Dreams

I think I posted about my jurasic park themed dreams awhile back.

Well dreaming for me is abnormal. VERY strange.

This morning I dreamed about winning to be park of a group to tour behind the scenes at an aquarium while feeding all the exotic sea creatures. To start out with my SIL was the tour guide (she is an RN). Secondly when it came to feeding the animals they had us riping our fingers into the sides and pulling the meaty stuff off...with our fingers, yes. Leaving the bones and head. Disgusting, I know. THEN it came to feeding the whale (Yes, a WHALE), and I remember asking, how many are we going to have to peal for this thing?! Well the answer became very clear. When SIL said not fish and along the sides of the tank were giant (like half of her sized) prehistoric looking, black shrimp. No joke. I couldnt make this crap up. She almost fell in the first time, second time I thought she was going to drown or get eatten by the whale, and the third time James got smart and grabbed her feet before she fell in.

Yes, go ahead laugh. I did. James looked at me as if I were an alien.

I te-heed about my crazy dreams.

And then nap time came.

I woke up every hour. I have to work tonight, and have VBS from 6-9 so there isnt time for a nap later. That makes for a very grumpy me. I have had tummy aches from needing to go poo lately. (I think it is the fiber intake from mushrooms and grease from burger yesterday). I dont know which I would rather have: constipation nausea, or tummy grumbling bottom hurting. (Sorry if tmi...it is the truth).

So this last time of waking up (i laid down a little after 1. Woke up 145, 300, and 415)...I was wishing for my other dream back.

To set the scene, it is a heat wave in MI 100 index, and swealtering humidity. So I got our ac unit off layaway. Well turns out it doesnt fit, anywhere. James blames me. But I KNOW what he wrote down said the stupid thing would fit. Anyways, so I had lifted it by myself from cart to car. It really isnt too crazy heavy, but ensue yelling from my husband. Which in turn makes me worry, when I wasnt worried before. Add the tummy aches and normal cramping....I wake up from my dream in utter panic.

The dream? I woke up from nap with stomache ache and terrible cramps. To go sit on toilet only to be spotting, and then see bright read upon next wipe. Seriously.

First miscarriage dream has happened. Cramps were multiplied until I calmed self down. I almost called the OB to get in for a quick u/s or doppler reading. And if what cramping I am still having (even though no spotting) I might call tomorrow or send my OB an email.

This is ridiculous. This is pregnant life after 5 losses. It isnt fair, right, or normal to worry this much.

In case any are curious my sister is going to carry the ac unit in for me to return it. We bought fans. And now can pay extra bills and put some $ in savings for alignment (or just get it now). Money is still quite tight, but having faith God will pull through. I want all our medical bills paid off, and quickly. *sigh*

Pic Update

I plan on adding more later, but need to zip out to VBS here quick so here are a few pictures....

Good News!

Well even though we waited 45 min for ultrasound to start it was SO worth it!
The baby is measuring right on track at 14 weeks. Had a heartbeat of 160.


Here are a couple pics for your viewing pleasure....

And my cervix measured perfect at 4.9!
I asked about jogging and doctor said since I havent been walking to start there and at next appointment (July 5th, two weeks from today!!) if still good I will get the go ahead. I want to do another 5k!

Well I need to get motivated our house needs to be cleaned, car needs to be cleaned out, and a nap needs to be taken before work. Tomorrow is going to be another busy but fun day: car wash & vacuum, pack for Friday night and Saturday, get snacks and cooler around for water, and make biscuits and gravy before one when we will be meeting at Jenny's house to head into Lansing for the day. Nails and Pedis at 5, rehearsal at 7:30 followed by a delicious taco bar for dinner. And then games night for us girls (because as many of you know, no bride can really sleep the night before her wedding!!).

And last but not least, today we are announcing on facebook with this photo! Isn't Jack Jack so stinking cute!!

