekend away? Because I am so excited! It is going to help keep my mind of testing until the earliest that I can or should test. And even then I might try to wait to test until a day or so before AF is supposed to appear. I am hoping next week will bring lots of excitement as we pursue Adoption via foster parenting (and maybe a + preg test, that would be WONDERFUL!). Have I also mentioned we are going to go forth with adoption even if I do get pregnant? It's crazy to me to think that we could turn from a family of 2 to a family of 4 quite quickly. It brings tears to my eyes at times to think about our child that God already knows about that will be joining our arms first. I'm ready to pick a little infant up from the hospital. So ready! Now to wait for God's perfect timing whether it's 2 months or 9 months or even longer. I just feel this wonderfully intimidating feeling...to be at peace with what God has prompted us to go forth with!

Makes me want to jump for joy, yet also hide. Does that make sense? I think it's like the veil that Moses had to wear after seeing God. Or how afraid Israel was to face him...and it's not because we are messing up, it's because James and I both feel at peace. I feel excited, and a little anxious. Because I've never felt this comfortable with something before. Especially something this big and important, as giving a child a life of good parenting and loving support that otherwise he or she may not have.

Ok and now for motivation, first load of laundry is in. I need to shower, vacuum, pack, clean kitchen, and have everything ready for us to leave in the morning! Busy day tomorrow...and OH SO EXCITED!

Back On!

Kind of. We have the internet again! YAY, sad note though...I'm using it with laptop propped up on our water softener because we haven't gotten our wireless router yet. (Boo...!) Oh well, in a few days I will be back. Lets say Monday for sure! Excited to be able to soon post again whenever my heart desires without having to write it up or type it up with the date and time. Because then I find myself editing what my heart was feeling at that moment because my mood is different.

Hope everything is well with everyone, Have a blessed Day!
♥ Jess
P.S. Did I mention I'm excited?

Writing to Stay Awake

I was talking to a co-worker tonight that had a D&C at 12 or 13 weeks. She would have been 27 weeks. So, it made me wonder how far along I should be. Calculating on this tired brain isn't working so my educated guess would be 24 weeks or 30ish. I want a round belly from pregnancy. I miss my babies I never got to meet.

I'm feeling crampy in ovaries as we speak. Kind of assuming cysts, but who knows. Blah.

I'm sleepy and have 2 1/2 more hours left. And no more breaks. Contemplating buying a game on phone. Or moving near the hallway so I can ready my Bible. I think reading is a better choice. So Jeremiah here I come.

I was skimming through genesis yesterday. When I stopped at the story of Sarah. My Bible pointed out Isaac means "He laughs" maybe isaac is a better name for our first child. Because we both burst out into laughter that night. :-)

To my babies: I love you and miss you terribly. I know you are in wonderful hands, yet y womb and arms ache to hold you. I wish I could see you. your tiny fingers, toes, feet, nose, ears, belly button, every little thing about you! TO know if you both are boys or girls. I wish I could name you, knowing for sure your sex. I wish I could feel you grow and move inside my belly. To nurse you, change your poopy diapers. Be sleep deprived from staying up late with you. Be exhausted after delivery, I love you. And miss you. And wish I could have experienced all of these things with you. ♥ Mommy

Yet, as for now, I am content in the present. With occasional wishful wanting and yearning. I am keeping focused on the fact that God has blessed me with James, and house, and a good job. The rest will fall into place in His timing!

♥ Jess
Written May 14, 2001 @ 4AM

Update: I just looked it up, I would be 31 weeks today. and 23-25 with second (not sure because of miscarriage right before it...) Imagine how round my belly would be. James talking to our child. Makes my heart a little sad to think about, but so happy with the thought of the future possibilities!

Writings from Work

Here I sit at work, one on one, with a resident on "suicide watch." Oh boy...on 3rd with only the light of the TV in the room, as I don't want to wake his annoying butt up! lol

Update on my life? Well we are getting the net back Tuesday. Being disconnected has helped me step back I think. I'm going to have to set tie limits for the internet, to help be more intentional with my day.

This cycle has been wonderful. I've skipped temping. Only been watching cervical fluid and using opks. Very relaxed, and hopeful. Looking forward to test results next week. And for this coming weekend away from home.

