A Tiny Ray of Hope

Amidst all the sorrow and heartache James and I have felt lately finally there is a small (or LARGE) light at the end of the tunnel. James and I finally got news about the house we had an offer on….IT’s going to be OURS! We have to do a house inspection and go from there. But, they accepted our offer. We are super excited and looking forward to our own place. I am in my Certified Nurse Assistant class and looking forward to a new career hopefully soon. Life is changing and feeling more optimistic.

Also another thing that I am feeling good about is my hCG levels dropped back down to a 2, and I am hoping with how quickly it dropped that my cycle will come back just as quick. Ready to try again. I cannot wait to have a baby here on Earth with my husband. One that I can hold and change his/her diapers. I look forward to the sleepless nights, because it will be ones of happiness because our baby is safe and healthy. Instead of sleepless nights filled with tears, heartache, and emptiness. I have much to look forward to, and feeling so blessed.

Love,

Jess

Grieving and Praying

I am at the point where I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this or make it happen. I know one day I will be a mommy. That God isn't going to allow me to go through this unless something positive is going to come from it. I also know that if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. I found this little poem/writing that explicitly describes my feelings on miscarrying. And it definitely brought tears to my eyes, as does seeing women with babies, or any baby aisle in the store. My heart cries out to hold my child. It is like the Bible says though, I will go to him/her but he/she will not return to me. If I keep my heart right with God I will see my baby, and that's one thing that is going to make me cling to God even more!

I Will Be Better by Unknown
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.


I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as my own body has betrayed me. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

And yes I will be a wonderful mother.

***********

 P.S. I've come to the realization I need to wait a full cycle to try again. But I cannot wait to try again. Praying God will allow it to happen for myself and a friend that is trying to conceive too. Hopefully we can be pregnant at the same time. :-) Lots to pray for!

Happy Thanksgiving.

My heart is ripping out every time I see something about babies, or a friend that is just announcing their pregnancy on facebook. Trying not to be bitter. My baby is in heaven, and I’m here, hurting. While other’s are celebrating and filling their bellies, I feel so empty. It’s so hard. I cannot wait to try again. 

Things I am thankful for: My amazing husband, my friends, ability to celebrate thanksgiving with good food, a warm house, my Jack-Jack, that Christ died for me, and he is taking care of my baby :-)/:-(

Thankful, yet Still Hurting

I am so thankful for understanding friends and good music. Because, I have to say it is so hard to look around and see pregnancy and babies all around. I get on facebook and there they are, television there there, the grocery store yup saw them there too, upstairs in my nightstand drawer I have my birth to conception magazine. I was so excited to look at it when I got it, and now it brings heart ache. I go back and forth. I’ll be doing good when suddenly I’ll be filled with tears of sadness and grief. 

Living with Jay and Deana, father-in-law and step-mom, makes things harder. When I told Jay I had PCOS he said that it was probably God’s way of making sure no babies would be in his house. Is this God’s way too? Just so I won't feel the joys of being pregnant, because we are living in your house? We haven’t told them because I can’t deal with any negative sayings. So as far as they know right now I am going through a really bad menstrual cycle. How sad is that? To have to lie and cover up a death of a little one, just so I won’t have to hear with his insensitive comments. Then he has the nerve to say we should stay a little longer, we don't want to. It has been a blessing and a curse living here. I want a life with my husband, where we don't have to be so close to family ties and hear praise or complaints about other family members.

I keep thinking about a website that had things women has submitted about struggling to conceive, and how one said they never thought how insensitive it really could be to ask a couple when they were going to have kids. You never know, they could be trying and not having success. If people ask me, I’m liable to tell them the truth. And say, instead of asking me like this, and breaking my heart one more time, like every month when I get another negative staring up at me, why don’t you pray for me. I’d rather pray for a couple that looks like they’d be good with kids then ask, just because I now know what their pain could be. I’d rather have them blessed with a baby if they aren’t trying then plagued with infertility when trying.

