Blog Changes & Thankful for YOU!

Do you like the new design? I did steal the background and downloaded a header and personalized it. But I LOVE it! I am hoping to be adding some more slowly but surely, as well as starting a family blog for my friends and family that I do not want to share all of this crazy personal TTC info with.

This blog will remain my favorite, because I cannot imagine life without all of you. You give me hope, remind me of times past, help me heal, and allow me to fully grieve everything infertility and loss related. You are true friends that I wish I could meet face to face and allow my shoulder for you to cry on.

A lot of the times you are more understanding and loving than those in my "real" life (you know what I mean, right?). I am SO incredibly BLESSED and THANKFUL to have you in my life.

We have a couple of friends that know our journey, they have a son together, and once worried about not being able to get pregnant. They should be able to empathize and such. But they don't. We have tried to get together with them but it never works out, and it is ALWAYS us calling them. I am ready to give up on the friendship. I cried, and cried, when I finally came to this point. Because honestly, we kind of think the reason they are avoiding us is because she may be pregnant again. And that my friends, is not a friend at all, a friend would sensitively break it to you. She would know my heart, and know that we will be happy for them, but sad for us (and jealous as all get out to be honest...).

We have another couple of friends that have been amazing to have. She personally has been through infertility and loss. She cries with me. And dreams with me. And gives me hope. When she is pregnant again, she will be one I will be able to cry with on her shoulder if need be. She will handle our friendship with care. And her husband is SO good for James. He is a strong believer in God, and helps James to verbalize and think about how the emotions of men and women are different many times when it comes to ttc and infertility.

Then their are single friends that like to ignore the elephant in the room, their are single friends that like to occasionally ask how things are going, a couple that asks how things are going once in a blue moon...but asks GOOD questions so she can know how to talk about things and be educated with her clients, and there are friends and family that listen to me more than they want to, but do so without making me feel even more small and broken.

We are blessed by them and by you! I am in the tww, about 5dpo give or take. I have had some sharp cramping off and on my lower right abdomen...which amazingly is right where my uterus is located. I now know when I feel ovulation from left, or when I feel cramping at this point on that side to just relax and know this month isn't it. But this month? I am hopeful, but know that it is ENTIRELY up to God. It doesn't matter when we have sex, or how many times, or what lube we use. If God wants us to get pregnant, it will happen.

I got to this point by it dawning on me...we got pregnant 2 months in a row in 2010. With one fallopian tube. Take that statistics! I have a BIG God that can make me ovulate 2 months in a row from the same side, and allow ONE incident of sex without a condom produce a little bean. I am leaning on God. He may lead me towards IUI, but as of right now...I am depending on my ultimate physician to guide the sperm and allow the conception to happen in a safe place of my uterus.

James and I did talk about adopting embryos. And I really feel this is something God would bless in the future, not at this point in time...but the future. And I have educated so many friends this past week about it. I really wouldn't be surprised if in the future they will adopt one this way if unable to conceive a child naturally.

Anyways, you know what I am going to say...Homework is calling! And so is sleep! May the best one win ;-)

Edit: OH MY GOODNESS. I told myself I would stop getting excited about looking at expected due dates on CTP, but guess what my due date would be approximately if we got pregnant this cycle? My BIRTHDAY. 11/16/2012 Would that not be amazing. To have a baby due 2 years after my first pregnancy and loss. On my 25th birthday. Ok, done dreaming. God knows if it will happen or not. ♥

False Hope Once Again?

Despite my crazy brain telling me this is it! Despite my co-worker telling me she thought I was pregnant. Despite my three various pregnancy dreams (which were crazy let me tell you)...I even took progesterone in mean of this false hope. Where did it get me?

Constipation. Sore tatas. Excessive Fatigue. And spotting today. At 12dpo.

I'm not pregnant, I am saying it is over. And onto the next cycle.

Oh and my aunt is pregnant. She is 10 weeks with her second child. Granted she is a younger aunt, but it makes me think....seriously? When is it going to be our turn?

And then today I realized my problem with tithing. Shocker as I know it will be...it comes down to our infertility and loss. We were giving well beyond our 10%, we gave to the building fund, the music fund, tithed ever week, gave to a christian radio station, and sponsored a child in the Dominican Republic. And then we experienced loss.

After loss.

And then more losses.

And subconsciously (and maybe a little consciously...) I started having a bad attitude. If God couldn't protect us from all of the losses, and all of this infertility...why the heck was I continuing to give to him. If he wasn't giving me the desires of my heart, then why the heck would I give my tithe? Others that weren't giving their tithe were getting pregnant. Others that weren't trying were being blessed. And then there was us? And I started thinkin, seriously...where are you God in all of this?

I need to get out of that mentality. I am stuck in it, I won't lie. I am being brutally open and honest. I am prideful. Why give to a God that isn't showing himself to us in the area that is hurting us the most? Hence our giving was down substantially in spite of us making more this year.

I have decided that Job 10:22 describes infertility perfectly...

"It is a land as dark as midnight, a land of gloom and confusion, where even the light is as dark as midnight."

But I think Romans 12:12 gives us good advice...

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

It amazes me that throughout this infertility experience we keep the hope alive deep inside, yearning for it to come true. But are we patient always. Definitely not (for me anyways). And I know I have been horrid at praying lately.

So I promise, I will soon be back to where I was in the past. Loving God and praying to him all the time with all circumstances. I vow to getting back to tithing. And getting back to being a more positive blogger once more.

I am busy, but I cannot be too busy for God, hope, and prayer.

♥ Jess

January 2012

In January of 2012 I will be sitting, butt in seat, in a nursing class.

I will be going to a free seminar with fertility specialist The Fertility Center the good thing about this place is there main campus is in GR, which is about an hour from my house, but there is also a doctor in the same building as my OB/GYN. As long as school doesn't interfere with the date (January 19th) I will have my butt in a seat there.

