Just An Update

Seriously Facebook is a blooming with babies. Every time I get on there is a new ultrasound or announcement. Definitely making me squeeze Matthew a little bit tighter.

Due to the fact that today is CD6 and I am still spotting....and that I saw clots bigger than any of my other miscarriages I am thinking the prednisone did help some. Although not enough to hold onto our little one.

I am getting back to the place where I am thinking about how I need to be in more serious prayer about our next baby. I have been at peace and thinking God's will will be done and trying not to get overly attached or emotionally connected with each pregnancy that it brings me to that awful place of bitterness and sadness and instead I have been living nonchalantly as we lost our 10th baby to heaven.

So here begins my audacious prayer life once more for God to be preparing my womb and eggs to be ready to accept another life. You would think after losing 10 pregnancies I would be ready to give up. But instead it makes me relish the fact of what a true miracle and blessing we have in Matthew that God chose him to be the one we got to meet. The one that will walk this world and share the light of Jesus in the darkness. God you called us to this life for some reason unbeknownst to me, but I just want to say thank you for all that you have done or will do in the future. Please continue to place your hands in our lives as we continue to try to focus on losing weight and getting our finances in order before we actively try for another blessing from you. We would love it if you could save us from more heartache and sadness but if you cannot then continue to pour out your love and blessings on us so that we may not doubt or question the goodness of you Lord. That's really the cry of my heart. I do not want to become bitter and angry towards you and all of the pregnant women or young babies in this world again. That truly was a horrid place to be.

Good Stuff

I am thankful for the Bible to fill me with hope and remind me that God is for me, not against me. I really don't know how we went through this many losses before Matthew and now after. We are at the exact same point time wise and with the same number of losses that we were when we finally got pregnant with him.

Psalm 34:1-22 MSG

I bless God every chance I get;
my lungs expand with his praise.
I live and breathe God ;
If things aren’t going well, hear this and be happy: Join me in spreading the news; together let’s get the word out.
God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears.
Look at him; give him your warmest smile.
Never hide your feelings from him.
When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot.
God ’s angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray.
Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see— how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.
Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all his goodness.
Young lions on the prowl get hungry, but God -seekers are full of God.
Come, children, listen closely; I’ll give you a lesson in God worship.
Who out there has a lust for life? Can’t wait each day to come upon beauty? Guard your tongue from profanity, and no more lying through your teeth.
Turn your back on sin;
do something good.
Embrace peace—don’t let it get away! God keeps an eye on his friends, his ears pick up every moan and groan.
God won’t put up with rebels; he’ll cull them from the pack.
Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time.
He’s your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.
The wicked commit slow suicide;
they waste their lives hating the good. God pays for each slave’s freedom; no one who runs to him loses out.

Loss #10

Well ladies I am officially in the double digits. Ten losses. Kind of like the son 10 little indians...except 10 little babies all in Jesus' lap instead of in my arms. What a joyous meeting we will have once I make it to heaven. My heart will probably burst from my chest with joy and peace in finally meeting the little souls that my body created but could not hold onto.

The cramps yesterday morning were atrocious. Labor type cramps. Reminding me very much so of my cytotec miscarriage. Not sure why they were so terrible. I was in church when I noticed that they were like every 5-7 minutes and horrid. Once I got home I actually sat on the toilet during these intervals and helped my body to push junk out. I cannot tell you how many little blood clots I saw. Disgusting. And sad.

Today it isn't quite as bad but still is overwhelming to think about the fact that we have 10 little babies in heaven that we are aware of. Makes me think about October again and how I have to talk to a friend to see if they will take pictures for us to do a balloon release. And finally getting our tattoos for our losses.

October is quite a ways away though. I cannot help but wonder how many more losses we will have before then. Will July be a loss? August? September? October? Will I really find out I am pregnant with another healthy baby this holiday season? Do I really need to get down into the 160s before then like my gut initially told me in order to have another healthy pregnancy? If so I need to kick it into gear. I have lost 25 lbs since February. I now weigh around 189 instead of 214. If I need to get into the 160s that is another 20 lbs away.

I still haven't added exercise. I need to and want to but have little energy with work and school. Exercise tends to be cleaning my house. Because let me be honest with you, it is consistently a disaster.

Oiy. Overwhelmed by life sometimes. But it continues to go on. And I am so blessed to have a little boy playing with a bucket on his head and drumming on a toy with a play drumstick. He fills my heart and helps bitterness to not have a place to cling to because replaces it with hope, joy, and thankfulness.

Life will get better. It always does.

Fairly Certain

99.9% positive this is another loss. BFN this morning so expecting lovely AF to start. Pregnancy #11 now? 5 losses before, Matthew, and now it will be 5 losses after.

My body is pretty darn awesome *sigh*

Oh well guess the October tattoos are looking more and more promising. We need to get out finances back under control anyways. But why it seems it is easier to get pregnant when not actively ttc is beyond me. We had sex 1x in the fertility window this month.

