Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.
This scripture comes to mind whenever I think of infertility. Our hope for a child has been deferred, our heart feels sick in the waiting. But the dream of a child being in our arms, when our own child will get to be help, it will allow us to feel like a weight is lifted off our shoulders.
Isaiah 43:1-2 - Fear not... I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...
This scripture reminds me that these waters I am passing through, God is with me. And just as God parted the Red Sea for those in the old testament, he can allow infertility to separate from me for a time to get pregnant. I broke down yesterday and cried, because while God can allow it, doesn't mean he will.
Psalm 27:14 - Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
This one kind of makes me want to laugh much like Sarah, laughing at waiting on God to allow me to be pregnant. Makes me feel like Rachel, If I don't have children my life will feel pointless. And even like Rebecca, when I ask James to continue to pray about me getting pregnant. We are to be brave and courageous, but it is so incredibly hard to keep hope alive and face a new cycle without tears. To wait patiently is something I know God has been working on for me, but it is SO hard.
Hebrews 10:35-36 - So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that is promised.
Do I confidently trust the Lord? Some days the trust does waver. I will not lie, because I get so upset, like when I broke down and cried. I asked God why it is he WON'T bless me at the moment. Told him that I am sick of waiting, and I understand it is his timing, but it doesn't make any easier. I still love God, therefore if I love Him...shouldn't I trust him? Yes, and I am working on it. But I have to tell ya, being patient is hard enough, but having patient endurance? If I only get that through confident trust in the Lord, I must confidently trust him. Especially if I want the "great reward it brings", I am ready for my prize. And I am hoping God decides one of my prizes is growing our family through pregnancy. If not that he will help me to realize our dream of adoption and foster parenting.But I have to say, my dream is to do both.
These are the scripture verses that definitely came to me over the past week or so. My heart feels sick in the waiting. I have been so down these past few days. I am tired of getting my hope broke month after month. I am emotional, my nips hurt, I have cramps, and I am only a few days from the truth of whether or not this cycle is something to celebrate about, or to cry about....or both if I have conceived. :-) But that is silly talk. Right? *sigh* Confident trust. Oh boy.
I am 13dpo. On a usual cycle AF would be here in 2 days, but clomid cycles have extended my luteal phase to 15 instead of 14, so I probably have 3 days. 3 days of cramping, sensitive emotions and nips, and over contemplating the simplest things. Like my ta-tas now hurting. Only a few days before. Most other cycles on clomid it has hurt pretty much right after ovulation. So what does waiting til now to start hurting mean? Ahh! Don't go there, because there is only a 20% chance in any given cycle to conceive. 20% Back to reality. I will know the truth soon enough, no point to worry about it now.
((Hugs))
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