Weight Loss Wednesday - Week 2

I haven't done as well this week as I had hoped. But, I have learned a few things about myself: 1) when exhausted resolve goes out the window. As in eat anything in site, and if that includes chocolate...then say good bye to it.  2) It is harder to keep calories low than I remembered. 3) I am 100% a person that seeks comfort in food. Thinking about reading Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food by Lysa TerKeurst. 4) I have SO much more energy the days I exercise, even if I am sore from my workout. And 5) No Matter how much water in a day I drink I cannot get that hydration percentage to go above 40%! Anyways, the Results

Weight This Week: 214.6  Last Week: 218 Difference: - 3.4 lbs (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
Body Fat: (same as last week) 45.6% (Should be 16-23% for "Good" health, my goal for now is "Acceptable" 24-30%)
Hydration: (same as last week) 39.7% (Should be 50%)
Muscle: 56 lbs, last week it was 58 lbs....This portion of this new scale is so finicky that I am not really paying super attention to it. I miss my old scale in this regard and am planning on stopping by my moms tonight to see if new batteries really makes it work again...and if so I might be an indian giver and swap her for my new one. 
BMI this week: 33.6 Last week: 34.2 Difference: - 0.6 (My goal for now is just no longer obese so 29.99)

Goals from last week:
Lose at least 1 lb.  Met!
Exercise 4 days this week. I officially did 3/4 I thought yesterday was going to be tough at physical therapy, I was wrong and then didn't get out of work until 1245 so I missed the mark on this one. 
Count calories, staying under 1500 max, Goal is 1300. Ha! Definitely missed the mark on this one, but met it on 4/7 days. 
Drink half of my weight in water (that is 110 oz or almost 14 servings of water) DAILY. Met 4/7 days

Goals for this week:
Going to be more intense. Lose 1.5 lbs
Exercise 4 days this week.
Count calories and stay under 1420, also I am eating exercise calories. I need to stay under the 1420 for my goal of 1.5 lbs weight loss a week. 
Meet my 10,000 steps goal at least 3 days this week. 
Drink 12-14 servings of water daily.
One day this week drink 1 gallon of water. 

A few more things before I go....

Matthew has tried working out with me. One day after working out with me, we were watching a movie with James when he got home from work, when suddenly Matthew got on the floor and started to try to do push ups!! Oh my word were we confused at first, because he was even trying to grunt or vocalize while doing it like the people do on the DVD (heck, maybe I do it unaware LOL). Once I realized what he was trying to do, I stopped worrying that maybe one time he saw us during adult time and that we had scarred him for life! ;-) haha oh boy, it was much cuter after my realization of what he was actually doing!

Matthew got 2 cavities fixed and has at least one more appointment to fix cavities/clean teeth coming up. He handled it fairly well but kept trying to spit out the wedge that holds the mouth open. He slept basically all night after the dentist due to the medications they give him to help him be relaxed and such. ALSO, we are getting his eyes checked later today because he looked at my mom and said, "Glasses please." when looking at her phone, she also told me when he is reading a book or using her phone he frequently asks for her glasses. She is the only one that has glasses that help with close up. So I just want to make sure he doesn't have something going on with his eyes. We shall see how the appointment goes!

I learned that with a doctor's note, to treat a medical condition (which I believe obesity is a medical condition), we can use flex spending to cover both gym membership dues and/or gym equipment for home. Right after learning it my PT asked if we had access to an elliptical. I told her no, but would ask either family doctor or surgeon for note. Because I definitely would enjoy an elliptical to work out while watching some TV ;-) It is harder for me to get to the gym so I think an elliptical would be a better choice. I might even try to get a note for a Bosu ball if I clarify with the people that handle our flex spending what medical conditions it has to be. My knee weakness r/t quad wasting from surgery would make us able to get elliptical I would believe. I am also not certain where we could go to buy it...have to look into this more!
I got my dress for my sister's wedding. I am not 100% certain that I like it. It was 30 bucks, and to be honest we shall see after I have lost weight. I might end up chancing it if I still don't like it in March and going dress shopping again and picking something different out. I will grab my camera and upload better photos once I have time to have someone else take pics of me in it...and maybe have lost some more weight. So look for it in February ;-) These are photos of me taking a pic of my camera. 