James and I are on the fence about clomid. God has placed foster parenting on our hearts. James must be thinking lots of kids, because he told me we could turn the garage into more bedrooms and build a new garage. I had a dream we had 4 kids, 2 adoptive & 2 biological. We talked to our kids about adopting more, and they were excited. 36 hours later we got a phone call for a child, we accepted. Then a week later we got a positive pregnancy test. SIX, read that, 6 kids! Holy Busy dream! I woke up thinking, if we are going to have six, might as well go for 7 for tax purposes LOL

Ithink we may still sign up for classes on foster parenting (pending school doesn't interfere) this summer. Even if I do get pregnant. My prayers are for God to lead us and bless us.


As for this month, I got a positive OPK friday evening. And I ovulated a day early! Hoping this is a good sign! Hoping for a sticky bean, but not going to read into symptoms too much. And going to wait til at least 9dpo before I test. Maybe even til 10, 11, 12, or maybe I'll even wait til AF does (or doesn't show).



The man is snoring and the TV is making me laugh. This chair is giving me butt lock. My neck hurts from looking up @ the TV. So I'm going to assume slouching position. Watch TV and struggle to stay awake.

Jess
Written May 14, 2001 @ 235 AM

Blessed

I have to tell you how Blessed I am to have a church that listens to ideas, and allows you to be part of them. On Mother’s Day I wanted to some how allow all women to be part of it. I believe as women we all have that nurturing heart (ok, the majority). The heart that played with baby dolls and played house as a child. We all crave to be a mom in some little spot of our hearts. Yet, life happens, and it doesn’t always happen the way we wish it would.

There are single women that assumed they would get married and have children of their own. Are they not to celebrate Mother’s Day? Are they to be left out? Are we supposed to allow their hearts to ache? NO, these women are spiritual mothers. Do they not pray for their nieces and nephews? Do they not pray for their friend’s children? Do they not get asked advice on parenting when parents are going crazy? Hello, wake up! They are mothers too, mothers who have not labored. Mothers whose hearts might be crying out because they want children of their own, a husband, and all that goes with that. Isaiah 54: says 

"“Sing, barren woman,
   you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
   you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
   than of her who has a husband,”
            says the LORD. ”

What about the couple facing infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss from a failed adoption. Are they not parents? Do they not cry out for their loss? Are they not trying for children? Have they not prayed for their children? Do they not pray for yours? Do not belittle them by not allowing the married woman without children to not feel as if she is not a mother. Her heart cries out to be a mother, her HEART. It doesn’t matter what the world says, if a person’s heart wants to be a mother, is she not motherly? Does she not mother other children’s babies?  Does she not have children in heaven from miscarriage or stillbirth?

At church on Sunday we had a panel of four women speak on this topic. Mothers. Spiritual Mothers, Mothers facing loss, Traditional Mothers, and Grand Mothers.

It was an amazing experience. The welcome arms that I felt after telling my story, the tears that I saw fall from women’s cheeks. The healing that I think took place. I think God moved. But, my heart cries out in pray for a couple I saw rush out of the church soon after I started talking. I know their pain, even if I do not know their exact pain. I hope they come back to church, and I get a chance to befriend them. Until that day, my prayers are for them. That God will work miracles, that they will be healed, that they will have a child of their own. Bless them Lord, if by your will open her womb or allow a smooth adoption process. May your will be done. Both for them and for James and I.

And the stories that I was told about infertility and miscarriage. Why is this such a taboo topic? Why do we as women suffer in silence? Before this weekend I knew of three other women besides myself at the church that had experienced infertility or miscarriage. After this weekend I was made aware of at least five more women that had to walk the rocky road. And how many had hurtful things said to them FROM FAMILY. From CHRISTIANS. Open your hearts, think before you speak, this is what I implore you to do. If you have said hurtful things unintentionally, I hope God makes you aware of them so you can apologize to the one hurting.

And can I tell you something that truly made me burst from the brim inside? A woman in our church, a dear friend that in the past had a miscarriage and suffered alone, one that I thought for sure wouldn’t think it was a good idea me telling our congregation (Simply for the fact that now people know we are trying, and months of trying with people asking can become very tiresome). She came up to me afterwards, tears drying up in her eyes, and told me I did good, that she was proud of me. It felt SO good. It built me up, gave me more courage. If you don’t give friends complements, do so. Because if you are not building them up, you are tearing them down. And this weekend, I was built up.