In January of 2012 I will have my bridesmaid dress ordered. And I hope to have started exercising at a gym.

I have so many hopes for the new year. 2011 has brought many struggles, many hopes, and so much into our lives but I just have a feeling 2012 will be crazier and filled with more hope, struggles, and joy.

My plan for this month is to relax, to enjoy my last month not in school, and to work on my diet and exercise in spite of the holiday season. I want to enjoy Christmas and take a small time to mourn Sam's loss before I move onto craziness of the new year without using OPKs or counting how many DPO I am.

So THERE, world you can't bring me down! I am being strong in the Lord and knowing that God is in my corner and nothing can prevent whatever plan it is He has for me!

Ephesians 6:10 "Finally be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might."

Oh and I forgot to mention, so far so good. I am in the nursing program! :-D

Glimmer of Hope.

Before I give you the glimmer of hope I have had, I have to give you background history.

My Aunt Kathy lost her baby girl at 21 days old when I was in 5th grade. She had a son at the time, and eventually went on to have another baby girl. Due to this loss, an alcoholic husband, and not knowing God my Aunt subconsciously (or consciously I am not sure) stopped disciplining her children. Now her son Mike is 17, and has been to juvie twice, is up for more accounts of stealing, has been on a tether, and in the past lived with my mom for almost a year. Her daughter Samantha Jo didn't go on to be remembered in their family. Uncle Nick turned to alcohol to drink away his pain. She couldn't be discussed. It makes me terribly sad. Ashley is now 10 (or turning ten next month!) and is behind in almost every class. My heart hurts for them. If I had been older I would have fought to have them myself. To be not only their cousin but their guardian. If if if....I wish that I could do more to help them. I think about them and my heart cries out, tears sometimes flow, and I get angry at my Aunt for not treasuring the miracles in front of her.

My cousin Mike pretends to have this hard front, but I think he acts out to get attention. Any attention is better than being forgotten. When he lived with my Mom she asked him if he wanted to stay with her, he said no after a huge hesitating quiet moment. He said no so he wouldn't hurt his Mom. And instead he has hurt his own future. He is a good boy, but I am afraid he will always be a boy in a man's body due to lack of parenting.

Skip back to about a month ago, to an episode of Adoption Story (yes the show is still on Discover Fit and Health). Two back to back episodes of open adoptions. And I said a little prayer in my heart that I would take a baby however God decided to grant me with one. Be it natural, international adoption, domestic adoption, or foster care....or one of each. It has been on the back of my mind, along with the questioning of will I ever get to experience pregnancy? when will I get to see another BFP?


Skip back to two days ago. I got a text from my sister Stacey. She said Mike got a girl knocked up. My gut turned. And questions flew out..."How old is the girl?" "WHAT? How is is that HE can get a girl pregnant, but I can't get pregnant?!" "What does the girl plan on doing with the baby?" She jokingly called me a baby stealer. Just joshing, but I can see how crazy women choose to steal babies! They are just insane for following that crazy idea! (I promise I am not one of those crazy women!)

Today I was talking to my mom on the phone to get more information on what is going on with this "situation". All the while hoping she wasn't going to tell me that the girl was going to opt for an abortion. The girl is 14 or 15. Her mother do not want her to keep the baby. The girl herself smokes pot. I am trying not to judge her, but the questions again fill my thoughts..."How can SHE get pregnant?!" "Seriously?!?" Mom filled me in on possibility, but unlikely charges of statutory rape (the mom lets the daughter smoke pot...I don't think age of sex partner really matters...especially if she let them date).

Then Mom says this to me. "Ashley said to me, 'Aunt Sue I am going to be an aunt!' So I asked her, what Michael thought about the girl being pregnant. Then Ashley said, 'He says it is okay because they are just going to give the baby to Jessica!"

I fought back tears, and hope. And the mixture of both. The questioning started again, "God is this why we haven't gotten pregnant? Is this why I saw those episodes of open adoptions? What if this really comes to pass? What if I am getting excited for nothing?" I still haven't told James, but I will today. I was praying yesterday for good news on thanksgiving. What if this is our good news?

On the flip side, Mike is all for me...but what if she isn't? I need to look up adoption information for domestic adoption. I don't even know how far along she is. God protect her pregnancy. And give me peace about this if it is where our first baby is going to come from.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am holding back tears! Last year I was experiencing the worst of my miscarriage this day, this year I am filled with hope. No promises, only hope.

♥ Jess

Okay, I'm Listening

"God is not the author of confusion but of peace." 1 Corinthians 14:33

God is definitely trying to reach out to me. He doesn't want me to be confused. The past week one scripture has filled my daily devotion, scripture verse in my email, Sunday sermon, and Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. These verses:

Ephesians 6:10-12

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, 

so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, 

against the powers of this dark work, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

This is one verse leads into the Armor of God. A verse in the past I never could manage to memorize, but surely one I will be working on to memorize. I remember recently I had this thought about I am not strong enough to endure this any longer. But I heard God whisper to me, a voice that said, "No but I am strong enough for you." And He is. I need to keep my full armor of God in place so I can stand strong, with God's help to face the evils in this world. Maybe I sound crazy, but I know it was God.

I have been a basket case this week. I have been confused on what I am content with doing, but God's scripture says he is not the author of confusion, but of peace. So I am praying for peace in this journey. This month and the next few months are going to be so hard. My heart is breaking more and more each day. The closer I get to my year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant, of my first ever doctor appointment at an OB, the day my heart broke into thousands of millions of pieces. The day I got the news I was miscarrying. That day is getting closer. 

But, I am working on getting closer to God in the midst of all of this.

I am a big fan of the book I am reading. Here are some highlights of my favorite quotes from the past few days of reading (I have the book that is three in one - Power of a Praying Wife, Power of a Praying Parent, and Power of a Praying Woman).

