Rockin' it Out!

Ok ladies on a high, I may be unorganized. Didn't read the chapter for school but guess what?

My first quiz today....9/10!! Woot!!

I am rockin' it out thus far. This weekend I will get organized, and actually read for class. I plan on picking up a day or two at work, so we shall see how it goes.

Now that I am on my third week of watching what I eat, I have decided to add regular exercise. So today, my buns are feeling the burn! I would LOVE to do the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. BUT I have all of these Biggest Loser DVDs that I haven't utilized regularly.

My goal for this week: Exercise 4 days for 30 minutes each day.

The BL DVDs say to do the DVD 4-5x a week for 2 weeks on level 1, 2 weeks on level 2, 2 weeks on level 3.

I am doing Biggest Loser: Cardio Max and will probably utilize my Biggest Loser Yoga DVD the day after for stretching purposes. It recommends that you mix it will the Sculpting DVD every day but there is NO way at this point! lol

My next goal will be 30 minutes 6 days a week. And then I will bump up the times :-)

I am excited to Rock it out in school and with my health. Now if I could get my house and finances in order I would be GOLDEN!!

I know I posted before on weight loss...My first goal is 180. Next goal will be 170, then 160. It is crazy to type those numbers. I can do this. Keep me motivated ladies!

I not only want to do this because it is best for my overall health, but I want to have more energy. I want to have the best chance to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be a strong woman mentally and physically. I want to be the best wife I can be. I don't want my chunky thighs to rub together for once in my life! I want to have amazing arms, and a nice butt. To feel good about the way I look in a swimsuit.

Off topic, I started my metformin back up again. I hadn't taken it regularly since I had to stop it for the HSG/MRI time period. I did 5 days on 500 mg, and today started day 1 out of day 5 on 1,000mg. My thirst has gone up (which isn't a bad thing!) and oiy! I have gotten small headaches almost every day. I am ready to be gone, they went away last time after I got used to them. I am going to try to get up to the 1,500mg and see how it makes me feel. I think it is odd that the met doesn't give me the usual side effect most women complain about. But I have felt like facing a cold today, thinking that is a lovely symptom. I just felt tired and under the weather.

Nothing Like Last Minute & Other IF Ramblings

(Warning: This post gets pretty deep, and is pretty darn long. Don't say I didn't warn ya. Because I did/am!!)

Ok, So nothing like Good Ol' Jess... Procrastinator. Only this time it isn't entirely my fault. I was sick sick sick! Like sleeping for 20ish hours in a day sick. No joke. I called into work Saturday night. So now I am a little freaked about where my occurances are....eeeek.

At our work we go by occurances and tardies. You get one point towards occurances if calling in on a week day, and a point and a half when calling in on a weekend. As a part-time employee I can have 5. Same with tardies, 5 points you can have and being late up to an hour (or leaving an hour early) equals one point towards tardies.

I called in Thursday and Saturday. That right there my friends = 2.5 occurances. If you get 5 you are "let go" and usually rehired if you are a good employee. BUT you loose seniority and the time you have worked there. Meaning it wouldn't be a year in March, meaning I wouldn't be up to get FMLA if ever necessary. Here is where the stressfulness begins. It all is pending back in January if they got there together and fixed my occurances from the fender bender call in. If that call in got fixed, I should be down 2 in January from the 3.5 they told me I was at. Meaning 1.5, which would put me currently at 4. If they haven't fixed the books from January...add 2. Meaning 6. And me fighting to keep my job. Que stress...NOW!!!


Ok So Monday I have to call our Director of Nursing to make sure it was fixed. And then Call our scheduling lady to make sure my points are adjusted accordingly. Gah!!

Oh and I have just started attempting to study tonight for my massive exam Tuesday. 75 questions. I need to get at least 44 right to pass the class. Nothing like last minute crunch time. This blows. I haven't been getting worse than a 80% on the tests which means I should get about 60 out of 75 right minimum. But we shall see. Que freaking out....NOW!!!

This blows my friends. I so wish I could have been better to study my butt off for this last exam, so I wouldn't feel so behind for this one. I wanted to start studying Saturday night but I called in feeling like shiza (and work was Ca-RAAAAZY Friday night) and today was spent being family day. We went to Brother in Law (Booger) and his family. I spent the afternoon playing babies, cars, and being climbed on by two beautiful girls and their dog Skeeter (who is a great dane and thinks he is a lap dog...cutest thing ever!). Looking forward to meeting my newest niece, whose arrival will be in May.

I would like to mention a comment that stung this weekend. I know he meant nothing by it, but sensitive tired me caught it and couldn't shake it. When playing babies with the girls, one was being left behind and I said, "Oh is Uncle James going to be the baby-sitter? Or do you want me to grab this baby too?" joking around. James replied, "I am definitely not the baby-sitter!" And Booger said, "You might be some day."

Might. We have officially changed over into the might world for those that know our infertility problems. No longer will. That's like saying, "You might be a dad someday." No. He will be a dad one day. Even if the baby doesn't grow in my womb, our baby (or babies!) will have grown in our hearts. And that is all that should matter.

But sometimes, as ashamed of it as I am to admit. I really REALLY would love the both/and story. Pregnancy & Adoption through Foster Care & maybe even international adoption. Best of all worlds. I don't know if I will give up on the possibility of pregnancy. I want to experience it, and experience the joy and wonder when meeting a little being half me and half James for the first time.

And these thoughts...they don't stop to be honest. It goes on and on, like when James said he kind of wonders if a couple of our good friends are pregnant again.

