Update From the Dr. and Weekend Festivities

Friday I had my last Dr.'s appointment, I brought my Cytotec and pain meds just in case. But so incredibly thankful that I didn't have to endure another dosage of that horrible medicine. She felt like it was fine to no do, because of the dramatic drop in my hormones. On a side note I've decided that is what is causing all of my headaches lately. I've had a migraine too, it was horrible, I never have them!

She looked at me and kind of chuckled with a sly smile and said, "Do you have your list of questions?" haha she already has me pegged. When replying, "I have a few." She responded with a, "I kind of figured you would, so go ahead!" We talked about PCOS and if I needed to followup with any testing. She feels like if I have some of the symptoms and with previous Dr thinking I have it that further testing isn't really necessary. From here we moved on to the subject of insulin and the possibility of having to do some glucose testing, much like the test for gestational diabetes because with PCOS you have a higher chance of getting Type 2 diabetes. I forgot to ask about getting testing to figure out my clotting disorder. But that has to wait until my blood work comes back as no longer pregnant.

After talk of blood work, I double checked the time line of when we can start trying again. She told me because of how level headed I seemed dealing with this one (meaning that she doesn't see any abnormal signs of depression lol) that after two cycles we could start trying again. Two because the first one is usually wacky. And the second one should be normal. Plus it will be nice to have a month off of not taking temps or dealing with OPKs. After that I have to start with baby aspirin a few days after ovulation so that if I do conceive baby will not get a clot in the developing placenta and such that stops the baby from growing.

Saturday was filled with activities that I wasn't looking much forward to because I just wanted a lazy day with my husband. Soon! Waiting on the house....*sigh* Saturday had it's good points and poor points. Laura was a beautiful bride, even if a little unorganized. Missy's birthday dinner was delicious, even if it was quite a bit later than expected.

As for now we are at church...and I need to get off this computer. More later.

Bitter Sweet

Today I got my test results for my hcg, it has dropped down to 87.4. Which means most likely no D&C wahoo! Yet, part of me cannot help but long and feel sad at the same time. What a thing to be excited about? That my pregnancy is ending without surgical help, yay! Notice the sarcasm here, I am feeling so down and trying to get into an even closer relationship with God because I know that will help. Yet, I cannot help but still long to hold my little bundle of joy, who's life ended before it even got a chance to begin. I am so happy to know I will see my child again in heaven.

Lacking Motivation

So, it's 10:00PM and I have homework due at midnight. I have absolutely no motivation right now. Today I experienced some cramps that almost had me asking to go home. Around 5pm I discovered why this was. I passed the "tissue" that the doctors always talk about. Meaning the sac of my baby. How sad and depressing it was sitting in the work bathroom seeing this. Life goes on, but it's too bad I cannot put it on hold. Homework is tugging at me, work is draining me, and I have no time to relax this weekend. Laura is getting married Saturday and James plays drums Sunday. I just want a day to relax with my husband, to cuddle and forget about the rest of the world for a little bit. Forget about bills from my two babies that are now in heaven. Oh my heart is broken. I cannot explain how much I just want to curl up and cry away a day. I am hurting and ready to be healed from this pain. Hopefully my hcg will have dropped to a no longer pregnant level and life can continue more normally as I heal. I do NOT want to have to go through cytotec again, or have to have a D&C.

While I have all these things on my mind, and yet more tears running down my cheeks....I have to go b.s. my way through homework. *sigh* Life goes on, even when you wish it would pause just enough time for you to take a relaxing moment to breath.

Pressured or Called to Be a Mommy?

This is something I have been wanting to write about for awhile. I called a friend from church to update her on what's been going on in my beautiful mess of a life. To let her know what was going on with the miscarriage and to talk about how my heart is going through the wringer again and while it doesn't seem fair I know God will use it. Be it for my future children when they lose a pregnancy, a close friend, or to more people than I can imagine. I know God is with me even though sometimes I don't even want to talk to Him because I am so angry about having to go through this again.

At one point after sympathizing and comforting me. She asked me if James and I felt pressured to have kids, Because we are still so young. My heart cried out and answered this one, making it hard to keep back tears. I explained to her about how I've always known I want to be a mom. I told her about my little sister being born when I was in eighth grade, my mom working a weird second/third shift, and my uninvolved father.

She mentioned to me that I still have schooling I want to finish. I told her that while I know high school is easier than college, while JoAnna was growing up I was "Mommy Jess." I learned how to hold a baby, feed her, and do my homework. I managed to graduate with Academic Excellence and even got All As one year. I only took study hall one semester. I know that I can do it and have the determination to be a mommy while going to school.

