Blood Work and Emotions

Well I got some good news today that normally wouldn't be considered as good news to most. My beta hCG came back at 304.3. It has dropped significantly from the 14th when it was 3926.6. My research online shows the reason that they are now testing me every 48 hours is to make sure that it falls at least 50% every two days, if it doesn't there is probably residual tissue from the baby still inside my uterus. WHICH would mean another dose of the Cytotec Friday inserted by the Dr. I am anticipating another ultrasound Friday to see what is going on inside of me.

It's so sad, I am so ready to be off of this roller coaster. I don't know what it will be like when I am no longer pregnant and grieving for my baby. I know some moments it hits me hard and all I can do is cry out to God and bawl my eyes out. Other times it's like, I have this crazy peace that tells me everything will be Okay. I know everything will work out as God plans. Yet, sometimes it does not help this process I am going through. Inserting those pills into myself made me think of all of those women that take plan B or go for abortions. It made me so angry. How is it that so many have to go through this lose and have to try so hard for babies....those women that will make amazing parents. But it seems like many get pregnant on accident or without trying too hard and later do not realize what a blessing they have received from God.

I vow to be a great mommy. But for now I have to focus on being a good wife, sister, aunt, cousin, student, and just follow God. My heart is aching, it is so hard going to work and getting out of bed. Having to see pregnant bellies, knowing those that got pregnant the same time as me (both times...*sigh*) are going to see there children in either July or September. I have to wait until I get to heaven, and I can tell you it pushes me to be a better person, because I cannot wait for that day. My heart is in heaven, even if my body is here on Earth.