First off prayer request.
I don't want to share too much of what will probably be the most amazing thing to tell all of us, but Crystal at the blog I Think It Is Time had her triplets Sunday. She is doing well and the babies are in the NICU. Prayers would be appreciated. I haven't gotten an update yet today, so I am just praying all is well. So keep Crystal, her husband, and their new little bambinos in your prayers!! She was a little over 26 weeks along so it was unexpected this early! ♥ Love you Crystal! and Congrats Momma!!
Often things strike my heart and want to come bursting forth. They come spilling out onto the page, or computer screen. With ink filling pages or my fingers flying across the keyboard, my mind going a million miles a minute, and my heart crying out to be heard. Here is where you’ll find those things, my little notes on life.
Little Bit About Me
- Jess
- First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.
Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Updates
Britney's Brother was released home tonight. He has a back brace he has to wear for the next three months while his fractures heal. He should have been quite a bit worse off she said, especially considering the condition of driver and passenger. Thank you for your prayers!!
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Ok so this topic doesn't fit with the above...but guess who got EWCM at CD11?!?! THIS girl >>>>ME! This has NEVER happened before! The earliest I have seen it was CD 14 way back when we first started ttc. Of course I don't know if I ovulated because I am not using OPKs or temping, but now wishing I was.
Wowza. Still planning on a 32 day cycle, but poas might begin at CD30 depending how I feel. Or if AF isnt here by then. Because if I did O then AF should be here in 12ish days. Would be the shorted cycle for me to date.
Praying and trying not to get TOO hopeful.
Need to kick it in gear after this weekend my diet wasn't the greatest.
And I am thinking about trying to pick up some day shifts soon at work...3 days a pay period isn't going to cut it....especially since I am dreaming of an IUI in May on top of all of my Maid of Honor duties and such! If it doesnt happen til July I won't be heart broken. But really I am hoping the IUI savings fund turns into a baby fund. We will see..... =D
Love ya ladies!
Monday, December 12, 2011
When it Rains it Pours, We need to Pour out Prayers
Holy toots, today we got some crazy news. Where my family is there is bound to be drama. With my Dad's side it spurs from my father. With my Mom's side you have two choices: Aunt P or Aunt K's family.
Aunt K is the mom to my cousin M that got the girl preggers, just so you can have a reference point.
My cousin today came out with some startling news. News that if you knew him and didn't take into affect emotions, and thought about how he was supposed to have a court date that has a huge possibility of tossing him into jail (be praying!) you would say...NO WAY he is so LYING. But he cried. M doesn't cry. Ever.
Here is the tidbits of the story I got second hand.
M heard a noise from his sister's room and he decided that it was time to tell the truth: his dad had been molesting him since he was young. My mom got the call to pick him up. And he said to her something along the lines of, "I knew I was probably going to go to jail tomorrow, and I couldn't go to jail knowing that she wouldn't be safe from him. I can go to jail now, knowing she will be safe." And he cried. And cried. and cried.
When my Mom asked him why his mom didn't know, why she didn't do anything. M's response? "How did she not hear Aunt S?" She asked him, "You lived with me for a year, M...why didn't you tell me?" His response..."I couldn't deal with S's (my sister's) looks and judgement." And then he cried. He CRIED. How could my mom NOT believe him, I really think she is on the fence. He needs someone to believe in him. And I do, I believe.
M usually doesn't make sense and you can see right through his lies, or maybe that is just me.
When my mom was telling me this, I fell to my knees on the ground and cried. I haven't fallen to my knees like that since I got the first news that I was miscarrying soon. In the midst of my tears after talking to my mom, I sat on my butt and prayed, and prayed.
My cousin A said nothing happened. But if it happened to M...maybe it did, or maybe it will. About cousin A saying nothing happened...I asked mom...so did they do a swab or an exam to make sure? "No, she said nothing happened." SERIOUSLY? How many little kids are going to be brave enough to say yes, especially if they know they won't get to live with their parents.
But then again A understands what is going on a little bit, because in the past when M lived with my mom she asked her, "Aunt S, if something happens....can I come live with you?" Break my heart into a million pieces.
I just hope they believe M in spite of his lying past. I pray that my cousins will be safe, and be able to be out of that environment. I poured out my heart to God and said shame on me for praying so hard for a baby all the time and forgetting to pray for these two, when something within me since I was in high school has said I would fight for custody if I was older. My mom has always poo-pooed it off. And she kind of is this situation too.
