John 10:10

Pretty sure this verse speaks the truth. Satan is really trying to bring me down. Figured out the miscarriages didn't work so instead the attacks have been on my left knee. First when I fell, got stitches, cellulitis,  and a reaction to the stitches.

And now I also managed to fall, at work, on wet floors. Doing the splits. Off the clock. And it is swollen let me tell you, I have to wait to get MRI approved by lovely workman's comp before I can have one done to make sure everything is dandy. Pain in the hiney. I did buy a knee brace and let me tell you it helps WONDERS.

Whenever we get close to sitting much better financially due to me working many hours it seems that something happens, especially if I say I am going to start working out or am excited to possibly have the house clean due to 4 days off (well only school on 2 out of the 4) in a row!

Makes me laugh kind of. Because it is quite ridiculous and makes me feel like such a dumba$$. Really am praying and hoping and believing it is just a stretch and it will heal itself and after this weekend no need for restrictions. *sigh*

Sometimes this life gets overwhelming and I just don't know whether to sour down and cry or laugh while shaking my head.

Anyways not the best pic but here is the swelling comparison....

Cycles and Job Opportunities

I have been watching my cycles closely and due to not having too many since having Matthew that haven't been a miscarriage I am struggling to recognize what are "normal" symptoms for me right before my period starts. Evidently crankiness and overly emotional/feeling sad/discouraged are from periods coming. I just had a 31 day cycle and it excited me to no end!

Back to my normal pre Matthew. Yay! Going to pick up a cheap bbt from the store and try to start temping. We will be preventing for a few short months (which makes me sad....but it is for a good reason).

Why prevent? My husband is likely starting a new job September 1st and we have 60 days before he is eligible for insurance. No insurance = avoiding potential baby being made those months. So if I can get down to at least the 170s by November 1st we are going to actively start ttc.

This will be a good move for him. Same miles away from home. A dollar better pay. And 15 days of vacation time! At his work he only gets 5. And no sick days. This next year he would be available for 10 but the environment really isn't good for him. Without saying too much there is a boss that is believed to be drinking on the job and no one is doing anything and there simply isn't any team work and it just drives James crazy!

Anyways. Bbt starts this month so I can also know when to check opks and really know when I am ovulating.  So we can do our best to prevent without much condom use. Prefer to avoid them if possible. Pull out and pray method here we come ;-)

Haha anyways there is also another potential job opportunity at my job I am hoping is going to open up in August. The rehab is going to try first and 2nd with 2 nurses one on each hall of the department. Talk about AMAZING! This girl is going to apply. Even if they won't give me first shift full time and work around school I am going to ask about first/2nd float for rehab. I don't want 2nd but I think it would make me eligible to skip med surge in the hospital and jump right into a labor and delivery position. Huge opportunity so prayers are appreciated! Plus with 2 full times have 2 days off a week it would give me available to even have 1st shift only and have up to 8 days to choose from for pick up. And make me eligible for insurance do we could compare mine to James' and pick the best. I think his will be best since I have already seen his paperwork it isn't as good as what we have now and costs more (because insurance is free where he is at now...) but it will be beneficial for our family.

On another front sweetcorn is ready! The first day selling roadside we made $60 and the stand was empty when James got home around 3pm. I think I am going to post at work so people can call and ask me to bring it in and sell there as well.
Next summer with me not having to do school and Matthew being older we should be able to do more produce. Right now I think we are around 1.5 acres total. With sweetcorn, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, and some squash. Right now we have zucchini the size of thighs from not being able to have time to get out there and pick them!

I think next year green beans and sugar snap peas would sell huge. Along with pumpkins in October. Eventually we will have our own little store, not just a stand along side of the road. And I hope to have a few apple trees, peach trees, pear trees, and maybe even cherry as well. Then small things of blueberries and strawberries would be wonderful. If we have a small store we would have an industrial kitchen to do pies and can produce to sell year round I think. Plus do donuts and coffee and maybe simple sandwiches or salads. Maybe even soft serve ice cream during the summer.

Our goal for this year is to have 3,000 come in from the produce and I do believe we will come close. If not exceed it!

Anyways chores are calling and so is homework (rather a classmate asking if I am awake because she has questions on things I haven't even started yet!)

