Today I am a cloud of doom and gloom.
First I log on to check my email and I get one that says my financial aid payment has increased from 380 to 780 for 2 months. I log on to my school website and low and behold suddenly I don't have financial aid any more? WTH? So I looked and I did my entrance quiz so who knows if my school will fix it before my first payment is due and my acct is drawn into the negative December 5th (seriously I have 12 days to get this fixed and either get my financial aid figured out or find 780 dollars some how...that is more than our house payment!)
Secondly I feel excited for women getting their BFP or good news but then I have this moment of depression for myself. It makes me start thinking that it will never happen for me, that life isn't fair, yada yada yada...negative Nancy I know. I try to change my stinkin' thinkin' but I am SUCKING at it lately.
Thirdly, I seriously had a discussion with my husband last night about going back to TTC simply so we can have sex on a set schedule instead of him being tired or making up excuses because our schedules don't line up. We made it work when TTC but now that we aren't it doesn't. I don't think so, NOT working for me. Ok so I am being a b word about it. I sometimes do think if there is something wrong with James for me to have a bigger sex drive than him. Stupid PCOS.
I am stressed out. Stupid MONEY. We stopped TTC because of money, if financial aid doesn't go through I will have to not go to school because of money. I HATE money. This isn't right, gah I am so ready for once to have one thing work out smooth without too many hiccups.
Lastly, on a whim I decided to get my hair cut last night by a friend. M came over and watched "Once Upon a Time" with me, followed by "Last Man Standing" and "New Girl". At least these shows make me feel good with laughter and their plot lines. An escape for me I suppose. I now have small swoop bangs that are really more like a shorter layer to my plethora of layers. My curls are back! And my hair feels so much lighter. At least I have one thing going for me.
Often things strike my heart and want to come bursting forth. They come spilling out onto the page, or computer screen. With ink filling pages or my fingers flying across the keyboard, my mind going a million miles a minute, and my heart crying out to be heard. Here is where you’ll find those things, my little notes on life.
Little Bit About Me
- Jess
- First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.
Showing posts with label vent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vent. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Anxiety Overload
Seriously...I am so anxious I feel sick and could cry.
Is no news good news?
No news on my Dad.
No news from KCC.
And still BFN on hpt.
Seriously. I can't take this. I feel nauseated. Because it means more time to dream of things going wrong. All the while praying for the best, praying for good things to be coming my way.
15 months a mark I thought I would never reach is only a few short days around the corner. I want my take home rainbow baby damn it!
I want my dad to be okay.
I want to hear from KCC.
I want, I want, I want. But will I receive? I am knocking and asking...God answer my prayers kindly please.
I am beyond frustrated and fed up. It doesn't seem fair that James and I have to struggle Lord. I am angry, and James is at the place again where we need to love you no matter how many miscarriages we have. And he is right. But I feel broken. Broken and unloved at times. I don't need to hear about how God loves me, I know he does. But I still feel this way sometimes.
Same with my Dad. Nothing has he done that condones me being anxious for him. Other than the fact that I am half of his chromosomes. He was far from an exemplary father. He was an ass. Yet, guess what? I still love him. Seriously. I haven't spoken to him warranted for 3 years now. Avoided him even. He chose not to come to my wedding. He cheated on my mother. He punched me in the jaw. He told me that men would only want me for sex, when I was in 7th grade mind you. I saw him throw a hammer at a TV. Break a cologne bottle because he was pissed. Toss a whole pan of Hamburger Helper into the trash because us kids "Didn't leave him enough." I saw him grab a screw driver, then go outside, and low and behold...there were popped tires on my moms car. When police were called? Their theory...popped with a screw driver. I had a friend over when he shot holes in his boat with a 9mm over the argument that he fished too much and we girl scouted too much. I remember cleaning up flour after mom and dad fought throwing it at each other. I remember him claiming that none of us, except for me, were his. I remember him throwing the phone at me and telling me to go ahead and call the cops on him, but I better be hiding when he got out. Telling him he was an ass, because I couldn't call due to the phone being broke. I remember standing up for myself. And hating men. But needing them at the same time. I remember hating my mom because she stayed. Because she wouldn't listen to us about Dad cheating. And my mom hating James because of all Dad had done to wound her. I remember him slamming her fingers in the dresser when we left to go to grandma's once, might have been the Hammer day. I remember dad telling me Mom shook me as a baby. Telling Stacey and Jo bad things about Mom so there would be problems at home, and so *maybe* they would choose him over her, and thus cut out his child support. I remember bad bad days in middle school and in high school because of him. I remember...so many hurtful painful memories because of the man I call my father, or rather my sperm donor.
I remember him crying and hugging me when Grandma Sawdy died. Occasional fun times together. But the mass of memories with him are bad. How do you get over that?
How is it that I got handed the shitty father card, and the infertility card? I know I got handed a good husband. A pretty good set of friends. And now a house. Good pets. Good siblings. And a demeanor that has for the majority of times allowed me to persevere among the deepest of pressures and stress. So really, they aren't the majority number wise. But they feel bigger.
And I feel small and weak.
And so so broken.
Is no news good news?
No news on my Dad.
No news from KCC.
And still BFN on hpt.
Seriously. I can't take this. I feel nauseated. Because it means more time to dream of things going wrong. All the while praying for the best, praying for good things to be coming my way.
15 months a mark I thought I would never reach is only a few short days around the corner. I want my take home rainbow baby damn it!
I want my dad to be okay.
I want to hear from KCC.
I want, I want, I want. But will I receive? I am knocking and asking...God answer my prayers kindly please.
I am beyond frustrated and fed up. It doesn't seem fair that James and I have to struggle Lord. I am angry, and James is at the place again where we need to love you no matter how many miscarriages we have. And he is right. But I feel broken. Broken and unloved at times. I don't need to hear about how God loves me, I know he does. But I still feel this way sometimes.
Same with my Dad. Nothing has he done that condones me being anxious for him. Other than the fact that I am half of his chromosomes. He was far from an exemplary father. He was an ass. Yet, guess what? I still love him. Seriously. I haven't spoken to him warranted for 3 years now. Avoided him even. He chose not to come to my wedding. He cheated on my mother. He punched me in the jaw. He told me that men would only want me for sex, when I was in 7th grade mind you. I saw him throw a hammer at a TV. Break a cologne bottle because he was pissed. Toss a whole pan of Hamburger Helper into the trash because us kids "Didn't leave him enough." I saw him grab a screw driver, then go outside, and low and behold...there were popped tires on my moms car. When police were called? Their theory...popped with a screw driver. I had a friend over when he shot holes in his boat with a 9mm over the argument that he fished too much and we girl scouted too much. I remember cleaning up flour after mom and dad fought throwing it at each other. I remember him claiming that none of us, except for me, were his. I remember him throwing the phone at me and telling me to go ahead and call the cops on him, but I better be hiding when he got out. Telling him he was an ass, because I couldn't call due to the phone being broke. I remember standing up for myself. And hating men. But needing them at the same time. I remember hating my mom because she stayed. Because she wouldn't listen to us about Dad cheating. And my mom hating James because of all Dad had done to wound her. I remember him slamming her fingers in the dresser when we left to go to grandma's once, might have been the Hammer day. I remember dad telling me Mom shook me as a baby. Telling Stacey and Jo bad things about Mom so there would be problems at home, and so *maybe* they would choose him over her, and thus cut out his child support. I remember bad bad days in middle school and in high school because of him. I remember...so many hurtful painful memories because of the man I call my father, or rather my sperm donor.