It brought up a good topic between us. The differences between men and women maybe. He said to me, he didn't know if he was just be sensitive and looking for it. But it seemed like she was showing her previous early pregnancy symptoms. I told him that I just expect it, I prepare for it. Because it hurts worse when I am not expecting it. It still hurts when I hear it (or see it on facebook...) but it tends to hurt less when I am anticipating the blow. Like knowing the slap is coming to the other cheek.

He then said something along the lines of, "It isn't like I won't be happy for them, because I will!"
He will, undoubtedly. And it gave us a time to recognize the fact that if and when our next friend comes out with a pregnancy announcement...I will be happy for them, but sad for us. And jealous. Quite green, I will admit it.

Which lead me to another point, I told him it is to the point where I am trying to mentally prepare for my best friend, who isn't even married yet, to announce to me that she is pregnant. Because, I can feel it...it will happen before James and I. By the end of this year I bet. And God is letting me know our first months of IUI probably won't work. But naturally and probably quickly it will for them. And my friends, as much as I would like to say it won't change our friendship...I am afraid it will. I am scared for it.

Because it seems, for me, the longer I am on the road of infertility...it doesn't get easier. It gets harder. The road gets rougher, and I am dreary and worn out from the road behind us. The longer we are on this IF road the more tears seem to appear in relationships all around me (family, friends, with God, with my husband). Infertility isn't something I would wish on anyone.

 I can't say that last comment, Long Term Infertility (over a year, more than a loss) isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't say I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Because being honest, sometimes in my green little mind I think about women that get pregnant with ease and take it for granted, that choose abortion, that say hurtful things to us infertile women without any emotion, that do drugs when pregnant, sometimes I wish God had granted them the infertility disease and not me. And that is the honest truth.

Judge me if you wish, hateful bitter infertile woman I am I suppose (I've been called it, so it must mean it is true?) but sometimes I feel that way. If I was the one handing out infertility and fertility the world would probably be a very different place. And that is why I am not God. I am Jessica, a daughter of God, an infertile woman angry with God, and sad woman for allowing myself to be stuck in this place with all of these horrid feelings.

Freak Out

Ok so I did my nursing orientation yesterday. Holy toots was it a little overwhelming. Okay, A LOT overwhelming. I had 2.5 hours of sleep and had to sit through 5 hours of information pertaining to the program.

Facts like:

They want us to only work 10-15 hours a week for the first trimester.
HA! I do NOT have the funds to just work one or 2 days a pay period every week. Lets face it, it may have to happened towards February and through May but I will not let our finances go down the shitter due to school. If i have to work my ass off on little sleep, that is what will have to happen.


They want us to study 3 hours a week  for every credit hour, but because of how shortened the first class is she said to make it like 6 per credit hour..
FYI this means for the first five weeks I should be studying 12 hours a week for the first class. And then for the rest of the semester 18 hours a week. They had us break down the hours in a week and subtract everything to see how much time we had left for "personal activities" basically LIFE. IT was kind of eye opening: I may fall off the face of blogger.


I honestly don't know what I got myself into. With adding M to my plate, school, and looking further into my infertility issues...I don't think the stress ball they gave us will be enough to relieve the stress. I seriously think I am going to have to join the gym so I can just exercise away any anxiety and worry pertaining to life in general.

So I am freaking out about school, but also feeling a slight pity party/depression over all things fertility. I jokingly say things like, "Well God decided he doesn't want me to be a Mom" when people tell me they are now ttc. Just because I am like really? Your cigarette smokinng lazy butt is trying to get pregnant? And probably will be successful but my husband and I who have been ttc for a year and a half cannot even have ONE child together? How is this fair God? I mean seriously? I don't get it. I understand that I probably would do better in the nursing program without the added "stress" of having a child. But I feel quite unloved by you at times for the holding back on what my heart desires. I know that you know what is best for me, but it doesn't make ANY sense to me when I see co-workers getting pregnant, people who in high school were drunk sluts, and quite honestly the amount of people they tell me "it was an accident/surprise" At times I seriously think, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this?

The one thing in life I want to be is a mother. The ONE thing that I don't know if I could do without, is hearing a little one call me mommy, and not having it be on accident. My heart cries out every day that I see little kids or pregnant bellies. It just doesn't seem fair at all. And to my fellow IFers that are pregnant at the moment. Know this post isn't about you, in my jealous fit of rage and depression I may avoid your blogs, but know I am So incredibly happy for you. Because you too know the pain that sitting in my shoes causes your heart.

I often wonder if I will still be wearing the tread bare shoes of infertility for years to come. And that thought shakes me to the core. I would love for biological kids to come before adoptive children so they will never think they are second best, but honestly I cannot accept the fact at this point that adoption will be the only way we will every grow our family. Not until we have tried everything else. And to me this includes IVF. My husband on the otherhand...he would be content with just saving up for adoption now I think.

I really need to take my mind off TTC and focus on paying off debt and learning to live life in the present again. I am not the best woman to be around at times lately. I need to fall back in love with God's word and allow Him to give me peace about my current situations. And stop worrying about EVERYTHING.

 think I am neurotic. Some one save me from myself. Once we have taxes back, this fat chica is joining the gym. I will meet my goal of losing at least 10% of body weight this year. (I know high goal haha, but I wanted to 100% be able to obtain it...). 20 pounds...I can do this! If anything, it will help the health heart and hopefully help with my mood and all things pertaining to ttc. 180 lbs here I come!