Psalm 113:9

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. NIV
He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD! NLT
He give childless couples a family, gives them joy as the parents of children. Hallelujah! The Message

Whenever I find a verse I like, I look it up. To see how other translations word it. But this one, it doesn't matter how it is worded. It gives me hope, as a few tears fall down my cheeks. I found this verse on the first chapter of "Dear God, Why Can't I have a Baby?" I've been surfing christianbook.com and I got drawn in. First into the books for women, and then into the books on infertility. So I am adding to my list of books to read, and I will read them. Even if we do have a child, simply so I can remember the hard times. Remember what it is like so I can minister to other women when they struggle.

Another book that I will read? And that I know will mean a box of Kleenex will need to be near by? "Empty Womb, Aching Heart: Hope and Help for Those Struggling with Infertility" Oh boy. I've read 2 stories in it while surfing the net. And holy guacamole, those women, I know their heart. I know their hurts. And so I cry with them. And pray for them. Because I know the pain is still there, even if they have kids. Even if they are 80 years old and still childless. Deep in their hearts there is a part that still longs for children. For what could have been.

I also plan on reading "Empty Arms: For Those Who Suffered A Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy" Yet, I have to tell you. Knowing personally this pain and suffering, I worry. I pray. But still I am all too aware at the fact that pregnancy doesn't always have a happy ending. Even after the first trimester. So when I get to that point, I can't tell you that I will 100% be filled with unaltered unaffected joy and hope. I will be a little anxious until the moment that I get to hold the precious little child. I will be anxious until they are able to roll over in their sleep. I will be filled with prayer and praying against my anxieties, but I am human. And it is a struggle.


Why is it that my life is consumed by this? I am ready to move on. Almost ready to just give up trying for kids and instead start preventing. I am pretty sure that if we do not get pregnant within our first 3 cycles on clomid we are done trying until I am done with school. If we get pregnant before that, regardless of the outcome, we will still be done trying. I'm ready to get life back. I'm ready to feel alive again. Instead of gray and dreary. Instead of feeling like an anchor in life that is dragging others down. I am ready to fly on wings of eagles, and have a child like faith that everything will work out for the best. That everything will work out, period.

But the above Psalm gives me hope for the future. And that sliver of hope, I will cling to.

♥ Jess