Life

Ok bullet point entry starts....NOW!

• My dad is still in the hospital. Two blood clots in left lung. Swelling not going down in legs, currently have him on 2 different blood thinners. He had a poor reaction to heparin so they had to switch him to Argatroban and Coumadin. I think they are having issues getting his INR where they want it. I think I have found which parent I got the MTHFR from.
• M is back living with us. He is acting like nothing happened and it kind of drives me crazy. I am trying to breath and relax but I am cranky.
• I think my hormones are already acting up. I cried while watching Biggest Loser tonight. Because Newman's Dressing donated so many pounds of food. And I cried because I want to have a weight loss inspirational story to motivate others. 
• I started getting EWCM CD14 (I caved and figured out where I was in my cycle). Today is CD17 and having major O pain. Thinking ovulation is near.
• I still do not have my normal voice back. Drainage is still here, but not as bad. The Rhinocourt Aqua is doing it's job!!
• I made it through today and yesterday without a nap (first time in a week!)
• I have been horrid with exercise due to being sick.
• I have been horrid with diet the past 3 days, partly hormones I think, partly because I can finally eat, but mostly because I wanted to eat the crap. By crap I mean: Okedoke popcorn, cheese puffs, sunchips, various (and too many) Girl Scout cookies, Chips Ahoy...etc, etc, etc...gross. I have felt groggy and now disgusting but still mowed down. Going over between 350-800 calories each of these 3 days.
• If I lose weight in tomorrow's weigh in it will be a God thing.
• Did I mention my O pain? I am ready for it to go away. It is from my Right side so it gives me hope, hopefully not false hope for a good ovulation.

OOOOH and guess what? I passed my last exam with an 88% which happens to be a wonderful B!! I am SO excited!! That gives me a pretty good cushion for passing the class.

♥ so sorry I have been a bad blogger friend lately. I have been SO busy!

Pain

My heart hurts.
These cramps hurt....in lower abdomen and lower back.

I dont want to take ibuprofen because the pain feels how my heart feels, I dont want to pretend it never happened. But I hate the reminder...

TMI but I am wearing pads, because with first and second loss they told me to avoid tampons...so I am following suit this time around. And friends, I hate pads, especially when up moving around. And what I hate even worse is sitting on the toilet having cramps, a sudden pain in cervix and then getting to experience nasty freaking clots every time I go potty. It is digusting and pisses me off. I just want a healthy pregnancy.

It is a miracle that all of us ttc have the ability to face another day, another cycle, another loss while still clinging to God and hope.

Today the Bible verse on my phone is from Proverbs (16:3 maybe?) And says something along the line of, Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be accomplished.

So, I am going to focus on that. It is entirely up to God when we willl have a healthy pregnancy, when we will see another positive test. And when my actions to help lose weight will show up on the scale.

Tonight I will post on Sunday's church service and how it got to me.

I am struggling today, wishing I could have a day to curl up in bed all day and just cry. But I have to go on as nothing has happened because school is so demanding. First Simulation is today. Blah.

My Heart

...it hurts. I really thought this would finally be it. Instead of getting good news today I am experiencing sadness and more tears as I wait to start bleeding.

Life isnt fair people.
Infertility isnt fair.
Pregnancy loss isnt fair.

I dont get God's plan in all of this.

But I kind of got a glimpse of it this morning.

I was talking to Him. Laying in bed, tear stained cheeks and I just said basically said, "I don't get this Lord. I still love you."

"I had to see how you were going to handle it."

And it made me cry. Because I was so far from God not that long ago. Bitter and Sad. I almost stopped believing. Period.

I won't let that divide happen this time. I just feel a glimpse of what Job felt. "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; but blessed be the Lord."

God wants to make me strong when I am weak. He wants me to lean fully on him through this. And the thing is...I did the most this cycle out of ALL of them thus far. And I thought this one was it.

So now I am in a place...where no we probably won't do IUI because what is the point? I get pregnant every 3-5 months. With the same outcome every time. So why waste out money and time.

James wants us to wait until I have my LPN anyways. So if you know me it is hard being in the NT/NP point, and I cannot imagine doing it for another year. So birth control floats to the front of my mind.

As does giving up. And just starting foster care/adoption process.

Giving up. Yes my friends, 19 months in and I am ready to throw in the towel and just say screw it.

But I won't. And I won't go on birth control. I will have to go with a WTF mentality a blogger friend posted about....Wipe Then Flush. Imediately. No examining for fertile fluid. Not testing until I reach a 35 day cycle. Because earlier intervention doesnt change the outcome. God could have, but didnt. But he can choose to in the future.

Until then, I am D.O.N.E. waisting money on ttc. No more pregnancy tests. No OPKs. No REs for the next year.

But I will tell you something, I am going to look good not ttc. Down 13-14 lbs. 194.8 from 208. I am going to be out of the 190s by the end of the month. And shooting for 180s to be nearing to an end in April.

