School....
I suck at school lately. Or mostly the studying part. But somehow I have a B overall in the class. My next test is Thursday and I haven't read half of the chapters. But I plan on studying with a friend today and tomorrow. It should help me a bunch.
TTC...
My boobies have been sore lately, normal PMS/post ovulation OR could it be?
I have been exhausted as well, but that is a normal thing for me as well with my cycle.
I looked back on cycles where I was pregnant and the only things similar is pure exhaustion, sore bbs, and irritability. Which overlap with most cycles in general!
I hate that I have allowed hope to creep in. The fact that I think that I am probably pregnant, and have been thinking this since we BD'd around Ovulation. How many times have I allowed this delusional thought? Once I just knew in my heart...with my first pregnancy, is this cycle the same? Or is it simply wishful thinking?
TTC makes me crazy even when we are NT/NP...more like Trying without Medical help. Which is the only way I have gotten pregnant thus far, but also the ways that I have miscarried.
Other Shiz Nits...
My sister Missy's birthday was the 26th so we had a get together Saturday with friends. Game night. It was fun. Yummy fizzy punch (champagne, sherbert, and vernors). Loaded Questions and Imaginiff (fun board games!). Attempt at making Chex Mix (I burnt it).
Sunday early afternoon we had brunch with my family for my sister's birthday. Monkey Bread and homemade Egg McMuffins.
Then some cranky times between James and I over our messy messy house. Luckily, my wonderful family helped me clean.
THEN I found knits in my cousin's hair and made me feel nasty and itchy all over. I made my sister's check my hair like 3x that day. For anyone's future reference, if you have to deal with lice...blow dry the hair, then get a high heat ceramic straightener and kill those puppies with the highest setting. I am not even kidding I set mine at 400-450 degrees and straightened her hair twice over. When my mother got home to pick the nasty buggers out, guess what? The fell out due to being dead. No joke. Muahahahaha (evil laugh). NASTY. So needless to say, regardless of no evidence of lice being found in my hair...straight hair is the style of choice.
Later Sunday we had family dinner at 3 with James' side. It was so much fun. At one point I was on all fours playing with my nieces when all 3 decided they wanted a piggy back ride, so I gave a piggy back ride to all three at the same time. Then my nephew was jealous so they made room for him. I definitely got an arm work out. lol It was quite the sight I am sure, but it was so much fun. I played with little Molli who is a year and a half, she is such a petite little doll. And Audrey and Graysi are growing up too fast. OH and we found out SIL is having another GIRL! Woohoo! She is much more excited now and has names the little one Linsey (sp). She wanted a name that was 6 letters long and had a Y in it like the other girls. Isn't that cute :-)
Bed time for this not so wonder woman. Lets face it: I cannot do it all. I cannot manage the cleaning, work, and school.
Oh and work? They have been ridiculous after asking to be scheduled 4-6 days they have scheduled me for 9 days, and those who pick up days for me 9 or 10 days. Leaving me SCREWED. In March I will have been there long enough to get FMLA. Not gonna lie thought about getting a doctors note for anxiety to only get scheduled 4x a week, or *maybe* just *maybe* I will get pregnant and get FMLA for that. Wouldn't that be WONDERFUL? On both accounts. I would be allowed sick time without the consequences of points, and experience the joy of pregnancy.
I cannot wait to tell you all I am pregnant again. To see a beating heart on the screen of the ultra sound. To see the joy on my husband's face. To see those magical two pink lines. Gah...dreaming so I might as well be sleeping.
♥ Jess
Often things strike my heart and want to come bursting forth. They come spilling out onto the page, or computer screen. With ink filling pages or my fingers flying across the keyboard, my mind going a million miles a minute, and my heart crying out to be heard. Here is where you’ll find those things, my little notes on life.
Little Bit About Me
- Jess
- First and foremost, I am a Christian woman: I love Jesus! In this blog you will find stories of trying to conceive with PCOS, MTHFR, Poor egg quality, a unicornuate uteterus, and too many babies in heaven. It is a good thing God is the ultimate healer! Here you will find praise! and you may also find venting (I'm not perfect...) and you will find other stories of my crazy life. All the while through this journey I am holding on to scripture & hoping to one day be a mother here on Earth (waiting on God & His perfect timing...why am I so impatient?) But in the meantime, here you will find me: Jessica, loving wife, hopeful heart of a mother, and faithful friend.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
1st Exam and an Intentional Meeting.
