Pain

My heart hurts.
These cramps hurt....in lower abdomen and lower back.

I dont want to take ibuprofen because the pain feels how my heart feels, I dont want to pretend it never happened. But I hate the reminder...

TMI but I am wearing pads, because with first and second loss they told me to avoid tampons...so I am following suit this time around. And friends, I hate pads, especially when up moving around. And what I hate even worse is sitting on the toilet having cramps, a sudden pain in cervix and then getting to experience nasty freaking clots every time I go potty. It is digusting and pisses me off. I just want a healthy pregnancy.

It is a miracle that all of us ttc have the ability to face another day, another cycle, another loss while still clinging to God and hope.

Today the Bible verse on my phone is from Proverbs (16:3 maybe?) And says something along the line of, Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be accomplished.

So, I am going to focus on that. It is entirely up to God when we willl have a healthy pregnancy, when we will see another positive test. And when my actions to help lose weight will show up on the scale.

Tonight I will post on Sunday's church service and how it got to me.

I am struggling today, wishing I could have a day to curl up in bed all day and just cry. But I have to go on as nothing has happened because school is so demanding. First Simulation is today. Blah.

Follow Up Dr Appointment

Today was my follow up from my HSG that was done yesterday. It took about 45 minutes to actually see my doctor, but I didn't expect different. It was a Friday in the afternoon, they were bound to be behind.

Upon talking to Dr. H she said that she was hoping that I had a septate uterus that the septum was down close to the cervix, and the cath when inserted for the HSG had to pick a side to go up. That would be the ideal situation. Because a septate uterus can have surgery to be fixed, a cornuate uterus? Not so much.

Yet, we had to face potential reality and also talk about what our plan of action would be and what complications I could face.

First plan of action: find out if kidneys are functioning.

If you have a unicornuate uterus 40% of the time women have one functioning kidney or horseshoe kidneys that never separate. So to diagnose this we need to do an IVP (Intravenous Pyelogram), in order to do this I needed a Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (CMP).

So today I sat in the lab and waited after the appointment. Four hours later,  I called the lab and got the CMP results. My creatine level needed to be 1.4 or less to do the IVP, it was 0.7 so it is a go!

Further Plan of action: Do an IVP & MRI

The IVP is where a dye is injected into my vein and x-rays are taken to watch the dye flow through my kidneys, down to my ureters, into my urethra and finally into my bladder. It will watch how well my kidneys are functioning for filtering and the structure of my urinary tract. I have stopped taking my metformin to help be able to move up the test date.

The MRI is our choice over the laparoscopy simply because the laparoscopy would be invasive, and the doctor wouldn't know what exactly she would be facing. With the MRI we can know exactly where the kidneys, ovaries, and fallopian tubes are located. AND we would know 100% what is going on with my uterus, if it has a rudimentary horn, if it is a unicornuate (half) uterus, or if I have a large septum that caused the HSG cath to go only to the left  (praying for this!).

After the IVP and MRI we will have a clearer vision of where we are to head next. If indeed I do have a unicoruate uterus there isn't anything we can do about it except for hope and pray.

I did bring up the fact that we have never done a cycle day 3 estrogen check along with my FSH and LH then to check for Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) or Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR). When I first got diagnosed with PCOS they checked my FSH to LH value, with normal women it is 1. Mine was 3 or 4. Which can show PCOS (but they usually do not go by that anymore, it is more old school) OR it could show poor egg quality/less eggs. High FSH means that the follicles are being stimulated but none of them are mature enough to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

Dr. H said she wanted to wait to talk about that until we had the complete diagnosis. She did say she would be willing to do six more cycles of clomid if all checked out, and after that I would be moved onto a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Honestly, it probably will be before that. I would like to be checked for more less common issues so we can do all possible to avoid miscarriage if and when another pregnancy happens.

The doctor had to be honest and give me the facts. She herself had to look up the stats, because a unicornuate uterus isn't that common. Here are some stats:

For women miscarriages happen 13-26% of time out of ALL pregnancies. She also broke it down by age
20-30 years 9-17%
>35 years 20%
>40 years 40%
>45 years 45%

 After 1 Spontaneous Miscarriage (SAB) - 20%, 2 SAB - 28%, 3+ SAB - 43%

With a unicornuate uterus (UU) ...first of all 10% of uterine defects are a UU, or 1 in 4,020 women.
On to the scarier facts...
2.7% chance of ectopic pregnancy (2% is normal)
24.3% 1st trimester miscarriage
9.7% 2nd trimester miscarriage
20.1% chance of pre-term labor
10.5% Intra-Uterine Fetal Demise (Stillborn)
40% chance of kidney abnormalities

49.9% chance for a live birth.

I have less than a 50% chance of having a living healthy baby in my arms with each pregnancy.
Really? WTH?


So here I am facing all of this. And pondering the fact that things are not 100% horrible, but know we have a rocky road ahead of us. Yesterday I didn't know how many more pregnancy losses I could face before it would be enough to break me. But, I have to question if my heart will be more broken facing miscarriage or not experiencing holding my own baby in my arms. Should we skip trying and go right to adoption? Or should we face hardship and believe in our God to give us a baby that would be a reflection of James and I.

I have to say, I was a pretty darn cute little kid. I would love to see one of me living and breathing here on earth. Regardless, our children...whether biological or adopted will be so immensely loved it is ridiculous.

Thoughts a Year Later

Well it has been one year since my first positive test. Today of last year I would be at the ER in hopes of finding out if my pregnancy was eptopic due to pain or what was going on. They saw nothing. Tomorrow is my birthday by the way. Definitely not feeling too excited about getting older.

Part of me wishes that we will be like our good friends that got pregnant a year after their miscarriage. But, while my heart cries out for this...I just have a feeling it won't be coming true for us. I am hopeful, but not holding my breath.

To be honest, I am starting to think that we will not have children that are biologically ours. A little girl asked me, "Do you have kids?" When I said, "No not yet." She asked me, "Well what if you never have kids?" It stung a little, but I answered truthfully, "Then we will adopt."

"What does 'adopt' mean?"
"It means that a baby someone else has, I would sign lots of papers and talk to a judge, and then the judge would let us be the baby's parents."
"Wait...is that LEGAL?"
"Yes, it is legal."

End of conversation.

It felt like God was asking me, "What if you never have kids, will you love me? Will you choose to follow my will for your life?"

I feel like my answer was a good one, and an honest answer.

But, I have to be honest. The craving to experience pregnancy would possibly lead me to a couple rounds of IVF. One being biological and another being with donor embryos. I feel like donor embryos is like adoption, but at an earlier stage of life.