If M doesn't get placed in jail, it is obvious he will not be able to return home. James and I would have to have a serious talk with each other and M, but I would love to extend our home open to him. M has a history of lying, stealing, and misbehaving. BUT with a positive male role model in a loving home M blossoms. I can't explain it, you'd have to see it to believe it.
It is one of those situations where you wish it didn't make sense. I wish I could say things didn't line up. But they do. His history of misbehaving, of fighting with my Uncle, of early sexual behavior, and choosing to go back home from my mom's.
Now I think the reason he chose to go home was for A. He is a good kid underneath it all, just has had a shitty hand dealt to him when it came to parents. Ones that couldn't overcome their past, which reminds me...we honestly know nothing about my Uncle's past. I have always wondered, but he would never talk about it. And now it makes you wonder if there is a reason why...a reason why he doesn't see his kids from past marriage.
So I am asking again for prayer, but not prayer for me (well maybe to be able to have the option to bring him into our home)...instead prayer for my cousins. Prayers that the cops would believe M if what he is saying is true. I say if lightly, because I believe him. I believe. And it makes me feel sick.
Now I am thinking about having to find the money to buy a 17 year old clothes, food, and help him to become a man instead of a boy in a man's body. Where God guides God will provide. That is what I have to lean on at this point.
Aunt K is the mom to my cousin M that got the girl preggers, just so you can have a reference point.
My cousin today came out with some startling news. News that if you knew him and didn't take into affect emotions, and thought about how he was supposed to have a court date that has a huge possibility of tossing him into jail (be praying!) you would say...NO WAY he is so LYING. But he cried. M doesn't cry. Ever.
Here is the tidbits of the story I got second hand.
M heard a noise from his sister's room and he decided that it was time to tell the truth: his dad had been molesting him since he was young. My mom got the call to pick him up. And he said to her something along the lines of, "I knew I was probably going to go to jail tomorrow, and I couldn't go to jail knowing that she wouldn't be safe from him. I can go to jail now, knowing she will be safe." And he cried. And cried. and cried.
When my Mom asked him why his mom didn't know, why she didn't do anything. M's response? "How did she not hear Aunt S?" She asked him, "You lived with me for a year, M...why didn't you tell me?" His response..."I couldn't deal with S's (my sister's) looks and judgement." And then he cried. He CRIED. How could my mom NOT believe him, I really think she is on the fence. He needs someone to believe in him. And I do, I believe.
M usually doesn't make sense and you can see right through his lies, or maybe that is just me.
When my mom was telling me this, I fell to my knees on the ground and cried. I haven't fallen to my knees like that since I got the first news that I was miscarrying soon. In the midst of my tears after talking to my mom, I sat on my butt and prayed, and prayed.
My cousin A said nothing happened. But if it happened to M...maybe it did, or maybe it will. About cousin A saying nothing happened...I asked mom...so did they do a swab or an exam to make sure? "No, she said nothing happened." SERIOUSLY? How many little kids are going to be brave enough to say yes, especially if they know they won't get to live with their parents.
But then again A understands what is going on a little bit, because in the past when M lived with my mom she asked her, "Aunt S, if something happens....can I come live with you?" Break my heart into a million pieces.
I just hope they believe M in spite of his lying past. I pray that my cousins will be safe, and be able to be out of that environment. I poured out my heart to God and said shame on me for praying so hard for a baby all the time and forgetting to pray for these two, when something within me since I was in high school has said I would fight for custody if I was older. My mom has always poo-pooed it off. And she kind of is this situation too.
If M doesn't get placed in jail, it is obvious he will not be able to return home. James and I would have to have a serious talk with each other and M, but I would love to extend our home open to him. M has a history of lying, stealing, and misbehaving. BUT with a positive male role model in a loving home M blossoms. I can't explain it, you'd have to see it to believe it.
It is one of those situations where you wish it didn't make sense. I wish I could say things didn't line up. But they do. His history of misbehaving, of fighting with my Uncle, of early sexual behavior, and choosing to go back home from my mom's.
Now I think the reason he chose to go home was for A. He is a good kid underneath it all, just has had a shitty hand dealt to him when it came to parents. Ones that couldn't overcome their past, which reminds me...we honestly know nothing about my Uncle's past. I have always wondered, but he would never talk about it. And now it makes you wonder if there is a reason why...a reason why he doesn't see his kids from past marriage.