Well my 1st exam was done yesterday. Fairly certain I got 6 out of 30 wrong, but with a point from collaborative testing I should have 25/30. Giving me an 83% Now before celebrating, an 83% in the nursing program is a C+. You read that right. C freaking PLUS. Not a B or a B- but a C+. Translation: you minimally passed! Congrats! UGH. Next time I will be hitting the books harder than ever and planning on getting at least a B.
As for intentional meeting? Godly intervention might be a better term for it.
After class I sat in the nursing lab talking to a woman in her final semester of nursing school. She warned us that the teacher I have signed up for my next class has the highest fail rate (gulp) and that that class is the hardest one she thought the whole nursing program (double gulp). But she told me we can do it.
She made it through that class with that teacher in spite of the fact that she delivered her daughter by c-section midway through the semester. See she had endured infertility and all of the crazy treatments for 10 years, along with three miscarriages around 2 and a half months. Before she got her acceptance letter they tried one more injectible cycle with IUI. BFN. She got her acceptance letter, submitted paperwork, and guess what? Unmedicated cycle...BFP. She essentially told me not to give up, to continue pursuing tests and treatments if we can afford it (sadly, we cannot at this point in time...).
BUT I did get some other good news, I am only going to be going to school 3x a week instead of 4 for the last half of the semester. Meaning I can pick up one additional day probably! woohoo! Which will definitely help the budget.
Also, I got to thinking about money. And I think that my ultimate goal is to do an IUI cycle before 2012 is done. Probably June or July is my goal as of now. Depending on how quick we get things paid off and use the snow ball affect (from Dave Ramsey!) to pay off bigger debts (not super concerned with car, house payment, or student loans, but it will be AMAZING when all of that debt is G.O.N.E.)
For example: (showing our crazy bills here...don't judge!) We will have JBR paid off in February. That is $50 a month. With taxes/refund check for school we plan on paying: small loan completely paid off - $45/month. other people that will not affect into savings, and 1,000 or so on bigger loan, leaving 1,100 to pay off (115/month) Plus one of my student loans should be deferred soon and that is $85. So if we snow ball what we already paid off (or won't be paying on) that is 180 additional towards the bigger loan. Making it 295. almost 300 dollars, meaning it would be paid off in 4 months or less! Which would mean April. Which would give us a couple months to pay towards things in my best friends wedding, then savings time for an IUI cycle. So hypothetically August we could do an IUI cycle. Which would be AMAZING. After one IUI cycle we need to work on paying off our car loan. Which is 200 a month, if we are able to pay $500 a month holy Moses will I be a happy woman!
2012 if it isn't the year of healthy pregnancy it WILL be the year of bettering our finances. And hopefully our house (we need new windows and a new doors for heating purposes). AND I am going to be more intentional with our tithing. We will not slack this year, because after all if it wasn't for God I would have NOTHING that I currently have: a loving husband, an inviting comfortable home, amazing sisters, a great immediate family, opportunity in the nursing program, and crazy (in a good way!) friends. I truly am blessed.
As for intentional meeting? Godly intervention might be a better term for it.
After class I sat in the nursing lab talking to a woman in her final semester of nursing school. She warned us that the teacher I have signed up for my next class has the highest fail rate (gulp) and that that class is the hardest one she thought the whole nursing program (double gulp). But she told me we can do it.
She made it through that class with that teacher in spite of the fact that she delivered her daughter by c-section midway through the semester. See she had endured infertility and all of the crazy treatments for 10 years, along with three miscarriages around 2 and a half months. Before she got her acceptance letter they tried one more injectible cycle with IUI. BFN. She got her acceptance letter, submitted paperwork, and guess what? Unmedicated cycle...BFP. She essentially told me not to give up, to continue pursuing tests and treatments if we can afford it (sadly, we cannot at this point in time...).
BUT I did get some other good news, I am only going to be going to school 3x a week instead of 4 for the last half of the semester. Meaning I can pick up one additional day probably! woohoo! Which will definitely help the budget.
Also, I got to thinking about money. And I think that my ultimate goal is to do an IUI cycle before 2012 is done. Probably June or July is my goal as of now. Depending on how quick we get things paid off and use the snow ball affect (from Dave Ramsey!) to pay off bigger debts (not super concerned with car, house payment, or student loans, but it will be AMAZING when all of that debt is G.O.N.E.)