Another thing that truly warmed my heart? James’s reaction. After telling me that I would be the one crying in front of every one, I did good. God gave me the peace, courage, and strength to get through with only a few speckles of tears. James on the other hand, I think he experienced some healing. Healing in the form of tears. I saw them start to flow, I tried winking at him, our secret sign that means, “I love you, it will be okay.” Then he disappeared for awhile. To pull himself together. I love that my husband shows emotion, even if he hates it. He is an amazing man, a thoughtful friend, and so much more. He is going to make an amazing father. I know this in my heart.

With this long reflection, I will let you go. I have to tell you, it is amazing to think about all the more people praying for us. Thank you God! Thank you friends! Thank you blog followers! Thank you for your prayers, and support. Even if you are lurking amongst the pages of this blog anonymously, thank you for your prayers. Yet, know that even the anonymous can leave comments of encouragement or thoughts on topics.

Love all of you, have a blessed week!

♥ Jess

 Written May 9, 2011 @ 11:58 PM

Welcome in This Place

Lord, I just want to say, THANK YOU for the sunshine. For the birds that are singing, for our house, my husband. Our pets, and most of all for you undying love for me. Thank you for giving up your Son to die for my sins, and thank you for forgetting them, even when I continually mess up. God, you are welcome in this place. Wrap your presence in every room, every nook & cranny. Find the smallest spots and still be there. In the wide open space outside, in the dandelions in our yard, the rose bushes that I’m not so sure are still alive. You are welcome in this place God, any time, any day. When I feel sad and alone, when I feel a spring in my step. When I am having a tough day, or running through fields of laughter.

James and I need you. We need your love, your unceasing determination, your healing touch. We need YOU. And we thank you for all that was, and is, and is to come. Thank you for writing our love story, for bringing us together, and for the broken past paths that brought us together. Thank you God, you are my King, my Lord, my Salvation, my Healer, my Father. My FATHER. Do you know how good that feels to say? You’re my Dad. And you never mess up. You know what is best for me, and you never let me down. Even when I think that the situation is dire, you are there reminding me of your promises and your truth.

Thank you for Your Word. For the stories that you prompted the people to write down. For keeping the Bible safe so we can have it in today’s sinful world. Thank you for not acting out with utter anger like you did in the old times, because I know if you were there would be more than earthquakes, tornadoes, and tsunamis. These are “natural disasters” no floods that cover the whole world, no turning cities into ash, you know what I mean Lord. Thank you for your Mercy! And your Grace!

Thank you for the Holy spirit, for our consciences. Thank you for giving us the ability to pray to make the right decision, and for the small (and sometimes BIG) voice that answers. Thank you for giving me words to speak, help me when I do not know what to say, or want not to say what I know I should. You are a Big God. My Big God, a God that can tell the mountains to tremble, or the rocks to cry out. A God that gives and takes away. A God that provides and guides. Not any normal God, a God that sent his Son to die on a cross for my freedom from sin. From DEATH. You saved me God. You have saved me, and you will keep on saving me. Thank you. And for all of this I want to say, You are Welcome in This Place. In my heart, in my head, in our house, in my car, in our animals, in our yard, to space and beyond, You are Welcome! Love You! And thank you!

♥ Jess

Written May 9, 2011 @ 11:30 AM

Happy Mother's Day!!

Well happy mother's day to all momma's out there. Spiritual Mommies. Mommies facing infertility or loss. And of course the stereotypical moms! I'm super sleepy, so don't mind the short post.

Truly, I promise I will write more when I am not sleep deprived and have the internet at home again. As for that lovely 30 day blog challenge. I'm putting it on hold. Maybe June will be a better month...*sigh* Sorry if I got you all sorts of excited!

I will probably write more on this later, and maybe post a clip to the audio link, but I spoke in church this morning with a panel of 3 other women depicting the different types of mommies. It was good. I got choked up once, but God truly pulled me through and gave me peace. I saw a women run out after I began speaking, I do not know her name. But, can you be praying for her? God has placed her on my heart, I don't know exactly what she's been through but I know her pain.