So I am asking again for prayer, but not prayer for me (well maybe to be able to have the option to bring him into our home)...instead prayer for my cousins. Prayers that the cops would believe M if what he is saying is true. I say if lightly, because I believe him. I believe. And it makes me feel sick.
Now I am thinking about having to find the money to buy a 17 year old clothes, food, and help him to become a man instead of a boy in a man's body. Where God guides God will provide. That is what I have to lean on at this point.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Glimmer of Hope.
Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.
My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.
My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.
Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?
Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)
Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).
Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"
I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?
On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.
Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.
♥ Jess
My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.
My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.
Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?
Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)
Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).
Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"
I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?
On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.
Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.
♥ Jess
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Let it Begin...
What you may ask?
Clomid Cycle #2.
I will call the doctor tomorrow to get my prescription called in. I will pick it up CD 3 and take it then through CD7. Which incidentally lines up with the day of the month again. My cycle wanted me to have it easy obviously.
After this month one more cycle on Clomid before a break (unless I am not in the nursing program and then it will be up for negotiation).
Praying September brings me good news. Into the RN program and a baby (or babies) in my womb. A good relaxing vacation. Busy season at both of our work places allowing for us to save up money, prepare for winter, and still somehow manage to see each other and not be snippy with each other.
Either way, I am praying God gives us peace to do more than endure through whatever He has planned for us. I want to live life to the fullest. ♥
Jess
Clomid Cycle #2.
I will call the doctor tomorrow to get my prescription called in. I will pick it up CD 3 and take it then through CD7. Which incidentally lines up with the day of the month again. My cycle wanted me to have it easy obviously.
After this month one more cycle on Clomid before a break (unless I am not in the nursing program and then it will be up for negotiation).
Praying September brings me good news. Into the RN program and a baby (or babies) in my womb. A good relaxing vacation. Busy season at both of our work places allowing for us to save up money, prepare for winter, and still somehow manage to see each other and not be snippy with each other.
Either way, I am praying God gives us peace to do more than endure through whatever He has planned for us. I want to live life to the fullest. ♥
Jess
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Darker OPK, Prayers, and More.
I got an even darker OPK at 3 this morning. SO I think it is safe to say I O'd this morning (as it is light again). So one more chance to try for this cycle and then I will try not to obsess over any "symptoms" and leave it up to whatever the test says near the end of my wait.
AF should be here the 30th or 31st. Don't worry, if I get pregnant, I am sure you all will be the first to know. Besides a few texts to friends that I know will pray for me and my future child. I am thinking some close friends and maybe family will know around 6 or 8 weeks simply because I would like to celebrate my future pregnancies. Instead of it being a, "Surprise, I was pregnant!" after I miscarry.
I am praying this month will be it. Then we can stop TTC for a long while. Please dear God bless us. Bless us by placing your hand on my body and allowing for conception to take place. Allow for a healthy spot in my womb to be the home for my future child. Help the child to be 100% healthy with no diseases or defects. Help me to hold the next baby that I will get pregnant with. Jesus, I know I have struggled recently with this journey I am on. Forgive me for wanting to throw in the towel on all of it. I know that you are the reason for life itself. So I am asking for abundant blessings in the form of children. In Jesus name, Amen.
Can I share another little aspect that has been tugging on my heart. I know I said I wanted to do foster care. To adopt. (Can I mention that our county STILL hasn't called me back, so I am wondering if this door too is being shut to us, or if I need to be more persistent) The two things that have been on the "NO way" list has been domestic infant and international adoption for me. It's expensive, a large process, and something that I never felt the draw to. Until recently, the tug to get a little girl from China. Why China? Because of their practice of late term abortion, especially on little girls. It tugs at my heart. I would love to help the brave souls that carry their baby to term instead of getting an abortion in that society. So maybe our family will be mixed with biological, foster care children, and a little one adopted from China. If the China thing comes to pass, we will definitely need some help. I have seen several fundraiser ideas that we will implement if that truly is a route we are meant to go down.