Then where? A pound a week goal until I reach where I am comfortable and healthy. My BMI is 31.5. I want to be in a healthy range. Which means 150 here I come. 58lbs is my ultimate goal. That is crazy to say. 30% weight loss almost.

And guess what? If I can endure infertility and loss I can edure the "long" journey of weight loss. By this time next year I WILL be in the 150s, as long as God hasn't decided to bless me with a healthy pregnancy by then. It will be tough, but I am a tough cookie. And honestly, losing 13lbs already, I only have 45 to go in 52 weeks. Doable if you ask me.

I was joking with my husband, he has lost 15 lbs or something...me? 13. I told him I can lose weight like a man! lol No joke though, when I put my mind to it...it does seem to melt off like weight does for a man.

I cannot control ttc or the outcome of pregnancy. But I can control my weight and keep my eyes on Jesus. One way or another He will bless me this year. Either with extensive weight loss or a healthy pregnancy (finally). I will celebrate over either.

Waiting is the Worst.

Waiting for the beta results was bad.
Waiting for the day for the second beta results was worse.
But waiting to miscarry is the freaking worst.

I am now currently a day late for my period. I guess I shouldn't test early any more because my theory I had in my head of the pregnancy working the sooner we had a positive and the sooner I started lovenox and such is a bust.

Though, how many of you (if any) start lovenox in the 2ww? Or start progesterone in the 2ww as well? Because that would be my next step.

Well that and IUI which we dont really have the money for at the moment. I would love to do IUI with clomid and trigger shot, because it would give me more eggs to choose from. Screw the probability of UU because honestly 24% of losses are in first try...I have lost FIVE in the first tri...actually the first 2 freaking months.

I am angry and ready for my body to do something right for once.

I dont even know HOW I managed to get pregnant this month with the lack of sexual activity lol. Or honestly when I ovulated because I thought I did earlier in the month and then got the same symptoms like a little over a week later. So who flipping knows.

And besides that....WHY let me get pregnant if I am going to just lose again? False freaking hope God...false hope. I clung to you this time. Outwardly I act like I was expecting another loss, but inwardly...I thought this was it. I clung to you and I feel like you dropped the ball AGAIN! I am a little upset with you, but I still love you. I am beyond pissed that this has to happen again and again. But am trying to find ways to feel blessed still. Infertility is a huge messy ball of emotions and I dont know why you allow it to be active in this world for those that would make wonderful mothers, and those that are shitty mothers you allow children easily. Many of them us infertiles end up parenting. Why not just let us have our own babies? Let us experience the miracle of pregnancy. Let us see our bellies expand and grow and be tickled and kicked from the inside. It isnt far God. I know one day I will be a mom, in fact I am a mom to five little babies already in your kingdom...and I hope they are enjoying being with you. But it sucks down here without them. 19 months of trying to conceive God. NINETEEN! It seems like forever to me know, please dont let it eventually feel like a short time. Please God! You know James and my heart for children. Please bless us with a healthy pregnancy. With babies and eventually adoption and foster parenting.

I am waiting on you God, and it definitely isnt easy. And I am worshiping while I wait, but it doesnt mean I wont be angry and upset with the choice you have made. I cannot wait to hold my babies, and honestly my heart feels more and more missing with every loss. Every time it pulls a chunk out of my heart. But I love you with all I have and all I can.

And yes, I did just shed my first tears over this loss. I am not as strong as I seem. I am just numb. Five losses at the age of 24. What the heck are you thinking Lord?

Are we supposed to forget getting pregnant and skip right to adoption? Is that your plan for us? Because if it is...be prepared for a bitter period of time once more. I know being a mom is the ultimate ultimate goal....and I plan on adopting at least 2 children...but I. Want. To. Experience. Pregnancy. With. A. Healthy. Baby. Period. I just wish my wants would line up for what you want for me.

Symptoms....

First of all idk how I got lines on those tests with an HCG of 12. Thinking about it makes me concerned about another early loss. But my progesterone is AMAZING! I am puzzled how am feeling symptoms with hcg so low. It has to be the progesterone.

Okay so symptoms I am experiencing....
Crazy hunger. I eat, stop make myself drink water and my stomach still says...."feed me, NOW. And if I dont I feel a little queasy. For example though tonight at work I ate 2 half quesadillas a coworker brought in, pudding, apple sauce, fiber one bar, cottage cheese, and I am STARVING right now. Before work I ate some strawberries, a pickle, and immitation crab. Lunch? A happy meal. Breakfast? An egg, 2 pieces of toast, and bacon.  I am so hungry still...it is ridiculous. That was a lot of food!

Because drinking more water I am peeing all the time. And have an insatiable thirst. And I have been drinking lots of water.

I got up quick yesterday and was majorly dizzy.

Constipation, tender bbs and sensitive nips, exhaustion, and still have darn cramps. I wish the cramps would stop so I would stop thinking AF is coming and I examine TP like crazy.

