Writing to Stay Awake

I was talking to a co-worker tonight that had a D&C at 12 or 13 weeks. She would have been 27 weeks. So, it made me wonder how far along I should be. Calculating on this tired brain isn't working so my educated guess would be 24 weeks or 30ish. I want a round belly from pregnancy. I miss my babies I never got to meet.

I'm feeling crampy in ovaries as we speak. Kind of assuming cysts, but who knows. Blah.

I'm sleepy and have 2 1/2 more hours left. And no more breaks. Contemplating buying a game on phone. Or moving near the hallway so I can ready my Bible. I think reading is a better choice. So Jeremiah here I come.

I was skimming through genesis yesterday. When I stopped at the story of Sarah. My Bible pointed out Isaac means "He laughs" maybe isaac is a better name for our first child. Because we both burst out into laughter that night. :-)

To my babies: I love you and miss you terribly. I know you are in wonderful hands, yet y womb and arms ache to hold you. I wish I could see you. your tiny fingers, toes, feet, nose, ears, belly button, every little thing about you! TO know if you both are boys or girls. I wish I could name you, knowing for sure your sex. I wish I could feel you grow and move inside my belly. To nurse you, change your poopy diapers. Be sleep deprived from staying up late with you. Be exhausted after delivery, I love you. And miss you. And wish I could have experienced all of these things with you. ♥ Mommy

Yet, as for now, I am content in the present. With occasional wishful wanting and yearning. I am keeping focused on the fact that God has blessed me with James, and house, and a good job. The rest will fall into place in His timing!

♥ Jess
Written May 14, 2001 @ 4AM

Update: I just looked it up, I would be 31 weeks today. and 23-25 with second (not sure because of miscarriage right before it...) Imagine how round my belly would be. James talking to our child. Makes my heart a little sad to think about, but so happy with the thought of the future possibilities!