"If you aren't experiencing any breakthrough in your life, check to see if you have truly surrendered yourself to the Lord. Have you given Jesus that place of Lordship? Have you let go of everything?" (page 81)

"Lord, I need to have your Word come alive to me again. Make that happen, Father. Clear my mind and soul. teach me new things. Help me to go deeper into Your Word than ever before." (page 87)

And then this last chapter. Background history? I was sitting down to watch TV when I heard another whisper that said, "Am I less important than the television?" Talk about cutting me to the core. So instead of watching TV I sat down to read a chapter out of my book. The title of the chapter? "Lord Instruct Me as I Put My Life in Right Order" Think so? I think God was clear as crystal this morning to me. I teared up just seeing the title.

"Your relationship with the Lord must always have top priority over everything else. The Lord said, "You shall have no other gods before Me" (Exodus 20:31), and He means it. God wants your undivided attention. When you seek Him first every day and ask Him to help you put your life in order, He will do that.....when we don't seek God first, our lives get out of control." (Page 97)

"God is a God of order. We can tell that by looking at the universe. None of it is random or accidental. He doesn't want our lives to be either." (Page 97)

"Submission is something you decide to do, not something someone forces you to do." (Page 97)

Infertility and loss has definitely impacted my relationship with the Lord. TTC and our hopeful future has often times became a more frequent priority than God. I know that this all has been for a purpose, often questioning why it is happening. It isn't by accident, God didn't at random choose me to experience infertility. And in the midst of it all, I need to decide to submit to God's will for my life. He isn't going to force me, He wants me to choose. Even if it meant that I would have to experience loss after loss, year after year of infertility. I am not saying submitting to God's will will magically change my future with infertility. But it will make it easier if I am leaning on God will all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

For those that might not know, James and I have been struggling with the decision of where our church home is supposed to be. I still haven't found peace, but this chapter talked about this as well. Accident? I think not.

"The Bible says we should submit to authority figures designated by God in our church, in our family, in our work, and in our government. To be in right order and have our lives work well, we need to be planted in a church home. It gives us a base of operation. We can't get as far as God wants us to go without it. Each church has a unique distinction and purpose, and you will not be happy until you find the one God has for you. This doesn't mean you have to go to a different church every week until you find one that is perfect and makes you 100 percent happy. They don't exist. Churches are, after all, made up of imperfect people like us. What it does mean is that you need to ask God to show you where your church family is." (Page 100)

"I know that if my life is not in proper order I will not receive the blessings you have for me." (Page 102)

I am going to work on the priorities, placing God at the top so I can fully receive His blessings. In the meantime, I am going to work on leaning more on word. These are a few:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, 

piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, 

and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

He who heeds the word wisely will find good, 

and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.

Proverbs 16:20

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,

and all of these things shall be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

God's Message to Me. (This is a LONG one)

Last week I picked up The Power of a Praying Woman and started reading where I left off. The title of the chapter was "Lord, Strengthen Me to Stand Against the Enemy". It was a good read. Two of my favorite quotes from it were as follows:


"Just as God has a plan for you, so does Satan. Satan's plan is to steal from you and destroy your life. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy" (John 10:10)."


"I'm a good person, so why is he attacking me? Many people have asked this question, but the question answers itself. The enemy attacks you because you are a good person. The devil will always attack anyone who loves God and lives His way."


It really made me think about things in life lately, how I truly wonder how well I have been standing up to the temptations from Satan. If I have been believing his lies. If I had forgotten about Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."


How many times have I gotten upset with friends and family due to their insensitive comments pertaining to trying to conceive and such. The devil wants me to get upset. To break down bonds between myself and those I love. Am I saying that I will never get upset? That is impractical, what I am trying to do is take away some of the footholds that the devil may have in my life.


THEN Sunday came around, a night or two after I had read the chapter in my book. Sunday's message was based around "The Battle" He focused on seven points, but I was lost too deep in thought about how this lined up with my reading that I missed out on number seven (sorry!)


1. Everyone called by God enters into the battle. (examples: Joseph - slavery, accused of rape, David - adulterer, had to run from Saul, Moses - 40 years in the desert, the grumbling people)
2. Sometimes people see the battles that they face as evidence of a poor Christian walk (example: Job)
3. Some people see the battles in their lives as a negative reflection of God.
4. People sometimes don't/won't see the battles in their lives as having to do with spiritual warfare.
5. Although we share the same enemies, we won't always share the same battles (examples: depression, un-forgiveness, worry & doubt, addictions, infertility *ok I added that last one*)
6. Although we don't fight the same battles, we share the same God and same promises.


Every single point hit home with me. Before I found God I was under trials because Satan didn't want me to find that joy and hope. After I found God I am now under trials not because God doesn't care, but because I care about God. If I were to become less like God and not care about Him, I am sure I would have less trials in my life...but that is NOT an option. I have questioned myself if my walk was a major problem with our infertility (like when we hadn't tithed..., how I haven't been reading my Bible, not praying hard enough...etc). But it does nothing but make me feel guilty and low, instead of pushing me to do those things more. 


I haven't really thought about how our infertility could be a spiritual battle. I just questioned God, WHY have you allowed this to happen, WHY haven't you taken this away from us?


The Pastor then went on to speak on Romans 8:28-39

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one--for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one--for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? As the scriptures say, "for your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep." No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Everything will work out for good according to God's will. Be it adoption, natural pregnancy, or ART. I can allow myself to have a divide placed between me and God, or I can focus on the future in fervent prayer. I am going to start praying for my future children. I do not know how they will come to us, but I do know they will be immensely loved, cared for, and blessed.  Through prayer I am hoping my focus on infertility will lessen as I grow deeper in love with Christ. I will focus on the blessings I have, and those I can bestow upon my children when he chooses to give them to us. 


