Late Night Thoughts on Infertility

I wanted to share a few links and a few thoughts.

First of all I finally got the chance to listen to Focus on the Family’s radio broadcast on infertility. It is split into 2 broadcasts. I highly recommend them, both for those trying to understand infertility (how it affects women), and those struggling through the murky waters.

Here are the links

1^st broadcast

2^nd broadcast

A few times listening tears were brought to my eyes. Can you imagine six miscarriages? I’ve had two. Two of my babies are in heaven. And it is still a little difficult for me to comprehend how four more losses would shape me. At one moment a woman said she had to understand that maybe God placed her on this road of infertility to shape her into the woman He wants her to be. God is that why I am here? Because I tell you, I will follow you. I will allow you to lead me, even down that bumpy road. And it is hard to say at times, but I will follow you Lord.

Imagine your life, if you are a mom, without your children. Or imagine your dreams…being crushed by the Dr saying that you are infertile. It’s painful isn’t it? Try living it. Because when you lose a pregnancy, you lose all of those dreams you have with that child. It is so hard. I have a group of ladies that I talk to on a thread. And this week out of the nine women that are on it we have had two big news hit us. Exciting news, because one woman that had faced miscarriage is now pregnant! I am so excited for her. But, there was a low blow for another woman. She found out her husband has low motility and low count. A 2% chance of getting pregnant. Combined with her ovulation problems. My heart goes out to her.

It strikes me because within the next few days we will find out the results of James’s test. And with my body being jacked up already, I too could find myself in her position…even with our two miscarriages. I know I will not blame James because he does not blame me. He loves me, unconditionally. And we know we can adopt…and in spite of my crazy dream that I have had about getting pregnant after adoption. Adoption does NOT increase the chance of pregnancy. When you have medical issues relaxing probably will not help you to conceive.

Sorry if I am babbling. I am pretty tired at the moment. Have more things to pack in the morning. And have a very important appointment with a cup, and the man I love (haha! Glad I can joke on here about it, because James is SO not okay with it at the moment).

And on this tiredness. I know it is 3am. But I slept seven and a half hours, and I am used to being up at this time. So why am I tired? Trying to keep my hopes not too high, because the higher you allow it to get, the lower they fall later. And the more it hurts.

So, I’m going to stay positive. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t…maybe it will maybe it won’t. If I get angry with God, He can take my honesty. If I cling to God, it’s ok because He is a strong God. And I have to say, I know in my heart I’m a mom already. Even before I had children I had a motherly heart. Yet, I also have this deep feeling that I will be a mommy here on Earth some way, some how. Even though that path is a mystery to me, God knows!

Also I want to tell you something that warms my heart, and gives a deep thankfulness for being able to watch children grow up. There is a young lady at our church, she is in sixth grade. After I spoke at church on my miscarriages and yearning to be a mom, she came up to me, looking quite sad, and said, “Jessica, I’m sorry you’ve been through that. I really hope God gives you a baby.” A sixth grader! The only other women that came up to me after service were the ones that helped me through the hard times, or had experienced infertility in their lives. God is going to use that little lady. I believe it; He is going to shape her. And mold her. And already is. I am thankful for her. Just as thankful as I am for the women of that day that acknowledged my pain and shared their stories.

I will look up the link for that Sunday and see if it is posted, then share it with you if it is.

But, for now, with small tears of thankfulness, joy, sadness, and hope flowing down my cheeks I say, good night. Have a blessed day! And I hope you find peace in whatever struggle you are facing today.

♥ Jess