Weight Loss Wednesday

So I am ready to stop being so fat. Both to make sure that fat isn't a part of my infertility and for my overall health. I have had to increase my blood pressure medication due to my fatness.

Today is day 1 of renewed determination. I have a handy dandy scale that gives me stats about % body fat, hydration, etc....
So here are my current stats:

Weight: 218 (Goal is 191 lbs...no longer obese)
Body Fat: 45.6% (Should be 16-23% for "Good" health, my goal for now is "Acceptable" 24-30%)
Hydration: 39.7% (Should be 50%)
Muscle: 58 lbs
BMI: 34.2 (My goal is just no longer obese so 29.99)

I should measure myself as well. Maybe next week?

Goals for this week:
Lose at least 1 lb.
Exercise 4 days this week.
Count calories, staying under 1500 max, Goal is 1300.
Drink half of my weight in water (that is 110 oz or almost 14 servings of water) DAILY.

I am quite disheartened with myself for allowing myself to see the scale almost top over to the 220s. That's what this roller-coaster of infertility does to a person that is an emotional eater I suppose. That and I am dehydrated AND I had already eaten breakfast this morning. On another note, the dress I am planning on wearing
for my sister's wedding comes in February 2nd, probably won't see it until the 7th. Definitely won't fit me as I ordered the size I wore in my best friend's wedding. I have to be down to the 192 before the end of May :-) It is definitely do-able. Crazy maybe for ordering a smaller size than I am now, but do-able. The pic is below. It was 30 on an online only deal, so I haven't even tried it on. Crazy? Yup.

My Heart Aches.

The tears won't stop falling today. This sucks. No Matter how I try to spin it. I am waiting to miscarry again. Left feeling broken again. And today, I found myself sitting at a table with women that were all mom's to multiple babies, or a first time new mom with no clue of infertility or loss. I felt alone. They were joking at one point about sex, as it was a topic of this month.

I bravely spoke up, sex becomes a chore when for 2 years you try for a baby, desperately yearning to have one of your own, only to time and time again be faced with heartbreak. You love each other want to enjoy each other's embrace and be passionate with each other but it becomes a tedious chore, tainted with likely heartbreak if you succeed at becoming pregnant.

Some months going to MOPS is more heartbreaking than it is therapeutic. I don't know if I will continue going after this year. It is hard, I feel like I don't "fit in" in most groups. One foot in the world of a mom, and another foot in the world of infertility and loss and yearning to join the "mommy club." This morning I was there but I wasn't there. I wasn't present. Tears fell down my cheeks as I refused to once more announce that poor little Jessica is facing another damn miscarriage. I cannot even express what my heart, soul, and mind are at wars saying. Maybe we should just give up my dream of another pregnancy. Maybe we aren't worthy of carrying another baby. Maybe Matthew was the only miracle that God is going to give us in this life.

So far the past 3 months year has been filled with things breaking, things going wrong with health, finances being shitty due to health issues or schooling, did I mention the pellet stove breaking? Not once, not twice, not three times, but FOUR times in the past year. Or how about the garbage disposal? No, well maybe the dishwasher? Or did I mention that yesterday the pipe burst under our house that is the hot water for the sink and dishwasher? While I was gone after we finally had heat, other than the 2 electric heaters and little stand alone propane heater. Nothing seems to be going right lately. I'm not going to lie, I sometimes imagine God saying, "Have you considered Jessica?" instead of Job. And sometimes I start to believe the lies that Satan is trying to whisper (or at times yell) into my ear and heart.

On top of all of this, I just called my OB office to set up an appointment with my doctor and couldn't get in until February which isn't too bad, but I asked if we could do my yearly then as well since I'm there. No. She has a wait list until April. Are you f-ing kidding me? She is a wonderful doctor but isn't that a little ridiculous? I foresee finding a new OB in my future. And maybe a hematologist for my stupid issues. Because I worry about it for my overall health not just for fertility purposes.

