Okay, I'm Listening

"God is not the author of confusion but of peace." 1 Corinthians 14:33

God is definitely trying to reach out to me. He doesn't want me to be confused. The past week one scripture has filled my daily devotion, scripture verse in my email, Sunday sermon, and Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. These verses:

Ephesians 6:10-12

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, 

so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, 

against the powers of this dark work, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

This is one verse leads into the Armor of God. A verse in the past I never could manage to memorize, but surely one I will be working on to memorize. I remember recently I had this thought about I am not strong enough to endure this any longer. But I heard God whisper to me, a voice that said, "No but I am strong enough for you." And He is. I need to keep my full armor of God in place so I can stand strong, with God's help to face the evils in this world. Maybe I sound crazy, but I know it was God.

I have been a basket case this week. I have been confused on what I am content with doing, but God's scripture says he is not the author of confusion, but of peace. So I am praying for peace in this journey. This month and the next few months are going to be so hard. My heart is breaking more and more each day. The closer I get to my year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant, of my first ever doctor appointment at an OB, the day my heart broke into thousands of millions of pieces. The day I got the news I was miscarrying. That day is getting closer. 

But, I am working on getting closer to God in the midst of all of this.

I am a big fan of the book I am reading. Here are some highlights of my favorite quotes from the past few days of reading (I have the book that is three in one - Power of a Praying Wife, Power of a Praying Parent, and Power of a Praying Woman).

"If you aren't experiencing any breakthrough in your life, check to see if you have truly surrendered yourself to the Lord. Have you given Jesus that place of Lordship? Have you let go of everything?" (page 81)

"Lord, I need to have your Word come alive to me again. Make that happen, Father. Clear my mind and soul. teach me new things. Help me to go deeper into Your Word than ever before." (page 87)

And then this last chapter. Background history? I was sitting down to watch TV when I heard another whisper that said, "Am I less important than the television?" Talk about cutting me to the core. So instead of watching TV I sat down to read a chapter out of my book. The title of the chapter? "Lord Instruct Me as I Put My Life in Right Order" Think so? I think God was clear as crystal this morning to me. I teared up just seeing the title.

"Your relationship with the Lord must always have top priority over everything else. The Lord said, "You shall have no other gods before Me" (Exodus 20:31), and He means it. God wants your undivided attention. When you seek Him first every day and ask Him to help you put your life in order, He will do that.....when we don't seek God first, our lives get out of control." (Page 97)

"God is a God of order. We can tell that by looking at the universe. None of it is random or accidental. He doesn't want our lives to be either." (Page 97)

"Submission is something you decide to do, not something someone forces you to do." (Page 97)

Infertility and loss has definitely impacted my relationship with the Lord. TTC and our hopeful future has often times became a more frequent priority than God. I know that this all has been for a purpose, often questioning why it is happening. It isn't by accident, God didn't at random choose me to experience infertility. And in the midst of it all, I need to decide to submit to God's will for my life. He isn't going to force me, He wants me to choose. Even if it meant that I would have to experience loss after loss, year after year of infertility. I am not saying submitting to God's will will magically change my future with infertility. But it will make it easier if I am leaning on God will all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

For those that might not know, James and I have been struggling with the decision of where our church home is supposed to be. I still haven't found peace, but this chapter talked about this as well. Accident? I think not.

"The Bible says we should submit to authority figures designated by God in our church, in our family, in our work, and in our government. To be in right order and have our lives work well, we need to be planted in a church home. It gives us a base of operation. We can't get as far as God wants us to go without it. Each church has a unique distinction and purpose, and you will not be happy until you find the one God has for you. This doesn't mean you have to go to a different church every week until you find one that is perfect and makes you 100 percent happy. They don't exist. Churches are, after all, made up of imperfect people like us. What it does mean is that you need to ask God to show you where your church family is." (Page 100)

"I know that if my life is not in proper order I will not receive the blessings you have for me." (Page 102)

I am going to work on the priorities, placing God at the top so I can fully receive His blessings. In the meantime, I am going to work on leaning more on word. These are a few:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, 

piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, 

and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

He who heeds the word wisely will find good, 

and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.

Proverbs 16:20

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,

and all of these things shall be added to you.

Matthew 6:33