On a different note, I plan on posting on Sunday's service if I can find my paper from service. It was a good one. I cried my eyes out, it was about God's Promises and how to hold onto them. But, for now I am going to shower and go order my birthday cake.

Fill Me Up

Last night was a wonderful night, even in the midst of this heatwave in MI. My sister, her boyfriend, my best friend, her sister, and Jack Jack went swimming last night. And the water was warm. It was FABULOUS. We finished it off with a ridiculous game of trivial pursuit. And then we busted out Fact or Crap. Both games were found today at Goodwill for $2 each. Pretty darn good deal if you ask me!

Today we woke up at 1 though, and James usually leaves for work around 1-130. So we had a half hour together this morning. We filled it up with a co-effort of packing his lunch, eggs & toast, with a dessert of Neapolitan ice cream. It's now 2, and I have to leave around 5 for class. So onto making a works cited page.

Yet, that's not my issue today. I am just feeling blah. The Talk was on I couldn't help but be annoyed with the gossiping woman. I switched it to country videos, maybe my mood will get better...There is just this feeling of anxiety welling up inside of my chest. Blame our finances. The fact that I'm anxious to get to see two pink lines, so that I will have conceived within the year mark. The fact that I know that I have three weeks of class left filled with annotated bib, a 7 page paper, and a crazy work week.

I cannot help but wonder if I am truly depressed. Yet, I am not like what I was my junior year in high school. Maybe I'm just blue. Either way, I think I need some sunshine and a summertime instead of zombie mode due to working third. I need to stop being consumed by ttc. Yet, you tell me how this can be when trying? And how do you stop trying after you have started? Especially if you know you can't just relax and try, because if you don't know when you ovulated, or if you even ovulated. Then you don't know when to test. You don't know if you have a reason for being late. And it drives you buggy. Makes you think this one is another loss, even if it was just a late ovulation cycle. And you cannot forget that you are trying when you are taking so many extra pills to supplement your body with the extra nutrition that it needs to hold a pregnancy. And to top it off, trying to forget your cycle would work out poorly for those with clotting disorders. I know of two women that really didn't know they were pregnant until they were out of their first trimester.

OUT of their first trimester. To be so blessed. But the fact is, I have to be on blood thinners. And most likely progesterone. So if I was able to forget about my dates...I wouldn't have to worry about being out of my first trimester. Because it simply wouldn't happen. And to be honest, after 3 losses...the thought of me screwing up a potentially healthy pregnancy is enough to make me feel crazy. So when we stop ttc, there is no relaxing. It switches over to trying NOT  to conceive. Which means condoms instead of pre-seed. It means no more writing to my online friends on threads. It means going crazy when I'm late because holy crap what if I am pregnant?!? And if it happened I would feel blessed, but the fact is...if you know when not to have sex that shouldn't be an issue. Yet, with PCOS my cycles could go crazy crazier.

Do you understand my babbling? If you have walked these shoes of trying to make a baby unsuccessfully I am sure you do. If not, it may be hard to understand this rocky path.

So what I am asking, God, is that you would fill me up. Either help me to conceive a healthy pregnancy or give my husband and I the peace to not try. And the ability to accept the later if that is what you wish. I am clinging to this hope, this dream that everything will work out if we get pregnant. If we are able to have a baby. That finances, time, and life will fall into place. That things will work out. Yet, with my losses I know that dreams don't work out as planned, quite often to be honest. Calm my anxious heart. Speak to me: to Clomid? Or not to Clomid? To try herbal supplements? Or to trade them in for condoms? I haven't been good to you lately. Prayer is only when I'm feeling down, very rarely praise prayers. My Bible is starting to have a film of dust on it. And I do not look forward to church on Sundays. I am feeling down God. Yet, still in those moments in between I haven't grabbed a hold of you. I haven't clung tight like I have in the past.

You have been low on my priority list. And I know it needs to change. So here I am asking for a fire in my chest, a passion that will only be quenched by diving deeper into a relationship with you. I feel like David, lost in the desert. Like Job. I'm not cursing you God. Maybe questioning you, but I still love you. Even in my speechlessness. I'm like a young teenager in a young woman's body when it comes to my Father in Heaven.

And I'll be honest, drinks have started to look more tempting. To go out to the bar, drinking and dancing. I didn't even do it much in the past. But I could go for it lately. I've resisted. The urge to drink away a night so it will be carefree does cross my mind at times. But I don't want to medicate, even a night, with booze. Maybe I need to pay for tanning, to feel better due to vitamin D, and feel better about myself because of the glow that occurs. Or better yet, maybe I just need to read my Bible more. *sigh*

I'm blue. But thinking a second pink line with be a great way to fill me up. As long as God is in it. It would be such a blessing, as long as I will have a better ending, instead of another sad day. To not have to pass another date where I should have been bringing a baby home. To be honest, that is my issue. To still not have a healthy baby growing inside of me. Yet to have to pass the time when your child should be in your arms. I am sad. I cry for my losses. Often. At least once a week. I am a naturally emotional person, but this is making me feel like a wimp. And then I feel bad for feeling that way. Because I should grieve the loss of my children and not feel bad about it.

Psalm 113:9

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. NIV
He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD! NLT
He give childless couples a family, gives them joy as the parents of children. Hallelujah! The Message

Whenever I find a verse I like, I look it up. To see how other translations word it. But this one, it doesn't matter how it is worded. It gives me hope, as a few tears fall down my cheeks. I found this verse on the first chapter of "Dear God, Why Can't I have a Baby?" I've been surfing christianbook.com and I got drawn in. First into the books for women, and then into the books on infertility. So I am adding to my list of books to read, and I will read them. Even if we do have a child, simply so I can remember the hard times. Remember what it is like so I can minister to other women when they struggle.

Another book that I will read? And that I know will mean a box of Kleenex will need to be near by? "Empty Womb, Aching Heart: Hope and Help for Those Struggling with Infertility" Oh boy. I've read 2 stories in it while surfing the net. And holy guacamole, those women, I know their heart. I know their hurts. And so I cry with them. And pray for them. Because I know the pain is still there, even if they have kids. Even if they are 80 years old and still childless. Deep in their hearts there is a part that still longs for children. For what could have been.

