Bad Reflections.

Infertility has killed my usual spunk. Of hope and happiness about life.

There are happy moments, there is hope...but small glances.

It currently has killed my want for relationship with God. It is like getting excited over having a plant in your house, only to slowly watch it die. At first you try to tend to it, but eventually you just pass it by.

I am treading water but feeling to weak. If I give in will someone know CPR?

Do I give up, take a break? Pretend that our problems will go away? HOW do I mend this relationship with God?

I know He is real. That He loves me. That He is merciful and will forgive me. But where to start? How to get that passion back for wanting to start. I could easily slip into my old lifestyle, as much as I hate to admit it. I have to change. I know this. Yet I don't.

And then I saw this scripture.
To one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him, it is sin (James 4:17, NASB).

I am a sinner, I know it. But I guess God wanted to point it out...*sigh* I know I need to get back, get "right" with God. But what if I don't know how, which path to take?

I feel convicted. Even at work. My language has become disastrous lately. The F bomb and the B word flies from my lips along with other four letter not-so-sweet words.  Then I saw this scripture.

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29)

To top it off, there is a woman who is coming to our shift. She is rumored (only rumors because I haven't seen it...but everyone else testifies to it...) to lie, to preach on God, to pray over residents without their permission, to bust out in prayer over co-workers. That isn't the Christian I am. I don't even know if that is Christianly period. But who I am to judge. Because just as she is in the wrong. So I am. I feel like a fraud. A fake. A phoney. I have just as big of a plank in my eye as she does.

I got told by a nurse that she loves working with me because I remind her to be a better person. That I have a positive personality and a great outlook on life. I was speechless. I wanted to tell her that's not true, I am just as bad as these people that cuss and swear and gossip about others. I am worse, because I know better but I continue to do so. I have a facade that I feel has cracks, that people should see through. But they aren't. My faith is weak. I am weak.

The parable about the seeds? I used to think I was planted on good healthy ground. But it turns out I must be one of the others. I used to be. But life has messed me up lately. 


I still am angry towards she-who-must-not-be-named (I have been wanting to use this...). Bitter even. If she is reading this it would probably upset her. I could say things that would burn like acid probably. But here is what bugs me the most. When people say they can't imagine...it's more like they won't imagine. When they don't take the time to try to understand, to walk in the other person's shoes...they are saying, "I don't care." She doesn't care. It is obvious. And I have to deal with it. Because obviously it isn't going to bother her, she doesn't care. 


I care. I try to get her to understand, but I need to give up. Probably pray for her. Because I cannot get through to her. 


And you want to know what else has been bouncing around in this jumbled up ranting mess I call my thoughts? IVF. I used to say, NO WAY would we go there. But now...I start to think. If we can't? What if? I would do it. I would add on another loan. I would. I used to think women that talked on the boards that I read info from when googling where crazy. Now I am one of them (and quite possibly could be what I thought...crazy). I used to think that IVF was a waste of money, but now I understand why they decide to go for it. Because without pregnancy sometimes you feel devalued as a woman. A wasted being. I now get it. And I wish I didn't. 


I wish the pain of infertility. The pain of loss, the unknowing in the waiting...I wish it didn't exist. If I could take away others pain, I would. And guess what? I KNOW God could, but he still makes us wait, or continues to say No. And if I go down that path....I start to think about why God would choose to place this curse of infertility on us. What we could have done to cause it. It is a scary place to be. I used to think it was mildly a blessing. To be able to be kind and caring towards other women because I know too badly what it is like to walk the dusty beaten path, especially when you feel alone and hurt by others. But now? Now I question it.


I have potentially one more cycle on Clomid before we take at least a month break. I would love for my prayer doodle to still come true. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel. 


Sleep is finally calling me. And I must oblige. I hope tomorrow is filled with more hope.