One other little factoid. I heard a quote on the radio station a few days ago stating that Planned Parenthood believes we should become more like China. And have a 1 child maximum. Because if we do not abort fetuses after that point we will be over populated in a short time. Seriously. And this is our great resource for unplanned pregnancy? I think not. It makes me sick. I watched a video on abortion in the U.S. It disgusted me. To think I crave to have a child so desperately bad and their are so many women that choose to end their child's life. It makes me sick to my stomach that they have been taught the lie and believe that abortion is their best, or only, choice. Because honestly, I think it takes more of a woman to go through the pregnancy and put them up for adoption than to have an abortion. An abortion is something that seems like a "quick fix" at the time. Yet they will have to deal with later in life. The fact that they killed that child. Regardless of religion as Planned Parenthood states. But with adoption you have to experience pregnancy. Go through labor. People will see you pregnant. And then the mother says good bye to a child she actually gets to SEE. That is love. To know you cannot or do not want to provide for that little being and still choosing life for them. It is a blessing to the adoptive family and that little boy or girl.
I'll step off my soap box. Time to go wake up my husband in hopes of procreating! tehe =P
♥ Jess
AF should be here the 30th or 31st. Don't worry, if I get pregnant, I am sure you all will be the first to know. Besides a few texts to friends that I know will pray for me and my future child. I am thinking some close friends and maybe family will know around 6 or 8 weeks simply because I would like to celebrate my future pregnancies. Instead of it being a, "Surprise, I was pregnant!" after I miscarry.
I am praying this month will be it. Then we can stop TTC for a long while. Please dear God bless us. Bless us by placing your hand on my body and allowing for conception to take place. Allow for a healthy spot in my womb to be the home for my future child. Help the child to be 100% healthy with no diseases or defects. Help me to hold the next baby that I will get pregnant with. Jesus, I know I have struggled recently with this journey I am on. Forgive me for wanting to throw in the towel on all of it. I know that you are the reason for life itself. So I am asking for abundant blessings in the form of children. In Jesus name, Amen.
Can I share another little aspect that has been tugging on my heart. I know I said I wanted to do foster care. To adopt. (Can I mention that our county STILL hasn't called me back, so I am wondering if this door too is being shut to us, or if I need to be more persistent) The two things that have been on the "NO way" list has been domestic infant and international adoption for me. It's expensive, a large process, and something that I never felt the draw to. Until recently, the tug to get a little girl from China. Why China? Because of their practice of late term abortion, especially on little girls. It tugs at my heart. I would love to help the brave souls that carry their baby to term instead of getting an abortion in that society. So maybe our family will be mixed with biological, foster care children, and a little one adopted from China. If the China thing comes to pass, we will definitely need some help. I have seen several fundraiser ideas that we will implement if that truly is a route we are meant to go down.
One other little factoid. I heard a quote on the radio station a few days ago stating that Planned Parenthood believes we should become more like China. And have a 1 child maximum. Because if we do not abort fetuses after that point we will be over populated in a short time. Seriously. And this is our great resource for unplanned pregnancy? I think not. It makes me sick. I watched a video on abortion in the U.S. It disgusted me. To think I crave to have a child so desperately bad and their are so many women that choose to end their child's life. It makes me sick to my stomach that they have been taught the lie and believe that abortion is their best, or only, choice. Because honestly, I think it takes more of a woman to go through the pregnancy and put them up for adoption than to have an abortion. An abortion is something that seems like a "quick fix" at the time. Yet they will have to deal with later in life. The fact that they killed that child. Regardless of religion as Planned Parenthood states. But with adoption you have to experience pregnancy. Go through labor. People will see you pregnant. And then the mother says good bye to a child she actually gets to SEE. That is love. To know you cannot or do not want to provide for that little being and still choosing life for them. It is a blessing to the adoptive family and that little boy or girl.
I'll step off my soap box. Time to go wake up my husband in hopes of procreating! tehe =P
♥ Jess
Monday, August 8, 2011
Praying in Color
Today when reading another blog I discovered the concept of drawing to pray It is based on the book, Praying in Color: Drawing a New Path to God by Sybil Macbeth. I definitely think I may have to pick this book up. I LOVE to doodle. And if I can doodle to pray, that sounds like an awesome idea to me!
If I start, I promise I will post pictures =)
If I start, I promise I will post pictures =)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
God Speaking?
Today I have heard most of the songs I listened to when going through the miscarriages all on the radio, pretty much right in a row. Then there was a person talking about having fertility issues too. And when I opened by Girlfriends in God devotional (from BibleGateway.com) it was about fertility issues too. This devotional spoke to my heart. It talks about how most women crave to be a mommy, it's their #1 dream. On this topic she said:
The devotional is a cliffhanger too, will definitely be checking my email to see what tomorrow's story will bring!