I think about when we will tell our families about what we are going through. When we have our own house. I wonder if it will be a happy holiday to me, knowing I would be about ready to tell them all that we were with child. Or if will come out like, Happy freaking holidays, I miscarried 3 days before thanksgiving. I also keep thinking about mother’s day next year. I keep thinking about how hard it was this past mother’s day without going through this. Without having a little one, and now I have a little one…he/she is just in heaven with Jesus.  Yet, I know to many people I would not be seen as a mommy. Even though I have that in my heart, even though I take care of other children’s kids, even though I had to go through a miscarriage when they don’t know the pain of even trying. I’m going to try and make sure not to be bitter, but it is hard. Even without enduring this. My heart was sick, seeing other women take their babies for granted when you are trying so hard each month. When their baby was a “mistake” and your baby is trying to be an on purpose, with basal body temperatures daily, ovulation test strips, pre-seed lubricant, vitamins, trying to eat healthier, and a tea that is supposed to strengthen your uterus. Just the relaxing, perfect environment for beautiful baby making. You learn when trying that it isn’t so easy to make a baby. That KY and other lubes kill little sperms, that you probably should stick to certain positions when doing the deed, that you’ll spend more money on things to help you get pregnant than going out with friends or a mini vacation with your hubby. 

I know that this is making me stronger and will help me minister to other hurting women at some point, but it doesn’t make it much easier on my heart. At least, not when the pain and hurt is immediately in front of me; when my brain gets stuck in a rut, thinking and grieving. Yet when I think about my past and all I have been through…how can I not be thankful? God has shaped me into what I think is a beautiful woman. I have to have faith that things will work out. Plus from all of this, James and I have prayed together every night for the past five nights or so in a row. I now have a supply of blood thinners for when I get the next positive. I have to believe that my Father who is heaven knows my pain, and will one day make it worth it. One day God will bless James and I with our own home, children, and the desires of our heart will be fulfilled. Until that day, our hearts have to stay with Jesus while we keep our hand and feet moving on this world.

Waiting on God to show His face.

I feel numb and full of tears that for some reason won’t flow. I know there is a reason for everything, and that God will work this out for our good, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Life seems so dull right now, my heart aches. It is real, this is really happening to me. Is this reason in present the reason that I’ve had the life of struggle? There has to be a reason, maybe it’s just to give me the experience to open my heart and give me more tenderness than I already have. 

Music is the only thing that really has been helping, makes me realize God is so faithful and He is with me, even in my brokenness and hurting. It was so hard this morning going to get my HCG drawn for what is hopefully going to be the last time for this mess I’m in. There was a cute pregnant lady, and a cute little newborn. My heart cried out to God as I held back my tears. I am sure everyone was looking at me like I was a crazy woman. Making me realize, even more not to judge those who are around you, because you never know what is going on in their life. 

Jonny Diaz’s song waiting room says, “When that miracle comes cause your answer is yes, I will praise you with all of my days. But when your wisdom declares that a no is best, I will praise you just the same.” It is what I am experiencing right now. I cannot wait to be a mommy here on earth, I know some day it will happen. Otherwise I don’t think he would put me through this heartache. There has to be a blessing coming my way. I keep thinking of Facing the Giants when the wife gets told she’s not pregnant again, and how she looks up the sky and says, “I will still love you.” I still love you God, even with my heart aching. I will wait on you, and hope to see your purpose for this at some point. You are too big of a God to let this happen for no reason. Like Josh Wilson says, “'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming” and I have to say I am waiting for that joy. He says, “…the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning” I’m waiting on the morning Lord. But as for I now I will just listen to the line that says, “the pain that you’ve been feeling, it’s just the hurt before the healing” heal me Lord. I’m waiting on You. Waiting, for You to help me out.

The hardest thing right now, is living with parents and not wanting to tell them. Not wanting an argument, not wanting to cry in front of people, not wanting their pity or sorry voices, just wanting prayers and hugs. But how do you get prayer of hugs when you are hush about it? I don’t want stares. I just want life to feel normal again, for this hurt to go away. I want to be a mom to a child here on Earth and not in Heaven. 

Jess

Devestated Dreams

Thursday I got news my progesterone was 9.7. Read online it should have been at least a 20. I was on these peach colored balls that looked like candy, but were really artificial hormones to try and help me keep the baby. I had hope, found out low progesterone causes cramping. Then I got the call about my HCG at 4pm on Friday while at work. I walked to the edge of the playground to answer. My HCG levels dropped. My heart sank. Back down to a 104, devastating me with the news that my baby is miscarrying and it is either an ectopic or normal, HCG levels Sunday will let us know for sure. They will call me on Monday to let me know. When I got the call at work, the world seemed to stop. All except for the kids around me asking me why I was sad, or why I was “like that.” In tears I finished helping kids take off their coats before my boss let me leave. 