Dentist and Other Thoughts

I am a little strange in the fact that I really dont mind going to the dentist...even if it is for a filling. I have been going to the same dentist since I was about the age of 3 or 4....so 20+ years!

Today I had to have a filling, a sealant, and my front tooth polished.

My front tooth, my sister would tell you the story as it were a comedy, but to me it was a nightmare. Set the scene for you.

Colorguard practice, senior year. We were working with our shorrter flags, which were really really light...so we could get some awesome height and rotation. I was trying to get it to do a quadripple toss, when someone made me laugh. I opened my mouth....got distracted. When....

BAM. Instant hillbilly tooth. Chipped. My teeth were the ONE thing I really felt confident about. Pearly Whites. Perfectly straight. Now flawed.

It was DEVESTATING. I BAWLED like a BABY. No joke. Ok maybe you are finding it humerous...but not me because that tooth has never been the same. If I try whitening my teeth I have to go in to get the color changed. It stains easier. It is more fragile than other teeth, so I have chipped it in same spot before.

Pain in the ASS.

Well today he was supposed to just polish it, but it wasnt cooperating. So he had to touch up the color and go from there. Well now I can see the like from where the chip was clear as day. Not happy. But of course I didnt look in mirror til AFTER I had left. *sigh* No me gusta lo.

As for the filling, easy peasey, small one due to flaw in my teeth. Probably could have been prevented if I used floride mouthwash on a more regular basis, or had gone in and got it sealed instead of not going to the dentist for 2 years because we didnt have dental.

As for the sealant...they taste as nasty as I remember that is for sure!!

And of course my dentist asks when there are going to be little ones, and forgot to write down in my chart that I have struggled with infertility and loss. Anyways, so I tell him..."Actually I will be 14 weeks tomorrow!" And remind him of other losses and that I am considered high risk....blah blah blah.

Well he remembers to write on my chart that I am pregnant. The receptionist, bless her heart says, "You dont look too big!" So I tell her, I can feel the difference. And she says, well it is good you are holding onto your shape. LOL I have wanted the round belly for so long I will be so overjoyed when I finally pop where everyone can tell, "Man she is pregnant!"

And then you know my brain...it goes to, am I supposed to be bigger? What does that mean? Is all going well in there baby? It has been 3 weeks since I heard the heartbeat, and thank goodness TOMORROW is my ultrasound!!

And then it says, nope...you just arent showing yet because you are a fatty. And I then think of my coworkers...one that was a little bigger than me (and definitely larger boned, taller, etc) that was 9months pregnant and still just looked chunky. And another that is bigger than me (probably around a 22-24 now if I had to guess) said to me, "I was smalller than I am now and I never got the big tight belly with either of my pregnancies." Insert sad face. I want the big tight beautiful pregnant belly. I dont want people wondering, "Is she really pregnant, or just fat?" "Is she just fat....or pregnant?" Oiy.

I did hug a friend Sunday night though and she said to me, "Oooooh, I like feeling that little bump starting." That made me smile. She and her husband started doing MFP a little after James and I. She started out the same size as me and pretty much the same weight. She is now down to a size 12 being baggy and looks SOOOO good. She is able to fit into her wedding dress for the first time since trying it on when she got married almost 6 years ago. Her husband has lost 30lbs and is skinnier and in better shape than when they got married.

And it is sad I am a little envious! I want James and I to be in shape. But I have been a bad influence to him lately eating wise, and I have been too scared to exercise now that I am feeling better. I told James (in love, not being mean at all...dont take it as such), I am making goals for him to be under 280 by the time the baby comes (I actually said 275) which means he'd have to lose about 30lbs. And I have SO much faith in him. Once he is on days I am sure the weight will melt off...it will mean no more late night (like 10pm) dinners, motivation to take walks together in the evenings, and a happier hubby (sexier than ever, too I am sure ;-D)

My goal is to maintain as long as possible through my second trimester. If I can not hit 200lbs until close to when the baby gets here I will be amazed. If I dont ever hit it, even better! LOL I am not dieting, let me assure you. But I have started counting calories to maintain and watch my choices if I go over the following day. And with as often as I am going to get u/s I have faith that we will see if baby isnt growing and gaining weight as hoped....and then I will greatly agree to gain more. :-)

13 Weeks bump update

13 weeks from BabyCenter.com

7w6d

11w4d
191.4 lbs

13w3d
191.6
I didn't suck in at all here. :-O
And no control top panty hose...
Feeling like in stage of not looking pregnant,
and instead feeling excruciatingly fat and bloated.

