Confession

I realized that I haven't been praying like I have in the past.
I haven't kept up on reading "Praying Through Your Pregnancy" like in the past.
I haven't laid hands on my belly daily and asked God for the baby to be healthy and thriving.

And it hit me why.
Especially as I was reading through blogs and discovered more women that have had second trimester losses.

It petrifies me.
Rattles me to the core.

I haven't prayed, because I am afraid like in the past my prayers won't be heard.
God won't answer them.
And we will be left broken hearted once again.

And that is a sad place to be in.
Not to pray, because you have learned prayers + pregnancy doesn't always = healthy outcome.

Because I haven't been praying, or going to church at all honestly, I have noticed fear taking root.
Fear of having a child that is disabled. Of one that has some sort of other incapacity to live and maintain a healthy "normal" life. The thought of dealing with those potential challenges and then thinking about how I still need to get through school...well that is another crazy place to be.

Then I notice fear, of just going to the doctor and finding out there isn't a heartbeat.
Getting a doppler and not being able to find it myself.
Fear that because I stopped my extra folic acid half way through the first trimester that there will be a defect that will be caused by me. (This one has gotten me the worst lately. I have been trying to take it more, but all the vitamins upset my tummy).

The list goes on.

I am going to fight against this harder, but quite often I feel snared in the web of lies and fear I know Satan has started to encase me in.

I want to feel the freedom of Christ in knowing that everything is going to be alright. No matter how things turn out HE is in control. I want my child to know these things, and not grow in my womb surrounded by fear and worry and doubt.

SO from now on, I for sure will do weekly updates on this pregnancy. I will add what my book says to be praying for. And I am going to leave the rest up to God because it is out of my control.