She explained to me that she went through a similar experience when she was growing up, only it did the opposite it made her crave time to just be a couple when married. And how it probably would be easier if we waited until I was done with school. I caught what she was saying, and I explained to her how last mother's day was SO hard for me. Every inch of my being calls out to be a mom. And that I thought the pain of being childless greatly surpassed the struggles of being a parent while going to school. I told her, it might sound crazy but that's where my heart is at. It hasn't changed. I'm meant to be a mom. She answered, "No it doesn't sound crazy at all. It sounds like it is embedded into your being and in your heart more than it was with me. I have no doubt you will be a great mom when it happens for you." That just opened the floodgates even more.

I really thought this pregnancy was going to be it. But I'm also finding it very fitting that the time we will be able to try again should be in May, the month of Mother's Day.

I've kept a text from a close friend since last Mother's Day. She saw the raw emotions that I was experiencing. It was so hard being at church that day, I scooted out as soon as possible. Her text meant so much to me. It said, "I wanted to tell you happy mother's day and give you a big hug. You are a mom to so many kids, you are full of love and put their needs first. Love you - enjoy today, as it does pertain to you too." It felt so good to be acknowledged. Just like it feels good when kids tell me at work they wish I was their mommy.

As I sit here with multiple tissues already been used, and tears still trying to flow from my eyes. I continue to think of hope. Of being a mommy, of the next time I see a positive pregnancy test. I am praying for May or June because then I will find out about being pregnant before the time our first baby would have been due. Our God is SO good, and though it is sometimes hard to seek Him in the hard times. Doing so reminds us that in our weakness He makes us strong.

Blood Work and Emotions

Well I got some good news today that normally wouldn't be considered as good news to most. My beta hCG came back at 304.3. It has dropped significantly from the 14th when it was 3926.6. My research online shows the reason that they are now testing me every 48 hours is to make sure that it falls at least 50% every two days, if it doesn't there is probably residual tissue from the baby still inside my uterus. WHICH would mean another dose of the Cytotec Friday inserted by the Dr. I am anticipating another ultrasound Friday to see what is going on inside of me.

It's so sad, I am so ready to be off of this roller coaster. I don't know what it will be like when I am no longer pregnant and grieving for my baby. I know some moments it hits me hard and all I can do is cry out to God and bawl my eyes out. Other times it's like, I have this crazy peace that tells me everything will be Okay. I know everything will work out as God plans. Yet, sometimes it does not help this process I am going through. Inserting those pills into myself made me think of all of those women that take plan B or go for abortions. It made me so angry. How is it that so many have to go through this lose and have to try so hard for babies....those women that will make amazing parents. But it seems like many get pregnant on accident or without trying too hard and later do not realize what a blessing they have received from God.

I vow to be a great mommy. But for now I have to focus on being a good wife, sister, aunt, cousin, student, and just follow God. My heart is aching, it is so hard going to work and getting out of bed. Having to see pregnant bellies, knowing those that got pregnant the same time as me (both times...*sigh*) are going to see there children in either July or September. I have to wait until I get to heaven, and I can tell you it pushes me to be a better person, because I cannot wait for that day. My heart is in heaven, even if my body is here on Earth.

Worst Pain Imaginable, and Needing to Call the Dr.

A half hour after posting my last blog the pain intensified and I cannot fully explain the pain that I felt. I started getting hot, and then felt cold with sweat still on forehead. I was balmy and in so much pain. The pain was throughout my lower pelvic area. It was then I started passing clots. From there I sat on toilet thinking I was going to puke from pain and leaned head on the wall and felt like I would pass out. I was shaking and James felt lost I think. He said my eyes were black and my face was white as a ghost. I laid on the couch breathing in through nose and out through mouth. I switched the heating pad between back and abdomen. It hurt so incredibly bad.

Now, bleeding hasn't began as what I had expected. Cramps aren't that bad. I haven't taken any pain meds since 530 this morning. Next step will be 4 Cytotec by mouth. IF that doesn't work, another 4 vaginally at Dr.'s office Monday. If THAT doesn't work D&C will follow later this week. I have to call Dr. now. To see what on call has to say. I am exhausted, feel like I haven't slept.

Be praying, because I am scared. I know God is with me. But pain was so intense and I do not want to go to OR. Laura's wedding is this weekend and I am not sure I am going to be ok to even go.

Cytotec Makes it Begin

There have been so many emotions and thoughts I have wanted to write down. At this present time I cannot remember any of them. I inserted my 4 pills at 1045 this morning. And now starting to get cramps that felt like the worst of miscarriage…and not even bleeding hard yet. To describe how bad the cramps are supposed to get…I was prescribed both Motrin 800 and Tylenol 3 with codeine. I’m supposed to alternate them. First Motrin was at 930, first Tylenol at 145, second Motrin at 330. Now, I am currently sitting here with a heating pad on my tummy. Thinking about how hopefully the next time I am in this much pain it will be because my cervix is dilating and thinning to have a little baby that I will get to hold.