One more thing, probably TMI...so that's your little disclosure that you can stop reading if you wish. :) I got a positive on my ovulation predictor kit. And lets just say our $20 of pre-seed isn't going to waste. It's nice trying to conceive again. It will be nice when I'm pregnant again too. I cannot wait for that day! So if anyone is curious I'm on my two week wait to see what my future brings, two dark pink lines or one. This month I truly was specific in my prayers. That my egg would be mature, James's sperm filled with lots of healthy swimmers, that chromosonally the gametes would be healthy, That the sperm would get up to my cervix and into my tubes, picking the right side for the egg. Praying, praying, praying for all that is to come. And I just can't help but believe that a baby is in my future. Makes me nervous and excited, all wrapped up into one!
Have a blessed day!
♥ Jess
And of all the dreams of a woman, this one can be the cause of the most pain. Not being able to have children, rebellion of the children we do have, or losing a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or untimely death can be one of the most heart wrenching experiences of a woman's life. It hits at the very core of womanhood.And she hits it right on the nose. It makes you question your being. Your ability as a wife, as a women, and the possibility of being a mother and eventually a grandmother. To have a family. Hits the very core of a woman. Hit my very core. And all of these stories and facts that I learn along the way give me hope. Yet, the devotional used this scripture: "The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made" (Psalm 145:13b NIV). And if makes me think, God has not promised me that I will carry a baby to term. But He has said He knows the desires of my heart. Therefore, I know I will one day be a mother. I'm just keeping faith that I will get to experience the amazing journey of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.
The devotional is a cliffhanger too, will definitely be checking my email to see what tomorrow's story will bring!
One more thing, probably TMI...so that's your little disclosure that you can stop reading if you wish. :) I got a positive on my ovulation predictor kit. And lets just say our $20 of pre-seed isn't going to waste. It's nice trying to conceive again. It will be nice when I'm pregnant again too. I cannot wait for that day! So if anyone is curious I'm on my two week wait to see what my future brings, two dark pink lines or one. This month I truly was specific in my prayers. That my egg would be mature, James's sperm filled with lots of healthy swimmers, that chromosonally the gametes would be healthy, That the sperm would get up to my cervix and into my tubes, picking the right side for the egg. Praying, praying, praying for all that is to come. And I just can't help but believe that a baby is in my future. Makes me nervous and excited, all wrapped up into one!
Have a blessed day!
♥ Jess
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Making Me Wonder
I just watched a documentary, Pregnant in America. It was an eye opener in some aspects, but in many it wasn't. First of all, did you know that it's recommended that c-sections do not go above 10% for a national average? And that the USA is at 30%! That is 1 out of 3 women that are getting caesarians! How crazy is that? And this data is a little data, 2006 I believe. I am floored, but a point of why this could be is obvious in two areas. First of all, women do not fully understand that your due date is more like a guess date. Your baby could be two weeks late and healthy as an ox (though maybe as big as one too, haha). Because Drs. push for c-sections. When your belly is looking like you're gonna pop, but your cervix says nope the Drs. push for either a c-section if the baby is looking large, or to be induced. And often this also ties in with the second main reason for c-sections. Drs schedules. I remember my sister in law saying that her Dr wanted to induce her because she was going to be on vacation, well at least this Dr. was honest. The one in the video simply pushed for c-section saying the baby was "too large" for her stature. Funny, the day after he scheduled her c-section (which she didn't go through with) he was on vacation.
Another thing truly got my attention the area where they talk about cytotec being given for induction of labor. I can tell you one thing...if a Dr ever comes at me with it when I am slow to come into full blown labor then they will get an earful. I may ask for the sheet documenting all the risks for pregnant women, highlight them. And pass it back saying "No way am I going to put myself or my baby at risk" To top it off, why would I want to use the same drug that help me pass my child that stopped growing at 6 weeks. I knew FDA didn't recommend for women, but the fact that a Dr. can still prescribe it as such is kind of shocking to me.
The video talks about various things, like how women are strong enough to endure natural child birth. And that we should go through it so we can feel empowered. A man even stated something along the lines of, he never saw a women in her full power until he saw her deliver naturally. I cannot wait to go down that road. Heck, I cannot wait to be pregnant. This month is our first month back in the trying to conceive business. I am excited, but now my brain is questioning so many more things!
