WOW....

Well I didn't expect to get the news we got Saturday morning. SIL's husband left her Friday night. Heart is so sad for their marriage. She is trying to get counseling with him, and he refuses. We knew he wasn't happy but never knew he was THAT unhappy. My nephew is broken hearted. He thinks everyone hates him, and doesn't understand why dad is leaving him, and why he doesn't like his mom any more.

Another unexpected....still no AF and one more stupid faint positive on a FRER. I know this one isn't viable, but seriously? I got hcg and progesterone drawn today after telling a friend and she urged me to.

And my doc appt for lump on cervix is Wednesday. Praying it is a cyst. But there is definitely a little knot in my chest.

Blah.

Good news...got an 84% on this first exam in OB today. Really do need to start applying myself and studying though. *sigh*

Stupid Faint Lines

I am done testing I swear. Going to start lovenox until my period starts. That's all I can do. Boo.

2 BFNs (without much hold time) and then a faint BFP with a 9 hour hold. Obviously it probably isn't going to work out but I wish I knew what the heck was going on.

Or a new cycle would start.

Or a test would miraculously get darker.

Darker would be wonderful.

But lets face it. The chances are slim.

Update

Well about the bump(s) on cervix, my doctor said to set up an appointment. So I will be doing that on Monday. Kind of nerve wrecking, do not consult Dr. Google. You will find anything from cervical cancer to cysts.

James has decided to stay at his current job for the time being. We will re-evaluate our situation once I am able to carry the insurance for the family. And I think this current limbo made us really look at the aspects of what he loses and what he gains potentially by switching jobs. Right now the positives weigh in heavier than the negatives.

On the hpt front, I got one that looked faintly faint, and another BFN. SO I am thinking all isn't well. If my period doesn't start soon I won't know what is going on. I am stocked up on pads and tampons. I also have a few more tests as well. I have spent like 25 on pregnancy tests this cycle. Oiy! I just wish for the best outcome, and hope to one day (possibly soon) to see a strong pregnancy test. I bought a 3T Big Brother shirt in hopes of getting to share the news one day. I bought it in 3T, and will not fret if I have to buy one in a smaller size!!

Anyways, I am pooped and my bed is calling me! :-)

Prayers

Lord my heart feels so big tonight. You are utterly amazing. This semester for school I get to see your new miracles as they transition into this world. From ones that are just hatched, to ones that are getting ready to go home with their mommy and daddy. It makes me giddy. It makes my heart swell with how amazing you are to be able to form such a miracle that starts out so tiny and ends up growing into this cuddly little baby.

How amazing is that? Even if you chose to not let us experience another viable healthy pregnancy, I would still be so amazed by the journey from conception to delivery. I cannot help but wish, and hope, and pray for this pregnancy. As light of lines as they are, the nausea I experienced after taking my prenatal before testing, the bloating, extra peeing, and the now sore nipples let me know you are at work once again in my body.

And just as you know every desire of my heart. Just as you know when I lie down, and when I get up. Just as you know the plans for my life. Your know the plans for this little guy as well. You know how long his heart will beat, if he will get to breath a breath of life, and if James and I will get to see his tiny little body and snuggle him close. You know what is best for all of us, and I just pray that this journey to growing our family is perfect for what you have planned for us. May you guide us and protect us, and also allow us to do the same to our future children and Matthew.

I love you Lord. And as often as I go to the bathroom to check to see if I am spotting, I pray that you keep that doubt and worry away from me as you are here with me and our baby. Help me to cherish every moment that we have with this little one, and find joy in this pregnancy, even if the days are short.

Please allow my hopes and desires to be matched with yours and allow us to be greeting a new bundle of joy to our family within the next 9 months. Matthew loves babies, and he would love to have a baby brother or sister.

Protect this baby, and help him grow to his full potential. Help me to make smarter eating choices and to take it easy on myself as this fatigue takes over me!

I only ask these things and say thank you for it all because I know that you listen to my heart, you answer impossible prayers, and you and your Son are SO much bigger than any fear or worry I could be having.

Caved.

Well I tested again last night couldn't tell if it was positive or indent. Thinking I am just feeling negative because with 6 losses not feeling very optimistic. Well...definitely there is a pink faint line.

So I peed this morning, and going to test with my last 88c test with my SMU.

I checked my cervix and it is firm, but the weird bumps are back. Planning on emailing my OB to see what she wants me to do. Probably should get them checked out even though I am betting they are cysts.

Lots of things up in the air here lately....

Will report back later.
*************

Well my post never posted so guess it is all going to be in one. I tested and there is a damn shadow. So whoooo knows? Not I. I am going to go shower go to town for dog food, and buy a few more tests. Then I have to drop off clothes to my friend for her daughter that I got yesterday.

And then go to clinical. Boo. But maybe I will get to see another baby be born!!

Stupid FRER

I only bought the FRER because I was at Meijer and they don't have the cheapies that Walmart does. And they were a price drop, and a coupon on the 3 pack box.