Baby: his/her head is now only one third of the size of the body. And is somewhere between the size of a shrimp, peach, or lemon...depending on the website and app you go by. Tiny little fingers now have finger prints, and all the organs forming are visible through the transparent skin. 

What to pray for: The baby's voice. For the vocal cords, wind pipe, larynx, pharynx, and all other little organs associated with speech to form correctly. For our little one to speak only positive things, and avoid things such as gossip and abusive language. For our child to have a sweet singing voice for the Lord, and joy to spring from his or her lips. 

Mommy: feeling much better lately when it comes to nausea! If I do not stay up on my water intake constipation/that bloated fat feeling comes on quite quickly. Fatigue is still hanging in, but I really feel I have done pretty well with not taking excessive naps this first trimester. Hard to believe that this is my last week in the first tri. Next week begins the second trimester and our next peek into the tiny world of our baby at our u/s on the 20th. 

Maternity Clothes: I really don't have many half banded things, so I have been trying to avoid maternity clothes. But I did buy a cute dress for $8 at JCPenny, and love my clearance shorts I picked up from there when I was pregnant for the very first time. I think I may pick up another pair, even though they are $25 (I am feeling super cheap with clothes lately...). I am in the inbetween stage where maternity clothes aren't really necessary, but feel SO much better than having to squeeze into my other shorts.

Things I hope to accomplish this summer....

Go to the zoo....at least twice!
Weekend trip to Chicago (maybe blue man group and definitely shedd's aquarium!)
Get my tan on at Lake Michigan at least twice.
Camping!!
Get off weekends only at work so I can actually enjoy this summer!
Still be going strong with this pregnancy and feel my baby moving and groovin' in my belly!
Throw an awesome gender reveal party!
Clean out the garage
Clean the poarch
Get prices on new windows and front door
Have a savings again
Pay off lots of debt
Begin tithing again
Spend time with my neices and nephew :-)

This summer is already flying by too fast I am hoping after the wedding it slows down a bit!

Confession

I realized that I haven't been praying like I have in the past.
I haven't kept up on reading "Praying Through Your Pregnancy" like in the past.
I haven't laid hands on my belly daily and asked God for the baby to be healthy and thriving.

And it hit me why.
Especially as I was reading through blogs and discovered more women that have had second trimester losses.

It petrifies me.
Rattles me to the core.

I haven't prayed, because I am afraid like in the past my prayers won't be heard.
God won't answer them.
And we will be left broken hearted once again.

And that is a sad place to be in.
Not to pray, because you have learned prayers + pregnancy doesn't always = healthy outcome.

Because I haven't been praying, or going to church at all honestly, I have noticed fear taking root.
Fear of having a child that is disabled. Of one that has some sort of other incapacity to live and maintain a healthy "normal" life. The thought of dealing with those potential challenges and then thinking about how I still need to get through school...well that is another crazy place to be.

Then I notice fear, of just going to the doctor and finding out there isn't a heartbeat.
Getting a doppler and not being able to find it myself.
Fear that because I stopped my extra folic acid half way through the first trimester that there will be a defect that will be caused by me. (This one has gotten me the worst lately. I have been trying to take it more, but all the vitamins upset my tummy).

The list goes on.

I am going to fight against this harder, but quite often I feel snared in the web of lies and fear I know Satan has started to encase me in.

I want to feel the freedom of Christ in knowing that everything is going to be alright. No matter how things turn out HE is in control. I want my child to know these things, and not grow in my womb surrounded by fear and worry and doubt.

