Possibilities

So I had a feeling December (namely Christmas) would be the time we would be finding out about a pregnancy. I have kind of clung to that hope and reassurance I received from God.

Then I realized we had sex within our window of likelihood of getting pregnant. And with the likelihood of me going early again the Jan 10th 2015 due date (yup I just used a calculator to figure it out) I would have would likely end up being close to December.

So as you can see I am obsessing about what I have been feeling lately. From headaches 5ish dpo. To my unshakable fatigue today at 7-8dpo (and you guessed it I looked back to Matthew's pregnancy and the symptoms are pretty darn close).

I guess we will see soon. I think I will be picking up some cheap pregnancy tests to start taking Friday. (11-12dpo) trying not to get my hopes up but I have also had 2 people when talking about Disney 2016 tell me "well by then you could have another baby" (which would be true if we found out about a pregnancy in December or ended up delivering in December. ..I just favor the findings out in December because of when it would make me due in relation to graduation!  But I am not too picky ;-) infertility has taught me I cannot make plans)

Eeeek! Either way I am hopeful and believing in God's perfect timing and that his plan will be far better than I could ever wish or dream.

Update: Weight and Vacation Dreams

Weight is at an increase/standstill with a lovely side  of unexplained constipation.  Miserable and mad at myself for gaining. 199 folks.

This week I changed things up and I goal is to not count calories from walking at work but I also increased my calories to lose 1 lb a week instead of 1.5 lbs. I am trying to do a biggest loser dvd every other day. And focus on water and eat more fiber....along with taking miralax the past 2 days. Have I mentioned I am miserable? 

On another note. I think the Disney planning for 2016 has officially begun over in our household my family probably thinks I am crazy. I have a spreadsheet with prices started, a pinterest board for it, and some pretty cool ideas forming if you ask me!

I kind of want to go all out for the Disney stay just because if we pay for the meal plan that won't be an added cost once we are down there. Stay at a Disney resort. Enjoy the park an hour early! Have dinner with characters all around.

Then there is Harry Potter land. Eeek geek getting excited over here. And also I have decided as long as we prevent pregnancy so I won't be pregnant then a baby before would be okay because they have awesome parent swaps that you can do at both theme parks. And then 2 other people get to ride with the person who missed out!

I cannot wait for anyone in the family to get excited with me. :-) Before getting excited for the trip though I think they will need to enjoy the excitement of my sister graduating from MSU and the likelihood of her wedding in 2015 (which is why we moved the trip to 2016).

Random post I know but here are a few of my ideas. . .

○ By this Christmas have the Disney resort stay set up with a Travel Agent so we can make payments, and present it to the family. Pending our financial situation I wouldn't mind being able to pay for the entire portion of Disney. If I do that we will probably skip the family suites and just do 3 double queen rooms. My mom is anxious about having the money and because she watches Matthew for free I would love to bless her

○ I want to get colored shirts that match each day so we can find each other in the crowd more easily. If they don't go for it Matthew James and I will be at least matching. I think Disney and Universal are so busy you could easily lose sight of your family in the crowd (especially younger children).

○ Have an itinerary so we know when things are and when our fast pass appointments are. My mom laughed and said she was going to need alcohol, but if we ate paying that much for Disney I want to get the best bang for our buck.

That's all for now. I have an exam today and a paper due for clinical. Time to get busy!

Observations and Weight Loss (kind of)

I guess I should just get the weight loss update done and overwith.

The lowest I have saw was not today (disgusting 198.0) but instead it was Monday (maybe?!) and was 194.8 so we are going with that number as I have been struggling with constipation and eating habits the past few days.

Probably because I saw a good number.

Anyways, I am down a total of 19.2 pounds and excited to be 2.8 away from pre pregnancy weight.

Observations/Updates?

My belly is still jiggly, Thanks to my blessing. I am okay with it but sometimes compare my post pregnancy body to what I was at 192 lbs before pregnancy.  Bad idea let me tell you because the jiggles and the stretch marks are worth my booger nosed boy.

My nails are growing fast. And for me that has always meant 1 or 2 things: good ovulation or pregnancy. Being that I know I am not pregnant it must mean O has been improving.

James has been feeling more frisky because he and I are both feeling and looking better. He even told me he wanted to use condoms around O time to avoid pregnancy because of how well we are doing. Being as I am on CD 12 we probably should if we are actively going to avoid but I want to leave it up to God so we shall see. But in honesty I would like to not get pregnant until I can have short term disability.

I signed up for my LPN boards. The day before my final exam for my nursing class. Your read that right. Lock me up or medicate me because I think I have lost my mind.

Matthew is sick again. Darn molars and viruses ruining good days over this way.

I think that is about it for now other than these cute pics of Matthew! He may or may not have figured out how to open my camera and take selfies. Hilarious.