I am trying to enjoy right now though. Because for the moment...I am pregnant! With an awesome progesterone number, on my own, without medical help. God is good. I am going to start reading my Praying through Pregnancy Book and need to write in my journal soon.

Who we have told? All of you readers of course :-). Two of my coworkers that know my story, my friend L that has been ttc for 2.5 years now, and R who is always a go to girl because she has walked the shoes of infertility and loss. I am not sure if James told anyone at all, he is nervous about the outcome and doesnt want to get excited just yet. And honestly, I dont blame him.

I am sure the doctors office will tell me to remain cautiously optimistic, especially since by LMP I should be just over 5 weeks. When I ovulated 9-10 days later than the standard woman. So I am really barely 4...hence 14dpo today.

Biggest concern is praying against ectopic, because I only have the one functioning tube!

God knows the desires of my heart and has given me so much peace this cycle. Miracles can happen.

Ok tummy is rumbling so I must go find food. And that I know for sure isnt in my head!! It amazes me! Hope it is because I have a baby growing strong and healthy!!

Positive? Maybe a little...

Tell me what you think? I know people love FRER but I haven't had the best of luck with them so I went with what I had a coupon for, an E.P.T. and of course more 88 cent tests. The 88 cent test showed nothing really for tonight's test, but SMU there is definitely a line I can see in person. Calling for a beta in the morning if morning tests show a line :-) 13dpo when I wake up. Nips still sore, fell asleep during test, hungry as all get out...thinking this is a good sign.

Here We Go Again....

Cramps are here.
I feel bloated.
No spotting (yet).
Bbs and nips back to hurting.

I gained a pound...

And a faint line that I am sure I see but hubby does not.

I dont think a picture will pick it up but it is there compared to yesterdays. It is a real squinter. Probably be picking a couple more tests up tonight.

I dont know how reliable the 88 cent ones are, any one have any experience with them?

UGH! 3 more days and I will know for sure if I am seeing BFP on a hpt or AF on my tp.

Facebook & Trip to Meijer.

So facebook today I have currently 1 newly born baby updates, 1 who just announced pregnancy (at least she is 3 months almost), another 26 weeks, another just passed her due date, and thankfully another woman I know is pregnant but not blowing up my feed with baby gaga. Then there are the under 1 year olds (oiy). Let's just call it BabyBook instead of facebook.

Then I go to Meijer and they double coupons, and wipes were 2 bucks. And I had a coupon for 50 cents. BUT I couldn't get mysellf to buy it....because I didn't want to "jinx" anything. Really? How irrational! First of alll one dollar for wipes that can be used for other things is a steal! 2 I really dont believe in jinxes NOR do I think I can bbecome more "jinxed" if it was a real possibility. 3. I realized baby aisles are still way depressing for me.

Idk for sure how many dpo I am, assuming about 6. Crampy/pulling on right side still. Not trying to get excited, but feeling it and hope bbubbling up inside. Could God bbless us this month? Yes. Will he? I cannot tell you.

17 months. 17 months of a roller coaster where things such as facebook and the grocery store can flip a switch in you like *snap* that!

Tonight I even passed the hpts and thought to myself, you are going to need one this cycle. Is it God or wishful thinking. Idk a week or so will tell, but until then I am going to work on keeping my pessimistic annoyed attitude down, and bring up the joyful optimistic Jessica.

I have a BIG God. He can move mountains. But as other have talked about maybe God hasnt granted us a baby yet because he has better plans for us. Maybe we are meant for something more. Maybe our future child is meant for something more. I have to cling to hope, and during this time I chose to remain faithful to God and do my darndest to do all I can to follow his will in my life.

Blog Changes & Thankful for YOU!

Do you like the new design? I did steal the background and downloaded a header and personalized it. But I LOVE it! I am hoping to be adding some more slowly but surely, as well as starting a family blog for my friends and family that I do not want to share all of this crazy personal TTC info with.

This blog will remain my favorite, because I cannot imagine life without all of you. You give me hope, remind me of times past, help me heal, and allow me to fully grieve everything infertility and loss related. You are true friends that I wish I could meet face to face and allow my shoulder for you to cry on.

A lot of the times you are more understanding and loving than those in my "real" life (you know what I mean, right?). I am SO incredibly BLESSED and THANKFUL to have you in my life.

We have a couple of friends that know our journey, they have a son together, and once worried about not being able to get pregnant. They should be able to empathize and such. But they don't. We have tried to get together with them but it never works out, and it is ALWAYS us calling them. I am ready to give up on the friendship. I cried, and cried, when I finally came to this point. Because honestly, we kind of think the reason they are avoiding us is because she may be pregnant again. And that my friends, is not a friend at all, a friend would sensitively break it to you. She would know my heart, and know that we will be happy for them, but sad for us (and jealous as all get out to be honest...).