Love you all, and God blessed!
♥ Jess

Not Questioning

Ok so I went to the Dr today to get my blood pressure check, it’s good now by the way in case you are curious. 114/70 thank you very much! Sometimes bodies just need a little help to work the way they are supposed to. Anyways, when at the Drs there were at least five pregnant women, at an ob/gyn I know, go figure! And I realized that is truly what I crave. The moments of questioning and doubting…I do not think they are from God. When I saw the ladies with the round bellies and thought about it, I immediately texted James, “There are so many pregnant ladies here, I cannot wait to be one of them!” I know it will all be worth it in the end. J

Update on reading my Bible…I’m currently jumping back and forth between Jeremiah and Romans. I slacked off yesterday and didn’t read. But I’m making up for it. Today I’ve read four chapters thus far. I am hoping to have some down time at work to read too. We’ll see! I did wake up earlier than intended though, I woke up at 530! That’s like a normal person not having to be to work til 9 and waking up at 430 in the morning. Cuckoo cachu! I am one crazy lady, that is for sure. I think I may need to go pack my lunch, and take a little snooze before work.

Love & God Bless

~ Jess

Written: May 6, 2011 @ 9:00 PM

Questioning

So I’m starting to think about money and how much children cost. And the fact that I’ll be in school. Am I crazy? Maybe. Definitely. Definitely, maybe…I don’t know. I need to pray more about this. I feel a little crazy thinking about going on clomid to conceive when I’m only 23. Only 23, wow, some days I feel old, but today I feel young. A young mom? I’m not that young to be a mom. Then why do I feel too young to take clomid? What is this internal fight I have going on?

Lately I’ve noticed James looking at little kids more, with a look on his face that tugs at my heart. I cannot wait for him to be a dad. He is going to be great. Then tell me, why am I doubting at the moment about moving forward? Is it you God? Should we wait? I don’t know what to do. My heart yearns for a child of our own so badly. Yet my enemy, doubt, keeps creeping in. Making me wonder, is this really part of your plan? This struggle was it for me to realize you are saying be still, wait a few years? Or is this doubt creeping in because Satan wants to mess up your plans as having us be parents? I don’t know. If you are reading this, please pray for me. I am quite baffled about what to do at the moment. And James thinks at times I say these questionings simply because I think he doesn’t want kids. This is false. I see it on his face. This is not why I question what we are supposed to be doing, I question because my heart fears so many different things. Fear, another great enemy of mine…

Do I think I can do nursing school while having a very small child? Yes! I have loving family and friends that will step in for me if I need them to, be it for sleep, when I have class, when I need to study, etc. And with the prospect of James being on first next summer, it means good & bad things. If in class, I’d have the same schedule as him, except I’d have to work at least part time on third. If I wasn’t in class we could do day care and I could flip my sleep schedule around so I could be awake to see my baby and my husband. That settles the time. Now what about money? James and I both have good jobs, so why does this add questioning? I think it’s the thought of having another to support. Of diapers, formula, and daycare costs. Oh wait, I want to use disposable diapers (you may think I’m crazy, but I truly want to try it!) and pump my milk, and find a reasonably cheap, but quality daycare. So those are moot thoughts. Money, maybe it’s thinking about how we have 2 car loans at the moment (one should be paid off in June), 4 student loan bills (only paying on 2 because I am in class…), and a mortgage now. In reality, I need to just accept the fact that our student loans will be with us for awhile. And Dave Ramsey says a house loan is ok, as long as 20 years. We got a 30. So now the goal is to pay a few extra house payments a year (once I am done w/school and have an even better job!) to pay it off sooner. So check, check, check. But what about medical bills? And heating costs in the winter? What about the doors, roof, and windows that need to be replaced? Life is going to happen. Medical bills can be paid as slowly as necessary, we are going to try cutting heating costs this winter by *hopefully* adding a pellet stove or a propane furnace, and doors, roof, and windows? They can be done eventually…if we have to take out a loan, so be it. I want to be debt free but there will be a day for that.

I’m sure I am obsessing and worrying and doubting and and and! About nothing. God has it figured out. Now would someone let my brain & heart know this?  How do I stop doubting and stop being afraid. Joshua 1:9 says, “Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And Romans talks about how the faithless anger God less than the unfaithful. I have faith, therefore I’m not faithless. But am I unfaithful? I doubt. I question. I fear. I know all believers do these things, yet what if in this I am angering or grieving God? I don’t want to go down that road!