I also plan on reading "Empty Arms: For Those Who Suffered A Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy" Yet, I have to tell you. Knowing personally this pain and suffering, I worry. I pray. But still I am all too aware at the fact that pregnancy doesn't always have a happy ending. Even after the first trimester. So when I get to that point, I can't tell you that I will 100% be filled with unaltered unaffected joy and hope. I will be a little anxious until the moment that I get to hold the precious little child. I will be anxious until they are able to roll over in their sleep. I will be filled with prayer and praying against my anxieties, but I am human. And it is a struggle.


Why is it that my life is consumed by this? I am ready to move on. Almost ready to just give up trying for kids and instead start preventing. I am pretty sure that if we do not get pregnant within our first 3 cycles on clomid we are done trying until I am done with school. If we get pregnant before that, regardless of the outcome, we will still be done trying. I'm ready to get life back. I'm ready to feel alive again. Instead of gray and dreary. Instead of feeling like an anchor in life that is dragging others down. I am ready to fly on wings of eagles, and have a child like faith that everything will work out for the best. That everything will work out, period.

But the above Psalm gives me hope for the future. And that sliver of hope, I will cling to.

♥ Jess

39 weeks

...that's how far along I would be with sweet angel #1. Love you sweetie, and missing what could have been so desperately bad.

In a week's time I will be able to officially say, I survived my due date. Due date of my lost little one. Still makes me shake my head that my Dr truly thought I would be pregnant again (after 2nd loss) by this time...I was pregnant. But lost that little bean too.

I am ready for some good news. Send some happy thoughts and prayers this way.

As for TTC? Still waiting to O. And exhausted from working 3rds, so I won't be able to use tiredness as a symptom of early pregnancy. Because it is a symptom of working the grave yard shift.

♥ Jess

Wondering and Simplified Weight Loss Wednesday

Why do I do this to myself? I find myself reading stories about woman that have lost pregnancies. And read stories of hope either from rainbow babies or adoption. Always brings tears to my eyes. Is it self torture? or is it making sure I keep sensitive to others pain? Or maybe I am being prepared for what potentially could be something in our future (please God let this not be so...)? All I know is women that try after losing a baby are my heroes. But those that have to see a still born child are so strong. Life would never be the same. Life isn't the same with any loss, but to have to go through postpartum things on top of the grief. I would be a mess. For a LONG time.

Weight: 200.4 down 2.2 lbs from week 2. Still not under 200. Haven't tried really though, so what do I expect? Want to be praying for me? I really am lacking motivation. Feeling kind of blue. Lazy. Procrastinator mode in effect. Time to attempt to kick my butt into gear. And for the moment I will start with showering and heading to class. toodaloo

Late Night Thoughts on Infertility

I wanted to share a few links and a few thoughts.

First of all I finally got the chance to listen to Focus on the Family’s radio broadcast on infertility. It is split into 2 broadcasts. I highly recommend them, both for those trying to understand infertility (how it affects women), and those struggling through the murky waters.

Here are the links

1^st broadcast

2^nd broadcast

A few times listening tears were brought to my eyes. Can you imagine six miscarriages? I’ve had two. Two of my babies are in heaven. And it is still a little difficult for me to comprehend how four more losses would shape me. At one moment a woman said she had to understand that maybe God placed her on this road of infertility to shape her into the woman He wants her to be. God is that why I am here? Because I tell you, I will follow you. I will allow you to lead me, even down that bumpy road. And it is hard to say at times, but I will follow you Lord.

Imagine your life, if you are a mom, without your children. Or imagine your dreams…being crushed by the Dr saying that you are infertile. It’s painful isn’t it? Try living it. Because when you lose a pregnancy, you lose all of those dreams you have with that child. It is so hard. I have a group of ladies that I talk to on a thread. And this week out of the nine women that are on it we have had two big news hit us. Exciting news, because one woman that had faced miscarriage is now pregnant! I am so excited for her. But, there was a low blow for another woman. She found out her husband has low motility and low count. A 2% chance of getting pregnant. Combined with her ovulation problems. My heart goes out to her.

It strikes me because within the next few days we will find out the results of James’s test. And with my body being jacked up already, I too could find myself in her position…even with our two miscarriages. I know I will not blame James because he does not blame me. He loves me, unconditionally. And we know we can adopt…and in spite of my crazy dream that I have had about getting pregnant after adoption. Adoption does NOT increase the chance of pregnancy. When you have medical issues relaxing probably will not help you to conceive.

Sorry if I am babbling. I am pretty tired at the moment. Have more things to pack in the morning. And have a very important appointment with a cup, and the man I love (haha! Glad I can joke on here about it, because James is SO not okay with it at the moment).

And on this tiredness. I know it is 3am. But I slept seven and a half hours, and I am used to being up at this time. So why am I tired? Trying to keep my hopes not too high, because the higher you allow it to get, the lower they fall later. And the more it hurts.

So, I’m going to stay positive. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t…maybe it will maybe it won’t. If I get angry with God, He can take my honesty. If I cling to God, it’s ok because He is a strong God. And I have to say, I know in my heart I’m a mom already. Even before I had children I had a motherly heart. Yet, I also have this deep feeling that I will be a mommy here on Earth some way, some how. Even though that path is a mystery to me, God knows!

Also I want to tell you something that warms my heart, and gives a deep thankfulness for being able to watch children grow up. There is a young lady at our church, she is in sixth grade. After I spoke at church on my miscarriages and yearning to be a mom, she came up to me, looking quite sad, and said, “Jessica, I’m sorry you’ve been through that. I really hope God gives you a baby.” A sixth grader! The only other women that came up to me after service were the ones that helped me through the hard times, or had experienced infertility in their lives. God is going to use that little lady. I believe it; He is going to shape her. And mold her. And already is. I am thankful for her. Just as thankful as I am for the women of that day that acknowledged my pain and shared their stories.

I will look up the link for that Sunday and see if it is posted, then share it with you if it is.

But, for now, with small tears of thankfulness, joy, sadness, and hope flowing down my cheeks I say, good night. Have a blessed day! And I hope you find peace in whatever struggle you are facing today.

♥ Jess

Writing to Stay Awake

I was talking to a co-worker tonight that had a D&C at 12 or 13 weeks. She would have been 27 weeks. So, it made me wonder how far along I should be. Calculating on this tired brain isn't working so my educated guess would be 24 weeks or 30ish. I want a round belly from pregnancy. I miss my babies I never got to meet.

I'm feeling crampy in ovaries as we speak. Kind of assuming cysts, but who knows. Blah.

I'm sleepy and have 2 1/2 more hours left. And no more breaks. Contemplating buying a game on phone. Or moving near the hallway so I can ready my Bible. I think reading is a better choice. So Jeremiah here I come.

