Blessed

I am blessed.  Blessed because I now know the strength that God has given me. It was only through my weakness and brokeness that I found this strength.

Such has been my life. I will not let poor circumstances ruin me. The sun will always come up again and laughter cures many ailments of the heart.

I am struggling but strong. I may be struck down.  But I am not destroyed. I am a warrior battling through these moments that God allows me to go through because he knows I will choose Him. I have doubted God. I questioned why. And He still kept on loving me.

I am not perfect. But I am loved. And I am definitely blessed.

Blessed with one in my lap and 8 in heaven. What a joy it will be to meet them all one day.

I will be. (Ramblings in the Night)

I will be pregnant again one day.
With a baby that is meant to stay.
I will be fit again
And work out to my DVD of Bob and Jillian.

I with find my faith strong,
Instead of grappling for it in the dark.
After thing after thing goes wrong.
I will let Him be my guiding force.

I will.

But right now?

I will cry at life's unfairness.
And drink a large glass of wine.
I will say "God I just don't get it!"
And plead "God maybe next time?"

I will eat a milky way and drink some vernors.
Laugh at TV shows.
And allow my day to continue on.
I will dream and hope as no one could ever know.

For life to give us a break.
For there to not be as much of a fight.
Just to stay afloat.
I will be okay though.

I will be, but right now...I am not.

But I will be. Give me a few days. Or maybe even a week. I have bounced back before. And again I will.

Shitty Day

545 am stuck in Mom's drive....until 1 pm
AAA never came.

515 pm stuck in my driveway.

Come inside.  Smells like dog shit.
Yup Jill pooped in her kennel.
So now she needs a bath.

Go to go potty to use test I just bought at store. ..red spotting. Miscarriage.

Fan - freaking - tactic

Car still stuck btw. Jill still needs a bath. And I need a vacation.

Sick

Seriously sick of this dang weather here in Michigan. Winter can be over any day now and I would not be sad in the least bit. I wish work had snow days, or we had 2 four wheel drive vehicles because I am afraid of losing my job from not being able to get to work (or drop Matthew off so I can get to work...).

And also unsure if it is in my head or what but I am having nausea when I don't eat for awhile or try drinking a bunch of water at once. I just asked James to pick me up a vernors on his way home (and eggs and bread since we didn't go to town today as planned....which also means no more pregnancy tests).

I checked my cervix and it is closed tight and there is no signs of spotting. Also have some sensitive nipples. And only occasional cramping in my uterus area (keeping an eye open for one sidedness but it isn't happening thus far). I am trying to keep a realistic approach to this pregnancy but I am praying pretty audaciously. Asking God to make this one stick and for us to get to meet this little baby.

I have a friend that just found out she is pregnant as well. And if all went as hoped we would be due within days of each other. Beginning of October if you were curious. But with my record....sometime in September.

Hope is a Dangerous Thing

I swore to myself because of the faint lines I would NOT get excited.

But I have came to the decision that every baby deserves excitement about them. Even if it is for a few meager days or even weeks that they are with me.

Anything is possible with God.  ANYTHING. So while these faint pink lines are not the best indicator I am going to do my best to pray to God. Be okay with His decision in all of this and celebrate this small life inside of me.

I am tired of seeing faint pink lines, but yesterday while texting a good friend she said that she has been praying since we had Matthew for us to be blessed with another pregnancy and recently she has begun to see a little girl with dark curly hair and bright blue eyes. Madeline she called her. Which is a name I had been tossing around for a girl. It made me year up. Lots of hope for the future, be it this pregnancy or not...I have to believe that we will have another precious baby one day.

I am out of first response hpts. And used my cheap 88c one. And I have to say I think they have gone down hill from when I used them with Matthew. With the faint pink lines on answer and frer you would think I would have a darker line on the cheapie.

No major cramps and no spotting.  Have had some nausea and nipple pain. Fatigue. Other than that nothing.

Praying for this baby, and hoping God listens to our prayers.