SO from now on, I for sure will do weekly updates on this pregnancy. I will add what my book says to be praying for. And I am going to leave the rest up to God because it is out of my control.

Short Thought.

The feeling of being blessed has utterly picked me up and brought me off my feet.

Blessed for all we have been through.

Because I now KNOW what it is like to be in the shoes I personally have walked and can minister to so many women due to it.

Because I have met so many wonderful women.

Because now I can just cry at the drop of the hat when stopping to think about how truly loved and amazed by the miracle of life I am.

I may complain at times. Feel frustrated about life.

But I wouldnt change what God has given us.

We have a family that is truly celebrating and excited about this pending arrival. We have a God that loves us dearly. And friends that are willing to know our hearts and love us through the tough times.

I am blessed. No matter how long God decides to give us this life, I will celebrate this little one. Because as a woman that has experienced loss and infertily knows, not everything goes as expected or hoped.

But all I can do is hope for the best, and send my prayers up to God and believe that the Holy Spirit will interceed when necessary to keep this baby healthy and thriving.

I am dreaming of the future.
James is taking it one week at a time. I think he is afraid to take that leap of faith, and I completely understand.

All Day Sickness...& Blabbering

I am caving today and filling my script for nausea. Because this is getting old. I love the fact that I am experiencing  this because of a healthy growing baby. I am not enjoying feeling sick all day.

And I feel guilty for saying that. Because I used to want to reach through the screen and strangle once infertile pregnant women and scream: STOP COMPLAINING, I WOULD TAKE THAT ANY DAY OVER WISHING AND WAITING for a second pink line, AND CRYING OVER ANOTHER LOSS.

And I STILL would take this any day over the alternative. I am blessed to be pregnant. Beyond my wildest dreams. But this nausea is really wearing me down. I have been wishing I could throw up lately. Dry heaving. Feeling disgusting....pretty much all. Day. Long.

I am not trying to sound insensitive, ungreatful, or any other unintentional description towards any woman that is in my too familiar shoes. I just thought getting to 12 weeks meant it would be getting better, not worse.

I am now down to 189 pounds as of yesterday morning. It feels good to say to some people when they ask, "How much have you gained?" "Zero. I have lost a couple pounds. And I am 12 weeks." 

I am tired and blabbering, sorry.

But on top of losing weight my clothes are getting tighter and that is an amazing thing to me. I already have a couple pairs of scrubs that have to be put away for oh at least 6 months. :-)

Ok I have more I could add but I have already sounded like a blabering, insensitive infertile pregnant woman...I am tired (just got out of work, and sleep schedule is a mess), feel sick, and am having a hard time stringing thoughts together.

Please forgive me...I am not ungreatful...just worn down.

Thoughts....

James and I got the news our newest neice was born yesterday, coming into the world at 8lbs 4oz and 20 inches long. Oh boy is she a beautiful chunky monkey. We have only seen pictures thus far, and are planning on waiting for them to be home before visiting. She has a large family that stays forever visiting, so we are going to avoid that hullabaloo of waiting to hold the baby, and pass her around (I think, James for sure...but I may see if I can go up with his parents later today =D) and just visit one day this weekend, and probably bring them something for lunch or dinner.

We then got to talking about our plans for a gender reveil party and how people don't truly understand why we are so excited and making such a big deal out of this. As James pointed out, and it made me a it teary eyed...this could end up eing our one time blessing. We do not know if we will ever get to experience pregnancy again. So yes, we are going to make a big deal about it. A year and a half wait to see a hearteat, that is a BIG deal!!