Like how come birth is cheaper in Canada (by exponential amount if facing c-section)? Or how come Holland does mostly home births and here in the US it's like you are an alien if you tell some one you won't be going to a hospital unless it's an emergency? And where can I comfortably fit in in all of this? I have always wanted to have a baby with a midwife, maybe with a water birth! Yet, with me having to be on blood thinners when pregnant I doubt that that can even be a possibility. Let alone an at home birth that I think would be amazing. I do not want to sit in a hospital bed eating just ice chips when I am laboring. I want to have choices. I want to be able to move around, maybe give birth in a different position than flat on my back. Yet, with my hospital being Sparrow at the moment I am going to have to do some research. I was attempting to do some research when I saw they just have delivered their 250,000 baby. Amazing! But, any further research may wait, because I feel as if my brain is too much on baby, and not enough on God. I need to leave it up to him, but I have to tell ya...it is SO hard to give up that control.
I was praying last night, and I think the hardest thing to admit is that lately I have been worrying, stressing, and being anxious more than praying to God. And over lots of things, not just baby. lol I am trying to give these things over to God. They are not from Him, nor are they mine to keep! Last night was a busy night, I couldn't sleep so I spent some time with God. I read week 1 of Praying Through Your Pregnancy (if you want to check out her website click here). The first week of book is all about pre-conception and giving it up to God. And I just got over week 1 not to long ago. Soon enough it will be ovulation time and the dreaded two week wait. I'm just going to have faith that within the next three months a small one will be growing healthily in my womb. and that a year or less I will be holding a baby in my arms.
I also started writing in my journal(s) again last night. Writing letters to my child that I am sure I will one day meet, my prayer journal, and I also started reading my Bible. I want to start reading it every day, will you keep me accountable? I don't even know for sure if people truly read my blog, lol so a post from someone to keep me on track would be wonderful. To help with this, accountability partner or not, I'm going to try to post a little blip on what I am reading. Like last night, I started in Luke and I began to think about how amazing it is that John in Elizabeth's womb knew Jesus was inside of Mary. John wiggled for joy, so much that Elizabeth knew for sure. Simply by hearing Mary's voice. How amazing is that? :-) Makes me smile.
Hope you all have a blessed day! I am off to shower (yes, I realize it's 530 and I'm still in PJs. I didn't get out of them at all yesterday either, so there!) and then do some more chores around the house & go get some hangers so I can hang up the rest of James's clothes. I tell ya, for as much as he has teased me about having too many clothes in the past...I think he beats me now!
Another thing truly got my attention the area where they talk about cytotec being given for induction of labor. I can tell you one thing...if a Dr ever comes at me with it when I am slow to come into full blown labor then they will get an earful. I may ask for the sheet documenting all the risks for pregnant women, highlight them. And pass it back saying "No way am I going to put myself or my baby at risk" To top it off, why would I want to use the same drug that help me pass my child that stopped growing at 6 weeks. I knew FDA didn't recommend for women, but the fact that a Dr. can still prescribe it as such is kind of shocking to me.
The video talks about various things, like how women are strong enough to endure natural child birth. And that we should go through it so we can feel empowered. A man even stated something along the lines of, he never saw a women in her full power until he saw her deliver naturally. I cannot wait to go down that road. Heck, I cannot wait to be pregnant. This month is our first month back in the trying to conceive business. I am excited, but now my brain is questioning so many more things!
Like how come birth is cheaper in Canada (by exponential amount if facing c-section)? Or how come Holland does mostly home births and here in the US it's like you are an alien if you tell some one you won't be going to a hospital unless it's an emergency? And where can I comfortably fit in in all of this? I have always wanted to have a baby with a midwife, maybe with a water birth! Yet, with me having to be on blood thinners when pregnant I doubt that that can even be a possibility. Let alone an at home birth that I think would be amazing. I do not want to sit in a hospital bed eating just ice chips when I am laboring. I want to have choices. I want to be able to move around, maybe give birth in a different position than flat on my back. Yet, with my hospital being Sparrow at the moment I am going to have to do some research. I was attempting to do some research when I saw they just have delivered their 250,000 baby. Amazing! But, any further research may wait, because I feel as if my brain is too much on baby, and not enough on God. I need to leave it up to him, but I have to tell ya...it is SO hard to give up that control.