For example: (showing our crazy bills here...don't judge!) We will have JBR paid off in February. That is $50 a month. With taxes/refund check for school we plan on paying: small loan completely paid off - $45/month. other people that will not affect into savings, and 1,000 or so on bigger loan, leaving 1,100 to pay off (115/month) Plus one of my student loans should be deferred soon and that is $85. So if we snow ball what we already paid off (or won't be paying on) that is 180 additional towards the bigger loan. Making it 295. almost 300 dollars, meaning it would be paid off in 4 months or less! Which would mean April. Which would give us a couple months to pay towards things in my best friends wedding, then savings time for an IUI cycle. So hypothetically August we could do an IUI cycle. Which would be AMAZING. After one IUI cycle we need to work on paying off our car loan. Which is 200 a month, if we are able to pay $500 a month holy Moses will I be a happy woman!
2012 if it isn't the year of healthy pregnancy it WILL be the year of bettering our finances. And hopefully our house (we need new windows and a new doors for heating purposes). AND I am going to be more intentional with our tithing. We will not slack this year, because after all if it wasn't for God I would have NOTHING that I currently have: a loving husband, an inviting comfortable home, amazing sisters, a great immediate family, opportunity in the nursing program, and crazy (in a good way!) friends. I truly am blessed.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Exam in an hour
Super nervous. Keep thinking about what I should have studied more. Here is to hoping I have time to print out study guide I typed up and review a few more things before exam.
Wish me luck and say a prayer! God please guide my thoughts and responses to these test questions. Allow me to be critically thinking and fully alert to the topic in front of me. In Jesus' name...Amen!
Who is with me...the first tests in a class are always the hardest because you aren't 100% sure on what to expect. Good thing I have a big God who gave me good memory and a intellectual mind! :)
♥ thinking of all you lovelies. May God bless you today!
~Jess
Monday, January 23, 2012
Stress and Maybe Good News..?
Stress.
Stress headache. Stress induced anxiety. Stress induced eating. Stress induced procrastination.
I need to add exercise to my regular routine. It helps me have so many great endorphines flowing through my veins, and is such an amazing stress relief. But I am lazy. I need not to be. Which thinking about it adds more stress lol, I am such a mess!!
Maybe Good News?
I heard from my co-worker the person with the pool position (pick your own schedule) put in her two weeks. And she is the one that has been waiting for pool, but took the weekend only position because it wasn't looking like it was going to happen. IF she gets asked to take pool, she is going to, and then guess who will get the weekends only position? That's right: ME!!
It comes with pros and cons.
Pros - not stressing about school and having to switch days around at work so much because I will be home Sunday-Thursday. Being able to be home with M to make dinner nightly (and make sure he is truly home and not trying to go out and cause trouble...). Being able to see James when he gets home from work NIGHTLY!!
Cons - less time with James on the weekends. Crazy summers with cranky me due to missing out on things. Less hours at work scheduled...which is a pro and con. Pro for school, Con for finances.
I was looking at taxes, and it looks like we made more money than last year...which means less money back. BOO. I was hoping to be able to pay off loans and purchase things on our "we need but could wait" list and maybe a couple off the "I really want it but don't need it" list (including an IUI cycle...).
I got my hopes up on the first time home buyers tax credit, only to realize it was only extended through 2011 if you are in the military or a government worker. Seriously? So because we aren't in the military and don't work for any "military intelligence" agency we don't qualify. So STUPID, I wouldn't be upset if it was just military but to include those working in an agency is ridiculous. I worked taking care of the elderly, and James helped feed the chickens which provide eggs over a huge area of the US. We matter too! lol So there goes the hope of maybe getting the 8,000 back for that.
Do you know what a financial relief that would have been? Oh well, wish and want in one hand and...well you know the rest (if you don't I can fill you in haha). I should be thankful for what I have: the opportunity to go to school, having a job, my husband having a job with insurance, a warm house, a puppy dog that loves us, the opportunity to help M, and availability to good medical care (even if cost to help get pregnant is ridiculous!).
Which does lead me to another area...did you realize that you can claim costs to get pregnant (IUI, IVF, all medications) and pregnancy tests on your taxes in same area you add up your cost of prescriptions and medical bills and such. It just has to equal 7.5% or more of your AGI (adjusted gross income). Which sadly for us is like 4,000 this year. And I think we are going to be right around a thousand short. Which means we won't be able to itemize again this year after all.
Things going on this week:
Tuesday - exam 1 for RN program. I can only miss 5 questions else I fail. (eeeek)
Thursday - Court for finalized termination of N's Custody (same time as school...)
Friday - Follow up for all of my crazy test results
Saturday - Game night for my sister's birthday.
