Pressured or Called to Be a Mommy?

This is something I have been wanting to write about for awhile. I called a friend from church to update her on what's been going on in my beautiful mess of a life. To let her know what was going on with the miscarriage and to talk about how my heart is going through the wringer again and while it doesn't seem fair I know God will use it. Be it for my future children when they lose a pregnancy, a close friend, or to more people than I can imagine. I know God is with me even though sometimes I don't even want to talk to Him because I am so angry about having to go through this again.

At one point after sympathizing and comforting me. She asked me if James and I felt pressured to have kids, Because we are still so young. My heart cried out and answered this one, making it hard to keep back tears. I explained to her about how I've always known I want to be a mom. I told her about my little sister being born when I was in eighth grade, my mom working a weird second/third shift, and my uninvolved father.

She mentioned to me that I still have schooling I want to finish. I told her that while I know high school is easier than college, while JoAnna was growing up I was "Mommy Jess." I learned how to hold a baby, feed her, and do my homework. I managed to graduate with Academic Excellence and even got All As one year. I only took study hall one semester. I know that I can do it and have the determination to be a mommy while going to school.

She explained to me that she went through a similar experience when she was growing up, only it did the opposite it made her crave time to just be a couple when married. And how it probably would be easier if we waited until I was done with school. I caught what she was saying, and I explained to her how last mother's day was SO hard for me. Every inch of my being calls out to be a mom. And that I thought the pain of being childless greatly surpassed the struggles of being a parent while going to school. I told her, it might sound crazy but that's where my heart is at. It hasn't changed. I'm meant to be a mom. She answered, "No it doesn't sound crazy at all. It sounds like it is embedded into your being and in your heart more than it was with me. I have no doubt you will be a great mom when it happens for you." That just opened the floodgates even more.

I really thought this pregnancy was going to be it. But I'm also finding it very fitting that the time we will be able to try again should be in May, the month of Mother's Day.

I've kept a text from a close friend since last Mother's Day. She saw the raw emotions that I was experiencing. It was so hard being at church that day, I scooted out as soon as possible. Her text meant so much to me. It said, "I wanted to tell you happy mother's day and give you a big hug. You are a mom to so many kids, you are full of love and put their needs first. Love you - enjoy today, as it does pertain to you too." It felt so good to be acknowledged. Just like it feels good when kids tell me at work they wish I was their mommy.

As I sit here with multiple tissues already been used, and tears still trying to flow from my eyes. I continue to think of hope. Of being a mommy, of the next time I see a positive pregnancy test. I am praying for May or June because then I will find out about being pregnant before the time our first baby would have been due. Our God is SO good, and though it is sometimes hard to seek Him in the hard times. Doing so reminds us that in our weakness He makes us strong.