I am struggling. Maybe depressed. Maybe just lack of sleep. Lack of quality time with my husband. Lack of time away. Lack of a true vacation in the past six years. (Six years, seriously...)
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
whom he has given us.
Romans 5:2-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
whom he has given us.
Romans 5:2-5
If only I could take the above scripture seriously right now. I know it is true, but with being s dried up, I cannot move. My heart is turning hard. And I'm not doing anything to stop it, how sad is that? My faith used to not be week. I didn't teeter totter. Trying to conceive, conceiving and losing baby after baby...a mother's heart can only take so much. If my body fails me again, I hate to say it we might just be done done, I cannot do this much longer.
Then I hear people that have tried for maybe five months now talk about how one person they know is pregnant and how badly it sucks. Uh, trust me I freaking know. Wanted to say, "Get over it, Move on..." just like was said to me. Bitterness. That is what has filled my heart and soul. Black Bitterness. Since trying I have seen at least seven friends get pregnant or have babies. SEVEN. In a year of three losses. And the complaint of ONE pregnant person in five months of trying, while the person admits that they only tried hard core for 2 months...TWO months. Try 8 months of taking your temperature every day. 12 months of using OPKs, and the months of not trying that included the OPKs. 8 months of additional vitamins, multiple tests, hundreds (maybe thousands) of dollars in medical bills. All the while not getting to sleep next to my husband because of the shift I am working now, getting little sleep, and questioning why? Why God?
My cup is dry. My soul is defeated. I am weak. I have no energy to do anything at the moment. Maybe it is a combo of third shift too, but I am feeling depressed.
That seven page paper that is due tomorrow at 6pm. Haven't even started it...but sleep seems like a better option at the moment.
I need prayer. I need God to show me He still loves me.
at church this morning I thought of you when we read Romans 8: 37-39 (NIV)... "In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord"
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel, and I hope sleep helps a little, but I know you need more. I just hope you don't get to down on yourself about your relationship with God, He is still there with you, and nothing will come between the love you have for him and the love he has for you.
Stay Strong Jess. Sending you some virtual hugs!!!
I love you chica and I hate seeing you struggle....I want to hug you every time I see you because I can not imagine the pain. I am sorry if I am not always there in the way you need and wish beyond all wishing that I could change all of this. I know that God has His way but right now I don't understand or fathom His reason for the amount of pain you must be in. Again I love you and will be praying for you as I always am.
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