I was skimming through genesis yesterday. When I stopped at the story of Sarah. My Bible pointed out Isaac means "He laughs" maybe isaac is a better name for our first child. Because we both burst out into laughter that night. :-)

To my babies: I love you and miss you terribly. I know you are in wonderful hands, yet y womb and arms ache to hold you. I wish I could see you. your tiny fingers, toes, feet, nose, ears, belly button, every little thing about you! TO know if you both are boys or girls. I wish I could name you, knowing for sure your sex. I wish I could feel you grow and move inside my belly. To nurse you, change your poopy diapers. Be sleep deprived from staying up late with you. Be exhausted after delivery, I love you. And miss you. And wish I could have experienced all of these things with you. ♥ Mommy

Yet, as for now, I am content in the present. With occasional wishful wanting and yearning. I am keeping focused on the fact that God has blessed me with James, and house, and a good job. The rest will fall into place in His timing!

♥ Jess
Written May 14, 2001 @ 4AM

Update: I just looked it up, I would be 31 weeks today. and 23-25 with second (not sure because of miscarriage right before it...) Imagine how round my belly would be. James talking to our child. Makes my heart a little sad to think about, but so happy with the thought of the future possibilities!

Blessed

I have to tell you how Blessed I am to have a church that listens to ideas, and allows you to be part of them. On Mother’s Day I wanted to some how allow all women to be part of it. I believe as women we all have that nurturing heart (ok, the majority). The heart that played with baby dolls and played house as a child. We all crave to be a mom in some little spot of our hearts. Yet, life happens, and it doesn’t always happen the way we wish it would.

There are single women that assumed they would get married and have children of their own. Are they not to celebrate Mother’s Day? Are they to be left out? Are we supposed to allow their hearts to ache? NO, these women are spiritual mothers. Do they not pray for their nieces and nephews? Do they not pray for their friend’s children? Do they not get asked advice on parenting when parents are going crazy? Hello, wake up! They are mothers too, mothers who have not labored. Mothers whose hearts might be crying out because they want children of their own, a husband, and all that goes with that. Isaiah 54: says 

"“Sing, barren woman,
   you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
   you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
   than of her who has a husband,”
            says the LORD. ”

What about the couple facing infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss from a failed adoption. Are they not parents? Do they not cry out for their loss? Are they not trying for children? Have they not prayed for their children? Do they not pray for yours? Do not belittle them by not allowing the married woman without children to not feel as if she is not a mother. Her heart cries out to be a mother, her HEART. It doesn’t matter what the world says, if a person’s heart wants to be a mother, is she not motherly? Does she not mother other children’s babies?  Does she not have children in heaven from miscarriage or stillbirth?

At church on Sunday we had a panel of four women speak on this topic. Mothers. Spiritual Mothers, Mothers facing loss, Traditional Mothers, and Grand Mothers.

It was an amazing experience. The welcome arms that I felt after telling my story, the tears that I saw fall from women’s cheeks. The healing that I think took place. I think God moved. But, my heart cries out in pray for a couple I saw rush out of the church soon after I started talking. I know their pain, even if I do not know their exact pain. I hope they come back to church, and I get a chance to befriend them. Until that day, my prayers are for them. That God will work miracles, that they will be healed, that they will have a child of their own. Bless them Lord, if by your will open her womb or allow a smooth adoption process. May your will be done. Both for them and for James and I.

And the stories that I was told about infertility and miscarriage. Why is this such a taboo topic? Why do we as women suffer in silence? Before this weekend I knew of three other women besides myself at the church that had experienced infertility or miscarriage. After this weekend I was made aware of at least five more women that had to walk the rocky road. And how many had hurtful things said to them FROM FAMILY. From CHRISTIANS. Open your hearts, think before you speak, this is what I implore you to do. If you have said hurtful things unintentionally, I hope God makes you aware of them so you can apologize to the one hurting.

And can I tell you something that truly made me burst from the brim inside? A woman in our church, a dear friend that in the past had a miscarriage and suffered alone, one that I thought for sure wouldn’t think it was a good idea me telling our congregation (Simply for the fact that now people know we are trying, and months of trying with people asking can become very tiresome). She came up to me afterwards, tears drying up in her eyes, and told me I did good, that she was proud of me. It felt SO good. It built me up, gave me more courage. If you don’t give friends complements, do so. Because if you are not building them up, you are tearing them down. And this weekend, I was built up.

Another thing that truly warmed my heart? James’s reaction. After telling me that I would be the one crying in front of every one, I did good. God gave me the peace, courage, and strength to get through with only a few speckles of tears. James on the other hand, I think he experienced some healing. Healing in the form of tears. I saw them start to flow, I tried winking at him, our secret sign that means, “I love you, it will be okay.” Then he disappeared for awhile. To pull himself together. I love that my husband shows emotion, even if he hates it. He is an amazing man, a thoughtful friend, and so much more. He is going to make an amazing father. I know this in my heart.

With this long reflection, I will let you go. I have to tell you, it is amazing to think about all the more people praying for us. Thank you God! Thank you friends! Thank you blog followers! Thank you for your prayers, and support. Even if you are lurking amongst the pages of this blog anonymously, thank you for your prayers. Yet, know that even the anonymous can leave comments of encouragement or thoughts on topics.

Love all of you, have a blessed week!

♥ Jess

 Written May 9, 2011 @ 11:58 PM

Two Phone Calls

First Call
While waiting forever it seemed for the Dr to call back, a dear friend DeAnn called. You see, about a week or so ago, I emailed three leaders at our church about Mother's Day. And how I think somehow they need to include all mothers: those with children, those who have lost children, and those that have no children but are spiritual mothers. Our Pastor had an idea of having a panel of women on mothers day to give a testimony of their story. I am one of them. I know it will be filled with tears, unless God grants me the ability to hold them back until I am done. On the panel will be a "Grandmother", "Your Average Mom", Myself, and "Spiritual Mother" I tear up just thinking about how blessed I am to be in a church that will listen to your suggestions and do their best to fulfill them. I told them how much heartache mother's day causes me, and if it causes heartache to me...then I know there has to be other women in the church that it has done the same to, or is still doing the same to. I'm excited and nervous. If I hadn't been asked, I probably was going to skip church that Sunday. Seemed like too much to face. Now, I have hope & a purpose.