Edit: there is still a fpl...After letting it sit for 10 minutes but it is still lighter

Well...An Update

A lot has happened in the past couple of days much I do not care to go into at the moment. But let me just say it was enough to take the air out of me and make me almost throw up.

I said I was going to update on the hpt I took. Well let's just say the fertile infertile strikes again. Fpl. And by the fact that it isn't getting darker and the cramps that I am starting to get off an on....prognosis isn't the greatest.

I will be more optimistic if I am still pregnant this time next week.

Things that do make me hopeful though: feeling a fullness in abdominal area. Though it could be from my constipation. Or constipation could be another sign of good things. More sensitive nips. Fatigue.

So that's about it for now. Today i bought more tests and caved and peed with a less than 2 hour hold. It was more light than these pics. Will test again in the morning.

Oh and I still haven't told James because on the off chance this is a viable pregnancy I want to surprise him in in a unique way.

I caved

After saying I wasn't going to waste money on a hpt I went to the dollar store and saw they had a new brand of test. So of course I got one. And will be peeing on it later tonight. Results to follow....With full expectations of seeing a bfn.

Oh well it is what it is. :-) No sign of AF yet but having occasional nausea and cramps. Which means the nausea is probably in my head and AF will be here tomorrow lol

It's Been a Little Bit.

Oh life. Definitely has it's ups and downs, doesn't it? Well first off I had my first exam yesterday and I barely passed. Like this girl might need to actually study.

Financial aid......I have to pay out of pocket for this summer semester. 1650 - 450 (small grant) = 1200 ÷ 2 months = 600 for 2 months. This girl has to try to figure out how to work as close as full time as possible. When I am in class 2 days a week already. Oiy vey.

Health....my OB made me do the last blood draw for my hcg from my last miscarriage. It was <0.5! DEFINITELY cannot get any more not pregnant than that. I saw on the scale 189.2! And then I started prednisone for my allergy flair up. I am up to 192.2 and feeling constipated for whatever reason so I am sure I am still right around that 189. Which makes me weigh less than pre-pregnancy weight. Which also makes me no longer obese. And I haven't even added exercise yet.

TTC.....we are still NTNP but I have been hopeful that maybe the prednisone would make a huge difference for me once more. I am fairly certain I was on it the cycle before we conceived Matthew. I have one more day before my period is officially late for my longest cycle lately (34 days). I am sure AF is right around the corner so I am not holding my breath and I haven't wasted money on a hpt. I am still thinking this winter is our time. Hope I won't be disappointed.

Family....I think my sister is FINALLY going to get married. Her bf hasn't proposed yet but they are looking at May 2015. I am hoping I have the privilege of being a DD due to being pregnant ;-)

Anyways I am sure there is more. But I am running into work here in a minute and will have to catch up more later.

Hope life finds you all well!

Tiny Cries

I heard I tiny cry. I had just taken out the trash, read a chapter in a book (for fun!), and got prompted by God to write a little letter to someone...I was half way done with my note when Matthews tiny little cries come from our room.

I enter into the room after finishing my letter to see this....melted my heart. He loves his daddy.

Finances

Life definitely never lets up. I got the pay raise for my LPN got SUPER excited for my raise. It was a huge change from what I was making! I was so excited to see that first paycheck that was with me working 7 days and more than I had gotten when I worked full time as a CNA.

Then my mom's hours changed so I did indeed start paying for day care to whoever watches Matthew. 20-30 a day so I know I shouldn't complain. But I had hoped it would be mom to help her out and she so enjoys watching him and he loves her! Anyways I was okay with paying. But I was also thinking about how we were going to be able to pay stuff off so quickly and hopefully get James a truck before this winter. I was excited to start planning our Disney trip and thinking a weekend to Chicago or Washington DC could be in the plans for this fall. And a trip to a indoor water park for 4th of July.

And then the financial aid letter came about being at max credits and needing to turn in an appeal. So I did that and still haven't heard back but as of now I have to plan to pay out of pocket. Let me tell you this summer class is 1600+ and my fall class is almost 2000. So the wonderful plan they set up is 800 in both July and August for Summer class. And then also starting in August, continuing until November 500 a month for my Fall calls. And same for my Spring Semester.....except that starts in December.

Insert sad and overwhelmed face here. I might be done with school for a little bit to be able to save for a full semester and try to jump in Spring 14 full time to graduate on time. The downfall is 4 days a week I would have school, limiting work and family time. And have to meet all new classmates again. Shoot me in the foot. Please? It would make more sense to take fall off to work full time and save like a mad woman. It would be 4000 for the whole semester with both classes if I was full time.

See my dilemma. People are telling me "Just get a personal loan." I am still holding onto a little hope that God will pull through and they will approve my appeal today. I am then going to drop my history class and take Zumba for the last credit I need to have 6 in order to qualify for financial aid.

Shoot me in the foot, please.

I am exhausted and going to head back to sleep so when Matthew wakes up with me I can go into cleaning mode like crazy because our house desperately needs it.

*Sigh*

I am not sure what sort of sigh that truly is.