Taboo or Insensitive Comments?

It seems to me that the online community has gotten it right being open about more things than you are with close friends and even family. Why is it that some things are so taboo? Why is it that I feel like miscarriage seems to be something women have swept under a rug and pretend that it doesn’t happen that often? Or that it doesn’t hurt? It doesn’t make sense to me. And if it’s not specifically taboo, then there has to be another reason. I think the reason that it is not talked about is how friends and families react to the hurting woman. My heart cries out daily at the thought of my loss. I don’t know how many speechless replies I have gotten, whether they are via text or face to face. Hint: do not be speechless! Give a hug; say I’m so sorry for your loss; I’m here for you. Tell me you are praying. Do NOT say you understand if you haven’t been through it, and do not be unsympathetic if you haven’t been through it. Because knowing someone has had a miscarriage will make you turn to them if you ever experience the same thing. If it’s not speechlessness, maybe instead it is the insensitive comments. Hint: Do NOT say get over it. Or you can try again soon. The loss is real. If you are a mom or a parent…imagine losing your child. But the good thing is you have memories and pictures. Women that loose their child in the womb have dreams that will never be filled and the ache of empty arms and the missing feeling of not being a mother, especially if they do not have a child yet. And further more, if you know that someone is trying to conceive do not ask them every month if they have been successful yet. It’s another thing to tell them you are praying.

Experiencing two miscarriages makes life so hard. You see so many happy little families that do not seem grateful for their blessing. You see so many more pregnant bellies, and your heart aches whenever going past the baby aisle in any store. To add to this, the same thing is when you are trying to conceive. Every month a negative pregnancy test or your period comes your feel like a failure; your heart breaks more and more each month. Especially as the want to be a mother gets greater and greater. Add even further to this is both of these women on Mother’s Day. It is the worst day in a woman’s life who wants to be a mother but isn’t yet. Sit through sermons of praise for women with children, as you sit there reminded of your ache and empty arms. It hits you right in your face. As do the comments of other mom’s complaining about their lives. Don’t blatantly complain about changing poopy diapers, being tired from lack of sleep, having to take children to daycare, the cost of children, or losing time being a couple. Because I will tell you what, I will graciously trade you this pain I am going through for the “inconvenience” of having a child. I am TIRED of taking temps every morning, working at a daycare and having kids accidently call me mommy on occasion. I am SICK of paying for more tests and medicine to try to make a pregnancy stick. And I would love to experience being a family with a child rather than just a couple. Sorry that was my vent on that.

It’s not that I want to not hear you update me about your life, I understand they are your struggles. What I am trying to say is be sensitive. It’s a slap in the face hearing women complain about things when it adds to your pain because it makes you so angry and hurt. There is so much more I could say and add to this, but I am trying to filter and have said enough. My heart is aching and tired. Yet, I will remain hopeful. The pain of having a miscarriage does not overpower the hope and dreams of being a mother.

Hormones making me Blah.

So I had blood work done Friday. My hcg beta was only 3900ish. Meaning in two weeks it hadn't even doubled. If they had continued testing my heart wouldn't have had to go through the waiting and wondering. Just the pain of waiting for my miscarriage to start (which is where I am at still...seems my body is crazy and doesn't know if wants to be pregnant still or miscarry. I am spotting and cramping. I have increased sense of smell and increased distaste to foods. I have this funky metallic taste in my mouth. I'm a horrid mess).

To top everything off James and I were lying in bed talking last night when I started laughing and then crying like a flip of a switch and didn't know why. We've talked about how maybe we should probably wait until I am done with school before we are trying again. Or mostly done with classes, though I don't know if I want to go through this pain again when in school.

Sadness and the Goodness of God

Last night my trip to Meijer showed me the truth in this pregnancy. I wasn't late for meds this time, but I still bled with cramping and small clots. This pregnancy is going to end in miscarriage and I am going to have another baby in heaven. It makes James and I talk about how we need to wait. And makes my heart so much sadder because the timing of this child was going to be perfect for school timing, even though we hadn't figured out maternity leave and all of that jazz. Now, with having to wait until probably March or April to try again, which brings the time of delivery right before or during my first semester of Nursing (praying I get in). Looks like unless we choose to have a child while in school it will be another 2-2.5 years before I have another child growing inside of me. I am so incredibly sad when I think about the loss.

Yet, I also have to remind myself that God knows everything. My pain, and the reasons for this. It is keeping my hope alive, because He knows what is best for me and what the ultimate plan in my life is.