I want to be on the road HE wants me on, to follow the path HE wants me to follow. Regardless of how bumpy, dark, or narrow it is. Help me Lord, guide my path, make sure my footing falls on steady ground, and continue to be my lighthouse in the darkness, my strong tower when I am weak. I need you! More than the want of child. More than the want to do nursing school. I need YOU to be my guide, my father, my savior, my lord, my salvation, my redeemer. I need you. And all your many facets of yourself, God. I will run to you. I am running to you, and I have ran to you. In the past, present, and future. You are my king, and I will forever praise & serve you. Now please, make it completely clear to me as the rising of the sun what path James and I are supposed to go down. Clomid & pregnancy achievement now? Or Waiting & yearning for a child of our own? I know you are shaping us God….now let us see the works of your hands upon us! (and please help it to include baby/babies!)

♥ Jess

Written May 5, 2011 @ 3:15PM

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 2

Day 2 - Meaning behind your blog name

Letters From My Heart - I think it's pretty self explanatory =D Sometimes my heart feels like it's swelling with words that need to be said.

http://mylittlenotesonlife.blogspot.com/ is the link because I had it as my name for some odd reason, like first and last name. And I didn't think i needed crazy people to like stalk me ;-)


Sorry for this short ridiculous post, I have to catch up. I've been living in the stone ages without the internet at home! ahhhh!

On that note, how about the meaning of my name? Jessica Nicole - God Beholds, Victory of the People

♥ Jessica

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 1

Day 1 - Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

 Well, my name is Jessica. I am a 23 year old Christian woman journeying through the experiences of miscarriage, challenges getting pregnant, and a challenging life in general. I am truly blessed. These challenges have made me the woman I am today.

1. My birthday is 11/16/1987

2. I have diaries all the way back from when I was in 1st grade.
3. I found Christ in 2006, thanks to a handful of people that pushed me into God's presence (quite unwillingly)
4. I married James August 15, 2009.
5. We have 2 cats, Zoey & Buddy, and 1 dog...our Jack Jack!
6. I want to be a nurse, specifically I want to work with pregnant ladies, those trying to get pregnant, or children. I vow to have compassion and never be that rude nurse that thinks you do not know your own body when telling me facts. And I also promise I will always be patient and kind...and poke at the drs when they are taking their slow a** time.
7. James and I bought our house this year!
8. I have a small addiction to blogging, ttc websites, and facebook....it's pretty bad actually.
9. I just started reading my Bible again, and it feels wonderful!
10. I hope that this year brings a healthier me, and a healthy little one growing in my womb.
11. We will probably become foster parents at some point, I just feel called to spread my love to children, even if they can only be with us for a short time.
12. I work third shift and often am left feeling like a zombie due to lack of sleep.
13. At this present moment I should be sleeping.
14. If you have any questions about TTC or your female reproductive system...I'm your gal to ask questions too, because if I do not know I surely will find out. And tell everyone that will listen about my new information.
15. My favorite pop is Diet Vernors. Yes, I know an old person's drink.

Long Time No Post

Well, the net has been down at home. I’ve desperately wanted to blog, but desperately needed sleep more. Third shift has been getting to me lately, feeling more and more like a Zombie. Need to get back into a routine of staying up when I get home and then sleeping from like 1-9. It’s hard though, because I miss seeing James if I do that. If I sleep 730-1130 then I get to spend the morning with him until he goes to work and then sleep more after he is gone. What I think is getting to me though is the interrupted sleep lately, and to be honestly I don’t think I’ve recouped from lack of sleep Easter weekend. *sigh*

Anyways…I think God broke my internet card to make me realize that I needed to spend more time with Him. This internet-less time has helped me to turn my attention towards Him. How? I’m reading the Bible again! I read 11 chapters my first day. And so far today I’ve read 6. If I keep up the pace I could read the whole Bible in 3 – 6 months. I know this doesn’t seem practical. So I’m shooting for 6 months to a year. J And I think I can make it this time.