Yesterday's Beta

yesterday's hcg came back at 19.9

Another loss just as I had anticipated. I have been spotting pink since yesterday morning. At first I thought maybe it was from doing one of the prometrium vaginally the night before but continued on throughout the day.

Anyway, while I was at the lab I asked for my lab work from 2011 so I could see what exactly she drew for my infertility work up. The reference guidelines changed in 2013 bumping 2 of my tests from negative to a weak positive. Both IgG and IgM of the ACLA.

This is what I found online...
Anti-Cardiolipin Antibodies (ACA) – Cardiolipin is a phospholipid that is one of the main components of cell membranes. It is involved in essential cell functions necessary for proper embryo development. Elevated levels of antibodies to Cardiolipin may interfere with its ability to function normally and have been associated with vein or artery clotting, few blood platelets (fragments that lead to the formation of blood clots) and fetal loss.

Essentially exactly what I have been experiencing. Early miscarriages due to poor placenta development and poor implantation. Treatment is lovenox earlier in cycle, possibly doubling the dose, and a few meds like prednisone could be added. So I am shooting in next to weeks to be back closer to 200 lbs and be meeting with my OB in person to discuss this along with possibility of running more tests and/or just adding prednisone, progesterone after ovulation along with lovenox starting earlier in cycle. We shall see.

I really am contemplating focusing on me more and losing weight before we try everything else.

What I Want

I want to love myself. And not feel like a failure because my uterus isn't a safe place for babies.

I want to be healthy.  And that means getting off my ass, eating healthier and stop making excuses as to why this is hard. Damn right it is hard. Harder to work through it and just exercise, in spite of my knee still bugging me from acl repair, and in spite of Matthew wanting to cling to me. In spite of groceries costing an arm and a leg. It is time. Again. to lose the weight and be in better shape. To decrease my blood pressure med and be a better example to my son.

I want to be desperately in love with God again, and not leave him last in my life. To see Him alive and moving in the simplest of things in life and to remain thankful. 

I want to be a better stewart with what we have been blessed. Tithe. Clean house. Clean car. Go on dates with James (last one was 6 months ago). Pay off debt. Be sitting better financially.

I want to feel valued as a friend. Not just be the person people come to for advice or when they have something big they know I will keep to myself. I want to have fun again. Laugh. Make memories.

I want to have adventure. I haven't vacationed outside of Michigan since I was recently out of high school and went to Hershey PA. And before that it was Junior year. Last vacation inside of Michigan was 3 or 4 years ago.

I want to be a blessing to others. To be transparent enough for them to see they aren't the only one that doesn't have it together. to give them hope. A hand up when they are down.

At the moment I feel like a lousy follower of Jesus. Debt up to our ears, gaining weight, not tithing, barely praying or reading my Bible. Being a "good person" simply isn't enough.

I feel broken. Like my infertility somehow defines a huge part of me. Stupid for having hope. I see it in many people's faces and hear it in their voices. I feel like I won't measure up elsewhere in life because I can't even do one of the things that should come naturally and easily.

I know some of these are lies and others are conviction's about things I need to fix and simply I lay them all down at His feet because my shoulders are not strong enough to carry it all.

Disheartened - 18 dpo

I skipped going to get my hcg draw tonight as I had a long day at work, the progesterone made me dizzy, nauseated, and filled with overwhelming fatigue. I felt like I was in a fog. I held my urine for as long as yesterday and the day before...and I got this test. The bottom one.

As you may be able to see in the photo, the test was a little lighter. Not by much, but still not a good sign for me. Or my little one. And I cannot even talk myself into chalking it up to the fact that I peed on the test after it had been left in my car for 2 days in cold temps, because the same happened on the middle test, but for just one day.  

And just FYI. Top test is the day I got my beta. The middle is yesterday. Bottom is today.