I don’t know if I have ever cried so much in my life. My heart is so heavy. I went to Jenny’s after work. Cried some more, then decided that I wanted food, didn’t eat much though. I feel so empty. James said last night he is angry, but I’m not angry…just so sad. I know this is part of a bigger picture that I don’t comprehend. At the moment I have some cramping on my left side. I’m listening to music that God has definitely placed in my lap and has helped me to see a different meaning. Trying to decide if it’s better to fake a smile or shed more tears. 

A friend is helping me through this, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She reminded me last night that our babies are in heaven together. What a beautiful picture in a sad moment. At the moment my dreams are broken of having a child to hold, but we will try again and someday I will get to hold the little one that once grew inside of me.

Updates Bringing Uneasiness in my Heart.

My heart is calling out to God right now. I started my first dose of lovenox today. My first bruise from the medicine is on the left side in my “love handle region” as the instruction booklet calls it. I get more news tomorrow, but being who I am google and various medical websites and threads about other women’s experience was a must. My first hcg level was 101, today’s was 130.9. It only went up 29.9 in 24 hours. Receptionist told me it’s not looking good. Trying to stay positive as several websites said sometimes doubling doesn’t happen til 72 hours not 48, I have another quantitative hcg test Friday. Praying for at least a 400-500. They cannot do a viability ultrasound til I am at 1,000. I am hoping this lovenox will do its job, not only to prevent a clot in me, but to prevent the placenta from constricting blood vessels, which may be why I have such low hcg. Praying hard, and praying often. Praying for a miracle. I still have cramps off and on, mostly on right, but also middle and left at times. I prayed hard for it not to be ectopic. I just want to have a healthy baby of my own. I know it’s in God’s timing, but why give me this hope and joy just to cause pain and despair? To shape me? Haven’t I been shaped enough? I already know I’ll value my children and their safety more than many others God. Why leave place for fear in me over my first pregnancy? Give me peace God. I’m trusting you to place your hand on this situation, on this tiny creation inside my womb. You know the days he/she is supposed to live and what will be accomplished through this little creature’s life, even before birth. Your hand is there because otherwise life wouldn’t have been created, just remind me God that you are in control with a healthy baby, and not heartache.

I remind myself in prayer to be like the lyrics in Kerrie Robbert’s song “No Matter What”. The lyrics touch my life in a different way with the receptionist telling me James and I might be facing a miscarriage. After I went and found some steals on maternity clothes. After I begin to get excited. After my sister-in-law calls to say in January she’s going to be giving away her Gaguer’s crib…to us. After walking through the baby section at a store and dreaming about registering and imagining picking out clothes for my own baby, and whether the little bundle of joy would be a boy or girl. I think no matter how far along a woman gets attached. Makes plans, her heart yearns to meet her baby, even if the child is only 5 weeks old. No one else really knows, we have kept it limited. Playing all of this off as I am finding out more info about the lovely cysts I have, which I do have bilaterally, meaning on both ovaries. BOTH ovaries, and my previous gyno wasn’t going to help me figure out or do anything with my PCOS that I am positive I have.

I thought I was having a fantastic 23^rd birthday with my first visit to the ob, them giving me info about pregnancy and saying congrats. Then today happened. Still hopeful, but cautious. With a sick heart that is crying out to God with every ounce of my being. 

I am still trying to be thankful for little things. James is in charge of cleaning cat pan (haha), no period or spotting yet, I haven't thrown up,  I have a great husband, and wonderful friends. I have a God that hears my prayers, and will answer. Even if the answer is a no when I wish it to be a yes. Preparing myself for anything, and trying to find God in it all.