I asked James what he thought of it (after saying yes...whoopsies). And his response was, "I might disappear during that time." When I pushed, telling him, "You need to stay in there to give me support James." He replied, "I'm sitting in the back." So I asked again, "What do you think about it? If you don't want me to do it, I can call her back." His reply, "I don't care, it's going to be you crying in front of everyone." And he's true. I don't want to look like a blubbering idiot. But my pain is still real. In reality, I think he says these things because he doesn't want to cry at church either. He doesn't want everyone to know what we have gone through, because he knows the hurtful comments I've received from carefully choosing to tell people. Stepping out in front of the church opens ourselves up to comments galore. And questions month after month of if we are pregnant yet. I know we are making the right decision for Christ. Yet, my heart is fills up with fear and anxiety at the thought of facing these people & questions.

Second Call

Finally, middle of breakfast (yes I know 130pm at this point...we have messed up schedules, leave us alone!) my phone rings. I'm not going to lie, my stomach dropped. With nerves galore, did I make the right choice calling now? Ekk

The nurse asked me what was up, I gave her the low down, "I'm 2 days late, but because I chart I realize technically I could have ovulated a little late. But that's not truly my concern."
Pause, nurse asks, "So are you pregnant?"
Me: "No, I've taken several tests I'm pretty sure I'm not. But my question is. I've noticed a trend in my chart. I start spotting for my period 9 or 10 dpo. I know that your LP needs to be at least 10 days long for a healthy chance at implantation. So my question is, with this being a concern of mine, is there any way we can test my progesterone to see about Luteal Phase Defect?"
Nurse: "We only supplement progesterone when you are pregnant, and since you are not pregnant, we would not be able to give your progesterone."
Me: "So what about at least testing for LPD? I have PCOS, can't that mess up my quality of eggs, which in turn causes lower progesterone for pregnancy?"
Nurse: "We don't usually test your progesterone unless you are pregnant. But I can talk to Dr. Hawkins."
Me: "Well I remember talking to her about this once and she mentioned that I may have to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist"
Nurse "I don't really have the answers for you. I can send her an email or you can set up an appointment.But I feel you will get more out of the 1 on 1 instead of with a middle man."
At this point I can see I am going to get no where unless I am face to face. "I'll make an appointment."

So tomorrow I have an appointment at 315. I'm sticking to my guns, she's not talking me out of it. I feel like they think I'm an idiot because I actually know what I'm talking about. Rather than the uninformed that they can just sweep under the rug. Look, I know my body. I'm my best advocate. And who in turn is paying for any test I want? ME so let me do it. I don't understand why they can't test for me, to at least see if I'm having an issue...and if I do then I'll go to a RE to get more answers and help.

I just feel like they don't even want to admit a LPD exists. And LPD is a common infertility problem. So tell me why an OB office wouldn't consider this and help women to avoid heartache? I don't get it. Completely baffles me.

I found and article on LPD and this is what it says, hitting the nail on the head...

How real is this diagnosis? 

Some physicians, even reproductive specialists, downplay the significance of LPD in their diagnosis and treatment decisions. It is generally thought that all women, fertile and subfertile, experience at least occasional cycles in which a short luteal phase is present. Also, many believe that when LPD is present in a cycle, it is the result of an egg that was compromised from the start (and hence, would have resulted in miscarriage or fetal anomaly if pregnancy occurred.)

With that in mind, if a woman believes that LPD is an issue in her fertility, she may need to be prepared to be a good self-advocate with her medical practitioners.

Ready for my opinion? If there is a potential problem either from miscarriage or inability to get pregnant. Do the stupid Progesterone Serum test 7dpo, check out the woman's follicle size via ultrasound, and Estradiol at midcycle. How hard is that? Seriously! Especially if a woman is being an advocate for her own health. 


P.S. I'm not going to lie, I have progesterone left over from my last miscarriage. I am tempted to take 1 or 2 a day following next ovulation just to see if I can get a sticky baby. My only concern that would hold me back from actually doing this would be the fact that then my progesterone levels would be higher if they tested, and even if I did need to stay on it, results could say I don't. *Rolls eyes* So I won't do it. But I am tempted, highly tempted.

Ok, now I need to get motivated. Gotta run a few errands and then nap before work tonight!

God Speaking?

Today I have heard most of the songs I listened to when going through the miscarriages all on the radio, pretty much right in a row. Then there was a person talking about having fertility issues too. And when I opened by Girlfriends in God devotional (from BibleGateway.com) it was about fertility issues too. This devotional spoke to my heart. It talks about how most women crave to be a mommy, it's their #1 dream. On this topic she said:

And of all the dreams of a woman, this one can be the cause of the most pain. Not being able to have children, rebellion of the children we do have, or losing a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or untimely death can be one of the most heart wrenching experiences of a woman's life. It hits at the very core of womanhood.

And she hits it right on the nose. It makes you question your being. Your ability as a wife, as a women, and the possibility of being a mother and eventually a grandmother. To have a family. Hits the very core of a woman. Hit my very core. And all of these stories and facts that I learn along the way give me hope. Yet, the devotional used this scripture:  "The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made" (Psalm 145:13b NIV). And if makes me think, God has not promised me that I will carry a baby to term. But He has said He knows the desires of my heart. Therefore, I know I will one day be a mother. I'm just keeping faith that I will get to experience the amazing journey of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.

The devotional is a cliffhanger too, will definitely be checking my email to see what tomorrow's story will bring!

One more thing, probably TMI...so that's your little disclosure that you can stop reading if you wish. :) I got a positive on my ovulation predictor kit. And lets just say our $20 of pre-seed isn't going to waste. It's nice trying to conceive again. It will be nice when I'm pregnant again too. I cannot wait for that day! So if anyone is curious I'm on my two week wait to see what my future brings, two dark pink lines or one. This month I truly was specific in my prayers. That my egg would be mature, James's sperm filled with lots of healthy swimmers, that chromosonally the gametes would be healthy, That the sperm would get up to my cervix and into my tubes, picking the right side for the egg. Praying, praying, praying for all that is to come. And I just can't help but believe that a baby is in my future. Makes me nervous and excited, all wrapped up into one!

Have a blessed day!
♥ Jess

Finding Hannah's Hope

Wednesday in communications I changed my topic for my information speech on a whim. The chosen topic was infertility and miscarriage. I didn't have to look any information up. I already knew what I wanted to talk about, information I almost wish I didn't know. Yet, I talked about it because now these are issues that hit close to my heart. I’ve just finished reading Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake. To be honest, I’ve started reading it again so I can dive deeper into it, instead of engulfing it like I did over the two days I read it.

