*Sigh*

I am not sure what sort of sigh that truly is.

Relief? Sadness? Overwhelmed?

Here I sit at 1215 after a long-ish evening/night at work, pumping for the first time since I fed Matthew last, which was around 930 this morning. I am relishing in the fact that when I got home both of my boys are asleep and it has allowed me some Me time. I took out the trash, took laundry off the line, pooped without interruption, and here I sit listening to old school Casting Crowns while pumping. Which after that many long hours without pumping (my pure laziness) it is a form of relief from my engorged ta-tas.

Sadness. Been thinking about my pregnancy with Matthew and the losses we have had since him. Of how much thankfulness I feel over getting to experience everything that came along with him. That I was the most fit I had been in a long time and got to avoid many discomforts. That I documented excessively so in these moments when I am feeling sad I can look back and remember with a mix of sadness and thankfulness in my heart.

Overwhelmed. LIFE. Oiy vey! Friends, I am overwhelmed. School. Work. Orientation (am I really truly a nurse?) is almost over and I am feeling frantic inside. My house is a mess. Trying to hold onto a budget is getting hard-er again. I am on the go non-stop it seems. I try not to complain but with summer being here and wanting to enjoy it, with Matthew getting older I just want to relish in the moments before they pass me by. I haven't even looked at any homework yet for my Psych rotation. This is going to be another, God you are in control please pull me through this class.

Two years ago at this time I was frantic thinking about my best friend's wedding coming up. Bridal showers and such while in school. And now I am starting to think holy crap, I have to figure out when we are going to do a baby shower! And when I am going to help James have the boys set up to have a diaper party (this is going to happen because I wish someone would have thrown one for the guys for James). Then my brain goes to how baby showers are awesome but also hard for me, others might not get it but they cut me a little deep some days. Especially since I feel as if I haven't done my part to remember and celebrate the lives that I carried that are now in Heaven sitting on Jesus' lap. Which then brings me to the fact that I need to set up a date and plan to do a balloon release with pictures? and get quotes for our memorial tats. Which then reminds me of the fact that I am not even one cycle out from our last loss and I am trying to convince myself that I do not want to add another baby to the craziness that is my life at the moment. Which also brings me to the thoughts that I truly need to just ask my OB about trying prednisone for a couple of cycles to try to get pregnant with another take home baby. Because I am quite certain that is why we got to keep Matthew. I need to bite the bullet and ask for blood work to check NK cells and other autoimmune loveliness. Because let me tell you my leukocytes while I was pregnant this last time were the high end of normal and my overall WBC was completely normal. NK cells are within the leukocytes. So pretty sure I should have taken that as an indication that the pregnancy wasn't going to take. I hope that my doctor can see eye to eye with me on this one.

Eye. Roll.

And then there is the fact that I am on orientation at work and feeling so stupid as a new nurse. What the H did I sign myself up for? Why did I put all this time, energy, and money into this? I feel dumb dumb dumb. I heart many people experience this. BUT let me tell you, I wasn't really anticipating it to happen to me. I was wrong. Overwhelmed and I sincerely hope that the nurses that are working when I am newly on the floor all by my lonesome are willing and nice about helping me and answering questions. Or giving me a hug as a cry. I hope my CNAs are helpful and understanding. And I most importantly am hoping and praying that work will allow me another 2 weeks after this week of training on a combination of all 3 shifts. I don't plan on working 3rd very often, maybe one or two weekend days a month. SO I really want more training on 1st where they do the most between all the med passes, doctors calls, orders being put into the computer, and assessments within the mix.

Have  I mentioned I am overwhelmed?

I also know I haven't mentioned the fact that I fell last week Wednesday. In our driveway. And got NINE stitches. Yup, 9, on my knee. Words of wisdom: when it is raining do not wear crocs, especially your husband's, outside to quickly try to start your cars before leaving for work. They pulled gravel out of it, seriously too many pebbles to count of all sizes (mostly little ones, but definitely larger ones...I think this is why I didn't gush blood). I got put on antibiotics preemptively. It didn't work (They also gave me Tylenol 3...couldn't take it because it gave Matthew insomnia). I got IV antibiotics for cellulitis last Saturday. And then put on Clindamycin. The doctor told me to pump and dump for a week. I mentally said F-U. And then did my own research and asked my sister-in-law who is a pharmacist if my plan was okay. So yes, I gave my son antibiotic ridden milk. I gave him yogurt 2x a day and a probiotic when he would chew up the gummy. He is just now starting to have runny-er stool (which is the concern) and I have one day left for my meds. He also is teething and gets diarrhea with that so, truly, I am not worried about it.. I did my part, and God will do his.

Which is where I will close. After pumping almost 10 ounces. I will say this, and focus on it. I am God's child. And if He brings me to it, He will bring me through it. As much as I love my son and would do anything for Him. God's love for me is that much more un-measurable and incomprehensible to me. Reminding myself this each day lately it seems. Along with "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And "What is impossible with man, is possible with God." Thank goodness for God's word that allows me to treasure in my heart truths to cling to in this life.