Reminiscing

Looking at pictures from my pregnancy with Matthew and when he was an itty bitty newborn. My heart aches looking at them.

Both with awe and wonder.  But also questioning and sadness.  Awe and wonder about the growth and development of a little one inside of me and my belly as he grew. But also awe and wonder at the immense love I felt for him before I even got to meet him.

Then creeps in the questioning. The sadness. Will I ever get the experience that again? Will I ever get to bring another tiny tike into this world? How many more losses of life will I have to endure before that day, if it ever come?

I really need to get back on my game of being focused on weight loss and being healthy. With working and school it is hard to put in the energy and extra effort. Because most days I find myself mindlessly eating something terrible for me because it is quick and on the go. OR I am supper stressed and craving something sweet....or some greasy depression food.

And then because I am looking at this and how I have "failed" by losing my pre pregnancy weight and not being able to get under it (or pregnant successfully) I notice myself starting to really pick at myself for how terrible of a housewife I am. My house is a disaster and I cannot even balance our budget to get everything to work even with as many hours as I have been working.

Basically the fact that my body feels broken due to my inability to continue on my weight loss journey without bumps and detours in the road...it gives the devil a foot hold to tear me down in other areas of my life.

Because the facts are...I am busy. 12 days in 2 weeks I am doing work or school. That leaves 2 days off that are often filled with trying to catch the house cleaning up and get homework done. I do my best with the life I am living. I somehow manage to be a good mom, a semi-attentive wife, while being a student and a working new nurse. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a big S under my clothing with a cape attached because I seriously do not know how I am able to keep going some days.

And then I make a slightly overwhelming to do list for the day and tell myself I can do this.

Much like my reminiscing from looking at photos. If fat really is part of my infertility I guess I need to stop eating donuts or candy bars and bring on the smoothies oatmeal and fruits and veggies. I can do this. It might be a little bumpy to get into again but I can and WILL do this because whether or not I am able to have another little one....it will be worth it for me. I am worth the extra energy and motivation.