Relief? Sadness? Overwhelmed?

Here I sit at 1215 after a long-ish evening/night at work, pumping for the first time since I fed Matthew last, which was around 930 this morning. I am relishing in the fact that when I got home both of my boys are asleep and it has allowed me some Me time. I took out the trash, took laundry off the line, pooped without interruption, and here I sit listening to old school Casting Crowns while pumping. Which after that many long hours without pumping (my pure laziness) it is a form of relief from my engorged ta-tas.

Sadness. Been thinking about my pregnancy with Matthew and the losses we have had since him. Of how much thankfulness I feel over getting to experience everything that came along with him. That I was the most fit I had been in a long time and got to avoid many discomforts. That I documented excessively so in these moments when I am feeling sad I can look back and remember with a mix of sadness and thankfulness in my heart.

Overwhelmed. LIFE. Oiy vey! Friends, I am overwhelmed. School. Work. Orientation (am I really truly a nurse?) is almost over and I am feeling frantic inside. My house is a mess. Trying to hold onto a budget is getting hard-er again. I am on the go non-stop it seems. I try not to complain but with summer being here and wanting to enjoy it, with Matthew getting older I just want to relish in the moments before they pass me by. I haven't even looked at any homework yet for my Psych rotation. This is going to be another, God you are in control please pull me through this class.

Two years ago at this time I was frantic thinking about my best friend's wedding coming up. Bridal showers and such while in school. And now I am starting to think holy crap, I have to figure out when we are going to do a baby shower! And when I am going to help James have the boys set up to have a diaper party (this is going to happen because I wish someone would have thrown one for the guys for James). Then my brain goes to how baby showers are awesome but also hard for me, others might not get it but they cut me a little deep some days. Especially since I feel as if I haven't done my part to remember and celebrate the lives that I carried that are now in Heaven sitting on Jesus' lap. Which then brings me to the fact that I need to set up a date and plan to do a balloon release with pictures? and get quotes for our memorial tats. Which then reminds me of the fact that I am not even one cycle out from our last loss and I am trying to convince myself that I do not want to add another baby to the craziness that is my life at the moment. Which also brings me to the thoughts that I truly need to just ask my OB about trying prednisone for a couple of cycles to try to get pregnant with another take home baby. Because I am quite certain that is why we got to keep Matthew. I need to bite the bullet and ask for blood work to check NK cells and other autoimmune loveliness. Because let me tell you my leukocytes while I was pregnant this last time were the high end of normal and my overall WBC was completely normal. NK cells are within the leukocytes. So pretty sure I should have taken that as an indication that the pregnancy wasn't going to take. I hope that my doctor can see eye to eye with me on this one.

Eye. Roll.

And then there is the fact that I am on orientation at work and feeling so stupid as a new nurse. What the H did I sign myself up for? Why did I put all this time, energy, and money into this? I feel dumb dumb dumb. I heart many people experience this. BUT let me tell you, I wasn't really anticipating it to happen to me. I was wrong. Overwhelmed and I sincerely hope that the nurses that are working when I am newly on the floor all by my lonesome are willing and nice about helping me and answering questions. Or giving me a hug as a cry. I hope my CNAs are helpful and understanding. And I most importantly am hoping and praying that work will allow me another 2 weeks after this week of training on a combination of all 3 shifts. I don't plan on working 3rd very often, maybe one or two weekend days a month. SO I really want more training on 1st where they do the most between all the med passes, doctors calls, orders being put into the computer, and assessments within the mix.

Have  I mentioned I am overwhelmed?

I also know I haven't mentioned the fact that I fell last week Wednesday. In our driveway. And got NINE stitches. Yup, 9, on my knee. Words of wisdom: when it is raining do not wear crocs, especially your husband's, outside to quickly try to start your cars before leaving for work. They pulled gravel out of it, seriously too many pebbles to count of all sizes (mostly little ones, but definitely larger ones...I think this is why I didn't gush blood). I got put on antibiotics preemptively. It didn't work (They also gave me Tylenol 3...couldn't take it because it gave Matthew insomnia). I got IV antibiotics for cellulitis last Saturday. And then put on Clindamycin. The doctor told me to pump and dump for a week. I mentally said F-U. And then did my own research and asked my sister-in-law who is a pharmacist if my plan was okay. So yes, I gave my son antibiotic ridden milk. I gave him yogurt 2x a day and a probiotic when he would chew up the gummy. He is just now starting to have runny-er stool (which is the concern) and I have one day left for my meds. He also is teething and gets diarrhea with that so, truly, I am not worried about it.. I did my part, and God will do his.

Which is where I will close. After pumping almost 10 ounces. I will say this, and focus on it. I am God's child. And if He brings me to it, He will bring me through it. As much as I love my son and would do anything for Him. God's love for me is that much more un-measurable and incomprehensible to me. Reminding myself this each day lately it seems. Along with "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And "What is impossible with man, is possible with God." Thank goodness for God's word that allows me to treasure in my heart truths to cling to in this life.