So where there once was a line...there is not. Granted I always get better lines in the evening, BUT I am looking at the dried line now and it is lighter in the center so it could be an evap.

FML.

I have one area left and debating about doing it tonight or tomorrow morning.

Blah. So it is still up in the air.

Possibly, maybe?

Def not a BFP, but it is a BFL. Big FAINT Line. The picture doesn't do it justice.

Waiting to call it until I test tomorrow morning or the following morning.

Crampy, but not AF

So sick of this. I wish my period would regulate. Fairly certain it is not ovulation, as opks barely have lines. Fairly certain not pregnant, as I do not think I ovulated. And pretty darn certain my body is giving me issues getting back to normal.

Those that breastfed, how long did it take your cycle to get back to "normal"?

Zombie Mode

I am EXHAUSTED. Like last night I was so tired I felt drunk. James looks at me and says, "Are you pregnant?" Honestly, not a clue. So today will be buying a test to at least rule that out. My period was due yesterday, but I don't think I have even ovulated, and if I did I definitely missed all of the signs. So who really knows. As much as I would be excited to have another baby, at this point I don't know how well I would function on the exhaustion, plus school, plus teething boy, you get the picture.

In reality I think it is Mr. Matthew's teething and the wanting to wake up at 130am to play/be crabby. And the every 2 hours beyond that. I let him cry himself to sleep, followed by getting him bc he was crying, and then putting him down at 145 because he wouldn't fall back asleep. He cried off and on for 20-30 minutes. Felt horrid. But I need sleep.

The Rest of the 9 Month Photos!

I have been kind of leery about posting photos since the vanzant family has had an issue with people posting her pictures of her babies on instagram and claiming them to be her own twins! (WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!)

BUT I am still going to share, idiots please don't claim to be the mother to my miracle baby son.

End rant.

SOOOO here they are!! I put them in a collages to save time. If you know me personally and are in our area, they are all by Memories Portrait Studios. Michelle and Lynette do amazing with taking pictures of kids!!

Considerations

Being at the clinical site I am at this semester I really believe is God breathed. As much as I grumbled about the drive, and how one of the floors is not updated decoratively or even on the same floor as the laboring and delivering moms....it has truly been a blessing.

There are midwives in the hospital. Just as prominent as the doctors. They have the tele monitors that allow induced moms to move around, get in the tubs (that are in every room), and they endorse Kangaroo Care (where the baby is placed immediately on the mom's chest from delivery, goopy and everything. And not removed for an HOUR before they do weight or measure length. This is for premies as well as long as they are not in respiratory distress). They also allow Dads to catch the baby if he wishes. And the kangaroo care is implemented on c-section moms as well (as long as staffing allows a nursery nurse to stay with mom, and if they do not have the staffing dad is encouraged to do skin to skin in a separate room in the nursery).

They are also shooting to go baby friendly. Meaning no formula provided by the hospital at all. I want to get their breastfeeding rates. And c-section rates. Because I am betting they will be lower than most other places. Woo you should see the heated discussions about this online! And about breastfeeding in general. Breast is best. Period. I do understand there are circumstances that do not allow for breastfeeding to occur, hence in the olden days there were wet nurses. But even though that choose formula should be able to admit, nursing for first thing postpartum to allow the baby to get colostrum is better than nothing.  Not choosing to breastfeed at all when you can without medical reasons getting in the way is honestly kind of selfish in my opinion. Some is better than none!

But there it is I will get off my soap box.

Reason for this post: I feel shorted on my birthing experience. I wish I would have waited to be induced and been kept more closely monitored. I wish I could have gotten into the tub. And I wish our town had midwives in it. Possibly the reason midwives is getting moved to a doctorate program is because I swore when I was younger no matter what I majored in I was going to get my doctorate. God is just pushing me along. And there is a need for midwives in our area.

Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see. Jessica, CMW and avid breast feeding endorser (possible Lactation consultant as well!!)

Dreaming big here folks. I cannot wait to help deliver a baby.

Bump

First my sister let me know the picture didn't post yesterday, it should be there today!

Secondly, it is SO hard leaving the house at 530 to drop Matthew off to my mom's by 6 so I can make it to work at 630. He looks at me and cries when I move him and struggles to reach for me as I am putting him in his car seat. Breaks my heart. I don't think God intended for us to have to be working mom's lol. On that note, I do love my job but would love it even more if I could work 9-5.

And finally the reason of this post, I have a lumpy bump behind my right ear. Pretty sure it is swollen lymph node, but it is sore from me touching it so much. Friend that is into hollistic care said it feels plugged, and showed me how to massage it. Pretty sure that made it worse. Have been applying tea tree oil in case it is just a pimple that is deep and doesn't have a head yet.

If it doesn't go away by Friday, I am calling my doctor because of two reasons. 1) I know a lady that discovered her lymphoma by watching a swollen lymph node. 2) Mom confirmed for me that my cousin M (the one that lived with us for awhile) also had this happen (in the same spot) and they removed it to biopsy to make sure it wasn't cancer.