Faint stupid lines

Pretty sure my test today was lighter this morning. But I know my fmu is usually lighter. But I am not feeling very optimistic. But my heart is feeling a bit broken over the likelihood of another loss.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Reality is hard sometimes.

Curse of the Faint Pink Line

First response and cheapie tests both show faint pink lines. Hoping tomorrow's test is darker or not there. Bc I hate this stupid limbo.

So I am pregnant. Again, for the 9th time. With one sleeping boy on my lap. Our miracle. No doubt about it.

And just FYI because I am not feeling overly optimistic, I may have a glass of wine tomorrow night with dinner.

Pregnant?

I wondered why I didnt have any encouraging words in my email when I woke. Turns out yesterday's post is still trying to post and also not letting me open it.

I am currently 7 days late for my AF. I have been getting so cranky.  I used all but one of the 8 cheap tests I bought before and during the wait for my period.

I bought answer hpts and got a faint line on a 2 hour hold. Peed on last cheap test and again another faint line. This morning tested with last answer test...positive.  not blazing but there. And my phone is acting up so I cannot get the best picture.

Will be buying frer today to test again. If they continue to get dark I will get blood work Monday. Lovenox injections start today. Apprehensive and nervously excited.

The tests are pink in real life. I am sure if I was a tweaker I could get them to pop (yesterday I posted to a test tweaker board on BBC and they convinced me it was pink for sure...).

9th pregnancy. Will it end in a 2nd baby?

CD 34

Seriously? I am over this. Someone kick me in the ass to get motivated to lose weight.  Obviously my PCOS is making a crazy comeback. Weight loss is needed. And I am SOOO unmotivated.

I have wasted like 5+ cheapie tests from Walmart this month. A couple have had gray evap and others stark white. I am over this cycle bring back AF. When diagnosed with PCOS I had a 45 day cycle....Praying it doesn't come to that.

34 is hard enough waiting.

Crazy Cycles

I haven't used opks or bbt yet to track my ovulation....but it is coming soon.  Body/mind playing tricks on me. Last month I was 2 days late. This month the day before my period is due I am experiencing sore nips, crazy dreams, insomnia, and nausea.

Either my ovulation is later that I think or my luteal phase is becoming longer than it was pre - Matthew.  Idk...I have tested and they have all been BFNs. Ok a few I thought I saw a start to something but ultimately chalked it up to indent lines bc I couldn't tell color.

Sore nipples for sure though. Crazy vivid dream....mute woman was pregnant. I was her daughter, my father wouldn't let me go but chose my sister instead....and I woke up. Finally fell back asleep...and suddenly I was the pregnant mute woman's nurse. She had an abusive husband. I may have woke up crying. Disturbing to say the least. Oiy! Exhaustion has over come me....I smell a very early bed time.

Weight Update

Well my struggle with weight continues. I am now UP to 211-213 I weighed 192 when I got pregnant and have sufficiently gained almost all of the 24 lbs I lost to get Matthew.

Struggling to find time for me. Struggling to eat healthy on a tight budget. And struggling to not stress eat.

I am out of shape. Broke. And disheartened with myself.

We need to make a change. And I know this. But what the doctor told my husband today definitely makes it more real.

He has a consultation with a clinic in GR for gastric bypass.

He asked what his options were since all he has been doing is playing with a yo yo on the scale....and the doctor said he could go on weight loss pills @ 170 a month or go to the consultation and likely be recommended surgery.

This is because James's dad is 500+ lbs and needs new knees and has struggled with weight. He is not the typical lazy fat person you think of. He is always eating salads. Counting calories. And quite frankly with his weight, bad knees, and arthritis he gets around pretty well.

James getting the surgery would mean less likely to have diseases linked with obesity, not ruining his joints, and finally losing and keeping the weight off.

Part of me says if we are going to make the changes for post op....why not do it now? Then I bring home oreo Klondike bars and Wendy's. Oiy. Big changes ahead for the Hillard household.

Biological Children

I have been praying today and asking God if we will indeed have more biological children after James informing me he felt as if we weren't going to have more than Matthew and a discussion with a good friend I had to sit and ask God.