I remember him crying and hugging me when Grandma Sawdy died. Occasional fun times together. But the mass of memories with him are bad. How do you get over that?
How is it that I got handed the shitty father card, and the infertility card? I know I got handed a good husband. A pretty good set of friends. And now a house. Good pets. Good siblings. And a demeanor that has for the majority of times allowed me to persevere among the deepest of pressures and stress. So really, they aren't the majority number wise. But they feel bigger.
And I feel small and weak.
And so so broken.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Bad Reflections.
Infertility has killed my usual spunk. Of hope and happiness about life.
There are happy moments, there is hope...but small glances.
It currently has killed my want for relationship with God. It is like getting excited over having a plant in your house, only to slowly watch it die. At first you try to tend to it, but eventually you just pass it by.
I am treading water but feeling to weak. If I give in will someone know CPR?
Do I give up, take a break? Pretend that our problems will go away? HOW do I mend this relationship with God?
I know He is real. That He loves me. That He is merciful and will forgive me. But where to start? How to get that passion back for wanting to start. I could easily slip into my old lifestyle, as much as I hate to admit it. I have to change. I know this. Yet I don't.
And then I saw this scripture.
To one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him, it is sin (James 4:17, NASB).
I am a sinner, I know it. But I guess God wanted to point it out...*sigh* I know I need to get back, get "right" with God. But what if I don't know how, which path to take?
I feel convicted. Even at work. My language has become disastrous lately. The F bomb and the B word flies from my lips along with other four letter not-so-sweet words. Then I saw this scripture.
Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29)
To top it off, there is a woman who is coming to our shift. She is rumored (only rumors because I haven't seen it...but everyone else testifies to it...) to lie, to preach on God, to pray over residents without their permission, to bust out in prayer over co-workers. That isn't the Christian I am. I don't even know if that is Christianly period. But who I am to judge. Because just as she is in the wrong. So I am. I feel like a fraud. A fake. A phoney. I have just as big of a plank in my eye as she does.
I got told by a nurse that she loves working with me because I remind her to be a better person. That I have a positive personality and a great outlook on life. I was speechless. I wanted to tell her that's not true, I am just as bad as these people that cuss and swear and gossip about others. I am worse, because I know better but I continue to do so. I have a facade that I feel has cracks, that people should see through. But they aren't. My faith is weak. I am weak.
The parable about the seeds? I used to think I was planted on good healthy ground. But it turns out I must be one of the others. I used to be. But life has messed me up lately.
I still am angry towards she-who-must-not-be-named (I have been wanting to use this...). Bitter even. If she is reading this it would probably upset her. I could say things that would burn like acid probably. But here is what bugs me the most. When people say they can't imagine...it's more like they won't imagine. When they don't take the time to try to understand, to walk in the other person's shoes...they are saying, "I don't care." She doesn't care. It is obvious. And I have to deal with it. Because obviously it isn't going to bother her, she doesn't care.
I care. I try to get her to understand, but I need to give up. Probably pray for her. Because I cannot get through to her.
And you want to know what else has been bouncing around in this jumbled up ranting mess I call my thoughts? IVF. I used to say, NO WAY would we go there. But now...I start to think. If we can't? What if? I would do it. I would add on another loan. I would. I used to think women that talked on the boards that I read info from when googling where crazy. Now I am one of them (and quite possibly could be what I thought...crazy). I used to think that IVF was a waste of money, but now I understand why they decide to go for it. Because without pregnancy sometimes you feel devalued as a woman. A wasted being. I now get it. And I wish I didn't.
I wish the pain of infertility. The pain of loss, the unknowing in the waiting...I wish it didn't exist. If I could take away others pain, I would. And guess what? I KNOW God could, but he still makes us wait, or continues to say No. And if I go down that path....I start to think about why God would choose to place this curse of infertility on us. What we could have done to cause it. It is a scary place to be. I used to think it was mildly a blessing. To be able to be kind and caring towards other women because I know too badly what it is like to walk the dusty beaten path, especially when you feel alone and hurt by others. But now? Now I question it.
I have potentially one more cycle on Clomid before we take at least a month break. I would love for my prayer doodle to still come true. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Sleep is finally calling me. And I must oblige. I hope tomorrow is filled with more hope.
There are happy moments, there is hope...but small glances.
It currently has killed my want for relationship with God. It is like getting excited over having a plant in your house, only to slowly watch it die. At first you try to tend to it, but eventually you just pass it by.
I am treading water but feeling to weak. If I give in will someone know CPR?
Do I give up, take a break? Pretend that our problems will go away? HOW do I mend this relationship with God?
I know He is real. That He loves me. That He is merciful and will forgive me. But where to start? How to get that passion back for wanting to start. I could easily slip into my old lifestyle, as much as I hate to admit it. I have to change. I know this. Yet I don't.
And then I saw this scripture.
To one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him, it is sin (James 4:17, NASB).
I am a sinner, I know it. But I guess God wanted to point it out...*sigh* I know I need to get back, get "right" with God. But what if I don't know how, which path to take?
I feel convicted. Even at work. My language has become disastrous lately. The F bomb and the B word flies from my lips along with other four letter not-so-sweet words. Then I saw this scripture.
To top it off, there is a woman who is coming to our shift. She is rumored (only rumors because I haven't seen it...but everyone else testifies to it...) to lie, to preach on God, to pray over residents without their permission, to bust out in prayer over co-workers. That isn't the Christian I am. I don't even know if that is Christianly period. But who I am to judge. Because just as she is in the wrong. So I am. I feel like a fraud. A fake. A phoney. I have just as big of a plank in my eye as she does.
I got told by a nurse that she loves working with me because I remind her to be a better person. That I have a positive personality and a great outlook on life. I was speechless. I wanted to tell her that's not true, I am just as bad as these people that cuss and swear and gossip about others. I am worse, because I know better but I continue to do so. I have a facade that I feel has cracks, that people should see through. But they aren't. My faith is weak. I am weak.
The parable about the seeds? I used to think I was planted on good healthy ground. But it turns out I must be one of the others. I used to be. But life has messed me up lately.
I still am angry towards she-who-must-not-be-named (I have been wanting to use this...). Bitter even. If she is reading this it would probably upset her. I could say things that would burn like acid probably. But here is what bugs me the most. When people say they can't imagine...it's more like they won't imagine. When they don't take the time to try to understand, to walk in the other person's shoes...they are saying, "I don't care." She doesn't care. It is obvious. And I have to deal with it. Because obviously it isn't going to bother her, she doesn't care.
I care. I try to get her to understand, but I need to give up. Probably pray for her. Because I cannot get through to her.
And you want to know what else has been bouncing around in this jumbled up ranting mess I call my thoughts? IVF. I used to say, NO WAY would we go there. But now...I start to think. If we can't? What if? I would do it. I would add on another loan. I would. I used to think women that talked on the boards that I read info from when googling where crazy. Now I am one of them (and quite possibly could be what I thought...crazy). I used to think that IVF was a waste of money, but now I understand why they decide to go for it. Because without pregnancy sometimes you feel devalued as a woman. A wasted being. I now get it. And I wish I didn't.