This battle will never be over. But God will forever have my heart. HE will work things out, even when I think I am trying to work them out for Him. The scripture "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18


I am thankful that God has the future planned out. That everything will work out for good. I can sit here and let worry and doubt cloud my future, or I can pray for clarity in my decisions. I can face the battle with God by my side. Clothed in God's best for me. 

The Armor of God

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on prayer for all the Lord's people. Pray also for me that whenever I speak, words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

♥ Jess 

Changed URL, soon more Changes?

Hi guys, I did change my URL I hope you figured it out....when I did guess what the captcha read? bless

bless

Am I blessed? Will I be blessed?

Am I pregnant and haven't had a positive test yet?

Will I be pregnant next month?

I have cramps. Feeling like AF cramps.I took a nap, a 2 hour nap. I had 6 hours of sleep last night, which is my normal. So I can say that I am fatigued.  Ta-tas still hurt.

I am trying to not think about it, but failing miserably. I am doing laundry. On load 3, and in need of doing 2 more. I need to do dishes. I am watching House while doing all of this. Then I have plans tonight, hanging out with my sister and Jenny.

What else do I need to do? I truly need to work on James's resume. He is planning on applying for a new job. The problem? His old resume is MIA, lost on a flash drive. Might be on MIL's computer still...so after this episode that is my next stop. I hope God blesses us with that job, if it is what is meant to be. It is the job he wanted before he took the position at the feed mill. If he was given the other job, he would have first shift. Now, not having to wait until next July. He would get a pay raise, instead of having to wait until February (and getting a much lower pay raise). He would still have good benefits. He would be away from the grain dust. He would be active instead of sitting in front of a computer, he would be outside, instead of in an office. He would be less miserable with life because he wouldn't be on second shift. But guess what? This brings about more waiting. And possibly guilt because the busy season is coming up at work. Nothing is ever perfect in our eyes, but it always happens to fit into God's plan...even if we never understand it.

Because we could get pregnant. We could have a baby. I would be blessed to be a mommy. James would be blessed to be a Daddy. Money would be tight, but emotionally we would be relaxed because the stress of TTC would be gone. But we could potentially be stressed, if I get into school, if money is really tight, if life is hectic. But isn't life just like that now? without a baby in the mix? I would rather the stress come from finally having a little one and having prayers answered instead of it coming from being in limbo while waiting for prayers to be answered. If James got this other job, the pay raise would help (exponentially). I have faith, things will work out. I just wish my timeline was the same as God's. But it hasn't matched up thus far...so who knows for sure when it will?

Praying for good news soon. For blessings. For answered prayers. For hope to swell up within all of us.
Praying, and hoping. And waiting.
♥ Jess

Cool Video

Isn't our God amazing...? Crazy to think that our babies grow from on sperm and one egg into a little being.

God bless all of us women on this ttc journey!

God Answers Prayers.

Yesterday I was blessed with the ability to stay over and get some overtime. It was nice to see God answer my prayer that quickly! And yesterday I also went to go pick up my Clomid prescription.

I had a coupon for Meier that gave me a $20 coupon off of next purchase. Yet, they said I couldn't use it on my prescription because of our insurance. It was ten dollars. So I asked how much it was without insurance...and guess what? By paying 2.99 more I was able to get $20 in gas for free. WONDERFUL!

Yesterday was CD 3 and day one of Clomid. So far no side effects, but then again I think I would be concerned if there was. On CD 21 I have to take a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. Praying for good number and a healthy baby this cycle.

I have hope again with vacation in our future, some answered prayers in the present, and the knowledge that Through Christ anything is possible.

So today my friends, besides being exhausted from working over I am also feeling content, optimistic, and full of hope once more. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.

Update: Holy Hot flashes Batman! Definitely have first symptom from Clomid. I was sitting, when all of a sudden I felt like I had been running. I even got a little sweaty. I never really sweat unless working out hard core. It was CRAZY!

Being a Follower

I went for a jog instead of dwelling on my heartaches this morning. And pandora chose the song below for me. I listened to the word. I know God is leading me, but doesn't mean I have to like where he is going sometimes. In truth, I think he was showing me he loves me. He loves me. Even when I feel like He loves me Not.

Thank you friends for your prayers. Cassie, Jill, and Jenny....I need it. I also needed to read the latest entry over at Held titled Follow Me. Not to mention this scripture was yesterday's post:

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
whom he has given us.
Romans 5:2-5

Thoughts from the Hopeless

Had a rough day. First of all my very first gray hair was found. And quickly plucked from my head from my friend, with severe disgust on my face when I saw it. THEN I get home and there is water in the basement. THEN I go to bathroom later in day and small little spot of blood came out. then NOTHING, cervix clear, no blood. Just a little spotting.

But basically...I am old, have a house that leaks, and my body hates me and loves to torture me. So I am not holding my breath any longer to see that second pink line. Though, I probably will test again tomorrow and Saturday if AF isn't here.

I guess I should be happy vitex has extended my LP. But, instead I asked my husband if he is ready for hormonal, hot flashy, headachey, me in T minus 4 days. Because I start it CD 3 and go on through CD 7. I have heard if you take Clomid in the PM it makes you sleep through your side affects. Well, here is to hoping that CD 3-7 I work every night so I can take it in the morning when I get home and sleep through the side affects that way.

Should I be so downcast? Maybe not, I know it's not over til the lady in red shows her ugly face. But I need to prepare myself so the fall from cloud 9 down to reality isn't such a hard blow.

On another note, today James and I went and saw his best friend and wife in the hospital. With their new baby. And he is so cute. I did okay when there for the most part. If they looked closely they probably saw a sad face or two. But it was when we left that I dwelled on the fact that James and I haven't had that chance yet. James could tell that is where my thought patterns were, so he simply told me, "Stop thinking about how we don't have a baby." How? How do I stop thinking about it?

