Waiting on God to show His face.

I feel numb and full of tears that for some reason won’t flow. I know there is a reason for everything, and that God will work this out for our good, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Life seems so dull right now, my heart aches. It is real, this is really happening to me. Is this reason in present the reason that I’ve had the life of struggle? There has to be a reason, maybe it’s just to give me the experience to open my heart and give me more tenderness than I already have. 

Music is the only thing that really has been helping, makes me realize God is so faithful and He is with me, even in my brokenness and hurting. It was so hard this morning going to get my HCG drawn for what is hopefully going to be the last time for this mess I’m in. There was a cute pregnant lady, and a cute little newborn. My heart cried out to God as I held back my tears. I am sure everyone was looking at me like I was a crazy woman. Making me realize, even more not to judge those who are around you, because you never know what is going on in their life. 

Jonny Diaz’s song waiting room says, “When that miracle comes cause your answer is yes, I will praise you with all of my days. But when your wisdom declares that a no is best, I will praise you just the same.” It is what I am experiencing right now. I cannot wait to be a mommy here on earth, I know some day it will happen. Otherwise I don’t think he would put me through this heartache. There has to be a blessing coming my way. I keep thinking of Facing the Giants when the wife gets told she’s not pregnant again, and how she looks up the sky and says, “I will still love you.” I still love you God, even with my heart aching. I will wait on you, and hope to see your purpose for this at some point. You are too big of a God to let this happen for no reason. Like Josh Wilson says, “'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming” and I have to say I am waiting for that joy. He says, “…the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning” I’m waiting on the morning Lord. But as for I now I will just listen to the line that says, “the pain that you’ve been feeling, it’s just the hurt before the healing” heal me Lord. I’m waiting on You. Waiting, for You to help me out.

The hardest thing right now, is living with parents and not wanting to tell them. Not wanting an argument, not wanting to cry in front of people, not wanting their pity or sorry voices, just wanting prayers and hugs. But how do you get prayer of hugs when you are hush about it? I don’t want stares. I just want life to feel normal again, for this hurt to go away. I want to be a mom to a child here on Earth and not in Heaven. 

Jess