I wish the pain of infertility. The pain of loss, the unknowing in the waiting...I wish it didn't exist. If I could take away others pain, I would. And guess what? I KNOW God could, but he still makes us wait, or continues to say No. And if I go down that path....I start to think about why God would choose to place this curse of infertility on us. What we could have done to cause it. It is a scary place to be. I used to think it was mildly a blessing. To be able to be kind and caring towards other women because I know too badly what it is like to walk the dusty beaten path, especially when you feel alone and hurt by others. But now? Now I question it.
I have potentially one more cycle on Clomid before we take at least a month break. I would love for my prayer doodle to still come true. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Sleep is finally calling me. And I must oblige. I hope tomorrow is filled with more hope.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My Debate & Update on ME.
Do I move? Or do I just stay here and continue to be honest with myself and my emotions? I can leave negativity towards the one who was reading without my knowledge out. Yet, then there is my privacy. Here is the place I spew my every emotion. Good, bad, and ugly. Yes it is for the world to see. The world of those who choose to read it because they have compassion and understanding of the infertile woman. Because they have walked her shoes, because they know someone close to them that goes through these emotions, or simply because they cannot imagine such a thing happening to them. Maybe they are beginning their ttc journey and want to be prepared for what can happen. Maybe they experienced an unfortunate loss. Either way they know the roller coaster of emotions that life can have.
Do I switch locations and stop writing for my current readers? Do I lose the companionship that I have. Knowing that blogs like The Angry Uterus, I think it is time, Life's a Dance, My Journey Through TTC...So Far, and The Pursuit of Pregnancy are written by amazing women that have walked beside me in this time of uncertainty and uneven footing? And what about those in real life that I did chose to share it with? One friend that has lost a baby. Friends that have been there for me, and that I bare my heart to every day. Ones that were there to hold me up when I miscarried. That saw the raw emotion of tears that wouldn't stop coming. That saw the pain on my face as I took cytotec and knew the pain in my heart as I took the pill that would abort my child because God decided it was time for them to come home.
Did I want family to read this blog? Only one, my sister. It is how I told her about my miscarriage. And keep her informed when she is in school and we both have wacky schedules. Because truth is, I miss her when we don't see each other or make time to speak at least once a week. Though, other than that, did I want family to read this? Absolutely not. This is the place I was going to share my excitement of any future BFP before we told family. At least I wanted that to be an option.
This is the place I talk about disgusting things like BV and cervical fluid. When we BD. When I ovulate. When I have different blood tests. A place that when I get emotions too raw to keep inside I am able to spew all emotions onto the screen. I thought this was a place where I could write to my hearts content about the messy journey through ttc, miscarriage, and infertility and one day move onto a pregnancy blog with all things personal posted without fear of being judged or viewed as overly harsh and cynical.
Should I keep negative opinions to myself. Probably. Am I human? Absolutely. Unchristian? I love God but I still fall down. Yes, I spew venom at times. But Jesus knew it would be hard to tame the tongue. Yes, I struggle with jealousy, with envy, with unforgiving grudges. I work on it. There are days that it is going to seem like I am not. There are days when I feel like I do not want to. I am a sinner. I overeat, I sometimes judge those who drink vicariously into a drunken stupor. I am lazy with the body God gave me. I go in spurts of not reading my Bible. Currently I do not have a Church that I would call my home. I am working on it. But, anyone that sins knows that it is a slippery slope.
Guess what else? I will listen. Even when I get annoyed. Especially if it isn't a place where I can tell you what is on my mind. To be honest it is because in the past I have avoided confrontation. It is a fault of mine. One that I will be working on in the future. Confronting people with love. That is what my devotion today was about. That you do not truly love the people you do not confront. Or those that you confront in anger.
Yet my main question is, what is the point of not letting me know you are following? What is the point of following a blog if you are not going to comment at least ONCE on the person's blog? Or if you know me in real life but stumble upon it....why not tell me in a comment? I have it so anyone can post a comment for that reason.
For now, I do have another blog set up. But I do not know if this blog or that one I created yesterday will be deleted from cyberspace.
That is it for today on that subject.
But what about MY Update? The doctor said that the elevated glucose could be a sign of a diabetic issue. Therefore within the next week and a half I will have a repeat glucose test done. If I have conceived it will be the same as the one that is done at the 20 week mark. If I haven't conceived it will be a little different. Praying for the tests to be done in my prenatal labs.
Symptoms? Strong smelling urine (even though I have drank TONS of water..could be a side effect of pregnancy or of BV --which should be cured by now even though I am on day 5 of 7). Sore boobies (the cat put her paw on them and I wanted to rip her paw off...AND I have to wear a sports bra instead of going aue natural while sleeping or upon rising. Nips only hurt when touched). Bigger ta-tas. (For real. I thought I noticed it, then James did.) Frequent Urination (could be because I drank more water trying to get the smelly urine to go away! lol). Occasional cramping. Tiredness. HEADACHES. Pimples are clearing up.
Who knows? To be honest I took a test today at 7dpo. Stupid because I knew I would see a BFN. But with symptoms I am hopeful. I thought I saw a faint line, but I am sure it was just the evap line/collection site for the glorious second pink line. I mostly took it today because it is the one day that I will have for sure a 8 hour hold of urine in the early testing period.
I am sleepy. But I did exercise today with James, cook lunch, and get two loads of laundry done. Time to tackle dishes before showering before my nap.
Let me know what you all are thinking about this.
♥ Jess
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Hot hot Hot!
Seriously, I am sitting in a sports bra and undies...and STILL my hair is wet with sweat. Why did we not get ac sooner? Definitely thinking tomorrow it will be a must, especially if we have a little bambino. Because this heat is RIDICULOUS!!
I am about 4 or 5 days from testings. I ordered my tests yesterday. Thinking I should get them pretty much right on time. Which, lets be honest, is a good thing, so I won't test early. =D
Any signs or symptoms? Well yesterday I slept for 10 hours, totally not me. I have a little extra CM and my BBs are a little tender towards my arm pits. Hoping this month is it, but feeling like a negative Nancy that is feigning hope. *sigh*
Oh well, either way I will be okay. Especially since in the mean time of testing I will be heading to Holland Beach, and the heat index and humidity is supposed to drop (THANK YOU JESUS!!!)
♥ Jess
I am about 4 or 5 days from testings. I ordered my tests yesterday. Thinking I should get them pretty much right on time. Which, lets be honest, is a good thing, so I won't test early. =D
Any signs or symptoms? Well yesterday I slept for 10 hours, totally not me. I have a little extra CM and my BBs are a little tender towards my arm pits. Hoping this month is it, but feeling like a negative Nancy that is feigning hope. *sigh*
Oh well, either way I will be okay. Especially since in the mean time of testing I will be heading to Holland Beach, and the heat index and humidity is supposed to drop (THANK YOU JESUS!!!)
♥ Jess
Monday, July 18, 2011
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
Ok so I had in mind a post today about my little bean that I should have delivered by now. It's my due date, so happy birthday little bean. BUT last night was insane at work.
Residents climbing out of bed. Alarms going off for no apparent reason. One resident is depressed and said she wished Jesus would take her, that she would just die because of the pain. I got peed on. Oh and so did my phone. Fell out of my pocket and into the toilet.
Seriously. You can't make this stuff up. So I reached in, with a glove on, and got my phone. Figured the damage was already done so I rinsed it off with water in the sink, took off the cover and washed it. Then I proceeded to sanitize it before going to dry it off with a blow dryer. Currently it is a bag of rice, but totally NOT working. So now we have to file a claim that will cost us 99 buckeroos. Joy.