I will get a beta done tomorrow morning.

On other news, our pellet stove broke...again. It is negative temps here in Michigan did I mention that? Shoot me now. Hard to try to keep your head up and feel optimistic when life keeps pissing on your hopes and dreams. I am still going to set up an appointment after the nurse calls with results either tomorrow or friday. Pending how early I have lab drawn and when it gets done. 

I am officially out of tests. And maybe out of hope for this cycle. 

16dpo -edited-

Yesterday vs today. Yesterday is on top, tonight is on bottom. Will edit once I have my beta and progesterone results.

hcg - 53.1 progesterone 11.38

*sigh* Trying to keep hope alive. But almost were we were at last cycle. And I woke up and pellet stove is broken. It's like below zero here in Michigan. It was 58 in our house. So I had to call into work late, how late idk. Just so I can figure out what the hell we are going to do.

8

Long Day Ahead

I woke up at 330 to the smell of what I thought was smoke and shivering and needing to pee. We have a pellet stove and sure enough it was hot. So I had to let it cool down. That thing is fabulous but gives me a headache.

I also haven't updated on my husband. Friday a freak accident happened while he was at work and a stick came through his propane truck, while he was driving, and got his ear. He said for about a minute, while trying to stop the truck he thought he had lost his ear or worse because it hurt and he couldn't hear.

He got 5 stitches, I am so thankful and blessed that God watched over him to protect him because it could have been so much worse. He is on pain meds and thinks he is going to be super hero and go back to work today and skip the Norco. I hope a doctor sees through his pain and tells him at least one more day off.

On another note, I am planning on a beta hcg and progesterone tonight so it could be a long day. I also told James yesterday after a very faint test with FMU. I told him it was probably going to be a loss. But then I tested in the evening with my 3rd pee of the day, after first flooding a test when I was trying to get it to bring the dye across....I think it was a faulty test. And then my last test was used to get this beauty: the top is Saturday, bottom is Sunday evening.

I wish I had more for today but will have to wait to see if I pick another couple up. Depends on how work goes. And how tired I am after a meager good 3 hours of sleep, 3.5-4 hours total.

Symptoms: small period like cramps, sore bbs and nipples, peeing more, thirst, hunger or nausea, insomnia or fatigue (horrid fatigue), headaches. Telling myself to not let hopes soar but also that Jesus is in control. That it has happened once successfully and it can happen again.

15dpo

well period is officially late.  used fmu for cheap test this morning and it was a bad choice.  VERY very faint. 

Waited for smu for FRER. I had to pee so badly by the time we got home from church.  I am exhausted.  Bbs are tender.  Extremely thirsty. Headache this morning. Heartburn last night. Basically my normal symptoms.  We shall see. ...

14dpo

I had a hard time stepping away from the FRER calling my name this morning until I saw a difference between yesterday and today's SMU with the 88c cheapies.

I have sensitive breasts and nipples, woke up at 3 am hungry, had a piece of toast, the other day I had heartburn, fatigue, irritable, increased cm, and cramps off and on...and very occasionally nausea.

For today, I am pregnant. The top test is yesterday's dried, the bottom is this mornings at 10 minutes.

#13

Lucky number 13? Not so sure about that, but for now I am pregnant. My 13th pregnancy. I have had 11 losses and 1 little turkey that currently has a sinus infection. He is our miracle.

I cannot help but wonder when we will have a second little miracle. Especially since I officially said yes to going back to school this fall since I am ready to be done.

I am officially waiting until next week to go for a beta. The weather is crappy and I don't want to go out in it. I still haven't told James but if I make it to this time next week we should almost be out of the woods for my usual loss time.

I cannot tell if the 88c Walmart test has gotten darker so I used the same urine and took a FRER. I will check with a FRER on Sunday. I bought a 3 pack and would like to stretch it out. I did buy 5 of the cheap tests so I will test again tomorrow morning.

I feel like it is pointless to have blood work done because I don't think progesterone would help me at this point and I am already on lovenox. I thought about upping it to 2x a day for a little while to try to make sure no clots ensue.