Pessimistic Doctors and Hopeful Prayers

Today I had the ultrasound early. Yesterday I forgot to take my progesterone til it was 3.5 hours after scheduled time. 2 hours later after a bowel moment I had reddish-pink blood spotting. I laid down and no more happened until this morning with another bowel moment, this time is was pinkish-brown spotting. I am kind of crampy too, so it is a scary place to be. The ultrasound didn't show much growth, and no heartbeat. I am still keeping hope and continuing on for another week. Praying for more growth and visible heartbeat.

The doctor tried getting me to go off of lovenox because of "minimal growth, cramping, and spotting chances of losing this baby is very high" when I told her I'd prefer not to and give this baby a chance. Told her that I refuse to go off of lovenox until I am going off from my progesterone also, due to the fact of blood clot from birth control in past. She told me reasons she wished for me to go off was because of increase amt of bleeding, and finally agreed we could wait one more week, and stay on lovenox. Her conclusion to make it ok was because, "there's really not much there to pass anyways." I looked at her and tears started to flow. That is my baby. 6 weeks old, and I cannot protect or help his or her growth in any way. It's frustrating and scary. I told her about how I heard that heartbeats sometimes aren't visible until 7 or 8 weeks and would prefer to give my baby a chance. Finally she softened a little bit and said, "Though that isn't often the case. One more week won't hurt, and it will help you to know that the baby truly isn't viable."

I am staying hopeful and positive. I still have the baby within me growing, even if it is a little slower. Hopefully next week thursday will give better results.

Praying yet still Anxious

Sunday I had a little bit of pink on my toilet paper. It was a very stressful day. I asked our pastor and a friend to be praying for us. I am so hopeful though, because though I have had some cramps, there isn't any more pink today. Four more days and I will get to see my baby again. I am excited and hopeful. Trying to stay positive and remember God is in control! And He is an AMAZING God capable of SO many things. Nothing is impossible for Him. I am leaning on scripture and claiming it in Jesus' name. Still nervous, it is so hard not to be with past miscarriage.

Will keep you posted, keep praying! I am anxious and full of hope.

My Family

I am so upset, my mom looked into my purse saw my medicine bottle that said, "Take until 12 weeks of pregnancy" I was PISSED. I cannot believe she snooped. SO because of my yelling at her, my sisters now know and I showed them the ultrasound photos. To which my mother said, "That is it?" Bastards. I cannot believe them.

 Update on ultrasound, they didn't see a heartbeat, but I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week Friday. Hope they can see it because now everyone here is excited (and James was more excited then me when showing ultrasound pics).

Not good for relaxing. Quite upset and need to relax.
Jessica

It's FRIDAY

Eight and a half hours til my ultrasound. James and I are going to be SO sleepy. My lunch is packed and I am about to get in the shower. VERY anxious, praying a lot, I had lots of cramping today on and off mostly on my right side. I think I over did it a little with lifting too because back is a little sore.

Say a prayer for me!
Jessica

Anxious, Waiting, and Praying

Friday cannot come quick enough saw another friend's post of her ultrasound dating her at 6weeks, with a due date of September 1st. Praying God lets such thing happy for James and I. I cannot wait to see our child and then End of August/Beginning September meet him or her. It is going to be an amazing surprise finding out the sex of the child as they are born. God is Good and hears my prayer, I keep reminding myself of these things. 36 hours and I will get to see the little baby that is inside my belly!

Hopeful and Excited

Friday I got my test results, the best news of 2010. My hCG levels had doubled. Which is AMAZING news. I have gotten brave, having faith that I will get to hold this child in my arms, and have started a journal for this little one. Update and writing about this journey of pregnancy and probably throughout his or her life. I plan on giving it to them when they are having a child of their own or when time seems fitting. I love this little bundle of joy so much already and I haven't even seen him or her on an ultrasound. BUT that isn't much longer til then.

This morning I got a phone call from Dr. office, told me levels were looking good and to not repeat any more blood tests because an ultrasound would be far more reliable. SO James and I get to see our little one (and hopefully see a strong heartbeat!) Friday morning at 830. I am so excited and feeling so blessed. This sleepiness, constipation, and moodiness I am feeling is nothing compared to the blessing that I will feel when I get to see my child for the first time and hold him or her. It brings tears to my eyes to thing that after all the heartache of losing our first child God swooped in and said OK, you are ready. I don't know when we conceived, honestly didn't think it was going to happen so fast.

Praying for God's blessings and healing hands on myself and baby as we continue throughout this pregnancy. I have a BIG GOD that hears my prayers, so I have faith. :-)


Thank you Jesus, for giving me eternal life that I plan on passing down to our children.