So today I have no baby and no smartphone. I have dreams of a child, James's old phone, and sadness because it is to hot to have timed intercourse one more time for a "What the heck?" attempt to conceive.
Oh boy....I am ready for life to lighten up a bit.
Residents climbing out of bed. Alarms going off for no apparent reason. One resident is depressed and said she wished Jesus would take her, that she would just die because of the pain. I got peed on. Oh and so did my phone. Fell out of my pocket and into the toilet.
Seriously. You can't make this stuff up. So I reached in, with a glove on, and got my phone. Figured the damage was already done so I rinsed it off with water in the sink, took off the cover and washed it. Then I proceeded to sanitize it before going to dry it off with a blow dryer. Currently it is a bag of rice, but totally NOT working. So now we have to file a claim that will cost us 99 buckeroos. Joy.
So today I have no baby and no smartphone. I have dreams of a child, James's old phone, and sadness because it is to hot to have timed intercourse one more time for a "What the heck?" attempt to conceive.
Oh boy....I am ready for life to lighten up a bit.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Procrastination in Full Force
I have a paper due today for English. The topic is if birth control should be distributed by the public school system. I'm supposed to be objective. So here are a few of my thoughts.
First of all pertaining to distribution to middle schoolers. Really? Many of these kids are forced to shower, have to be reminded of homework, chores, and have to be driven everywhere and you want them to take birth control? Boggles my mind. They have crazy hormones, yes, but be a parent a don't let them be alone with the opposite sex then.
And for the mass population of teens they think they are unstoppable, and you want to give them birth control? So what, they can stop using condoms and we will have STDs and AIDS be more prevalent? And will they remember to take pill or change patch on time? If not the "solution" to teen pregnancy has brought about MORE and more likely more abortions.
Thirdly, I understand HIPAA. But what if there is underlying medical conditions that the young teen (or older teen) should not be taking birth control? And in turn causes an "unexplained" blood clot because the daughter doesn't have to fess up and parents are unaware.
There are positives too, but I feel like maybe a big reason for parents advocating for it is so they can be lax on parenting. I get it for cramps, excessive acne, and PROS (without a clotting disorder). Yet, does this not send a mixed message to kids? Don't have sex, wait til you are married. Take birth control in case it happens. Where are parents giving children the backbone to say no. And if they can't say no the sex, where else are they giving in?
So my objectiveness (or lack there of...) is making it hard to write.
And on a different procrastination note...I still haven't called the dr. Decided to take half of amt prescribed for progesterone supplement until 14 dpo simply because cramping has mostly stopped and it is a wonderful break. I deal with cramps every day almost and the past 2 days have been wonderful. So far more BFN have stared back at me. And it makes me ready for next cycle...bring on the chaste berry and dandelion :-) Really would LOVE to experience a positive pregnancy moment instead of ones pared with sadness...
Jess
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tired Emotions
Today I had a rough day, mostly because of lack of sleep I believe. First I felt like James was making me feel bad for wanting sleep, and not at all being understanding. We were blessed with some meat so that was nice, but from there the day kind of went down the tubes.
I have had 2 hours of sleep today. Four and a half yesterday. So total I have had a little over six hours of sleep, including all of my little 15 minute naps on break at work and in the car with James. I was looking forward to hanging out with friends today, but TOTALLY wouldn't have been safe for me to drive this late at night (which I just got a text they are just starting the movie...so I wouldn't have made it anyways. I am at insomnia mode right now. Starting to feel sick..). So I get home, officially decide that I won't be leaving home, but don't want to be alone. Try to get people to come visit me, massive fail. Not going to lie, this tired girl cried. Cried over the fact that I can't have a "normal" job. That I forgot to take tithe out in the equation of our budget. That James isn't being understanding (or more likely I'm oversensitive...). I felt alone. Not even my mom wanted to come visit. That's how pathetic I am! But most of all I cried when I told James I just miss my friends. Sunday they played volleyball. I went home to clean in hopes of having people over because me and volleyball do not mix. Nope. My night off was spent cleaning and not visiting with friends, hmmm I'm seeing a pattern here.
So instead I cleaned. Not taking my blood pressure meds because I knew they would knock me out, and I still had hope for a visitor. Massive fail. Should have just slept the evening away. Instead I've done dishes, cleaned the table, started the laundry, kind of watched a documentary by National Geographic (Science of Babies), and failed at folding socks. Things to keep me busy so I wouldn't feel so exhausted and blah. Now I am tired without a prospect of seeing anyone outside of work for the next three days. And if I do it will be at my expense. My lack of sleep. Which is making me a little witchy and drained. I'm irritable today I'll be honest. Emotional and just worn out.
Next day off: Monday. And I have class. What a day off. Then I get 2 days off in the middle of the week. No time for James & I. Whoever dreamed up this six months of probation crap is a lunatic!
To top it all off, my "company" tonight was texting an old friend. She got pregnant the same time as I was pregnant the second time, my second miscarriage. She is 29 weeks. Twenty Nine. And now has gestational diabetes. I'd take 29 weeks, even if it did come with gestational diabetes. You know what else is creeping up on me? My first due date. July 18th. Who would have thought that I would come to my due date and not even have a little poppy seed growing in my womb? Not me. NOT me.
I suppose I still have hope, but seriously at this point it's all on God. Because I have almost resigned to the fact that baby making is tough for me. *sigh* Next cycle I am going to be trying a couple of herbs, if not cycle after that starts clomid. Clomid. The drug I didn't want to do in the beginning, because of chance of twins. But I have to tell ya, I'd gladly take twins if it meant I could feel them move within my womb. If I could be past first trimester and be able to tell the whole world.
....Land Before Time & sleep are calling. Socks are too, but I'm ignoring.
Update: It wasn't a waste staying up after all! Soon after I published the first time James called and was on his way home! An hour earlier than normal! =D Was nice, finished Land Before Time with him. Ate some frozen yogurt. And then hit the hay...zzzz was WONDERFUL!
I have had 2 hours of sleep today. Four and a half yesterday. So total I have had a little over six hours of sleep, including all of my little 15 minute naps on break at work and in the car with James. I was looking forward to hanging out with friends today, but TOTALLY wouldn't have been safe for me to drive this late at night (which I just got a text they are just starting the movie...so I wouldn't have made it anyways. I am at insomnia mode right now. Starting to feel sick..). So I get home, officially decide that I won't be leaving home, but don't want to be alone. Try to get people to come visit me, massive fail. Not going to lie, this tired girl cried. Cried over the fact that I can't have a "normal" job. That I forgot to take tithe out in the equation of our budget. That James isn't being understanding (or more likely I'm oversensitive...). I felt alone. Not even my mom wanted to come visit. That's how pathetic I am! But most of all I cried when I told James I just miss my friends. Sunday they played volleyball. I went home to clean in hopes of having people over because me and volleyball do not mix. Nope. My night off was spent cleaning and not visiting with friends, hmmm I'm seeing a pattern here.
So instead I cleaned. Not taking my blood pressure meds because I knew they would knock me out, and I still had hope for a visitor. Massive fail. Should have just slept the evening away. Instead I've done dishes, cleaned the table, started the laundry, kind of watched a documentary by National Geographic (Science of Babies), and failed at folding socks. Things to keep me busy so I wouldn't feel so exhausted and blah. Now I am tired without a prospect of seeing anyone outside of work for the next three days. And if I do it will be at my expense. My lack of sleep. Which is making me a little witchy and drained. I'm irritable today I'll be honest. Emotional and just worn out.
