Let's Be Honest.

I think I have a heart problem. One that makes me want to talk less to God, and vent more to others. I am overwhelmed still. I know I need to work on forgiveness, yet somehow I still manage to cling to my emotions that say it's ok to feel the way I feel. Even though I know it's ok to be upset and forgive at the same time. Does this make sense? Do you follow me? Maybe this is another random ramble that I used to do so often in my late teen years...

While I'm being honest, I have to say, remember those songs I listened to when miscarrying and throughout that time? Now whenever I hear them I have fear that I'm going to have to experience those emotions and hurts all over again. I fear that if I hear them and later get a positive test that it will mean I am going to miscarry. I have been able to put aside all other superstitions, yet somehow this manages to not leave me!

I'm lacking in reading my Bible. I feel far from God. I've told Him how upset I am, yet I do not want to listen to his reply. I don't want to hear whatever it is He may be trying to tell me. How sad is that? I am holding onto anger/bitterness, I am afraid, and I'm missing God. I know these things, yet I do nothing. NOTHING. I'm pathetic at the moment. I think I'm a bad cope-er =( Things will get better, I need time. At least this is what I tell myself.

As for TTC, I am 12 dpo and no spotting so far. Last time this happened I was pregnant, but not holding my breath due to low progesterone levels. You have no clue (unless you have been through it) what a roller coaster it is TTC after miscarriage. Or TTC with fertility issues. 2 more days and AF should be here. 3 if I ovulated later than I think.

James and I talked and we have a new (tentative) TTC plan. We are going to keep trying naturally, while focusing on getting healthier (via exercise & eating healthier, AND reading our Bible & praying together), until November. In November if we still haven't gotten pregnant with a sticky bean we will try clomid for up to 6 months. During this time we plan on completing Foster Care to Adopt paperwork. We are thinking a little one up to 4 years old would be perfect for us. =) *also, why tentative you may ask? We are leaving room for God to move or change our hearts!

Initially James and I planned on stopping ttc during a few months so I wouldn't be a pregnancy blimp or break my water near Jenny's wedding. But, we have decided that God will take care of it. If I am close to popping near her wedding, I have faith God will at very least allow me to see the ceremony =) AND if I know I'm that close I will just have to write out my speech to be read to her. See I'm a planner.

And right now I'm planning on going to bed. James & Jack Jack are ready for sleep they say.

♥ Jess