Will update later ♡

As our kids get older we will be able to do more because I am sure with James being their dad they will want to be outside and help. Plus it would be a good way for them to learn responsibility. And no I am not talking child labor here lol! Dreaming big a long way down the road here.

Reminiscing

Looking at pictures from my pregnancy with Matthew and when he was an itty bitty newborn. My heart aches looking at them.

Both with awe and wonder.  But also questioning and sadness.  Awe and wonder about the growth and development of a little one inside of me and my belly as he grew. But also awe and wonder at the immense love I felt for him before I even got to meet him.

Then creeps in the questioning. The sadness. Will I ever get the experience that again? Will I ever get to bring another tiny tike into this world? How many more losses of life will I have to endure before that day, if it ever come?

I really need to get back on my game of being focused on weight loss and being healthy. With working and school it is hard to put in the energy and extra effort. Because most days I find myself mindlessly eating something terrible for me because it is quick and on the go. OR I am supper stressed and craving something sweet....or some greasy depression food.

And then because I am looking at this and how I have "failed" by losing my pre pregnancy weight and not being able to get under it (or pregnant successfully) I notice myself starting to really pick at myself for how terrible of a housewife I am. My house is a disaster and I cannot even balance our budget to get everything to work even with as many hours as I have been working.

Basically the fact that my body feels broken due to my inability to continue on my weight loss journey without bumps and detours in the road...it gives the devil a foot hold to tear me down in other areas of my life.

Because the facts are...I am busy. 12 days in 2 weeks I am doing work or school. That leaves 2 days off that are often filled with trying to catch the house cleaning up and get homework done. I do my best with the life I am living. I somehow manage to be a good mom, a semi-attentive wife, while being a student and a working new nurse. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a big S under my clothing with a cape attached because I seriously do not know how I am able to keep going some days.

And then I make a slightly overwhelming to do list for the day and tell myself I can do this.

Much like my reminiscing from looking at photos. If fat really is part of my infertility I guess I need to stop eating donuts or candy bars and bring on the smoothies oatmeal and fruits and veggies. I can do this. It might be a little bumpy to get into again but I can and WILL do this because whether or not I am able to have another little one....it will be worth it for me. I am worth the extra energy and motivation.

Life

Sorry for the non-creative title. Just really wanted to update on what has been going on in life the past few days

Finances - really been a struggle and a reminder of how if you don't tell your money where to go it really does disappear quickly! I have a typed up paper of finances and need to grab reign of things especially with me working more we should be able to get things back on track! I finally sat down and figured out September will be when I will be more comfortable with our finances. Hopefully I can keep up my pace with working like I am until then. And then one thing is for sure...we will need a vacation.

House - it is getting cleaner slowly but surely. Do not look at the bathrooms, guest bedroom or the kitchen right now but the rest of the house definitely is more liveable. Really wanting to get it cleaner so I can focus on organization and putting up more photos! Definitely remaining more optimistic and focused on getting this goal finally completed!

School - I did much better on my 2nd exam. We have 4 days of clinical left and I have quite a bit of that paperwork due. But I have our case studies for class done so that is a huge sigh of relief. Right now I want to say I have an 80% in the class so hopefully my grades continue to get better on the exams so I can face the final with a huge cushion.

Exercise/Weight Loss - I could giggle at this one. Or snort. Because I am sucking it up in this area lately. Saturday is going to start our smoothies again an meticulous calorie counting. I didn't get exercise in this week yet but maybe tomorrow. If not definitely next week. Because I am SO desperately out of shape.

TTC - well not holding my breath on this one until I am under at the very least 180 and able to jog again. We are still having unprotected sex and I do plan on following my temps next cycle. I found my old bbt but let me tell you what my stinker did when he found it...He took off the end lost it and I have decided it would be more beneficial to buy another one from walmart than spend the time finding the cap and buying a new battery.

Prayer Life/Bible Verse - I have been struggling talking to God I think because I feel like I am drowning in the business off life and financial burden. We still haven't began tithing and it definitely convicts my heart. We might have to just jump in both feet with reckless abandonment and have faith that God won't let us miss that 10% prayers for this would be appreciated!! Also my favorite verse lately has been 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." I am working on not feeling fearful. Claiming the power of Jesus. Loving myself and others just as they are. And becoming more self - disciplined in all the areas of my life.