Next day off: Monday. And I have class. What a day off. Then I get 2 days off in the middle of the week. No time for James & I. Whoever dreamed up this six months of probation crap is a lunatic!
To top it all off, my "company" tonight was texting an old friend. She got pregnant the same time as I was pregnant the second time, my second miscarriage. She is 29 weeks. Twenty Nine. And now has gestational diabetes. I'd take 29 weeks, even if it did come with gestational diabetes. You know what else is creeping up on me? My first due date. July 18th. Who would have thought that I would come to my due date and not even have a little poppy seed growing in my womb? Not me. NOT me.
I suppose I still have hope, but seriously at this point it's all on God. Because I have almost resigned to the fact that baby making is tough for me. *sigh* Next cycle I am going to be trying a couple of herbs, if not cycle after that starts clomid. Clomid. The drug I didn't want to do in the beginning, because of chance of twins. But I have to tell ya, I'd gladly take twins if it meant I could feel them move within my womb. If I could be past first trimester and be able to tell the whole world.
....Land Before Time & sleep are calling. Socks are too, but I'm ignoring.
Update: It wasn't a waste staying up after all! Soon after I published the first time James called and was on his way home! An hour earlier than normal! =D Was nice, finished Land Before Time with him. Ate some frozen yogurt. And then hit the hay...zzzz was WONDERFUL!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Seething Anger
I feel like Medusa. Like I should have snakes coming out of my head, and filled with an angered rage. I can't shake it. I can bite off heads, and seethe anger like no ones business. And most of all I hate it, yet I can't shake it.
I'm frustrated that they changed worship weekend because people wanted cabins (honestly what's the point to camp if you sit in a cabin? Everyone that used them last year complained because they were hot!). So now I can't go. And I want to be a bitch and tell James no too. I'm sick of him being able to go do things while I can't because I have to freaking work. I want to sit around the campfire singing songs. I NEED it. I need it. I need a get away with Christians that will understand and love me. I need a weekend away where people won't talk about babies.
I'm still annoyed with Laura. She called yesterday and told James she never told me to "Get angry and get over it" Blamed it on Darcy. Said she said it. Wrong, Darcy just never said anything when I told her about the miscarriages. Then they were the only friends that didn't say anything that actually apologized for not being there. The other two that said nothing, still have said nothing. Laura said it, and then acted as if nothing ever happened. Then she tells James she wants to apologize. I'm sorry I feel as if someone wants to apologize I shouldn't have to call to get the apology. But, I texted her giving her the opening. NOTHING. NOTHING! My favorite thing that she said when James told her what she said, "Why would she want to come see me if I said that?" Because that's what Christians do. Forgive and then forgive again. Even when the person doesn't know they have hurt you. Sadly, it brings it back to the surface when the hurt is brought up again. Especially by the person letting you know they are pregnant....and here could come a vent again. A big vent. I'm resisting though. I'm tired of it all. Let's be honest, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of insensitive people. Tired of selfish people. I'm tired. Just plain tired.
And I'm cranky. Hormonal. And sick of getting my hopes let down month after month. Maybe I'm sick of hope at this point. I'm sick of crushed dreams. I'm sick of feeling sick & tired. I'm hurting. Broken, and desperate for once something to come easy. Something to happen for me that I want so desperately bad. I realize my past has shaped me. I get it, I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. Yet, I am so broken and low at the moment. My heart is crying out to you Lord, will you leave me broken, desolate, and hurting much longer? I said I'd go down this road to follow you, to let you move. I know I did. I said it's okay if you need to use me for this journey. But I feel like Israel wondering through the desert to get the promised land. How much longer will I be left feeling hopeless? Raise me up Lord. Fix my ovaries to produce eggs worthy of getting pregnant. Fix my heart. I'm broken and in need of your holy spirit to fill me up. I have nothing left in me. I'm hurting. I need your undying love to set me free.
Jess
I'm frustrated that they changed worship weekend because people wanted cabins (honestly what's the point to camp if you sit in a cabin? Everyone that used them last year complained because they were hot!). So now I can't go. And I want to be a bitch and tell James no too. I'm sick of him being able to go do things while I can't because I have to freaking work. I want to sit around the campfire singing songs. I NEED it. I need it. I need a get away with Christians that will understand and love me. I need a weekend away where people won't talk about babies.
I'm still annoyed with Laura. She called yesterday and told James she never told me to "Get angry and get over it" Blamed it on Darcy. Said she said it. Wrong, Darcy just never said anything when I told her about the miscarriages. Then they were the only friends that didn't say anything that actually apologized for not being there. The other two that said nothing, still have said nothing. Laura said it, and then acted as if nothing ever happened. Then she tells James she wants to apologize. I'm sorry I feel as if someone wants to apologize I shouldn't have to call to get the apology. But, I texted her giving her the opening. NOTHING. NOTHING! My favorite thing that she said when James told her what she said, "Why would she want to come see me if I said that?" Because that's what Christians do. Forgive and then forgive again. Even when the person doesn't know they have hurt you. Sadly, it brings it back to the surface when the hurt is brought up again. Especially by the person letting you know they are pregnant....and here could come a vent again. A big vent. I'm resisting though. I'm tired of it all. Let's be honest, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of insensitive people. Tired of selfish people. I'm tired. Just plain tired.
And I'm cranky. Hormonal. And sick of getting my hopes let down month after month. Maybe I'm sick of hope at this point. I'm sick of crushed dreams. I'm sick of feeling sick & tired. I'm hurting. Broken, and desperate for once something to come easy. Something to happen for me that I want so desperately bad. I realize my past has shaped me. I get it, I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. Yet, I am so broken and low at the moment. My heart is crying out to you Lord, will you leave me broken, desolate, and hurting much longer? I said I'd go down this road to follow you, to let you move. I know I did. I said it's okay if you need to use me for this journey. But I feel like Israel wondering through the desert to get the promised land. How much longer will I be left feeling hopeless? Raise me up Lord. Fix my ovaries to produce eggs worthy of getting pregnant. Fix my heart. I'm broken and in need of your holy spirit to fill me up. I have nothing left in me. I'm hurting. I need your undying love to set me free.
Jess
Monday, May 23, 2011
)= Feeling ridiculously cranky & moody in general
I can tell you, I can vent with the best of them. I can spew venom like a christian isn't supposed to. And I know these things are NOT good for me, my heart, or my relationship with God. Yet, I cannot express how hard it is to know that others are getting pregnant while I am getting bad news back about ovulation. A problem my husband doesn't want me to go on medicine for because of potential side effects.
It makes me want to scream. It makes me furious at times when people that have been pregnant before do not know you cannot take ibuprofen when pregnant, and thus should avoid when TTC. Hello? Make a connection. When trying to get pregnant you need to treat your body as you are pregnant. Watch what fish you eat, stop drinking, at the very least from ovulation on, don't smoke, try to eat healthier, take prenatals, the list goes on! When people don't do this it drives me insane!
I have been bad, such an emotional eater yesterday. Belly was fullest it has been in probably about a year. And it was constantly full. I couldn't help from shoving food into my face. Popcorn, Zehnder's chicken, lunch @ tony's, more popcorn, did I mention one of those Tostino's pizza things? I was disgusting yesterday. So much so that my sister thought I was pregnant. NEGATIVE.