We have another couple of friends that have been amazing to have. She personally has been through infertility and loss. She cries with me. And dreams with me. And gives me hope. When she is pregnant again, she will be one I will be able to cry with on her shoulder if need be. She will handle our friendship with care. And her husband is SO good for James. He is a strong believer in God, and helps James to verbalize and think about how the emotions of men and women are different many times when it comes to ttc and infertility.

Then their are single friends that like to ignore the elephant in the room, their are single friends that like to occasionally ask how things are going, a couple that asks how things are going once in a blue moon...but asks GOOD questions so she can know how to talk about things and be educated with her clients, and there are friends and family that listen to me more than they want to, but do so without making me feel even more small and broken.

We are blessed by them and by you! I am in the tww, about 5dpo give or take. I have had some sharp cramping off and on my lower right abdomen...which amazingly is right where my uterus is located. I now know when I feel ovulation from left, or when I feel cramping at this point on that side to just relax and know this month isn't it. But this month? I am hopeful, but know that it is ENTIRELY up to God. It doesn't matter when we have sex, or how many times, or what lube we use. If God wants us to get pregnant, it will happen.

I got to this point by it dawning on me...we got pregnant 2 months in a row in 2010. With one fallopian tube. Take that statistics! I have a BIG God that can make me ovulate 2 months in a row from the same side, and allow ONE incident of sex without a condom produce a little bean. I am leaning on God. He may lead me towards IUI, but as of right now...I am depending on my ultimate physician to guide the sperm and allow the conception to happen in a safe place of my uterus.

James and I did talk about adopting embryos. And I really feel this is something God would bless in the future, not at this point in time...but the future. And I have educated so many friends this past week about it. I really wouldn't be surprised if in the future they will adopt one this way if unable to conceive a child naturally.

Anyways, you know what I am going to say...Homework is calling! And so is sleep! May the best one win ;-)

Edit: OH MY GOODNESS. I told myself I would stop getting excited about looking at expected due dates on CTP, but guess what my due date would be approximately if we got pregnant this cycle? My BIRTHDAY. 11/16/2012 Would that not be amazing. To have a baby due 2 years after my first pregnancy and loss. On my 25th birthday. Ok, done dreaming. God knows if it will happen or not. ♥

Prayer Request and Update on Life

First off prayer request.
I don't want to share too much of what will probably be the most amazing thing to tell all of us, but Crystal at the blog I Think It Is Time had her triplets Sunday. She is doing well and the babies are in the NICU. Prayers would be appreciated. I haven't gotten an update yet today, so I am just praying all is well. So keep Crystal, her husband, and their new little bambinos in your prayers!! She was a little over 26 weeks along so it was unexpected this early! ♥ Love you Crystal! and Congrats Momma!!

Oh and I forgot...

I have EWCM again...super weird. Maybe I tried Oing CD11ish and didnt. And now CD 17 I am gearing up to O again. Cramping this time is on right side. (so maybe there is a chance for this month?!?)

Being as close of a friend to Dr.Google as I am...I consulted. And found that a small percent of women do ovulate two seperate times in a month. When they do it is about a week apart. Weird huh! Some women have twins this way that measure differently. That would certainly be concerning if you didnt know you might have ovulated 2x that month!

Anywho, I am exhausted and sleep is calling.

Researching Grants

I decided to look up grants for help of those facing infertility.

One was extensive about financial aspect, and HAD to go towards IVF. I want to try IUI. So scratch that one.

Another one you could use it for IUI, but you had to have a "normal uterus" seriously quote right there. Talk about a cut to the heart.

One that I did find was that caught my eye was for embryo adoption. This is something I definitely would consider. I kind of smiled when it said "mult-ethnic" embryo donations. It kind of made me smile/giggle to think about giving birth to a little chocolate baby (and I mean this in a non-racist way!!). I am ghost white so to see an African Baby (or any other ethnicity!!) come out at birth would be quite a site. :-) I would not be against another ethnicity for an adopted embryo. Something to pray about because it immediately made my heart happy to think about (This is the link: NightLight.Org They also do other adoptions as well).

http://www.chancetohope.org/ --- This cite has multiple resources for those considering adoption and infertility assistance.

One I am considering applying to is http://www.parenthoodforme.org/ They take recommendation letters into affect, along with finances. This application is due by April 30, 2012. I have a decision to make.

Can I take the time here soon to go to the RE? because they require a letter with a header from the doctor stating what is causing our infertility. Can I make myself focus on school and getting things around for the application? Could we afford a child here at home if we conceived and carried to term?

M being here has changed our what already was going to be a rocky situation. Gah! I would have to step out in faith and believe that if we were to get picked, God would know we would be able to afford the precious little dream we hold in our hearts. I think I am going to go for it. I will wait and see how the next couple of weeks go and then make the call to the RE.

Updates

Britney's Brother was released home tonight. He has a back brace he has to wear for the next three months while his fractures heal. He should have been quite a bit worse off she said, especially considering the condition of driver and passenger. Thank you for your prayers!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok so this topic doesn't fit with the above...but guess who got EWCM at CD11?!?! THIS girl >>>>ME! This has NEVER happened before! The earliest I have seen it was CD 14 way back when we first started ttc. Of course I don't know if I ovulated because I am not using OPKs or temping, but now wishing I was.