When everywhere I go there are babies. Today at the grocery store within one minute I saw two little precious bundles of joy with their mommas. We saw pregnant ladies and babies on the birthing floor. My friends on facebook are pregnant. People in the threads I talk to are getting pregnant (I love them all, but I am still envious and wish it were my turn...). Seriously pregnant women and babies are everywhere. They are not avoidable.

Therefore, how do I quit thinking about it with visual reminders at every corner?

Another thing that is plaguing me? Our budget. Finances. The fact we have had to spend so much already on trying to have a baby that we don't have a savings. The fact that we are going to be missing out (again) on the honeymoon we dreamed of. Finances is something I have to buckle down on.

And here is my confession: things are always rough financially when my heart is in the wrong place. I always feel convicted. Yet this time, my heart is starting to turn cold. I don't want to give tithe any more. How sad is that? I LOVE giving money away. Maybe it is our church situation. Either way, I know that it is wrong. We have given 10% of our gross income for the last 2-3 years. And I have tithed at least something for at least the last 5 years. But lately, I feel as if I am going through the motions or avoiding it at all. Like this week because of phone needing to get replaced, the expensive amount due to verizon, AAA, JBR and Sallie Mae being due this week there simply isn't any money for tithe. And if there isn't money for tithe, the one thing God tells us to test him on....there do I truly have room for God?

Life is a struggle right now my friends. I am struggling. Losing hope. And maybe losing a little bit of faith along the way.

I just realized the last statement. And it makes me so sad. It crushes my heart. I want to run back to God, but I am so angry so instead I walk away. I am a fed up teenager in the aspect of my spirituality at the moment. I need prayer. I need to pray. My childlike innocence for faith has been lost. Tried and lost.

I know God is there. That Jesus died for me. That they can do anything. That I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But...what if Christ chooses not to strengthen me? How many times can you hear no? How many times can a parent allude to a hope, a dream that potentially could come true before a child loses faith? And if they continue to dream does it not only become more shattered?

Twice in one day I heard this song. The first time I stopped what I was doing and raised my hands up to God and choked back tears. The next time I was driving around in my car, thinking about if I could get through not being able to carry a baby to term. God loves me. At the moment I am waiting on him, with a broken heavy heart and tentatively reaching out my arms. Yet, with the slightest thought of despair...I drop them. And I run. away.

Proverbs

I checked my Bible verse of the day today, and staring back at me was Proverbs 22:6.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

I fought hard to hold it together, but a few tears escaped. I cried out to God and said to Him, "Lord let this be true, give me a chance. My heart is breaking at the chance of never having this opportunity." Then he gently reminded me, without promise of our own little one, that I do help raise children in the way they should go. Even when they are not my own flesh and blood. I have worked in children's ministry, at a day care, and have prayed for all of the kids I have worked with at some point.

With my current cycle being crazy, and making me think my body is going crazier and crazier. And I'm trying not to fear. And have more faith. But another proverb rang forth in my ears after reading the one above...
Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

I read a devotion that talked about making sure your plans were God's plans. If only he would shout it out to me instead of small whispers along the way. Currently I'm crampy. Not spotting, except for random pinkish/yellow. So I'm at a point of wondering and waiting. The life of a woman trying to conceive, I tell ya...it is a roller coaster.

30 Day Blog Post - Day 5

Day 5: A song to match your mood

I don't know what mood I am in today. Honestly, just tired. After this post I think I will head to where I hear my voice being called: my bed. So instead I will give you a few songs that I love to turn up loud and sing my heart out to Jesus. Worship while driving. :-)



Love the music in this song. Hands raised and saying this is me God. I'm broken and I need you, I'm not afraid to stand up and say it!



There are some days that I don't know why God has given me what is at hand in my life, but I know it is because through my weakness He is made strong.



Where You go Lord I will go. Even through this rocky road of infertility and loss. Even though at times I gripe and feel down about my position, I know that my position in Christ is greater. And I will follow You!


Have a blessed day!
♥ Jess

Love is Fragile

I'll admit, I was a person that had decided any movie with Miley Cirus in it was not worth watching. Tonight, we signed out for netflix (free month trial!) and James chose for us to watch "Last Song" and let me tell you, it was a darn good movie. It had me laughing and crying, James may have even shed a tear once.

There is a LOT of kissing between the Ronnie (Miley) and her boyfriend Will in the movie, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't approve if she was my daughter, just saying...Yet, looking past that you will find a good plot line. A chick flick. I loved how the dad at one time talks about how love is fragile and not perfect, the mom says we love, we mess up, we forgive, and we move on. And I think that is the truth. Love is messy, it isn't perfect by any means. It's like breaking a glass window, if you aren't taking care to care for it, eventually the little pecks will spread and the glass will shatter. If something big comes along and crashes through it, you can always pick up the pieces, but it will never be the same. Love changes over time. We learn to love differently.

What if the world realized this? That love isn't what is portrayed in movies with hot sticky bodies kissing, or perfect walks on a moonlit beach. That love means being there when a person is sick. Suffering through a loss together. Bickering about whose turn it is to do the dishes, clean the cat pan, and take out the trash. Love isn't perfect, and neither is life. We just need to learn to guard our hearts. To continue to patch up any little pecks that come along in the glass, so one day it doesn't shatter into little pieces that cannot be put together.

Am I babbling? maybe, I'm a little sleepy. But what I am trying to say is sometimes love is tough, it's not perfect, it is for better or worse. And I'm blessed to have a man to stand by my side. Who loves me. Who cares enough to learn to love me in different ways when we change. We are not perfect. We forget to take time for just us. Life happens, and then we cling to what we know. I will continue to pray that we will always cling to each other and to God. Because just as love is fragile, so is life. Anything can happen along the way, but thankfully I know where I am going. Even though I'm not perfect, and do not deserve the grace that is extended to me.

What about you? Think about it.