There are so many things I love about this book. First of all I love the Biblical woman that she uses as an example throughout the book. Hannah. Now how many truly know about Hannah? Did you know she had a closed womb in a time that it was often seen that you had sinned against God and had no favor with Him? No birth control and no baby, how can that happen? So many women believe motherhood will just happen. It’s believed to be something that will be given to them by God in their timing. This is not always so. Just as those who may not want a child often end up with little one(s). God uses this time to shape a woman. Hannah included. If you read 1 Samuel 1-2:21 you will find the small story of Hannah. The beginnings of the chapters come from what can easily be imagined as Hannah’s perspective on whatever the topic of the coming chapter is. It’s a fictional outtake on how she probably felt as she endured her time of waiting, and it helps the reader step into her shoes. And many other woman's shoes in today’s society.

For those of us who have already had to endure as Hannah, it lets us know that we are not alone. Even women in the Bible experienced heartache through child loss and not becoming a mommy when expected. Which brings me to another thing that I truly love about this book, besides Hannah’s outtake on things there is the bulk of the chapter, heart treasures (with small thoughts and Bible verses), and burden bearers. Burden bearers is one of the best sources for someone who has a loved one that has been faced with infertility, miscarriage, or adoption loss.

Why? Because I can speak from experience, people, Christians included, do not know how to react to miscarriage or infertility. And thus going through these things puts a burden on your heart. Sometimes you wish to share because you want to remember your lost child, or acknowledge your pain, the fact that your heart yearns to be a mother. You just want someone to listen and pray with you, cry with you, cry for the pain you are going through, for the heartache you are having to endure. Yet, if you miscarry and tell people you will face silence or hear things like “It’s for the best, there probably was genetic defects” Yes this thought truly warms my heart. Or, “At least you know you can get pregnant!” This is true, and after trying it is something that will cross my mind, but don’t remind me, because I still do not know if I can sustain a pregnancy to full term. Sow what’s the point of getting pregnant if I cannot have a child to hold? I know I will get to see them in heaven, but I do not think it is selfish to want one here with me on earth.

If a married couple is experiencing infertility then can you imagine the pain they feel every time they are asked, “So when are you going to have kids?” or “Just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant” First of all…do you really want the person facing infertility to tell you what’s on their heart? Because they probably could tell you about taking their temp every morning, using ovulation predictor kits, being poked prodded by doctors, facing various tests, and facing their cycle coming month after month when it seems everyone around them is getting pregnant. And secondly, if you are not God then don’t promise pregnancy. Many women never live to carry a child. God may be using them to adopt, don’t promise them something that God alone can choose. And lastly, when you see a woman or couple grieving from any of this loss, be it a pregnancy, time of motherhood, or a lost adoption, do not tell them to get over it! The Bible says to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15. Mourn with those who mourn. It means cry, feel empathy, acknowledge their loss and pain from childlessness. Yet, remember sometimes it’s hard to rejoice with others when mourning. Show compassion, if you get pregnant and know their past it may be best to tell them personally before they hear it from others or see it plastered all over our lovely social networking site. Because such things are such a stabbing pain at times.

I’m not trying to point fingers, just simply trying to inform. 1 in 6 couples will experience some form of infertility. 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that does not include chemical pregnancies. Drs normally do not include chemical pregnancies as a miscarriage because the pregnancy ends before it truly has time to start. Twenty percent end in miscarriage, think about it, that is 2 out of 10 pregnancies. And this does not include stillborn babies, which are born 20 weeks or after. So many women experience loss and heartache pertaining to pregnancy and children that their heart says they should have.

Where does my story fit in all of this? James and I have lost two babies, one due to a chemical pregnancy, and another due to a blighted ovum. I have PCOS and a clotting disorder. I am quite open about this, and will talk to you about it if you ask. But please think about things before you say them; put yourself in Hannah’s shoes. Do not say, “I cannot imagine.” I found a blog post about this topic. The author says, “When we say to grieving people, “Oh, I can’t imagine” we might be saying “I don’t want to imagine.”” (http://mollypiper.com/2011/02/when-you-want-to-say-i-cant-imagine-just-try/ is the link to this post). I highly recommend reading this post. She speaks candidly on grief after experiencing child loss herself.

Another thing, if you know a couple is in the mode of trying to conceive…do not ask specifically every month if a pregnancy has occurred. Including myself. If you ask me how I am, I may tell you things about trying to conceive or, I may not.  Try not ask a couple when they are going to start their family, they have a family in each other and you may not know the struggle they have in trying to conceive a child, and your question may feel even more like failure. A reminder on top of a monthly reminded that they still do not have someone that will one day call them mommy, or “rise up and call her blessed.”

It is because of the various ways childlessness affects women with a motherly heart that I definitely think you should pick up Hannah’s Hope to better equip yourself to be there for those who are grieving. And remember, even if it hurts…just try to imagine putting yourself in their shoes.

♥ Jess

At the Potters Wheel.

I think about watching other people work at a potters wheel and how amazing it is to see the clay take shape into something of their own design. Yet, sometimes the clay has a mind of it's own a sets catastrophic reactions. The piece originally meant to be created isn't there, and they have to supplement a new piece of art. By molding the clay into a mere slab again and beginning again.

Imagine being that clay, imagine how disappointing it would be to go from a potential beautiful piece of art into a slab, struck down by the creator. I am so thankful that God doesn't make mistakes, and that even when I choose to make decisions out of his discretion He already knows about it and has a different path set before me. He doesn't get annoyed or give up. He purposefully starts to work at my life, slowly but surely creating me to be a creation that He not only loves, but cherishes.

God has been writing things on my heart for a long time. To think about all that I have been through leading me to this point in my life, where it is truly amazing to see blessing pouring in at last! Blessings that have the chance to be shadowed by sadness and impatience. Yet, God still is continuing to write things on my heart.

When you go through a miscarriage, you not only face the loss of your child, loss of hope/dreams for the child, a change in your marriage, but also the green monster: jealousy. I have so many pregnant friends at the moment that this monster tries to plague all those friendships. When, sincerely, I am happy for them in my heart. I am happy and sad at the same time. And thankful that God created me to be complex enough to feel both. It keeps me in check with jealousy trying to vie for my attention.

This hasn't gone initially where I had planned it to go, but it's honest none the less. My husband has been at the potters wheel also, as he still is today. I can see God trying to change him, and Satan still getting time to creep in. His temper sometimes comes out in swear words, "shop talk" as he tries to label it at times. This isn't my true husband at those moments. My husband is the man that is beginning to read is Bible daily, while I am still struggling and to be honest haven't even attempted lately. Be praying for me for that one.

