Facing infertility and the possibility of not having children is more than facing not experiencing pregnancy.
It is facing the possibility of...
Not seeing you husband walking your daughter down the aisle.
Not going to little kid sporting events.
Not getting to watch your baby's firsts (smile, rolling over, crawling, word, walking...etc).
Not getting to watch a child graduate.
Thinking about what else the used to be planned nursery can be.
Forever feeling like a failure as a woman.
Fearing that any potential adopted children would be viewed as second choice by family, when they had just as much been part of our plan.
Seeing more and more women get pregnant while you still long for a baby years later.
It means...
Seeing facebook statuses and having a pit in your stomache instead of joy when you think another woman is pregnant.
Avoiding the baby aisle in the store.
Or walking through the baby aisle, and dreaming...
And then crying because it is just that...a dream.
Having to find a new way to love God after loss.
Having to form relationships with friends all over, because some people don't know how to deal with sadness and grief.
No longer being able to watch Baby Story without crying sad tears instead of happy tears for the couples.
Or that's what it means to me.
I was bad and looked up dates. November 12, 2010 I got my first faint positive, but didn't tell James. Repeat on 13, but told James. Another 2 faint positives 14th. 15th had ultrasound to check for ectopic, only saw cysts on ovaries. HCG was 101. Started Lovenox on my birthday (16th). 17th my temp dropped on bbt, made me nervous and not dbling level didn't help. HCG 130. Progesterone 9.7...started prometrium. Still was hopeful and full of prayer. 18th bbt dropped lower. 19th bbt same, and got news miscarrying. HCG 104. It was the hardest day of my life. I have never cried such earth shattering tears before in my life. After I stopped prometrium I spotted for 2 days, and started heavy flow on the 22nd. By the 27th my bloodwork came back no longer pregnant. HCG was 2. Happy freaking Thanksgiving.
Infertility and Miscarriages suck.
My heart aches for you. Im going threw the same thing as far as facing the possibility's. I keep asking myself Who am I if Im never going to be a mother. Its very hard. I wish I could offer some advice as to how to help cope with everything but as you know you just have to take it day by day. Praying and Wishing the best of luck for you.
ReplyDeleteThis is so heartbreaking. My prayers are with you my friend. Please be brave. Good luck and may the Almighty Lord bless you more!
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