Well it has been one year since my first positive test. Today of last year I would be at the ER in hopes of finding out if my pregnancy was eptopic due to pain or what was going on. They saw nothing. Tomorrow is my birthday by the way. Definitely not feeling too excited about getting older.
Part of me wishes that we will be like our good friends that got pregnant a year after their miscarriage. But, while my heart cries out for this...I just have a feeling it won't be coming true for us. I am hopeful, but not holding my breath.
To be honest, I am starting to think that we will not have children that are biologically ours. A little girl asked me, "Do you have kids?" When I said, "No not yet." She asked me, "Well what if you never have kids?" It stung a little, but I answered truthfully, "Then we will adopt."
"What does 'adopt' mean?"
"It means that a baby someone else has, I would sign lots of papers and talk to a judge, and then the judge would let us be the baby's parents."
"Wait...is that LEGAL?"
"Yes, it is legal."
End of conversation.
It felt like God was asking me, "What if you never have kids, will you love me? Will you choose to follow my will for your life?"
I feel like my answer was a good one, and an honest answer.
But, I have to be honest. The craving to experience pregnancy would possibly lead me to a couple rounds of IVF. One being biological and another being with donor embryos. I feel like donor embryos is like adoption, but at an earlier stage of life.
On a different note, I plan on posting on Sunday's service if I can find my paper from service. It was a good one. I cried my eyes out, it was about God's Promises and how to hold onto them. But, for now I am going to shower and go order my birthday cake.
Often things strike my heart and want to come bursting forth. They come spilling out onto the page, or computer screen. With ink filling pages or my fingers flying across the keyboard, my mind going a million miles a minute, and my heart crying out to be heard. Here is where you’ll find those things, my little notes on life.
Little Bit About Me
- Jess
- First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.
happy birthday sweetie. i hope you'll soon get your bfp!
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