Yet, God worked on my husbands heart before this time, before our miscarriages, before being diagnosed with PCOS, and before I ever had a blood clot. A prayer warrior prayed over him and asked God to allow us to get pregnant and not struggle. Praise be to this man that is so close to God that he could know, even before my problems had shown up. Thank you Jesus for prayer warriors that are able to walk closer to you, than I can even imagine! But, before this God also had him at the wheel. There was a series on Family Life Radio about a little girl's short life in the hospital, and how God worked through it, shaping them. I had no clue it was on, my husband on the other hand, told me he had been listening to it for the week, and today was the last section of the broadcast. He said he thought it would be good to listen to it together. Thank you God for bringing up this subject in our marriage before it had happened to us. Thank you for bringing us closer then, and now because of those broadcasts and conversations. And thank you God for all that you are going to do in our lives. With all the shaping going on, I cannot wait to see the rest of what you have in store for us.

.3 Away and Gusting Wind

I am thankful I followed my gut and got blood work done this morning. With this gusting wind and snow outside I am thankful for a snow day tomorrow, and desperately praying for my hubby to get home safely. I found out I am still considered pregnant, stupid body. 5.3 needs to be less than 5. SO when suitable to go out again, I am going to test again to make sure under 5, then will be waiting 4-6 weeks for AF to show up. *Praying for the 4 weeks, so the wait of 2 cycles is shorter*

I have found a website that has helped a lot with the what to expect after loss, first period after miscarriage, and such. It has a plan for getting pregnant faster. It says 40% of women following the plan after one cycle post miscarriage end up pregnant. I intend to be one of those 40%. Lets see what God has in plan. I think we may start after first cycle, even though Dr. said two. We'll see how I am feeling then, how the house is moving along, and if I have a job as a CNA. That is one thing that is going to be a stipulation. I MUST have a better paying job before we try again.

I am so tired, emotions frazzled. Another high school friend is pregnant. And I have to say, it is NOT that I am not so incredibly happy for them. It's the finding it in my heart to show rejoicing when my heart is weeping. At times it doesn't seem fair, but God knows what is best for me, even if it sucks at the time. My heart breaks and heals every day. I am so thankful that my God is the ultimate healer and knows me better than I know myself. I have two options in all of this to be bitter, jealous, and angry or to accept that I feel broken, cannot do it on my own, and continue to love and follow Jesus. I choose the 2nd option, I have done life alone, and you feel SO incredibly alone.

If you think of me be praying for my homework situation. I am hoping tomorrow will be a huge blessing with restoration and catchup. Yet, for now I am going to just listen to worship music and pray for my husband to get home safely.

God's Plan & My Heart

 Jeremiah 29:11 says it all about our future, no matter what version it is said.
"I have it all planned out -- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." The Message
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." NIV

How fitting that this verse was the verse on the front of this journal I found when searching for something to write my thoughts in while pregnant. Entirely for my child. The first pages were filled with our first loss. A baby that I believe in my heart was girl. Abigail the name James and I were saving for our daughter one day. I hate to break it to him, but in my heart I know we have had her already. Abigail means "Father's Joy" and I can tell you we were so joyful, even so at conception...our hearts were filled with unexplained laughter that came bursting into our bedroom that night and I just knew. My heart kept saying, "Abigail means father's joy...joy that is often shown with laughter." I can say this now with a smile on my face and tears streaming down my cheeks: Our first child is a girl. She is in heaven, with the best father in the world, God.

The next 14 pages in this journal are filled with hopes, dreams, fears, and prayers for my next baby. During writing one night the Lord brought to my heart to read the story of Hannah in the Bible. It refreshed my memories about her son Samuel, and her struggle to get pregnant. She promised to give her first child to God, just as I promised that if God that my child was His, even if I was carrying him or her. That night I decided a name. So while I don't have it set in stone in my heart if this child was a boy or girl, I know his/her name is Sam for short, be it if the full name is Samantha or Samuel. :-) Below is one of our two pictures of Sammy, right around six weeks. So small and yet so amazing.

Every page in this journal has a verse from the Bible and often a quote. Page sixteen's quote read,

" Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 I can speak of perseverance from a woman TTC (trying to conceive) perspective, of OPKs, BBT, charting your CM, when you BD, of the big O, and the dreaded AF. (Or positive in my current case...waiting the next 4 weeks will be a long wait) I can speak of perseverance from a mother who has two children she has never had the chance to meet, only see our second on an ultrasound, and the strength from God to see on my toilet paper what once was a growing baby and have the ability to still know that Bible verse from above. And even during this sorrow God has still continued to knock at my heart, He has officially waken me up!

Yet, the sad thing is, page sixteen is a page of saying goodbye to my child. A way to grieve for a woman that loves writes. It was written 19 days ago, and it read like this

 Baby, it's looking like I'll have to wait til heaven to meet you. Say hi to your older sister for me. Just to let you know, it was on my heart to name you Sam after Samuel in the Bible. Samantha if you were a girl. Mommy loves you so terribly much and it hurts to say goodbye before we said hello.

My heart is breaking but I know you'll be in a better place. You'll get to see Jesus! :) In my heart, I know I'm a Mom, even if others don't see it as such. Some day your father and I will have such joy when we meet, but until then I know you'll be in loving arms. Hopefully it will be a long time though, before you meet any of your younger siblings, Daddy, or myself.

 I do wonder often about what you look like, but I know I will recognize you right away when I get to see you. Thank Jesus for choosing you to be my child, and wait excitedly to meet me, ok? I love you -- Mommy

19 days since writing, and still in the process of waiting. I passed the baby a week ago. And still am having some occasional spotting. I am going for more blood work tomorrow to see if my body can recognize yet that there is no longer a baby growing within my womb. My heart has been through the ringer and I am so tired, yet filled with God's love.

You see, I know it's a God thing. And I feel such hope that it will make a difference. A letter that I have written and plan on sending out tomorrow or Thursday. I know that my experience will not be in vain. That God has a purpose. I will not be silent in my hurting, and I will spread the joys of Jesus even in my pain. So that hopefully others will find healing and salvation.