Cautious Happiness and Reserved Excitement

Well after my post on the 11th, I started to think about how late I was and on a whim Friday night decided to take another pregnancy test. What did my eyes see? A teeny tiny faint line. My stomach did flip flops with excitement. I didn't tell James that night (he was sleeping, and I was a little nervous because he was getting to a point that he was ok with waiting). Two more test the next morning showed a still faint, but little darker, positive. Same for Sunday, and today. The scary thing for me was all the cramping I had/have. It drives a woman crazy. Makes questions like, "Am I experiencing a chemical pregnancy and period is about to start?" or "is this going to be a miscarriage?" Yet, I can't worry. But I can be cautious. When the Nurse practitioner at Urgent Care told me that I was pregnant, my heart skipped a beat. James was with me to hear the news, but then she also told me with past of blood clot there's going to be more blood work the ob will have to do tomorrow. I freaked out when I called the Ob this morning and she told me to go to Urgent Care or ER because they didn't have any openings for today (being a new patient). Only people that know of this at this present moment are my husband, and Renee (probably Aaron too, your spouse is that one free tell lol). I am going to keep this a secret til we have our own place and feel confident that this little baby stick. It amazes me, the thought of being parents. July 18th, 2011 in case you are curious. The thing that gives me peace is I know I will meet this little creation at some point, whether it is here on earth or in heaven. God is Good.

On top of the pregnancy news today, we also learned that the bank gave another counter offer, $89,000. We have decided that we are going to offer $80,000 and pray that they will accept it! I am praying and hoping that we know for sure about the house by thanksgiving or James’s birthday at the latest. It is amazing to see all of things that we have been praying for finally happen.  Thank you Jesus, for all the good things I have. Thank you for shaping me in the waiting. Thank you for the blessed life that we live. 

Hope you are having a wonderful night,

God Bless

Jessica (Future Mommy To Be!)

Stuck Between a Rock and a Soft Place

Right now James and I are trying to get our own house, and we are in a waiting game right now. It will be SO good for us to move out. There are so many things I will be excited for, and so many things will be easier. While I know there are things I need to change in my life, it is hard to change them while living here with Jay and Deana. There is limited space, they just moved back into house, James and I have no time to just be together, no time or space to sit and have a Bible study, no room in kitchen to store healthy left overs where they won’t be eaten. No cupboard space to hold things I buy when on sale. Everything in life right now seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Trying to be thankful for things we have, but so sucky because things are harder.  I am excited about moving, but disgusted with the thought of packing. I am excited to be trying to conceive, but saddened that it’s not happening quickly. I am stuck, but a little comfortable. It’s hard to find motivation right now. I can’t exercise to most DVDs because everything bounces around and falls over (picture frames, knick-knacks…all around TV) making me feel like a fat cow. We are living with two cats and Jack upstairs at night. And downstairs and feeling out of place the rest of the time. We live in a hairy dusty mess upstairs that seems unable to conquer because of little space and multiple animals. 5 things on the floor and it looks gross, so what’s the point of moving things from place to place when it feels cluttered anyway? SIGH, but I have a house over my head, a husband that loves me, two kitties that love to cuddle, and Jack Jack. 

One thing that has had its setback for me is finding out I have PCOS. It shook me to the bone, and still has, yet I think it’s starting to lose the effects of the reality on James. Or maybe he’s just better at waiting on God’s timing. The thought of never being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth breaks my heart. So it makes the goal of becoming pregnant so real and necessary to be soon so that potential heartbreak will stop hovering over me every time I find out someone is pregnant or has just given birth…it’s so hard every time. It’s hard seeing friends’ babies when we are trying to have a little one of our own. It’s only been five months now that James and I have been trying to conceive. But it has been a heart breaking rollercoaster for five months. With my current crazy cycles since being diagnosed with PCOS this summer, I have to use ovulation kits to tell when I am ovulating. I take my basal body temperature every morning. It’s very methodical….and frustrating. You do all that work to try to make sure everything is at opportune moment, and so far the end result has been the same. James reminded me yesterday, due to my frustration over my crazy cycle that there have been others that haven’t gotten pregnant right away and that it has been heart breaking to other women too. 

It’s hard to look to God with thanksgiving in this situation…but my prayer often is that while I don’t want to go through this, I will as long as God will someday make use of my pain. I know that I will be so thankful when that day comes that I get to hold my own little child and hear them call me mommy, and not have it be an accident, but have it be with heartfelt love. With pregnancy not happening yet, James and I have talked more about how we will foster parent one day. We have talked about how if it doesn’t happen for us soon, we will likely have to wait until I am done with school and have established a job. Right now it would work out where if I got pregnant soon I’d have a semester off from school before starting nursing school. Then I would be able to adjust to work and baby before work, school, and baby. But, again…my timing is not God’s timing. And He will make all things work together for my good. In spite of the pain and heartbreak I feel along the way.