Thankful, yet Still Hurting

I am so thankful for understanding friends and good music. Because, I have to say it is so hard to look around and see pregnancy and babies all around. I get on facebook and there they are, television there there, the grocery store yup saw them there too, upstairs in my nightstand drawer I have my birth to conception magazine. I was so excited to look at it when I got it, and now it brings heart ache. I go back and forth. I’ll be doing good when suddenly I’ll be filled with tears of sadness and grief. 

Living with Jay and Deana, father-in-law and step-mom, makes things harder. When I told Jay I had PCOS he said that it was probably God’s way of making sure no babies would be in his house. Is this God’s way too? Just so I won't feel the joys of being pregnant, because we are living in your house? We haven’t told them because I can’t deal with any negative sayings. So as far as they know right now I am going through a really bad menstrual cycle. How sad is that? To have to lie and cover up a death of a little one, just so I won’t have to hear with his insensitive comments. Then he has the nerve to say we should stay a little longer, we don't want to. It has been a blessing and a curse living here. I want a life with my husband, where we don't have to be so close to family ties and hear praise or complaints about other family members.

I keep thinking about a website that had things women has submitted about struggling to conceive, and how one said they never thought how insensitive it really could be to ask a couple when they were going to have kids. You never know, they could be trying and not having success. If people ask me, I’m liable to tell them the truth. And say, instead of asking me like this, and breaking my heart one more time, like every month when I get another negative staring up at me, why don’t you pray for me. I’d rather pray for a couple that looks like they’d be good with kids then ask, just because I now know what their pain could be. I’d rather have them blessed with a baby if they aren’t trying then plagued with infertility when trying.

I think about when we will tell our families about what we are going through. When we have our own house. I wonder if it will be a happy holiday to me, knowing I would be about ready to tell them all that we were with child. Or if will come out like, Happy freaking holidays, I miscarried 3 days before thanksgiving. I also keep thinking about mother’s day next year. I keep thinking about how hard it was this past mother’s day without going through this. Without having a little one, and now I have a little one…he/she is just in heaven with Jesus.  Yet, I know to many people I would not be seen as a mommy. Even though I have that in my heart, even though I take care of other children’s kids, even though I had to go through a miscarriage when they don’t know the pain of even trying. I’m going to try and make sure not to be bitter, but it is hard. Even without enduring this. My heart was sick, seeing other women take their babies for granted when you are trying so hard each month. When their baby was a “mistake” and your baby is trying to be an on purpose, with basal body temperatures daily, ovulation test strips, pre-seed lubricant, vitamins, trying to eat healthier, and a tea that is supposed to strengthen your uterus. Just the relaxing, perfect environment for beautiful baby making. You learn when trying that it isn’t so easy to make a baby. That KY and other lubes kill little sperms, that you probably should stick to certain positions when doing the deed, that you’ll spend more money on things to help you get pregnant than going out with friends or a mini vacation with your hubby. 

I know that this is making me stronger and will help me minister to other hurting women at some point, but it doesn’t make it much easier on my heart. At least, not when the pain and hurt is immediately in front of me; when my brain gets stuck in a rut, thinking and grieving. Yet when I think about my past and all I have been through…how can I not be thankful? God has shaped me into what I think is a beautiful woman. I have to have faith that things will work out. Plus from all of this, James and I have prayed together every night for the past five nights or so in a row. I now have a supply of blood thinners for when I get the next positive. I have to believe that my Father who is heaven knows my pain, and will one day make it worth it. One day God will bless James and I with our own home, children, and the desires of our heart will be fulfilled. Until that day, our hearts have to stay with Jesus while we keep our hand and feet moving on this world.