I know one day I will be a mommy here on Earth, get to experience all of the first I am missing so terribly much. I would be finding out the sex of our first child soon, at 17 weeks. And a little over 9 weeks with our second child. Yet, while I will not forget about my children, I must keep on keeping on and look to the future that God has planned for me! This Sunday at church while worshiping (The song list was perfect for me this week. "Salvation is Here", "Send Me Out", "Greatness of Our God", and  "Where You Go I Go") While singing these songs God began to knock at my heart. First asking me questions if I would still love and follow Him if I lost a child that had been born, had been blessed with the chance to hold my baby, would I still feel the same way towards Him? And my heart cried back, "YES God! I would follow you, though I would not be able to hid my anger, frustration, and sadness you would still be my rock, my fortress, and Jesus would still be my savior." God then began to chip harder away at my heart, as Roy began to talk about the lines in the song "Where you Go I Go" and God began to tug at my heart, bringing up my aunt...and a letter I had planned on writing many times. I wrote the letter, tears streaming down my face. The rest of the service is a blur, my heart and mind was on this letter. A letter so personal, that I am praying and asking that you pray that it will be received at the perfect time, and with the right reception. That hurts could begin to heal, and together in both of our pain we can look to Jesus and continue to find hope. Maybe more hope than ever before.

This has been so hard, going through this. But I am a new creation in Christ. And while this would have gotten me down in the past, it will not in the future He has planned for me. I do believe that God works and shapes your heart from birth. That you are only handed what you can truly make it through, even if it is only with God's strength and grace. I have to tell you, I am blessed to have the life I have had. The trials and blessings have shaped me into this woman I am today.

One last thing before I go, this journal I have for my future child...I have a gut feeling that it will be needed and greatly appreciated. As sad as that is, I know somehow it will be used to minister to a relative, be it a child, niece, or granddaughter. I will continue to write in it until I get to hold my child in my arms, and then I will fill it full of things from her life and my reflections. My child will be blessed because he/she is already so greatly wanted, prayed for, and loved.

Update From the Dr. and Weekend Festivities

Friday I had my last Dr.'s appointment, I brought my Cytotec and pain meds just in case. But so incredibly thankful that I didn't have to endure another dosage of that horrible medicine. She felt like it was fine to no do, because of the dramatic drop in my hormones. On a side note I've decided that is what is causing all of my headaches lately. I've had a migraine too, it was horrible, I never have them!

She looked at me and kind of chuckled with a sly smile and said, "Do you have your list of questions?" haha she already has me pegged. When replying, "I have a few." She responded with a, "I kind of figured you would, so go ahead!" We talked about PCOS and if I needed to followup with any testing. She feels like if I have some of the symptoms and with previous Dr thinking I have it that further testing isn't really necessary. From here we moved on to the subject of insulin and the possibility of having to do some glucose testing, much like the test for gestational diabetes because with PCOS you have a higher chance of getting Type 2 diabetes. I forgot to ask about getting testing to figure out my clotting disorder. But that has to wait until my blood work comes back as no longer pregnant.

After talk of blood work, I double checked the time line of when we can start trying again. She told me because of how level headed I seemed dealing with this one (meaning that she doesn't see any abnormal signs of depression lol) that after two cycles we could start trying again. Two because the first one is usually wacky. And the second one should be normal. Plus it will be nice to have a month off of not taking temps or dealing with OPKs. After that I have to start with baby aspirin a few days after ovulation so that if I do conceive baby will not get a clot in the developing placenta and such that stops the baby from growing.

Saturday was filled with activities that I wasn't looking much forward to because I just wanted a lazy day with my husband. Soon! Waiting on the house....*sigh* Saturday had it's good points and poor points. Laura was a beautiful bride, even if a little unorganized. Missy's birthday dinner was delicious, even if it was quite a bit later than expected.

As for now we are at church...and I need to get off this computer. More later.

Bitter Sweet

Today I got my test results for my hcg, it has dropped down to 87.4. Which means most likely no D&C wahoo! Yet, part of me cannot help but long and feel sad at the same time. What a thing to be excited about? That my pregnancy is ending without surgical help, yay! Notice the sarcasm here, I am feeling so down and trying to get into an even closer relationship with God because I know that will help. Yet, I cannot help but still long to hold my little bundle of joy, who's life ended before it even got a chance to begin. I am so happy to know I will see my child again in heaven.

Blood Work and Emotions

Well I got some good news today that normally wouldn't be considered as good news to most. My beta hCG came back at 304.3. It has dropped significantly from the 14th when it was 3926.6. My research online shows the reason that they are now testing me every 48 hours is to make sure that it falls at least 50% every two days, if it doesn't there is probably residual tissue from the baby still inside my uterus. WHICH would mean another dose of the Cytotec Friday inserted by the Dr. I am anticipating another ultrasound Friday to see what is going on inside of me.

It's so sad, I am so ready to be off of this roller coaster. I don't know what it will be like when I am no longer pregnant and grieving for my baby. I know some moments it hits me hard and all I can do is cry out to God and bawl my eyes out. Other times it's like, I have this crazy peace that tells me everything will be Okay. I know everything will work out as God plans. Yet, sometimes it does not help this process I am going through. Inserting those pills into myself made me think of all of those women that take plan B or go for abortions. It made me so angry. How is it that so many have to go through this lose and have to try so hard for babies....those women that will make amazing parents. But it seems like many get pregnant on accident or without trying too hard and later do not realize what a blessing they have received from God.

I vow to be a great mommy. But for now I have to focus on being a good wife, sister, aunt, cousin, student, and just follow God. My heart is aching, it is so hard going to work and getting out of bed. Having to see pregnant bellies, knowing those that got pregnant the same time as me (both times...*sigh*) are going to see there children in either July or September. I have to wait until I get to heaven, and I can tell you it pushes me to be a better person, because I cannot wait for that day. My heart is in heaven, even if my body is here on Earth.

Worst Pain Imaginable, and Needing to Call the Dr.

A half hour after posting my last blog the pain intensified and I cannot fully explain the pain that I felt. I started getting hot, and then felt cold with sweat still on forehead. I was balmy and in so much pain. The pain was throughout my lower pelvic area. It was then I started passing clots. From there I sat on toilet thinking I was going to puke from pain and leaned head on the wall and felt like I would pass out. I was shaking and James felt lost I think. He said my eyes were black and my face was white as a ghost. I laid on the couch breathing in through nose and out through mouth. I switched the heating pad between back and abdomen. It hurt so incredibly bad.

Now, bleeding hasn't began as what I had expected. Cramps aren't that bad. I haven't taken any pain meds since 530 this morning. Next step will be 4 Cytotec by mouth. IF that doesn't work, another 4 vaginally at Dr.'s office Monday. If THAT doesn't work D&C will follow later this week. I have to call Dr. now. To see what on call has to say. I am exhausted, feel like I haven't slept.

Be praying, because I am scared. I know God is with me. But pain was so intense and I do not want to go to OR. Laura's wedding is this weekend and I am not sure I am going to be ok to even go.