Wowza. Still planning on a 32 day cycle, but poas might begin at CD30 depending how I feel. Or if AF isnt here by then. Because if I did O then AF should be here in 12ish days. Would be the shorted cycle for me to date.

Praying and trying not to get TOO hopeful.

Need to kick it in gear after this weekend my diet wasn't the greatest.
And I am thinking about trying to pick up some day shifts soon at work...3 days a pay period isn't going to cut it....especially since I am dreaming of an IUI in May on top of all of my Maid of Honor duties and such! If it doesnt happen til July I won't be heart broken. But really I am hoping the IUI savings fund turns into a baby fund. We will see..... =D

Love ya ladies!

Bipolar Much?

I have been a complete roller coaster of emotions. Finally Monday I said this is enough.

I found worship music that spoke to my heart. I worshiped God fully, stretched arms out, tears falling down my face, and face on the cold cement floor. I told God "I am going to worship you with my every move." So I worshiped as I cried, doing laundry. I thanked him for the things I am currently blessed with: a warm house, a loving husband, a perfect puppy dog, and God that loves me for me.

I think what helped tremendously was my breaking moment Monday night. Where I cried and cried, and couldn't stop crying. I mourned over our loss. I wrote and I worshiped God that night. That and the gumption of getting off my bum and moving it to get some endorphines flowing!

James recommended that I watch Kim Walker's testimony. I would link but I am on my phone and it is too much of a pain. I watched it, and cried and cried. God loves me, and I am sure that I give Him as much joy as she did as He created her. And same with you. It was so amazing to hear the vision that God placed in her heart to witness how much he loves her. Youtube it, you wont be disappointed!

A song that really spoke to me was one from The Story titled "Who But You" it is Abraham and Sarah's song. Oh boy was that a song that made the tears fall. Because who but God, in all of our infertility struggles could get us to dare the dream of having children? We hope because he allows us to have hope. We are persevering through these struggles because He has allowed us hope, and my prayer for all of us is if pregnancy isn't something he has planned for us that the yearning would slowly fade and be replaced with a plan that matches more with God's.

While I hope and pray pregnancy is for me, I also have to pray that God would help my heart change to what His plan is. For now, I know adoption is in our future but I also have this hope that one day I will get to tell you about getting a dark positive, seeing our baby's heartbeat, feeling the flutters, seeing my husband's face as he feels his first kick, our birthing story, and all that goes with motherhood.

Who but You, Lord. Would let me keep the hope alive in spite of all that is against us? I am amazed by You. Angry at times, but know you are in control and that I shouldn't fear. Because, after all, if God is for me, who can be against me?!

Hope you all are having a fabulous night. ♥

Nothing Like Last Minute & Other IF Ramblings

(Warning: This post gets pretty deep, and is pretty darn long. Don't say I didn't warn ya. Because I did/am!!)

Ok, So nothing like Good Ol' Jess... Procrastinator. Only this time it isn't entirely my fault. I was sick sick sick! Like sleeping for 20ish hours in a day sick. No joke. I called into work Saturday night. So now I am a little freaked about where my occurances are....eeeek.

At our work we go by occurances and tardies. You get one point towards occurances if calling in on a week day, and a point and a half when calling in on a weekend. As a part-time employee I can have 5. Same with tardies, 5 points you can have and being late up to an hour (or leaving an hour early) equals one point towards tardies.

I called in Thursday and Saturday. That right there my friends = 2.5 occurances. If you get 5 you are "let go" and usually rehired if you are a good employee. BUT you loose seniority and the time you have worked there. Meaning it wouldn't be a year in March, meaning I wouldn't be up to get FMLA if ever necessary. Here is where the stressfulness begins. It all is pending back in January if they got there together and fixed my occurances from the fender bender call in. If that call in got fixed, I should be down 2 in January from the 3.5 they told me I was at. Meaning 1.5, which would put me currently at 4. If they haven't fixed the books from January...add 2. Meaning 6. And me fighting to keep my job. Que stress...NOW!!!


Ok So Monday I have to call our Director of Nursing to make sure it was fixed. And then Call our scheduling lady to make sure my points are adjusted accordingly. Gah!!

Oh and I have just started attempting to study tonight for my massive exam Tuesday. 75 questions. I need to get at least 44 right to pass the class. Nothing like last minute crunch time. This blows. I haven't been getting worse than a 80% on the tests which means I should get about 60 out of 75 right minimum. But we shall see. Que freaking out....NOW!!!

This blows my friends. I so wish I could have been better to study my butt off for this last exam, so I wouldn't feel so behind for this one. I wanted to start studying Saturday night but I called in feeling like shiza (and work was Ca-RAAAAZY Friday night) and today was spent being family day. We went to Brother in Law (Booger) and his family. I spent the afternoon playing babies, cars, and being climbed on by two beautiful girls and their dog Skeeter (who is a great dane and thinks he is a lap dog...cutest thing ever!). Looking forward to meeting my newest niece, whose arrival will be in May.