I have two negative tests to prove it. And thinking that I am about done testing for this cycle because I am starting to get my usual cramps. And I got information from the Dr. I don't ovulate good eggs! YAY... =*( I could scream! I figured it probably was going to show such. So I should focus on feeling blessed that my prolactin and TSH are normal. (but I'm not feeling it as such at the moment).
James is out mowing the lawn and having issues with lawn mower not wanting to keep going. We are borrowing it. It seems everything breaks down when we borrow, so if we ask to borrow something of yours I won't be offended if you say no. *sigh* I can hear him going again though, so it means he fixed it. Which is one thing I love about my husband, he can usually figure out what is wrong and fix it. And if he can't fix it, we have handy friends and family that can.
You know what else is sad? I had a good vacation, in spite of sister in law's (normal) unruly mood swings, until yesterday. I could spew venom here, but I won't. I will keep that for close friends that won't judge, and love me regardless. Yet, what I was going to say is...I feel more exhausted now that before the vacation. not at all revived or rejuvenated. I want a weekend with James. and that's not for another 4.5 weeks.
I made phone calls this morning to Sparrow Lab, My Dr, and the Foster Care specialist. I did good with 1/3. I at least got my levels for my labs. Called Dr. Talked to nurse and she told me 2 were normal, and that she needed to double check with my Dr about our plan of action for poor/lack of ovulation. They said James's SA probably won't be back for a week (!What? Seriously? Must mean it was good, because they said they wouldn't run it if it was bad simply because of the poor instruction we were given!) Plus now I also get to wait for foster care lady to call back. When I am feeling incredibly impatient and cranky.
Grrrr....
It makes me want to scream. It makes me furious at times when people that have been pregnant before do not know you cannot take ibuprofen when pregnant, and thus should avoid when TTC. Hello? Make a connection. When trying to get pregnant you need to treat your body as you are pregnant. Watch what fish you eat, stop drinking, at the very least from ovulation on, don't smoke, try to eat healthier, take prenatals, the list goes on! When people don't do this it drives me insane!
I have been bad, such an emotional eater yesterday. Belly was fullest it has been in probably about a year. And it was constantly full. I couldn't help from shoving food into my face. Popcorn, Zehnder's chicken, lunch @ tony's, more popcorn, did I mention one of those Tostino's pizza things? I was disgusting yesterday. So much so that my sister thought I was pregnant. NEGATIVE.
I have two negative tests to prove it. And thinking that I am about done testing for this cycle because I am starting to get my usual cramps. And I got information from the Dr. I don't ovulate good eggs! YAY... =*( I could scream! I figured it probably was going to show such. So I should focus on feeling blessed that my prolactin and TSH are normal. (but I'm not feeling it as such at the moment).
James is out mowing the lawn and having issues with lawn mower not wanting to keep going. We are borrowing it. It seems everything breaks down when we borrow, so if we ask to borrow something of yours I won't be offended if you say no. *sigh* I can hear him going again though, so it means he fixed it. Which is one thing I love about my husband, he can usually figure out what is wrong and fix it. And if he can't fix it, we have handy friends and family that can.
You know what else is sad? I had a good vacation, in spite of sister in law's (normal) unruly mood swings, until yesterday. I could spew venom here, but I won't. I will keep that for close friends that won't judge, and love me regardless. Yet, what I was going to say is...I feel more exhausted now that before the vacation. not at all revived or rejuvenated. I want a weekend with James. and that's not for another 4.5 weeks.
I made phone calls this morning to Sparrow Lab, My Dr, and the Foster Care specialist. I did good with 1/3. I at least got my levels for my labs. Called Dr. Talked to nurse and she told me 2 were normal, and that she needed to double check with my Dr about our plan of action for poor/lack of ovulation. They said James's SA probably won't be back for a week (!What? Seriously? Must mean it was good, because they said they wouldn't run it if it was bad simply because of the poor instruction we were given!) Plus now I also get to wait for foster care lady to call back. When I am feeling incredibly impatient and cranky.
Grrrr....
Monday, April 25, 2011
"Stop trying, It will Happen Naturally"
Seriously, when anyone tells me this I want to smack them across the face. If I tell you I'm kind of sick of trying, maybe what I'm telling you is I'm sick of the disappointment that stares me in the face, reminding me of another month being a failure. Don't tell me to stop trying so it will happen naturally. I am on allergy meds and I don't have fertile CM because stupid Zyrtec has dried it up, I have to use pre-seed when I am close to ovulation. Don't tell me to stop trying, let it happen naturally because I need to know what's going on with my body so I can get on blood thinners asap when I get a positive test. Do not forget about the medical aspect of this. Plus, it's better when trying because then you are on prenatals and your baby can get good medical attention. Good nutrition, and you have more time for planning.
I could go on and on with this vent. I'm sick of going to church and working in the nursery when most of the parents that have kids are not volunteering down there. I am sick and tired of feeling left out when trying to talk to my friends that I miss because the talk is centered around babies. I'm just sick and tired of it. And emotionally worn out. I'm tired from working this week, and you adding to my stress by telling me not to try doesn't help. I understand that our God is our Jehovah Rapha, ultimate Dr, our Jehovah Jireh, Provider of all things, and Jehovah Nissi, the one who has claimed victory for us! I do understand these things! I promise you, with all in my life, how could I not?
Maybe it's the fact that my due dates are inching closer, or that mother's day is a few weeks away. And here I am a broken mother, disconnected from her babies by death. It's easy to say give up trying when yours is there on your lap. I will try and I will get through this. Even if I feel like I wish I could give up during the wait. And in the end I will be a better Mommy. Even if through all this heartache and waiting God doesn't provide a biological child for us to hold here on Earth. I know one day I will meet the child that he has planned for us to parent.
My heart cries out, and it feels a little hurt, emotionally sick, and angered with peoples lack of understanding. And people, I am talking about Christians that tell me such things. Aren't we called by God to have compassion and mercy? Do they not realize that by saying such things they themselves are being like Peninnah to Hannah in the Bible? Saying things that are hurtful when you have already bared a child. Also do not tell me to be praying, because I have been on my knees praying for my child. And I am not one to usually get on my knees and to pray. I have thrown my body down to the feet of God and prayed with every ounce of my soul, asking God to take away this feeling of bareness that I have, to open my womb, to give us a healthy child. And beyond this, I already am praying for my child's spiritual healthy, for leadership skills, for him/her to listen to God's small voice, and to make a difference in the world. I am praying! Don't tell me to give up. I will keep praying, and trying, and one day I will have a little one of my own.
I could go on and on with this vent. I'm sick of going to church and working in the nursery when most of the parents that have kids are not volunteering down there. I am sick and tired of feeling left out when trying to talk to my friends that I miss because the talk is centered around babies. I'm just sick and tired of it. And emotionally worn out. I'm tired from working this week, and you adding to my stress by telling me not to try doesn't help. I understand that our God is our Jehovah Rapha, ultimate Dr, our Jehovah Jireh, Provider of all things, and Jehovah Nissi, the one who has claimed victory for us! I do understand these things! I promise you, with all in my life, how could I not?
Maybe it's the fact that my due dates are inching closer, or that mother's day is a few weeks away. And here I am a broken mother, disconnected from her babies by death. It's easy to say give up trying when yours is there on your lap. I will try and I will get through this. Even if I feel like I wish I could give up during the wait. And in the end I will be a better Mommy. Even if through all this heartache and waiting God doesn't provide a biological child for us to hold here on Earth. I know one day I will meet the child that he has planned for us to parent.
