Life Circumstances Cause Doubt

This was a concept told on a recent podcast I listened to. And for me it is true. My faith was shaken with each time we lost our babies. I doubted more and more as it happened to me again, and then again. And now, with my still waiting on the Lord.

God has been shaping me from birth, this I know.

I survived my father's mood and behaviors at home.

I knew what it was like to struggle financially.

I learned at an early age about men, sex, money, and stress.

But I didn't know God.

Therefore I couldn't doubt him.

I couldn't doubt his love when my aunt lost her baby. When I lost a person I loved 5 years in a row, from 5th grade on... Sam, Grandpa, Aunt Viola, Grandma, Faith, Brooke. I didn't doubt because I didn't have faith.

I was given strength but didn't know where it came from, didn't know he was carrying me. Because I didn't know him.

Now? These circumstances make me feel life is flawed. Not fair. When I was reading my Bible and full of faith. We lost two babies. Because of this, it is a human response to doubt. Life circumstance. I shouldn't beat myself up. But instead try to move forward. I am now crippled. I have been tossed by the sea. And how is it that I expect to receieve anything from God when I jaded and bruised instead of realizing I am being carried, that he is my comfort and strong fortress when I am weak.

I am getting there. But still struggling. Still feeling the affects of the waves inside of the boat, instead of walking on water with Jesus.

Updates:
Dad - didn't have surgery. And they waited to let me know until 945. After I had called Mom, Missy, Stacey, and facebooked his wife. Not joking. I was livid. No surgery though is good and bad news. If they had done it he could have stroked (good news...because they didn't). But they couldn't because he has a 90% blockage in the artery that was going to get the stent. Now he has to take meds, and see if they work. If they don't bipass is in his future.

14dpo - cramps. No spotting. Sure period is coming. Sore nips a little, increased thirst and thus urine output. Definitely not holding my breath though. 2 more days and I should know for sure either way.

KCC - I will have to let you know after I wake up from my sleep time. Scratch that...no news once again.

I worked last night and have to work tonight. Really wish I was going to see Courageous this weekend, but I have to work. And shouldn't spend the money (but should because it is a Christian film).

Also, my husband is superman. I am waking him up soon (probably 10:15 am) after he worked around 14 hours yesterday and got to bed at 5 am. He is going to be exhausted for work. So it was the least I could do to clean up a little (laundry, cleaned stove, did dishes, took out trash) and stay up so I could wake him up this morning. I also plan on packing his lunch (pats self on back). Yes, I do occasionally do something right. Even with my struggles, I still wish to be the woman in Proverbs 31. To be treasured far more then rubies. To have my children *sigh* rise up and call me blessed.

For now, I will have to settle on the first part. =) And get up to go make my superman's lunch.

Things will get better. Right?

Thankful Thought: I am thankful for warm blankets on chilly days.