I would like to mention a comment that stung this weekend. I know he meant nothing by it, but sensitive tired me caught it and couldn't shake it. When playing babies with the girls, one was being left behind and I said, "Oh is Uncle James going to be the baby-sitter? Or do you want me to grab this baby too?" joking around. James replied, "I am definitely not the baby-sitter!" And Booger said, "You might be some day."

Might. We have officially changed over into the might world for those that know our infertility problems. No longer will. That's like saying, "You might be a dad someday." No. He will be a dad one day. Even if the baby doesn't grow in my womb, our baby (or babies!) will have grown in our hearts. And that is all that should matter.

But sometimes, as ashamed of it as I am to admit. I really REALLY would love the both/and story. Pregnancy & Adoption through Foster Care & maybe even international adoption. Best of all worlds. I don't know if I will give up on the possibility of pregnancy. I want to experience it, and experience the joy and wonder when meeting a little being half me and half James for the first time.

And these thoughts...they don't stop to be honest. It goes on and on, like when James said he kind of wonders if a couple of our good friends are pregnant again.

It brought up a good topic between us. The differences between men and women maybe. He said to me, he didn't know if he was just be sensitive and looking for it. But it seemed like she was showing her previous early pregnancy symptoms. I told him that I just expect it, I prepare for it. Because it hurts worse when I am not expecting it. It still hurts when I hear it (or see it on facebook...) but it tends to hurt less when I am anticipating the blow. Like knowing the slap is coming to the other cheek.

He then said something along the lines of, "It isn't like I won't be happy for them, because I will!"
He will, undoubtedly. And it gave us a time to recognize the fact that if and when our next friend comes out with a pregnancy announcement...I will be happy for them, but sad for us. And jealous. Quite green, I will admit it.

Which lead me to another point, I told him it is to the point where I am trying to mentally prepare for my best friend, who isn't even married yet, to announce to me that she is pregnant. Because, I can feel it...it will happen before James and I. By the end of this year I bet. And God is letting me know our first months of IUI probably won't work. But naturally and probably quickly it will for them. And my friends, as much as I would like to say it won't change our friendship...I am afraid it will. I am scared for it.

Because it seems, for me, the longer I am on the road of infertility...it doesn't get easier. It gets harder. The road gets rougher, and I am dreary and worn out from the road behind us. The longer we are on this IF road the more tears seem to appear in relationships all around me (family, friends, with God, with my husband). Infertility isn't something I would wish on anyone.

 I can't say that last comment, Long Term Infertility (over a year, more than a loss) isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't say I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Because being honest, sometimes in my green little mind I think about women that get pregnant with ease and take it for granted, that choose abortion, that say hurtful things to us infertile women without any emotion, that do drugs when pregnant, sometimes I wish God had granted them the infertility disease and not me. And that is the honest truth.

Judge me if you wish, hateful bitter infertile woman I am I suppose (I've been called it, so it must mean it is true?) but sometimes I feel that way. If I was the one handing out infertility and fertility the world would probably be a very different place. And that is why I am not God. I am Jessica, a daughter of God, an infertile woman angry with God, and sad woman for allowing myself to be stuck in this place with all of these horrid feelings.

CD 1

Cycle Day 1 for me is usually hard. Today it wasn't bad. Though, I did have to fight the urge of calling my OB to get clomid.

13 weeks til I had planned being done with NT/NP (aka...no medicines). Thirteen. Think I can lose 20lbs in 13 weeks? I wish I could join the gym.... Stupid money!!

So...who wants my Birthday Cake ice cream in the freezer? No more on our grocery list.

Because counting calories is what I have always went back to since we did Prism....I just looked up how many I would need to eat each day to maintain how much I weigh. 2,160. Holy Toots!!!

If I cut 500 calories a day, without exercise I should loose a pound a week. That makes my goal 1,660. When doing prism I was eating about 1,300 a day...and exercising occasionally. If I can exercise off the 300 calories additionally each day....walah...20 lbs in 13 weeks. And I could do a cycle with Clomid. :-D and if we had money do the cycle with an RE and add an IUI with it (praying for this to come true!!)

So bring on the fruits and veggies. So long sugary sweets, hello nuts and sunflower seeds! Good bye regular soda, hello flavored water. Good bye hours sitting on my butt on pinterest, hello Bob Harper!

I will weigh myself in the AM and go back to Weight Loss Wednesday!

Yup. False. Hope. And Other Infertility Ramblings.

13dpo and brown spotting. BFN. And crushed hopes. AF should be here Wednesday or before.

I truly cannot express the feelings in my heart 100% to a woman that has not experienced infertility and loss.

But here is my attempt....