My heart cries out, and it feels a little hurt, emotionally sick, and angered with peoples lack of understanding. And people, I am talking about Christians that tell me such things. Aren't we called by God to have compassion and mercy? Do they not realize that by saying such things they themselves are being like Peninnah to Hannah in the Bible? Saying things that are hurtful when you have already bared a child. Also do not tell me to be praying, because I have been on my knees praying for my child. And I am not one to usually get on my knees and to pray. I have thrown my body down to the feet of God and prayed with every ounce of my soul, asking God to take away this feeling of bareness that I have, to open my womb, to give us a healthy child. And beyond this, I already am praying for my child's spiritual healthy, for leadership skills, for him/her to listen to God's small voice, and to make a difference in the world. I am praying! Don't tell me to give up. I will keep praying, and trying, and one day I will have a little one of my own.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Smack a...
Co-worker (or TWO). WORST possible night at work, ever. If it's a repeat tonight, I think I may lose it. I cried. That's all I'm saying. Sick of lazy people. Do your job, and help others out. It's not that hard. Now, I probably am having expectations. Of that of a Christian, "Do unto others, like you would want them to do unto you." So I need to forgive, because I do not think they believe in Christ. Or walk in faith. But I tell you I am in the crabbiest freaking mood ever.
Slews of swear words are pulsating through my mind, and came out of my lips when I called my mom to complain (yes complain, I know....where is my heart? Full of blackness right now....working on forgiving at the moment).
*Deep breath in* *Sigh, Deep breath out* I need to chill. This is not healthy.
Slews of swear words are pulsating through my mind, and came out of my lips when I called my mom to complain (yes complain, I know....where is my heart? Full of blackness right now....working on forgiving at the moment).
*Deep breath in* *Sigh, Deep breath out* I need to chill. This is not healthy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Blood Work and Emotions
Well I got some good news today that normally wouldn't be considered as good news to most. My beta hCG came back at 304.3. It has dropped significantly from the 14th when it was 3926.6. My research online shows the reason that they are now testing me every 48 hours is to make sure that it falls at least 50% every two days, if it doesn't there is probably residual tissue from the baby still inside my uterus. WHICH would mean another dose of the Cytotec Friday inserted by the Dr. I am anticipating another ultrasound Friday to see what is going on inside of me.
It's so sad, I am so ready to be off of this roller coaster. I don't know what it will be like when I am no longer pregnant and grieving for my baby. I know some moments it hits me hard and all I can do is cry out to God and bawl my eyes out. Other times it's like, I have this crazy peace that tells me everything will be Okay. I know everything will work out as God plans. Yet, sometimes it does not help this process I am going through. Inserting those pills into myself made me think of all of those women that take plan B or go for abortions. It made me so angry. How is it that so many have to go through this lose and have to try so hard for babies....those women that will make amazing parents. But it seems like many get pregnant on accident or without trying too hard and later do not realize what a blessing they have received from God.
I vow to be a great mommy. But for now I have to focus on being a good wife, sister, aunt, cousin, student, and just follow God. My heart is aching, it is so hard going to work and getting out of bed. Having to see pregnant bellies, knowing those that got pregnant the same time as me (both times...*sigh*) are going to see there children in either July or September. I have to wait until I get to heaven, and I can tell you it pushes me to be a better person, because I cannot wait for that day. My heart is in heaven, even if my body is here on Earth.
It's so sad, I am so ready to be off of this roller coaster. I don't know what it will be like when I am no longer pregnant and grieving for my baby. I know some moments it hits me hard and all I can do is cry out to God and bawl my eyes out. Other times it's like, I have this crazy peace that tells me everything will be Okay. I know everything will work out as God plans. Yet, sometimes it does not help this process I am going through. Inserting those pills into myself made me think of all of those women that take plan B or go for abortions. It made me so angry. How is it that so many have to go through this lose and have to try so hard for babies....those women that will make amazing parents. But it seems like many get pregnant on accident or without trying too hard and later do not realize what a blessing they have received from God.
I vow to be a great mommy. But for now I have to focus on being a good wife, sister, aunt, cousin, student, and just follow God. My heart is aching, it is so hard going to work and getting out of bed. Having to see pregnant bellies, knowing those that got pregnant the same time as me (both times...*sigh*) are going to see there children in either July or September. I have to wait until I get to heaven, and I can tell you it pushes me to be a better person, because I cannot wait for that day. My heart is in heaven, even if my body is here on Earth.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Taboo or Insensitive Comments?
It seems to me that the online community has gotten it right being open about more things than you are with close friends and even family. Why is it that some things are so taboo? Why is it that I feel like miscarriage seems to be something women have swept under a rug and pretend that it doesn’t happen that often? Or that it doesn’t hurt? It doesn’t make sense to me. And if it’s not specifically taboo, then there has to be another reason. I think the reason that it is not talked about is how friends and families react to the hurting woman. My heart cries out daily at the thought of my loss. I don’t know how many speechless replies I have gotten, whether they are via text or face to face. Hint: do not be speechless! Give a hug; say I’m so sorry for your loss; I’m here for you. Tell me you are praying. Do NOT say you understand if you haven’t been through it, and do not be unsympathetic if you haven’t been through it. Because knowing someone has had a miscarriage will make you turn to them if you ever experience the same thing. If it’s not speechlessness, maybe instead it is the insensitive comments. Hint: Do NOT say get over it. Or you can try again soon. The loss is real. If you are a mom or a parent…imagine losing your child. But the good thing is you have memories and pictures. Women that loose their child in the womb have dreams that will never be filled and the ache of empty arms and the missing feeling of not being a mother, especially if they do not have a child yet. And further more, if you know that someone is trying to conceive do not ask them every month if they have been successful yet. It’s another thing to tell them you are praying.
Experiencing two miscarriages makes life so hard. You see so many happy little families that do not seem grateful for their blessing. You see so many more pregnant bellies, and your heart aches whenever going past the baby aisle in any store. To add to this, the same thing is when you are trying to conceive. Every month a negative pregnancy test or your period comes your feel like a failure; your heart breaks more and more each month. Especially as the want to be a mother gets greater and greater. Add even further to this is both of these women on Mother’s Day. It is the worst day in a woman’s life who wants to be a mother but isn’t yet. Sit through sermons of praise for women with children, as you sit there reminded of your ache and empty arms. It hits you right in your face. As do the comments of other mom’s complaining about their lives. Don’t blatantly complain about changing poopy diapers, being tired from lack of sleep, having to take children to daycare, the cost of children, or losing time being a couple. Because I will tell you what, I will graciously trade you this pain I am going through for the “inconvenience” of having a child. I am TIRED of taking temps every morning, working at a daycare and having kids accidently call me mommy on occasion. I am SICK of paying for more tests and medicine to try to make a pregnancy stick. And I would love to experience being a family with a child rather than just a couple. Sorry that was my vent on that.
It’s not that I want to not hear you update me about your life, I understand they are your struggles. What I am trying to say is be sensitive. It’s a slap in the face hearing women complain about things when it adds to your pain because it makes you so angry and hurt. There is so much more I could say and add to this, but I am trying to filter and have said enough. My heart is aching and tired. Yet, I will remain hopeful. The pain of having a miscarriage does not overpower the hope and dreams of being a mother.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Communicating like Adults?