I was praying last night, and I think the hardest thing to admit is that lately I have been worrying, stressing, and being anxious more than praying to God. And over lots of things, not just baby. lol I am trying to give these things over to God. They are not from Him, nor are they mine to keep! Last night was a busy night, I couldn't sleep so I spent some time with God. I read week 1 of Praying Through Your Pregnancy (if you want to check out her website click here). The first week of book is all about pre-conception and giving it up to God. And I just got over week 1 not to long ago. Soon enough it will be ovulation time and the dreaded two week wait. I'm just going to have faith that within the next three months a small one will be growing healthily in my womb. and that a year or less I will be holding a baby in my arms.
I also started writing in my journal(s) again last night. Writing letters to my child that I am sure I will one day meet, my prayer journal, and I also started reading my Bible. I want to start reading it every day, will you keep me accountable? I don't even know for sure if people truly read my blog, lol so a post from someone to keep me on track would be wonderful. To help with this, accountability partner or not, I'm going to try to post a little blip on what I am reading. Like last night, I started in Luke and I began to think about how amazing it is that John in Elizabeth's womb knew Jesus was inside of Mary. John wiggled for joy, so much that Elizabeth knew for sure. Simply by hearing Mary's voice. How amazing is that? :-) Makes me smile.
Hope you all have a blessed day! I am off to shower (yes, I realize it's 530 and I'm still in PJs. I didn't get out of them at all yesterday either, so there!) and then do some more chores around the house & go get some hangers so I can hang up the rest of James's clothes. I tell ya, for as much as he has teased me about having too many clothes in the past...I think he beats me now!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
At the Potters Wheel.
I think about watching other people work at a potters wheel and how amazing it is to see the clay take shape into something of their own design. Yet, sometimes the clay has a mind of it's own a sets catastrophic reactions. The piece originally meant to be created isn't there, and they have to supplement a new piece of art. By molding the clay into a mere slab again and beginning again.
Imagine being that clay, imagine how disappointing it would be to go from a potential beautiful piece of art into a slab, struck down by the creator. I am so thankful that God doesn't make mistakes, and that even when I choose to make decisions out of his discretion He already knows about it and has a different path set before me. He doesn't get annoyed or give up. He purposefully starts to work at my life, slowly but surely creating me to be a creation that He not only loves, but cherishes.
God has been writing things on my heart for a long time. To think about all that I have been through leading me to this point in my life, where it is truly amazing to see blessing pouring in at last! Blessings that have the chance to be shadowed by sadness and impatience. Yet, God still is continuing to write things on my heart.
When you go through a miscarriage, you not only face the loss of your child, loss of hope/dreams for the child, a change in your marriage, but also the green monster: jealousy. I have so many pregnant friends at the moment that this monster tries to plague all those friendships. When, sincerely, I am happy for them in my heart. I am happy and sad at the same time. And thankful that God created me to be complex enough to feel both. It keeps me in check with jealousy trying to vie for my attention.
This hasn't gone initially where I had planned it to go, but it's honest none the less. My husband has been at the potters wheel also, as he still is today. I can see God trying to change him, and Satan still getting time to creep in. His temper sometimes comes out in swear words, "shop talk" as he tries to label it at times. This isn't my true husband at those moments. My husband is the man that is beginning to read is Bible daily, while I am still struggling and to be honest haven't even attempted lately. Be praying for me for that one.
Yet, God worked on my husbands heart before this time, before our miscarriages, before being diagnosed with PCOS, and before I ever had a blood clot. A prayer warrior prayed over him and asked God to allow us to get pregnant and not struggle. Praise be to this man that is so close to God that he could know, even before my problems had shown up. Thank you Jesus for prayer warriors that are able to walk closer to you, than I can even imagine! But, before this God also had him at the wheel. There was a series on Family Life Radio about a little girl's short life in the hospital, and how God worked through it, shaping them. I had no clue it was on, my husband on the other hand, told me he had been listening to it for the week, and today was the last section of the broadcast. He said he thought it would be good to listen to it together. Thank you God for bringing up this subject in our marriage before it had happened to us. Thank you for bringing us closer then, and now because of those broadcasts and conversations. And thank you God for all that you are going to do in our lives. With all the shaping going on, I cannot wait to see the rest of what you have in store for us.