We shall see. I will leave you with my FRER. Which I assure you is more visible in real life.

Blah.

Super Infertility

I have said it before and I will say it again, I am the fertile infertile woman.

I'm not really holding my breath but started to wonder if I was pregnant 3 days ago. Used my last FRER VERY faint (probably not there to a normal person) line. Couldn't tell if it was pink or not. Used a 88c cheapie and was negative, then used another 88c cheapie yesterday and I swear I saw a line. Then this morning, on a 3 hour hold....this faint line that I almost can't get on camera. Or maybe you can't see it? But I can. I'm not holding my breath exactly. But this is my first time being pregnant while having progessence plus by YL on board. Also been taking CoQ10 for 2ish months.

Symptom spotting? Fatigue. Matthew is wanting to nurse like crazy and I have SO much aversion towards it, especially at night. My nails have been growing like crazy. I am breaking out slightly, stupid acne. I have nausea, or hunger depends on the moment. Small cramps. Breasts have been tender. And I have been a softie...I let our cat inside that has basically been fully exclusively outside for over the past 2 years. Pray she doesn't pee on things. I don't want to have to toss her back outside again. 

I am about 12-13 dpo, my period is due this Saturday. No, I haven't told James. And yes, I do know my potential due date (Sept 19th in case you are curious). BUT, that being said, statistically the odds are not in my favor. 

50 in 2015

There is more that I would like to accomplish in 2015 but I figure with 50 if I can cross off at least 3/4 of them I will feel highly accomplished. :-) So here they go!

1) Get under pre-pregnancy weight (192...currently 214, that means I need to lose 22 lbs)
2) Finish reading the bible (so I can say I have read every book in the Bible)
3) Go to the zoo
4) Go to Boulder Ridge

5) Spend a night with James, away from Matthew (Any volunteers to baby-sit?)

6) Read 10 books for fun.

7) Have a plan for when I will start nursing school back up.

8-10) Have all 3 credit cards paid off

11) Pay off all of my medical bills from my Knee

12) Make a business plan for James...for his produce business.

13) Get Matthew into his own room. 

14) Organize our basement

15) Get the shelves hung up in our bathrooms

16) Get prices for re-doing our Kitchen and Living Room 

17) Organize our office

18) Clean up the garage

19) Work on keeping the house clean on a regular basis (I now have an actual chore list for the week, sadly, I am a terrible housekeeper, and my husband is just as messy)

20) Take Matthew to see a movie at the movie theater

21) Take Matthew swimming

22) Take a trip to Frankenmuth/Birch Run

23) Go camping at least one weekend.

24) Go to Catch Air with Matthew 

25) Have a thousand dollars in an emergency fund.

26) Have a month's worth of money in an emergency fund

27) Get pregnant with a healthy sticky baby OR have an appointment set up with Kwak-Kim
28) Go on 12 date nights with James

29) Take a weekend trip to either Chicago or Washington DC

30) Purchase set of essential oils

31) Make a prayer picture book for Matthew.

32) Attend a small group on a regular basis.

33) Blog at least 4x a month (that = 48 posts in 2015)

34) Go out for a girl's night out.

35) Go to one of those canvas panting places.

36) Give up McDonald's for at least a month (though I would be okay with water, ice cream, and coffee from here ;-) haha)

37) Host 6 game nights with friends and/or family.

38) Have family photos taken this summer or fall.

39) Look more closely at foster care classes and their guidelines

40) Fence in our backyard

41) Have 5 bonfires

42) Have a swing set or other play thing in the backyard for Matthew.

43) Run or walk a 5K

44) Order wedding photos (Finally!...we have been married for 5 years already...)

45) Go to a shooting range with James

46) Have the money for James to purchase the rifle he wants.

47) Tithe on a regular basis (feel like this should be closer to the top!)

48) Swimming lessons for Matthew

49) Build a cube organizer for Matthew's room

50) Organize all the closets (there are 4 in our house)