♥ Jess

Personality Crutches

A person in my life lately has been using the "it's who God wants me to be" card. I understand God created all of us to be different spots on the spectrum of personality types. Introverted vs Extroverted, Impulsive vs Thinker, etc. But some times I think people use this as a crutch. It would be like me saying, well God created me to be a little chunky, so I might as well eat another cheeseburger, fry, and chocolate shake. I think this is the wrong thinking. God creates us to adapt I think to how we were created. Maybe it means he made me this way so I could understand hard work via the avenue of losing weight. Maybe God makes another person an impulsive speaker to make them have to learn hard work via the taming of the tongue. I don't know for sure, I'm not the creator. But I'm just saying...sometimes I think people use it as a crutch instead of a spring board to do better with their lives.

What do you think?

Feeling Full of Thoughts

At the moment I feel so full of thoughts that I feel like my heart could pound out of my chest. I had a busy night at work, at the back of my mind always is still the questioning about James's results (have to wait another week...) & if I will ever get to feel a child move within my womb, and I realized I just am so worn out of trying to be strong on my own that I am so incredibly week and worn down.

Jesus said, where I am weak He is strong. And I fully believe it, yet how is it that I forget it? I poured out to God. In my car, as tears ran down my cheeks, as I sang my heart out to God with worship songs like, "Not Mine Anyway" by JJ Heller, "Savior Please" by Josh Wilson, and "Revelation Song" by Kari Jobe.

My mind is also so pondering foster parenting. It's a scary exciting thing. Scary because I know I am going to love so deeply. So beyond myself that it will be hard to let go if they get called to go live with their biological parents. Yet, I remind myself that is a face a child that I will forever get to pray for. Maybe it will prepare me for when we get to release our children when they are older into the world. It's also so EXCITING because it means that James and I will have a child in our home that we will get to parent and love on as they may have never experienced before. We will get to be Jesus with skin on to these children. Even if they don't know Jesus, and if they don't...they will get to know about Him. =D And hopefully we will leave a lasting footprint on the hearts of these children.

How scary & exciting will it be to get our first phone call that a child is ready to come stay with us? I can't help but think maybe we should paint the nursery into a child's room with the paint that is waiting in the basement. I can't help but think I should hit up garage sales this summer to begin collecting baby and children's things. I can't help but be excited. Yet, I also imagine the fear that will be experienced the first day, the first night, the first week, until a routine is in place and we know each other better.

Sunday we are going to get to talk to a couple that never was able to conceive. She also has PCOS. Did all the fertility treatments without going as far as IVF, they couldn't get her to ovulate. In the end? They have 3 children adopted through the foster system. And they are without a doubt their children. We get to ask questions, find out how the process was for them, and learn so much from an amazing Christian couple. I pray one day we are able to help out a younger couple looking into foster care. Even if it's not because they are struggling with infertility.

Even now I feel compelled to pray for the children that will come our way. That God would protect them. And comfort them. My heart feels so heavy for them that at the moment it is easy to forget about my pain. I opened up our email this morning and in it was the verse from Romans 12:18 "Be happy with those who are happy, weep with those who weep." I am weeping with them. For the loss of parents that they are experiencing. I have been weeping for my loss, but how greater is theirs? And where has my happiness been? With those who have gotten pregnant on my internet thread life, because I have wept with them and cried out in excitement for them!

But what about Laura? Am I not excited for her? I am. Deep inside I am. I know there is a wonderful little niece or nephew that I will love unconditionally. That I will love on. Yet jealousy and past hurts cloud my view. Mostly because she chose not to weep with me when I was weeping. She caused pain, that I am called to forgive. 7 x 70 times that my mind reminds me of the hurt.

It is hard to be excited for others when they haven't been their for your for the bad times. Or when they have been insensitive to the fact that you are still weeping. That your heart feels too far down to smile and find joy. Yet, even in my sadness I can find excitement and joy for those that have been with me. Maybe this is why Jesus went to those that were sick, poor, and lowly in the standards of most. To show them compassion, so they would be more quick to accept him. Because even when he was not the one in the situation he slipped into their shoes and walked in theirs. Because of mercy we can be excited in our pain, especially for those who have showed us they are for us and not against us.

This is where my heart is at the moment. Somewhere between hopeful and grieved. Somewhere between healed and broken. Somewhere between excited and scared. This is where my heart is, and I'm trying to be content with it, and look more fully to God. He is shaping me, don't you know. And probably you as you read this. Here I am my friends, an imperfectly perfect creation of God. A woman that is trying to follow Christ yet gets discouraged by the cracks in the sidewalk at times. A woman that loves to stop and smell the flowers, and extend her hands up to God in thanksgiving. I am broken and beautiful. I am strong, yet so weak.

I'll leave you with a song that I had to wait for over a week before God allowed me to hear it on the radio when I couldn't remember the lyrics or the name of the song. All I could remember was the piano part was beautiful.



Have a lovely day ♥

My Hundreth Post

I feel like I'm an elementary student on the hundredth day of school. Feel like I should post 100 facts or 100 things I'm thankful for...so I think I might try. =)

My List of Thankfulness. 
I'm thankful for...