The question is: how do I forget how much I love God’s Word? How I love to dive into it and picture what it would be like during those times, what it would look like in a modernized today society, and how it speaks to me. What I’m trying to say is: I’m not going to let life get in the way of my relationship with God. I will read all 66 books in the Bible over the course of the next year (or less). And see my relationship with God grow exponentially. I have faith in this.

Ok and what you all have been waiting for…Friday. What happened Friday at my Dr. appointment? I know you are all on pins and needles waiting in anticipation. I was super tired from only a few hours of sleep, jacked up on caffeine, and very anxious about how my Dr was going to perceive all I was about to tell her.

So, should I have been surprised when my blood pressure was 160/110? Nope. Not at all, but I knew it was a very bad sign. I had a headache that I debated if it was from lack of sleep or blood pressure. This was the tell tale sign: blood pressure. The silent killer. No longer so silent. Dr. Hawkins booted this in the butt (hopefully) by prescribing me medicine to help it go down. Today is day 2 on it, I swear it makes me feel a little shaky/woozy. A side affect is dizziness so I take it before I go to sleep.

Anyways, once blood pressure was out of the way, she asked me about my cycles. I began to tell her. She put me on hold, explaining she didn’t know me before my losses so she’d like to get a better picture of my cycles pre-pregnancy losses. I explained everything. In detail, from August when I started charting; how long each cycle was; what day past ovulation I started spotting, everything I laid out in front of her.

Even pointed out that this month I must have ovulated late because my cycle was 32 days and my luteal phase is always 14, making my spotting start at 7dpo. SO very not normal. I asked about Luteal Phase Defect (LPD). She said she doesn’t think it’s necessarily LPD, more like I’m ovulating crappy eggs due to hormones that are jacked up from PCOS. So, I’m getting more blood work (YAY getting poked again!) day 21 of this cycle. If it comes back abnormal (which we both assume it will…) next month I start clomid.

This is pending one other test: a semen analysis. If you know me in real life please do not say anything. No man wants to get this done, or admit that they had to get one done. He would be upset with me, and embarrassed if he knew I was “telling the whole world.” I am hoping we live close enough that we can do the sample at home and I can bring it into the testing site. I don’t want him to have to give it there. I’ve read that more sperm (and healthier sperm too!) is created in a man’s own home, with a woman. Plus, the thought of having to give a sample where other men have looked at porn to produce ejaculation grosses me out.  

What is Clomid you may be asking yourself. You take it 5 days out of your cycle. For a normal person’s mind it’s a drug to trick the ovaries into producing (more) and/or healthier eggs. For the scientific mind it’s an anti-estrogen. It sends signals to the brain saying, “Hey we need more.” So the brain sends more to the ovaries, beefing up more follicles to mature. Side affects aren’t the prettiest. I’ve heard it’s like hot flashes, queasiness, dizziness, and with continued use over 12 cycles…ovarian cancer. Oh and another side affect? 8-10% of women have twins. So this is it. I am ready to be blessed with a singlet or a twin set! Yet, I think the most we will use it for now is 3 months. James and I haven’t talked about it that much. I think we are waiting for the test results. But to be honest, I just know something is wrong. Once I spotted (no pun intended) the problem I knew.

My weekend was eventful! Friday night Jenny & Matt came over for pizza and watched “The Switch” with me. It was good. Then Friday morning James & I had pancakes with maple syrup. Yummm yummm! Missy (my sister) showed up soon after. She helped me fold socks while we watched “Life As We Know It” TOTAL tear jerker. And comedy, all rolled up into one!

Afterwards, we ventured to the Maple Syrup festival. We walked through the crafts, I spent more money than I should have. These are my two favorite things I bought.

 

I bought the one with the verse from Genesis on it for the nursery. I was going to wait to paint it…but I’m getting the itch. Hopefully I get a positive soon, so I can paint away! As for the one with Jer. 29:11, it is one of my favorite verses (don't mind it turned funny, tilt your head...I can't figure out how to stinking fix it...and it's frustrating me) . It doesn’t have a home yet. I really want to get a bigger one from the guy to hang on our walls. You can check out his website here.

I also bought a thing of maple syrup, a dispenser/bag for plastic sacks, and corndogs for James and me.

This is enough for this blog I think!

I’ll start another one soon, I’m sure. Hopefully after the next couple days I’ll have the net running too.