God is Good! I cannot wait to have this season of financial struggle behind us though and hopefully soon after be expecting another baby! Big hopes and dreams :-)

Determined

I am determined to get my life back on track.

Finances will get better....I am working my booty off. 4 days of school + 8 days of work the next pay period.

I have goals for the next 2 weeks for house work. Pray I follow through I am ready to have a clean home.

I am going to start exercising regularly by the end of the month. Debating about Jillians 30 day shred or Biggest Loser Cardio max. Plus walks with Matthew at least 2x a week.

School I need to get more dedicated as well and do a little bit at least 3 days a week. I CAN do this.

I downloaded the fertility friend app. That's right! And oh my goodness do I love it! So much better than the last time I tried using it on my phone. Now to buy a new BBT before the start of my next period.

I want to have another baby when God decides to bless us. So that means tracking to see what my cycle is doing. Then possibly test progesterone to see how well ovulating. Lose weight because I have a feeling I need to be under 169 lbs this time to get a sticky bean. Not sure why but that's the number be it from God? Or just me trying to give myself a goal sometimes I wonder...but thinking God. Add exercise regularly so next pregnancy goes smoothly as well. Basically prepping my body so it can welcome a little one!

I can do this! :-)

And now I can sleep since I have everything off my chest!

Glum.

Feeling kind of glum today. I may have actually teared up thinking about our last miscarriages.  And that isn't something I have done lately. Maybe it has been a coping mechanism.

It's easy to be glum when you feel bitterness trying to get a foothold in your heart and you are trying to tell yourself there isn't anything to be bitter about.

Then that whisper. Why? Why God? Why God do you allow babies to pass away? Pregnancies to be conceived and babies not to be born. I don't get it. And I never will.

Why do you think I am strong enough for this life? Am I cursed? What have I done to deserve this strife? What kind of legacy am I leaving for my children with infertility and loss nipping at my heals every turn I make?

Just feeling heartbroken and distant.

Ugh. Glum. Sad. Is there a single word to describe my emotions lately? Maybe it's disheartened.

Sorry I am not upbeat today.

Dream For Me

Casting Crowns - Dream for You (Official Lyric Vi…: http://youtu.be/R8nsJZx8eWw

I love this song! It definitely stays in my rotation of go to songs.

God this is my prayer tonight. That you will continue to dream for me. Even when the future seems too bleak to continue dreaming and wishing. I pray that there will continue to be a spark in my heart that reminds me of how you can start a fire in my heart to follow through with what needs to be done to have these dreams come to pass.

Friends, it is getting harder and harder to see pregnancy announcements and birth announcements and gender reveals. I swear if you are having fertility issues just become my friend and you will become a fertile myrtle and you won't need to worry about miscarriages because I have had enough for 10 women. Because believe me going though one is enough. And 10 seems unimaginable. Please note the sarcastic tone mixed with a touch of reality.

But here I sit. Or lay rather. In bed. With this reality. Life isn't at all what I dreamed but clearly God has another plan. We find strength in our brokenness. And hope when all seems hopeless.

I am struggling more than I even let on to myself at times I think even if that doesn't make sense to the lay person...This stupid Psych clinical really has me doing much self reflection.

Finances are still a rough time due to having to pay out of pocket for school this semester.

Weight isn't moving due to me being an Emotional eater. Feeling blue? Have a hot fudge sundae or maybe a package of cookies with a huge glass of milk. Okay a little sarcasm on that last part. But it is bad....I assure you.

And then there is the fact that somehow breastfeeding uncovered seems to have altered who is my friend or comfortable to be around me. I have suppressed writing or talking about this because for fear of putting my best friend in the middle and thus possibly losing her as well due to making her uncomfortable with this ridiculous situation. And I repeat ridiculous. Because if you can wear a bikini on the beach around other people's spouses or men in general then me breastfeeding discreetly uncovered shouldn't be an issue.

See my struggle lately?

Then I tell myself clearly God hasn't planned for them to remain in my circle of friends if something this silly can cause this big of a concern. You get the picture.

So my hope is that God will continue to lead the path in our lives.  Be it with weight loss, diet and exercise or our circle of friends. That he will prepare my body for another healthy pregnancy and at the same time help us get a better handle on our finances. That God will dream for me so I can better see the plans he has for me in this life.

*sigh*  things will get better. Because they say though sorrow may last for the night;  joy comes in the morning.