I haven't felt him tell me no. And I don't think that whisper that I heard before Christmas was from me. What is impossible for men is possible with God. I read back where I was the cycle when I got pregnant with Matthew.

I trusted full heartedly in Him. I decided that prenatals or not, lovenox or not, extra folic acid or not....it was 100% up to God.

I am having the feeling a successful pregnancy isn't going to happen until I find the motivation to lose weight again and our finances are better BUT I haven't given up on hope. We will have another biological baby growing by the time I finish nursing school.

2nd post this week, what?!

I have been itching to write more often lately. But it just isn't the same on my phone. I miss my laptop. I am hoping to get a cheapie to get us by come school refund time.

I have been itching to jump in full heartedly into ttc. But I know I need to work on our finances and need to start eating healthier and exercise.

I didn't set any resolutions per sé. ..but I did set make a list of things I want to work on in 2014:

1) Reading my Bible more often and digging in deeper to my relationship with God.
2) Our finances. Ready to pay off debts and have a savings.
3) Being Healthier. I want to feel good about myself. Exercise.  Drink more water. Eat less junk. Watch my BP a little closer.
4) Have a cleaner more organized home. If we want to consider having another baby we need to be in a better routine for housework and organization.
5) Have one date night a month with James.  Work on our marriage.  Have a night away.

So that's that. Anyways, Matthew needs to be changed and wants "boo" so I have g2g.

Audacious Prayer

I have been trying to set aside time every night for time with God. Reading a devotional, reading chapters out of the Bible, and just trying to dig deeper into my relationship with Him.

Today's entry was on audacious vs conservative prayer. Can you imagine the Bible with conservative prayers only being answered? Lazerus would have never rose from the dead. Joshua would have never beat Jericho. Daniel would have been eaten by a lion. David would have been taken down by his enemies. And Hannah would have remained motherless.

The last part. Made me tear up. Hannah prayed so audaciously that they thought she was drunk. She was a little drunk...on the love and hope for her to carry a little life. She prayed so big that those looking on thought she was not of a normal state of mind.

Are your prayers audacious? Be it praying for a church building that seems impossible (and is 100% impossible without God). Praying for adoption funds. Praying for a miracle cure. Prayers for a baby to be conceived after years of infertility and loss.

Pray audaciously and let God in. You may be surprised by the story he decides to write in your life.

Matthew is my reminder that God still answers audacious prayers. And while people look at me as if I am crazy when I say one day we will actively try for a sibling for Matthew.  I know in my heart God answers audacious prayers.

Even if it means people look at me as if I am drunk and I have to walk through tough times to get to his answer. Audacious prayer is always better than conservative prayers.

Life as Of Lately

Life has been busy but good. We had an ice storm right before Christmas that left us without power for 3 days. Matthew wasn't phased. A propane heater kept the house 64 and we had dance parties with a battery powered alarm clock.

I will post picks of the storm but they are from my phone. My laptop is still broken. There have been many things I have wanted to write about, but my phone isn't my favorite to post from.

I was hopeful for a Christmas miracle.  Instead got AF after a 32 day cycle. I am currently gearing up to ovulate. But the past week I have had cramps off and on near right ovary so I am hoping it isn't a cyst. :-(  we have been making more time for us. ;-) and hoping for a sticky bean.

BUT after James telling me that he was ready for another, he told me earlier this week he had a feeling that Matthew was going to be our own biological child. Oh my did that make my heart sad. I told him I wanted to experience another pregnancy and remained hopeful and that I was getting feelings from God a miracle could be coming our way (though I am now wondering if it is going to be next Christmas by the feelings I had before Christmas. ..).

He then told me one day I would get to experience pregnancy day after day through watching other women deliver babies. It made me cry a little inside and smile because of how insightful my husband is. Because watching a baby be born is a miracle and a blessing. It doesn't get old. I just would love to feel those kicks and jabs one more time. Hold another newborn Baby In My Arms and get to meet my child For the first time.

Anyway. I am ok with life right now....though I am nursing a sore throat and have managed to make another day without losing it. Praise God. and I have to get ready for family Christmas for my husband's side.