Think of the one big thing you yearned to obtain/experience/earn, but when you got close to it you didn't get it. You either got so close and had it ripped out of your finger tips, or never even got to experience the excitement from the true possibility that it could be yours for the taking! Once you realize this isn't it, it isn't yours for the taking... You feel like a failure. Your life has to change, you have to accept a new path to take. Do you go for it again? If so do you keep your same method? Do you switch it up and try another venue to reach your dream? Or do you give up on it?

That's what it is like. Yearning to be a mother, an innate thing built into (most) women. Wishing to experience pregnancy. Having every sign and symptom under the sun. Only to get another visit from the nasty lady in red and the dreaded single pink line. OR you get to experience the hopefulness rise up inside of you. Early "promises" of life shown via two lines! Only to have the life snatched out of your uterus and have to experience the worst period in your life, emotionally and physically. And mentally. Because regardless of where the woman lands on infertility she still has choices to make.

TTC w/o medical help? TTC w/o an RE? TTC w/RE? IUI? Injectibles? Oral medication? IVF? Donor Embryos? Adoption? Or living a life childless?

I can cross off the last choice. That isn't for me.

I can tell you what being the last couple on one side of the family to have kids.

It means when we want to see any part of the family...our timing isn't most important (we don't have kids to plan around)

It means we don't get phone call updates or "hey how are ya doing?" calls (We don't have cute grand kids/ niece or nephews to talk to).

It means we get to hear the "enjoy being childless" comments.
Or the "So when are you guys going to start a family..." comments (which honestly are now becoming few and far between...same with the "when you guys are parents...." or "you will make good parents..." I think some have given up on it...)
Or from the ones who know we are experiencing infertility "God has a plan" or "just be patient"
Or better yet...the silence. No how are things going? No how was the latest procedure? Or what is the next step? Nothing. Silence about our infertility. Silence about one of the biggest things impacting our life at the moment.

No acknowledgement or "hey, what can we be praying for?" Or "If there is anything we can do to help out let us know (like helping with M when I have school, work, and someday another procedure/test)"

We don't get asked to babysit. Or invited to do dinner. We my friends, are the last couple to have a baby. The child challenged couple. With a teenager living under our roof and a grim outlook on any possibility of pregnancy.

I am feeling down today, can you blame me? I had all of this anxious hope bubbling up from so many different areas, and now...brown. spotting. Negative tests. And an increase in urge to eat chocolate. I need to stick to my guns though and make myself lose 20lbs before we do any other treatment or medical intervention. Even though when AF really starts I am going to have to fight the urge to make the call and ask for clomid.

Gah. Feeling hopeless and wishing for good news and good changes to come (by good changes I mean ones that will be best for us and be something we have been wishing for....)

Sleep is calling. Thank goodness I don't have to work tonight.

False Hope Once Again?

Despite my crazy brain telling me this is it! Despite my co-worker telling me she thought I was pregnant. Despite my three various pregnancy dreams (which were crazy let me tell you)...I even took progesterone in mean of this false hope. Where did it get me?

Constipation. Sore tatas. Excessive Fatigue. And spotting today. At 12dpo.

I'm not pregnant, I am saying it is over. And onto the next cycle.

Oh and my aunt is pregnant. She is 10 weeks with her second child. Granted she is a younger aunt, but it makes me think....seriously? When is it going to be our turn?

And then today I realized my problem with tithing. Shocker as I know it will be...it comes down to our infertility and loss. We were giving well beyond our 10%, we gave to the building fund, the music fund, tithed ever week, gave to a christian radio station, and sponsored a child in the Dominican Republic. And then we experienced loss.

After loss.

And then more losses.

And subconsciously (and maybe a little consciously...) I started having a bad attitude. If God couldn't protect us from all of the losses, and all of this infertility...why the heck was I continuing to give to him. If he wasn't giving me the desires of my heart, then why the heck would I give my tithe? Others that weren't giving their tithe were getting pregnant. Others that weren't trying were being blessed. And then there was us? And I started thinkin, seriously...where are you God in all of this?

I need to get out of that mentality. I am stuck in it, I won't lie. I am being brutally open and honest. I am prideful. Why give to a God that isn't showing himself to us in the area that is hurting us the most? Hence our giving was down substantially in spite of us making more this year.

I have decided that Job 10:22 describes infertility perfectly...

"It is a land as dark as midnight, a land of gloom and confusion, where even the light is as dark as midnight."

But I think Romans 12:12 gives us good advice...

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

It amazes me that throughout this infertility experience we keep the hope alive deep inside, yearning for it to come true. But are we patient always. Definitely not (for me anyways). And I know I have been horrid at praying lately.

So I promise, I will soon be back to where I was in the past. Loving God and praying to him all the time with all circumstances. I vow to getting back to tithing. And getting back to being a more positive blogger once more.

I am busy, but I cannot be too busy for God, hope, and prayer.

♥ Jess

TTC: from Uterus to insane hope.