Imagine being that clay, imagine how disappointing it would be to go from a potential beautiful piece of art into a slab, struck down by the creator. I am so thankful that God doesn't make mistakes, and that even when I choose to make decisions out of his discretion He already knows about it and has a different path set before me. He doesn't get annoyed or give up. He purposefully starts to work at my life, slowly but surely creating me to be a creation that He not only loves, but cherishes.
God has been writing things on my heart for a long time. To think about all that I have been through leading me to this point in my life, where it is truly amazing to see blessing pouring in at last! Blessings that have the chance to be shadowed by sadness and impatience. Yet, God still is continuing to write things on my heart.
When you go through a miscarriage, you not only face the loss of your child, loss of hope/dreams for the child, a change in your marriage, but also the green monster: jealousy. I have so many pregnant friends at the moment that this monster tries to plague all those friendships. When, sincerely, I am happy for them in my heart. I am happy and sad at the same time. And thankful that God created me to be complex enough to feel both. It keeps me in check with jealousy trying to vie for my attention.
This hasn't gone initially where I had planned it to go, but it's honest none the less. My husband has been at the potters wheel also, as he still is today. I can see God trying to change him, and Satan still getting time to creep in. His temper sometimes comes out in swear words, "shop talk" as he tries to label it at times. This isn't my true husband at those moments. My husband is the man that is beginning to read is Bible daily, while I am still struggling and to be honest haven't even attempted lately. Be praying for me for that one.
Yet, God worked on my husbands heart before this time, before our miscarriages, before being diagnosed with PCOS, and before I ever had a blood clot. A prayer warrior prayed over him and asked God to allow us to get pregnant and not struggle. Praise be to this man that is so close to God that he could know, even before my problems had shown up. Thank you Jesus for prayer warriors that are able to walk closer to you, than I can even imagine! But, before this God also had him at the wheel. There was a series on Family Life Radio about a little girl's short life in the hospital, and how God worked through it, shaping them. I had no clue it was on, my husband on the other hand, told me he had been listening to it for the week, and today was the last section of the broadcast. He said he thought it would be good to listen to it together. Thank you God for bringing up this subject in our marriage before it had happened to us. Thank you for bringing us closer then, and now because of those broadcasts and conversations. And thank you God for all that you are going to do in our lives. With all the shaping going on, I cannot wait to see the rest of what you have in store for us.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Waiting on God to show His face.
I feel numb and full of tears that for some reason won’t flow. I know there is a reason for everything, and that God will work this out for our good, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Life seems so dull right now, my heart aches. It is real, this is really happening to me. Is this reason in present the reason that I’ve had the life of struggle? There has to be a reason, maybe it’s just to give me the experience to open my heart and give me more tenderness than I already have.
Music is the only thing that really has been helping, makes me realize God is so faithful and He is with me, even in my brokenness and hurting. It was so hard this morning going to get my HCG drawn for what is hopefully going to be the last time for this mess I’m in. There was a cute pregnant lady, and a cute little newborn. My heart cried out to God as I held back my tears. I am sure everyone was looking at me like I was a crazy woman. Making me realize, even more not to judge those who are around you, because you never know what is going on in their life.
Jonny Diaz’s song waiting room says, “When that miracle comes cause your answer is yes, I will praise you with all of my days. But when your wisdom declares that a no is best, I will praise you just the same.” It is what I am experiencing right now. I cannot wait to be a mommy here on earth, I know some day it will happen. Otherwise I don’t think he would put me through this heartache. There has to be a blessing coming my way. I keep thinking of Facing the Giants when the wife gets told she’s not pregnant again, and how she looks up the sky and says, “I will still love you.” I still love you God, even with my heart aching. I will wait on you, and hope to see your purpose for this at some point. You are too big of a God to let this happen for no reason. Like Josh Wilson says, “'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming” and I have to say I am waiting for that joy. He says, “…the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning” I’m waiting on the morning Lord. But as for I now I will just listen to the line that says, “the pain that you’ve been feeling, it’s just the hurt before the healing” heal me Lord. I’m waiting on You. Waiting, for You to help me out.
The hardest thing right now, is living with parents and not wanting to tell them. Not wanting an argument, not wanting to cry in front of people, not wanting their pity or sorry voices, just wanting prayers and hugs. But how do you get prayer of hugs when you are hush about it? I don’t want stares. I just want life to feel normal again, for this hurt to go away. I want to be a mom to a child here on Earth and not in Heaven.
Jess
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