Weight Loss Wednesday Postponed

I legitimately forgot to weigh in this morning. Not like me, but Matthew has a cold or allergies mixed with teething and has a super snotty nose. Which equates to very poor and minimal sleep for me. At 2 or 3 we moved to the couch. And he is actually semi blowing his nose to get snot out, which is clear, but he is THAT desperate.

Speaking of desperate,  I desperately need caffeine! And on another note James had to set up a holster monitor to see what exactly is going on with his heart when it goes all wonky a day irregular.  Doctor isn't concerned about it, but a small part of me is. It's his heart who wouldn't be at least a little concerned? Also, he's trying to give up caffeine because that is mostly what is causing the heart irregularity.

Not this woman, i need a bolus of caffeine stat!

Date Day Saturday (and a little more)

This past Saturday James and I had a whole day without Matthew. And let me tell you, it was a little weird to be able to hold hands and walk around without juggling a squirming body in my hit or constantly disconnecting out grasp to run and grab Matthew from getting into something.

But it was also WONDERFUL! We went and saw Divergent (which I had wanted to read but now definitely will be reading) and God's Not Dead. God's Not Dead was AMAZING. Great plot and made tears spring from my eyes for sure. We each ate candy of choice, and split the popcorn in each movie. We walked around the mall, found 3 shirts for Matthew that equaled 5.31 for all three (that was pretty darn exciting), we had A&W in the food court, cold stone before heading back towards home, and then had Applebee's with my family.

And then my period started. The only thing that could have made the day better would have been sex lol. Still waiting for my period to go away, CD 4 today.

On another note, after that crappy eating this morning I saw a number OVER 200 for the first time in weeks. Being that I am feeling constipated I am not going to weigh in tomorrow, or rather I probably will but won't be discouraged because I am on my period.

Another, another note...I am still debating about the balloon release. And thinking about the pollution. It would be beautiful but not sure if I would feel too guilty about it. Also I wasn't sad this month when I found out I wasn't pregnant. A little surprised because of the drop in breastmilk, but not sad.

I am thinking I would like to weigh at least 180 or less and have run a 5k before getting pregnant again (would like to be under 200 lbs still by the end of the pregnancy). But ultimately I know it is in God's hands! I am eating lots of foods that are supposed to be a super food due to antioxidant properties and love it when they come with additional likeliness of anti inflammatory responses. Because I seriously feel this could be a huge issue for me.

32 Day Cycle!

Woot! Pretty excited to have a "normal" length cycle. I had a 36 day cycle last month and found that to be a bit excessive. I can definitely deal with 32!!!

Weight Loss Wednesday

When I first (re)started this weight loss journey, I weighed 214.0...las week I weighed 199.4. And now 60ish days into this journey I weigh....196.0!! I am down 3.4 lbs from last week! I attribute it to where I am in my cycle and actually trying to add exercise (though it has only happened 2x this week).

I have officially lost 18 lbs and fitting into pre pregnancy shorts!!! Yay! My jeans are getting big on me, which I think with make my sister S happy to hear because she had stole them from me and talked about how well they fit her lol. Soon she will be getting them!

On another note my milk production is down. Like I normally pump 6-8 oz and I am getting barely 4. AF is due within the next week or so, so I am sure that is why. But my brain cannot help but go to the what if you are pregnant again thoughts!

Also Matthew has been beating me up....He threw a 2 lb weight at my foot and this past Sunday while getting easter pics he gave me a black eye! So here are those pics, bruised foot, black eye, and a couple of his easter pics. How is it that he is 16 months already?

Awake

Sometimes I just wake up and cannot sleep. I think in this moments God comes to me and says "take this time to spend some quiet time with me."

So in this moment I am just reflecting on all we have been through with infertility and loss. Thanking God for allowing me to finally see He was there for me when I turned 18, and for allowing me to move through my bitterness to fall into his arms again.

8 losses. Who lives through that and still has hope for another child? This girl right here. My husband and I have both gotten reassurance that one more baby is coming our way. But even then I told my husband I don't know if I will EVER be ready to take assertive measures to make sure we don't have to worry about getting pregnant (and miscarrying) again. Even if it means I am 40 and get pregnant. Even if it means God decides to bless us with 3 more children after Matthew.

How crazy am I to just live in this hope that God is in control and will take care of it all for me? Thank you Jesus for Hope!

Something has awakened within me that says God I will love you in EVERY circumstance. Even if we lose all of our weight we hope to and you cause me to struggle with infertility. Even if you take away another pregnancy. Even in my sadness, grief abounding, hopeful heart, I will turn to You!

Thank you. Your hope is what keeps me going. That and Jeremiah 29:11. Your plans are NOT to harm me, but to give me HOPE and a future.