I had the MRI teacher at the college I attend show me my uterus. So now that I know where it is, I can save a pic and show you guys soon! Aren't you excited? Hahaha.

Also I am 10dpo and holding onto crazy hope. I know it has happened before that feeling of, I am pregnant this month...I know it!...and then AF shows begrudgingly. usually I have some sort of doubt that nags at me. This time the only, maybe I'm not thought is with small cramps in my uterus. My bbs hurt. My n.ips are sore, I am exhausted, and I am incredibly klutzy.

Then a coworker that knows what ttc with infertility is like, looks at me after seeing me drop a cup of liquid all over the floor, and says, "You know what they say...."
"Well I don't know what they say, but if it is what I think it might be, I hope the saying is true."
"I think your pregnant."
"....well that would be nice."
"No really, and I am usually pretty darn good at it."
"Well...I hope so!"

So we will see. I have been thinking this is it. This is the month. We will see. But I just had this overwhelming feeling that soon I will have our take home baby.

And it makes me cry a little every time I allow the thought to circulate through my brain. Regardless if this month is it...God is Good because he has helped me to allow hope back into my darkened heart.

And what if I am pregnant? I would be due in October. And I would be one crazy happy woman, but until bfp I should try to keep dreaming to minimum and feel on the ground....

Your PUPO friend. (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)
♥

Updates

Follow Up - Not sure if I posted on my follow up appointment but here is what I learned:
~There is a possibility I have double ureters coming from Kidneys on both sides, this is why radiology recommended at CT scan. But doc said unless I have a burning desire to know and want to pay additional test fees, to just relax and store the info so in case there is an issue in the future. Such as problems with kidneys or urination, or a necessary hysterectomy.
~Anxiety meds are a possibility but we agreed exercise would probably be the best medicine in this case. We talked about her patient's side effects on the three main meds she prescribes those ttc or pregnant: Zoloft, Celexa, and Wellbutrin (sp?). Main concern she has heard with Zoloft - decreased sex drive, Celexa - inability to achieve orgasm (What?!?! That is no fun!), and Welbutrin - increase in sex drive.
~the cyst on my left ovary was/is hemorrhagic. Meaning it bleed into itself. On u/s it appeared to be in the diminishing stage. Said u/s could be done for my piece of mind. I declined. (And as you will see later, am now kicking self).
~The fibroids I have are very very tiny and not in a region where it should affect ttc and pregnancy loss. Phew! A big relief!
~ We agreed that ttc is best put on back burner until stress/anxiety die down. And that IUI wouldn't be a bad idea. She knows the doctor that would be doing my treatment so she seemed very at ease and content with all that would be in future.

Me
~ I am having pains near my left (surprise surprise) ovary. Now wondering what in the world is going on!?! It hurts way worse when I move, but varies between a preasure/ache to a sharp pain when sitting still. I am going to take tylenol and see if it gets better...but i can tel you one thing. I am wishing I would have done the u/s. Have called phone nurse and should hear from her tomorrow. If it isn't one thing it is another. Oiy.
~ The calls have began "please pay this medical bill." "Can we set up a payment plan?" I would if I could, and yes please. But no I do not have $40 to pay additional to 4 different places this month.
~ Blue Cross still hasn't paid towards my HSG. So my ob office says I owe them 255 still....what?!
~ James and I have been bickering more about finances. I am having a hard time letting go and letting him do all the finances and bill pay. I need to...I am not superwoman.
~ I have another exam tomorrow. Be praying I do much better this time!
~Did I mention my ovary is hurting, ouch! =(
~ Or maybe that I have experienced fatigue, dizziness, irritability, sore bbs this week an am currently about 8 or 9dpo I believe. (Will have to double check...), I am hoping this is it with my heart but my head says we are not ready financially!

M - had court today for sentencing. 18 months very strict probation, 5 consecutive weekends (starting this Saturday), and lots of community service hours necessary. Plus an additional fine (thankfully is less than 150). Mandatory counseling, and possible out patient treatment for alcoholism (I believe).

In the words or Porky Pig, "Well that's all folks!" I have laundry calling my name, studying needing to be done, dishing wanting to be cleaned, and a floor that needs to be vacuumed.

To those still TTC - keep up the faith. One day we will both be mommies, one way or another! Praying for the peace, strength, and wisdom to continue down whichever path God calls us to.

To those with round expanding bellies - enjoy this time, and blog everything so I can live vicariously through you! =) Praying for healthy pregnancies and babies to you.

To those with baby in arms - cherish your lovelies! You are truly blessed, post pictures and events for me too goo goo and gaga over while dreaming of one day being a mother. Praying for continued sanity on sleepless nights, healthy marriages, healthy babies, and healthy mommy.

May God bless you all and allow his face to shine upon you and give you peace.

As a fellow blogger reminded me this week, God did not give us the spirit of fear. So of whom shall I be afraid? No one. I will look to God in the good times and bad, and know he is beside me even in the muck of life! God is good. Even when I want to scream violent cuss words at him. =)