Questioning

So I’m starting to think about money and how much children cost. And the fact that I’ll be in school. Am I crazy? Maybe. Definitely. Definitely, maybe…I don’t know. I need to pray more about this. I feel a little crazy thinking about going on clomid to conceive when I’m only 23. Only 23, wow, some days I feel old, but today I feel young. A young mom? I’m not that young to be a mom. Then why do I feel too young to take clomid? What is this internal fight I have going on?

Lately I’ve noticed James looking at little kids more, with a look on his face that tugs at my heart. I cannot wait for him to be a dad. He is going to be great. Then tell me, why am I doubting at the moment about moving forward? Is it you God? Should we wait? I don’t know what to do. My heart yearns for a child of our own so badly. Yet my enemy, doubt, keeps creeping in. Making me wonder, is this really part of your plan? This struggle was it for me to realize you are saying be still, wait a few years? Or is this doubt creeping in because Satan wants to mess up your plans as having us be parents? I don’t know. If you are reading this, please pray for me. I am quite baffled about what to do at the moment. And James thinks at times I say these questionings simply because I think he doesn’t want kids. This is false. I see it on his face. This is not why I question what we are supposed to be doing, I question because my heart fears so many different things. Fear, another great enemy of mine…

Do I think I can do nursing school while having a very small child? Yes! I have loving family and friends that will step in for me if I need them to, be it for sleep, when I have class, when I need to study, etc. And with the prospect of James being on first next summer, it means good & bad things. If in class, I’d have the same schedule as him, except I’d have to work at least part time on third. If I wasn’t in class we could do day care and I could flip my sleep schedule around so I could be awake to see my baby and my husband. That settles the time. Now what about money? James and I both have good jobs, so why does this add questioning? I think it’s the thought of having another to support. Of diapers, formula, and daycare costs. Oh wait, I want to use disposable diapers (you may think I’m crazy, but I truly want to try it!) and pump my milk, and find a reasonably cheap, but quality daycare. So those are moot thoughts. Money, maybe it’s thinking about how we have 2 car loans at the moment (one should be paid off in June), 4 student loan bills (only paying on 2 because I am in class…), and a mortgage now. In reality, I need to just accept the fact that our student loans will be with us for awhile. And Dave Ramsey says a house loan is ok, as long as 20 years. We got a 30. So now the goal is to pay a few extra house payments a year (once I am done w/school and have an even better job!) to pay it off sooner. So check, check, check. But what about medical bills? And heating costs in the winter? What about the doors, roof, and windows that need to be replaced? Life is going to happen. Medical bills can be paid as slowly as necessary, we are going to try cutting heating costs this winter by *hopefully* adding a pellet stove or a propane furnace, and doors, roof, and windows? They can be done eventually…if we have to take out a loan, so be it. I want to be debt free but there will be a day for that.

I’m sure I am obsessing and worrying and doubting and and and! About nothing. God has it figured out. Now would someone let my brain & heart know this?  How do I stop doubting and stop being afraid. Joshua 1:9 says, “Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And Romans talks about how the faithless anger God less than the unfaithful. I have faith, therefore I’m not faithless. But am I unfaithful? I doubt. I question. I fear. I know all believers do these things, yet what if in this I am angering or grieving God? I don’t want to go down that road!

I want to be on the road HE wants me on, to follow the path HE wants me to follow. Regardless of how bumpy, dark, or narrow it is. Help me Lord, guide my path, make sure my footing falls on steady ground, and continue to be my lighthouse in the darkness, my strong tower when I am weak. I need you! More than the want of child. More than the want to do nursing school. I need YOU to be my guide, my father, my savior, my lord, my salvation, my redeemer. I need you. And all your many facets of yourself, God. I will run to you. I am running to you, and I have ran to you. In the past, present, and future. You are my king, and I will forever praise & serve you. Now please, make it completely clear to me as the rising of the sun what path James and I are supposed to go down. Clomid & pregnancy achievement now? Or Waiting & yearning for a child of our own? I know you are shaping us God….now let us see the works of your hands upon us! (and please help it to include baby/babies!)

♥ Jess

Written May 5, 2011 @ 3:15PM