And then my heart gets a little sad when I think about the possibility of not experiencing another pregnancy with a big brother or sister to share the joy and excitement with. But that is a long time down the road, and we have enough worries for today alone right ;-)

Anyways, so our plan is to provide drinks, pulled pork (and maybe some sloppy joes as well), and the cake for the big shindig, and ask everyone else to bring a dish to pass. It helps keep cost down a little bit for us, and allows more variety that way. :-) On the boards I am on, some women are already finding out they have little boys on the way! So who knows for sure when the ultrasound tech will be able to tell! It could be in 3 weeks (though I hope it is further along, because if we got the envelope then, I dont think James could wait til July to find out....). When I told James this he was like, WHAT? But we dont have the meat yet. I had to tell him, we could still wait til July to find out. (Oiy!) He flip flops most days on which gender he wants this baby to be, but I think he truly doesnt care...he just wants a healthy little baby. But would love a boy to pass on the family name!

Then, we got to talking more, and I mentioned if we had the money right now I would SO by a doppler so we could hear the heartbeat whenever we wanted. He said nope, because you want it because you worry.

Which, being honest is partly true. But then he went on to say, and plus then it wouldnt be as special when we heard it at the doctors. WRONG in my book. Hearing the heartbeat is such an amazingly beautiful sound that just places such reassurance and peace in my heart that I do NOT think I could grow tired off it. And the doppler I want is only $60 but that is money we could spend elsewhere right now.... =( boo.

This post ended up being a long blabbering post, sorry about that....just so much on my mind!

Oh and also, James didnt think he saw much of a difference from 7 to 11 weeks. I do, but then again it is my body! And I can SO tell. Bloating or bump...it is there! I told him he was crazy and showed him Lisa's comment saying she could see the difference ;-) haha that made him smile and he said to me, "So now you are going to tell them I couldnt see it, aren't you?" Boy oh boy does he know me!

Have a good Monday! I plan on sleeping most of it away. The joys of third shift!

11 Weeks "Bump" update (more like bloatasaurus!!)

James and I
:-) All dressed up for a wedding!

7w6d

11w4d
Definite bloat going on,
had control top panty hose on and everything...
Still weighed in at 191.4 this morning!

With a four week difference you can definitely see a little bit more rounder tummy. I can feel it in everyday cloths but comparing here is like... "holy toots!! This is real!!"

Now that we are borrowing my future brother-in-law's (ok one day future brother in law...he needs to get off his butt and propose) camera, hopefully I will keep up with this once a week Shooting to wear this dress for as long as possible. 

Baby: can already kick, stretch and move! Probably feels like swimming in an Olympic sized pool :-) 

Photo from BabyCenter.com
11 weeks

Mommy: has major nausea, gas, and occasional constipation. For a woman that doesn't usually burp, it is a whole new world!! Feeling like a teenage boy with all the gassiness going on. Thankfully only threw up twice so far this week, though I have really thought it was going to happen at least once a day. Belly feels bloated, and gets full feeling pretty fast most days...but when food actually sounds good and tastes good, watch out! Smells are also really starting to get to me! Still have cramping off and on (which of course worries me at times).

I am not feeling the greatest, so I am going to let you guys go. Was hoping for sleep...but thinking that isn't going to happen quite yet.

♥ Jess

Emotions & Pregnancy Update

Today I am pretty emotional, darn hormones. (I am SO beyond blessed to think about my little baby's heart beating and baby growing inside of me today, and thinking about my SIL that should be going into ANY day now!)

But really, it is more than that.

It is the overwhelming feeling of how blessed we are.
And how unworthy I feel.
And how amazed by God's provisions I am.

Frustrations with myself for not preparing for being a matron of honor later this month a bit better.
Frustrations with the maid of honor for having mommy and daddy help out instead of helping with her own money.
And disbelief and happiness for my best friend that after all the toads she has been through she finally found her prince.

I am so thankful for my sister Melissa for going with me and helping me with the bachelorette party plans.
Thankful for my other sisters for allowing me to vent, cry at movies, and play Disney Scene It without judging me.
Thankful for all the times they help me out around the house, when I am feeling too tired and unmotivated to tackle the mess.
I hope one day I am as good of a sister to them as they are to me. Because I am beyond blessed and thankful.