I have had so many things I have wanted to post on here. But I will start with the 16th. A month from my appointment with the ob, with all the welcome to motherhood magazines, and other fun stuff. Skip forward to November 22nd, my miscarriage at 6 weeks. And then on to Nov. 29th first day of my cna class. I think I have been so busy that class getting over the December 16th brought everything flooding back because my loss was covered up with stress and business. A week isn't nearly enough time to grieve. And with all that stress from class suddenly gone, the flood gates open and I bawled and had to try to get puffy eyes to go away when I got home. There Jay and Deana are...so I sneak past and go upstairs to nap. I woke up at 830 but didn't get to go downstairs til 9, they were already in bed. So, no time for me to let them know I would be making cookies. I began with getting things ready to make cookies and used mixer as quickly as I could. Had 4 types I wanted to make. Turning the oven on around 10, after I looked up recipes and got all things around, I began baking. An hour and a half into the process, the dogs bark at something imaginary. This wakes Jay up. He sees me in the kitchen, hot water heater running because I have HOT water in the sink to do dishes throughout the baking process, and the oven on. He says to me, "Now I know why all the f-ing gas is gone." Picks up a bill for propane and says, "You can tell James this bill is his, I wasn't joking." $400. Suddenly sprung up on a month with added medical bills still unpaid, work cut short for both of us due to holidays, unpaid days off, and my pay check being $40. I was so upset. I hadn't been home lately to use oven, dryer, or stove.
So, I text James he leaves for work early (not helping situation). And gets the $90 he has been slowly saving to buy a gun barrel. Tells me we need to get $300 out of the bank. Good luck. All out of our house inspection fund because the emergency fund has been depleted at the moment.
Friday brings a long terrible day at work with my emotions high from everything, and breaking down to tell my boss about the miscarriage when she was on maternity leave. I call a family member on my way home to see how her interview went, and talk about my crappy day at work and how heartbroken I am feeling. When talking about how I am feeling broken because of loss of baby, she manages to tell me that I need to get over it. I don't care a baby is a baby. How would she feel if her son died? Would she be over it in four weeks? She might have memories, I have the feelings of excitement, joy, and happiness mixed with dreams and hopes for the child's future. A child who's future and present is in heaven. She gets to see her son, so it is quite easy to say "Get over it, get mad or something, move on." I was immensely hurt by her comment.
We get home, first thing I notice is dog kennel is cleared off. Right were my wood clarinet was. A wood clarinet cracks in cold temperatures. My precious clarinet that I never get to play because I always want to play at night time when Jay and Deana are sleeping. Jay had put MY clarinet in the truck box outside, without asking. I cried and cried. it doesn't look damaged now, but I won't be able to tell til it warms up. He placed a $2,000 instrument outside because it was making the house look cluttered. We have no place to put things upstairs, no closet, and it's not heated on a regular basis. My clarinet cannot go upstairs because of lack of heat. And further more cats are getting pissed because of in small space they are starting to pee on our things. I would love to get rid of them at this point, but would regret it later.
After this a fight begins because Jay can only communicate when yelling. He blames everything on us, saying we use them, we spend foolishly, James is lazy, and both of us act holier than thou. I was so upset. I asked him, if they were having problems financially and wanted us to take on a bill, why they didn't say so. It is not our choice that we are living there at the moment, but would like to help out when possible. This has been clear since the day we moved in. He then bitched about electric going up because lights being on at night. Well when James gets out at 1230 and home around 1, we are going to need lights. I'm sorry our schedules are opposite from yours. That we can't have dinner at 6 because both of us are working. Sorry that we go out on Saturdays to see friends because we can't have them over because of our schedule being different then theirs. Sorry that we evidently keep u up with our way of life. I am so frustrated and emotionally drained.
The thing that gets me, Jay says the things to James that cuts him down at such a level that no parent should ever do. And then what does he do? Call his brother and sister to say what happened. Surely saying we are users, not respectful, and lazy slobs. I don't know how long it will take to heal this relationship. I don't think I will ever let my kids come to his house alone for fear of things he may say, to be said we are "using" them, or to have him talk about my kids to Booger or Laura because guaranteed they won't be good enough for his standards.
So thankful we are house sitting this weekend, even if it is at the family member's place that told me to get over it. *sigh*
I'm so over this break already. God, please grant us our house soon. Please. I am losing my mind as my heart breaks. I need a break from family and pins and needles.
Jess
So, I text James he leaves for work early (not helping situation). And gets the $90 he has been slowly saving to buy a gun barrel. Tells me we need to get $300 out of the bank. Good luck. All out of our house inspection fund because the emergency fund has been depleted at the moment.
Friday brings a long terrible day at work with my emotions high from everything, and breaking down to tell my boss about the miscarriage when she was on maternity leave. I call a family member on my way home to see how her interview went, and talk about my crappy day at work and how heartbroken I am feeling. When talking about how I am feeling broken because of loss of baby, she manages to tell me that I need to get over it. I don't care a baby is a baby. How would she feel if her son died? Would she be over it in four weeks? She might have memories, I have the feelings of excitement, joy, and happiness mixed with dreams and hopes for the child's future. A child who's future and present is in heaven. She gets to see her son, so it is quite easy to say "Get over it, get mad or something, move on." I was immensely hurt by her comment.
We get home, first thing I notice is dog kennel is cleared off. Right were my wood clarinet was. A wood clarinet cracks in cold temperatures. My precious clarinet that I never get to play because I always want to play at night time when Jay and Deana are sleeping. Jay had put MY clarinet in the truck box outside, without asking. I cried and cried. it doesn't look damaged now, but I won't be able to tell til it warms up. He placed a $2,000 instrument outside because it was making the house look cluttered. We have no place to put things upstairs, no closet, and it's not heated on a regular basis. My clarinet cannot go upstairs because of lack of heat. And further more cats are getting pissed because of in small space they are starting to pee on our things. I would love to get rid of them at this point, but would regret it later.
After this a fight begins because Jay can only communicate when yelling. He blames everything on us, saying we use them, we spend foolishly, James is lazy, and both of us act holier than thou. I was so upset. I asked him, if they were having problems financially and wanted us to take on a bill, why they didn't say so. It is not our choice that we are living there at the moment, but would like to help out when possible. This has been clear since the day we moved in. He then bitched about electric going up because lights being on at night. Well when James gets out at 1230 and home around 1, we are going to need lights. I'm sorry our schedules are opposite from yours. That we can't have dinner at 6 because both of us are working. Sorry that we go out on Saturdays to see friends because we can't have them over because of our schedule being different then theirs. Sorry that we evidently keep u up with our way of life. I am so frustrated and emotionally drained.
The thing that gets me, Jay says the things to James that cuts him down at such a level that no parent should ever do. And then what does he do? Call his brother and sister to say what happened. Surely saying we are users, not respectful, and lazy slobs. I don't know how long it will take to heal this relationship. I don't think I will ever let my kids come to his house alone for fear of things he may say, to be said we are "using" them, or to have him talk about my kids to Booger or Laura because guaranteed they won't be good enough for his standards.
So thankful we are house sitting this weekend, even if it is at the family member's place that told me to get over it. *sigh*
I'm so over this break already. God, please grant us our house soon. Please. I am losing my mind as my heart breaks. I need a break from family and pins and needles.
Jess
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)