So there you have it, small fear for a big God, right? Oiy! The thoughts from this could go a thousand different ways. And you can imagine many of them would make me sad to think about. But I am choosing joy and believing this bump is going to go away.

9 months old

This comes a little late, as he is now 9.5 months old. But alas, I have done photos newborn, 3, 6, and now 9 months. Will do more at 12 months. And then probably 18 months as well.

Anyways. Our little butterball started army crawling like 3 weeks ago, then a week ago figured out regular crawling, but dragging one of his legs instead of using both (I actually asked James if he thought he needed PT it looked so funky). NOW he has started bear crawling at times, and has figured out how to quickly crawl using both knees to propel himself. He is pulling himself up on things and letting go and just standing there for a couple of seconds before he freaks out and remembers hey I'm not holding onto anything, or loses his balance.

He now says momma, Dada, attempts to say jack and is now meowing back at the cats. It is so gosh darn cute! He also loves to dance. He shakes his head and does liked full body thrusts lol. I have been trying to teach him to wave his arms while dancing, but instead he usually dances more or claps at me. He will wave bye-bye to daddy and occasionally to others, but not momma...it makes him too sad when I leave!

He will eat anything under the son, even though he only has 2 bottom teeth. I gave him a piece of red pepper to chew on and he bit chunks off and ate them much to my surprise. And was "nummmm, ummmm, nummm"-ing the whole time. I have allowed him to try ice cream, he is hilarious with a cone. My sister says he is going to suffocate himself in the ice cream by the way he face plants into the vanilla deliciousness. I told her I have never heard of death by ice cream cone ;-)

I should clarify before I talk about his weight, I do not give him excessive amounts of sweets or table foods in general. He still is breast fed, and when with me sometimes he skips eating anything for lunch and just nurses instead. So I am NOT overfeeding my son, and yes I know "he is such a big boy" I get this from everyone at first when they see him, except for women that have breast fed their babies and say "oh he reminds me of my son at that age!"

OK got that off my shoulders, I weighed him last Friday. By doing the whole me hold him weigh us, then weigh myself. It said he weighed 29lbs exactly!! I was SHOCKED. We thought he was maintaining, but must be he just grew some. I have this little butterball turkey that loves his momma SO much!

This is the only picture we have gotten to see from our photo shoot, so more will be to come...every time I look at it I am amazed by how blue his eyes are!

My Crazy Cycle

Well no worries about shortened LP really because CD17 and ovulation hasn't happened yet. Pretty sure my cycles are just going to be wonky. It is what it is. Have been exhausted lately so I am thinking my cycles don't really know what in the heck they want to do!

Which honestly is fine by me.

Finances are cruddy at the moment, and James is so very unhappy with his position at work.

His boss has at least one inappropriate photo on the work computer (that they both use), we suspect a drinking problem, and he talks crap about James one minute but then confirms the company would struggle without him. *palm to face*

They gave him a raise and a promotion. His boss acted like it was WONDERFUL. Too much even. But then we find out after all of James's overtime (he works 45-50 hours a week) he still makes 25,000 less than his boss. And the only difference is Manager and Assistant Manager. Not much difference in responsibility. Just boggles my mind the whole situation.

SO he is applying for another position elsewhere that would allow him to jump in both feet to selling produce and being out in the fields like his heart yearns for.

Wow, that was really off my original topic but all is well.

Hope you are having a wonderful day!!

Baby Fever

Oiy, baby fever and clinical hasn't even started yet. Reading about babies and things to do with labor and delivery...oh my.

I would love to get pregnant. To go through another normal pregnancy, but this time with the ability to go into labor at home, by myself. To experience my water breaking, without it being broke. Being able to labor without monitors for awhile to see if I could deliver without epidural.

Not that the epidural was bad, being unable to move much...it was WONDERFUL. It allowed me a nap.

I am still waiting to ovulate. And sex has been unplanned but happening pretty much every other day since Matthew is now in his own crib for the beginning of the night. Which is quite lovely. Sex in our bed whenever we want....quite fantastic :-)

On the weight front, I am down to 202.8 from 208 (yes I had gained...). Really need to lose that last 10lbs. And quickly because an alert resident at work asked me when my baby was due. lol :-O granted I had tons of things in my pockets. But still. At least I can say oh my son is 9 months old instead of feeling sad and responding, "nope no baby here."

I hope to use this baby fever to be what pushes me to get back to counting calories and my biggest loser DVDs. And jogging.

Before snow flies or the leaves turn colors.

On other note, Matthew is now 9 months old. He is 26lbs, he can crawl, pull himself up, and walk around holding onto the couch, his table toy, etc. He is growing up too quickly. His hair on another hand, is determined to not grow. :-) but his eyes are determined to stay blue. He is beautiful, though he is cranky quite often when not being entertained.

Here is my butterball.