1. Jesus Christ
2. That He died for my sins.
3. That He has forgotten my sin.
4. That I can experience freedom in Christ.
5. the fact that Jesus was there for me, even when I didn't believe.
6. my life
7. That I should have died in my semi-car accident, and I lived!
8. That my friends survived the crash too.
9. That James can put up with my hormonalness
10. That he tries his best to understand & be there for me in my hurting.
11. the fact that I have 2 babies I will get to see in Heaven.
12. our hot water
13. our home!
14. My best friend Jennifer
15. For my friends that listen to my random ramblings and ventings
16. tissues.
17. the internet that we now have (it's pretty fast!)
18. my job.
19. James's job
20. Jack Jack, he warms my heart.
21. all the storage place we have in our home.
22. Christian radio stations, such as 99.7, 91.3, and 88.1
23. this comfy couch that I'm sitting on
24 the good deal I got on scrubs
25 good doctors in the US
26 health insurance!
27. our cats not needing to be on special diet food also (Jack has allergies...)
28. Mr. Macqueen selling me my first Bible
29. "Wild at Heart" it helped me understand James
30. "Power of a Praying Wife" It gave me WONDERFUL things to pray about
31. the power of prayer
32. the ability to read
33. the ability to write
34. the ability to see
35. the ability to smell
37. the ability to love unconditionally
38. little love letters from James
39. residents that tell me what a good CNA I am. They make me smile.
40. my smile.
41. the ability to smile through pain
42. the ability to cling to God even through pain
43. the washing machine mom gave us!
44. Our cars
45. the fact that our little white car is still kicking it, long after it was supposed to die.
46. my new tennis shoes!
47...the fact that because of them my back hurts less
48. for the thread I talk to other women about ttc post loss.
49. some of the amazing blogs that I get to read!
50. that I'm half way through this list.
51. our vacuum that does a wonderful job cleaning up Jack Jack hair.
52. the ability to walk!
53. my family *as crazy as they are*
54. the wonderful smell of my new lemon vanilla body spray *though sad to find out Bath & Body discontinued it...*
55. the fact that twisted peppermint is a seasonal scent that I can replenish my supply every year.
56. the fact that I'm Christ's Bride.
57. That Christ knows the children James & I will have.
58. that we are faithfully going through with foster parenting.
59. that my nephew only has to wear his cast for broken femur for 4 weeks.
60. that even though I struggle with forgiveness at times, God still helps me to forgive the ones that I don't want to forgive.
61. that God has provided for me.
62. that God teaches people
63. ...especially thankful for when he allows me to see spiritual growth & maturity in people that have caused me hurt.
64. the ability to go to school
65. soft blankets
66. the smell of fresh cut grass
67. being able to live in the country
68. the smell of beautiful flowers
69. how cute all little babies are, be it human or other animal
70. knowledge
71. wisdom
72. compassion
73. words of kindness
74. BATHS!
75. running water
76. toilets, the fact that I don't have to dig a hole to go poo.
77. roller coaster rides...love the adrenaline it gives!
78. ice cream on a hot summer day
79. ice!
80. clean drinking water
81. our fridge, stove, and microwave.
82. God giving me the ability to play the clarinet
83. the love of music that lifts up my soul.
84. nap time!
85. online banking
86.time with friends
87. our church
88. the joy that little children carry with them (how much they make my heart smile)
89. How Hannah used to say, Grapes "gwapes"
90. the ability to keep my mouth shut when I am fuming with anger & bitterness.
91. our Bibles! How we can learn so much about God through them
92. Breezy summer days.
93. How beautiful snowflakes are.
94. Swings in the park
95. being able to be simplistically enthralled by life.
96. for electricity
97. for gas stations
98. for grocery stores.
99. My husband that is an amazing provider & lover of my heart, soul, mind & body!
100. the thought that we will one day have children together. That he is the one that brought up foster parenting.

I am thankful, and trying to remind myself of it. There are times I still feel afflicted and angered by other people's words. I'm thankful for this as an outlet. I'm thankful for friends that apologize. And for being able to apologize.

I am thankful for a comfy bed, that I am now going to snuggle into because I am tired. Nap time!
♥ Jessica

Seething Anger

I feel like Medusa. Like I should have snakes coming out of my head, and filled with an angered rage. I can't shake it. I can bite off heads, and seethe anger like no ones business. And most of all I hate it, yet I can't shake it.

I'm frustrated that they changed worship weekend because people wanted cabins (honestly what's the point to camp if you sit in a cabin? Everyone that used them last year complained because they were hot!). So now I can't go. And I want to be a bitch and tell James no too. I'm sick of him being able to go do things while I can't because I have to freaking work. I want to sit around the campfire singing songs. I NEED it. I need it. I need a get away with Christians that will understand and love me. I need a weekend away where people won't talk about babies. 

I'm still annoyed with Laura. She called yesterday and told James she never told me to "Get angry and get over it" Blamed it on Darcy. Said she said it. Wrong, Darcy just never said anything when I told her about the miscarriages. Then they were the only friends that didn't say anything that actually apologized for not being there. The other two that said nothing, still have said nothing. Laura said it, and then acted as if nothing ever happened. Then she tells James she wants to apologize. I'm sorry I feel as if someone wants to apologize I shouldn't have to call to get the apology. But, I texted her giving her the opening. NOTHING. NOTHING! My favorite thing that she said when James told her what she said, "Why would she want to come see me if I said that?" Because that's what Christians do. Forgive and then forgive again. Even when the person doesn't know they have hurt you. Sadly, it brings it back to the surface when the hurt is brought up again. Especially by the person letting you know they are pregnant....and here could come a vent again. A big vent. I'm resisting though. I'm tired of it all. Let's be honest, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of insensitive people. Tired of selfish people. I'm tired. Just plain tired.

And I'm cranky. Hormonal. And sick of getting my hopes let down month after month. Maybe I'm sick of hope at this point. I'm sick of crushed dreams. I'm sick of feeling sick & tired. I'm hurting. Broken, and desperate for once something to come easy. Something to happen for me that I want so desperately bad. I realize my past has shaped me. I get it, I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. Yet, I am so broken and low at the moment. My heart is crying out to you Lord, will you leave me broken, desolate, and hurting much longer? I said I'd go down this road to follow you, to let you move. I know I did. I said it's okay if you need to use me for this journey. But I feel like Israel wondering through the desert to get the promised land. How much longer will I be left feeling hopeless? Raise me up Lord. Fix my ovaries to produce eggs worthy of getting pregnant. Fix my heart. I'm broken and in need of your holy spirit to fill me up. I have nothing left in me. I'm hurting. I need your undying love to set me free.

