False Hope Once Again?

Despite my crazy brain telling me this is it! Despite my co-worker telling me she thought I was pregnant. Despite my three various pregnancy dreams (which were crazy let me tell you)...I even took progesterone in mean of this false hope. Where did it get me?

Constipation. Sore tatas. Excessive Fatigue. And spotting today. At 12dpo.

I'm not pregnant, I am saying it is over. And onto the next cycle.

Oh and my aunt is pregnant. She is 10 weeks with her second child. Granted she is a younger aunt, but it makes me think....seriously? When is it going to be our turn?

And then today I realized my problem with tithing. Shocker as I know it will be...it comes down to our infertility and loss. We were giving well beyond our 10%, we gave to the building fund, the music fund, tithed ever week, gave to a christian radio station, and sponsored a child in the Dominican Republic. And then we experienced loss.

After loss.

And then more losses.

And subconsciously (and maybe a little consciously...) I started having a bad attitude. If God couldn't protect us from all of the losses, and all of this infertility...why the heck was I continuing to give to him. If he wasn't giving me the desires of my heart, then why the heck would I give my tithe? Others that weren't giving their tithe were getting pregnant. Others that weren't trying were being blessed. And then there was us? And I started thinkin, seriously...where are you God in all of this?

I need to get out of that mentality. I am stuck in it, I won't lie. I am being brutally open and honest. I am prideful. Why give to a God that isn't showing himself to us in the area that is hurting us the most? Hence our giving was down substantially in spite of us making more this year.

I have decided that Job 10:22 describes infertility perfectly...

"It is a land as dark as midnight, a land of gloom and confusion, where even the light is as dark as midnight."

But I think Romans 12:12 gives us good advice...

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

It amazes me that throughout this infertility experience we keep the hope alive deep inside, yearning for it to come true. But are we patient always. Definitely not (for me anyways). And I know I have been horrid at praying lately.

So I promise, I will soon be back to where I was in the past. Loving God and praying to him all the time with all circumstances. I vow to getting back to tithing. And getting back to being a more positive blogger once more.

I am busy, but I cannot be too busy for God, hope, and prayer.

♥ Jess