Jess

Late Night Thoughts on Infertility

I wanted to share a few links and a few thoughts.

First of all I finally got the chance to listen to Focus on the Family’s radio broadcast on infertility. It is split into 2 broadcasts. I highly recommend them, both for those trying to understand infertility (how it affects women), and those struggling through the murky waters.

Here are the links

1^st broadcast

2^nd broadcast

A few times listening tears were brought to my eyes. Can you imagine six miscarriages? I’ve had two. Two of my babies are in heaven. And it is still a little difficult for me to comprehend how four more losses would shape me. At one moment a woman said she had to understand that maybe God placed her on this road of infertility to shape her into the woman He wants her to be. God is that why I am here? Because I tell you, I will follow you. I will allow you to lead me, even down that bumpy road. And it is hard to say at times, but I will follow you Lord.

Imagine your life, if you are a mom, without your children. Or imagine your dreams…being crushed by the Dr saying that you are infertile. It’s painful isn’t it? Try living it. Because when you lose a pregnancy, you lose all of those dreams you have with that child. It is so hard. I have a group of ladies that I talk to on a thread. And this week out of the nine women that are on it we have had two big news hit us. Exciting news, because one woman that had faced miscarriage is now pregnant! I am so excited for her. But, there was a low blow for another woman. She found out her husband has low motility and low count. A 2% chance of getting pregnant. Combined with her ovulation problems. My heart goes out to her.

It strikes me because within the next few days we will find out the results of James’s test. And with my body being jacked up already, I too could find myself in her position…even with our two miscarriages. I know I will not blame James because he does not blame me. He loves me, unconditionally. And we know we can adopt…and in spite of my crazy dream that I have had about getting pregnant after adoption. Adoption does NOT increase the chance of pregnancy. When you have medical issues relaxing probably will not help you to conceive.

Sorry if I am babbling. I am pretty tired at the moment. Have more things to pack in the morning. And have a very important appointment with a cup, and the man I love (haha! Glad I can joke on here about it, because James is SO not okay with it at the moment).

And on this tiredness. I know it is 3am. But I slept seven and a half hours, and I am used to being up at this time. So why am I tired? Trying to keep my hopes not too high, because the higher you allow it to get, the lower they fall later. And the more it hurts.

So, I’m going to stay positive. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t…maybe it will maybe it won’t. If I get angry with God, He can take my honesty. If I cling to God, it’s ok because He is a strong God. And I have to say, I know in my heart I’m a mom already. Even before I had children I had a motherly heart. Yet, I also have this deep feeling that I will be a mommy here on Earth some way, some how. Even though that path is a mystery to me, God knows!

Also I want to tell you something that warms my heart, and gives a deep thankfulness for being able to watch children grow up. There is a young lady at our church, she is in sixth grade. After I spoke at church on my miscarriages and yearning to be a mom, she came up to me, looking quite sad, and said, “Jessica, I’m sorry you’ve been through that. I really hope God gives you a baby.” A sixth grader! The only other women that came up to me after service were the ones that helped me through the hard times, or had experienced infertility in their lives. God is going to use that little lady. I believe it; He is going to shape her. And mold her. And already is. I am thankful for her. Just as thankful as I am for the women of that day that acknowledged my pain and shared their stories.

I will look up the link for that Sunday and see if it is posted, then share it with you if it is.

But, for now, with small tears of thankfulness, joy, sadness, and hope flowing down my cheeks I say, good night. Have a blessed day! And I hope you find peace in whatever struggle you are facing today.

♥ Jess

6dpo & weekend away.

Today I am 6dpo in my attempt-to-not-obsess-about-pregnancy-"symptoms" I shouldn't tell you I slept so much today and can't help but wonder if it's truly 3rd shift, or if it is hormones. Or that my nips are feeling sensitive and I'm trying to avoid thinking about it. Or how about the fact that James's SA is tomorrow and early next week we will have test results that will either say nay, or yay to going on clomid.

Which btw we are still in debate about. If we need to go on it, it might wait for when I am done for school. But James still wants to avoid 100% so we'll see. We are praying for God's guidance (though not as often as we should).

Lately I've been slacking on reading my Bible again. How is it that I can fall so desperately in love with God and His Word then fall out of habit? Am I like Israel in the Bible grieving him for falling away? I desperately crave not to be...but I know often I fail to be a Christian woman that reads her Bible *sigh* I will get better. This is a journey of my life, a crazy bumpy road that I get to endure!

Have I mentioned our weekend away? Because I am so excited! It is going to help keep my mind of testing until the earliest that I can or should test. And even then I might try to wait to test until a day or so before AF is supposed to appear. I am hoping next week will bring lots of excitement as we pursue Adoption via foster parenting (and maybe a + preg test, that would be WONDERFUL!). Have I also mentioned we are going to go forth with adoption even if I do get pregnant? It's crazy to me to think that we could turn from a family of 2 to a family of 4 quite quickly. It brings tears to my eyes at times to think about our child that God already knows about that will be joining our arms first. I'm ready to pick a little infant up from the hospital. So ready! Now to wait for God's perfect timing whether it's 2 months or 9 months or even longer. I just feel this wonderfully intimidating feeling...to be at peace with what God has prompted us to go forth with!

Makes me want to jump for joy, yet also hide. Does that make sense? I think it's like the veil that Moses had to wear after seeing God. Or how afraid Israel was to face him...and it's not because we are messing up, it's because James and I both feel at peace. I feel excited, and a little anxious. Because I've never felt this comfortable with something before. Especially something this big and important, as giving a child a life of good parenting and loving support that otherwise he or she may not have.

Ok and now for motivation, first load of laundry is in. I need to shower, vacuum, pack, clean kitchen, and have everything ready for us to leave in the morning! Busy day tomorrow...and OH SO EXCITED!