And then...
Sunday - Sister's B-day lunch and then James' family Christmas both at our house.
And I have to tell you something else in this huge book of a blog post....
Church has been helping me feel more thankful for our infertility and loss thus far. If we had a baby at this point we probably wouldn't have been able to help M. Especially due to day care costs and school, and Michigan's new law that you have to WORK 20 hours a week to get assistance. Even when your school tells you to work 10-15 hours at maximum to do best in your program. All because of those who abuse the system. :-(
Oh and M has been having chest pains but got dropped from insurance and we have to try to get him added to our insurance (which means we have to get custody/guardianship switched over =$150 that we don't really have at this point and time) OR get him to apply for state aid as an individual. Which should get him food stamps and insurance. Which would be pretty nice for the help. But he seems to think it would mean he could get snack food, soda, and expensive meat and sea food. :-( Which he could, because it would be in his name. But tell me how that would help with him eating meals with us (he does eat quite a bit...he is a growing teenage boy! Parents aren't kidding when they talk about how much teenage boys eat!)
Ok I am done, for real this time. Tylenol. Homework. Dinner. Nap. Studying. Cleaning....Life! *sigh*
Stress headache. Stress induced anxiety. Stress induced eating. Stress induced procrastination.
I need to add exercise to my regular routine. It helps me have so many great endorphines flowing through my veins, and is such an amazing stress relief. But I am lazy. I need not to be. Which thinking about it adds more stress lol, I am such a mess!!
Maybe Good News?
I heard from my co-worker the person with the pool position (pick your own schedule) put in her two weeks. And she is the one that has been waiting for pool, but took the weekend only position because it wasn't looking like it was going to happen. IF she gets asked to take pool, she is going to, and then guess who will get the weekends only position? That's right: ME!!
It comes with pros and cons.
Pros - not stressing about school and having to switch days around at work so much because I will be home Sunday-Thursday. Being able to be home with M to make dinner nightly (and make sure he is truly home and not trying to go out and cause trouble...). Being able to see James when he gets home from work NIGHTLY!!
Cons - less time with James on the weekends. Crazy summers with cranky me due to missing out on things. Less hours at work scheduled...which is a pro and con. Pro for school, Con for finances.
I was looking at taxes, and it looks like we made more money than last year...which means less money back. BOO. I was hoping to be able to pay off loans and purchase things on our "we need but could wait" list and maybe a couple off the "I really want it but don't need it" list (including an IUI cycle...).
I got my hopes up on the first time home buyers tax credit, only to realize it was only extended through 2011 if you are in the military or a government worker. Seriously? So because we aren't in the military and don't work for any "military intelligence" agency we don't qualify. So STUPID, I wouldn't be upset if it was just military but to include those working in an agency is ridiculous. I worked taking care of the elderly, and James helped feed the chickens which provide eggs over a huge area of the US. We matter too! lol So there goes the hope of maybe getting the 8,000 back for that.
Do you know what a financial relief that would have been? Oh well, wish and want in one hand and...well you know the rest (if you don't I can fill you in haha). I should be thankful for what I have: the opportunity to go to school, having a job, my husband having a job with insurance, a warm house, a puppy dog that loves us, the opportunity to help M, and availability to good medical care (even if cost to help get pregnant is ridiculous!).
Which does lead me to another area...did you realize that you can claim costs to get pregnant (IUI, IVF, all medications) and pregnancy tests on your taxes in same area you add up your cost of prescriptions and medical bills and such. It just has to equal 7.5% or more of your AGI (adjusted gross income). Which sadly for us is like 4,000 this year. And I think we are going to be right around a thousand short. Which means we won't be able to itemize again this year after all.
Things going on this week:
Tuesday - exam 1 for RN program. I can only miss 5 questions else I fail. (eeeek)
Thursday - Court for finalized termination of N's Custody (same time as school...)
Friday - Follow up for all of my crazy test results
Saturday - Game night for my sister's birthday.
And then...
Sunday - Sister's B-day lunch and then James' family Christmas both at our house.
And I have to tell you something else in this huge book of a blog post....
Church has been helping me feel more thankful for our infertility and loss thus far. If we had a baby at this point we probably wouldn't have been able to help M. Especially due to day care costs and school, and Michigan's new law that you have to WORK 20 hours a week to get assistance. Even when your school tells you to work 10-15 hours at maximum to do best in your program. All because of those who abuse the system. :-(
Oh and M has been having chest pains but got dropped from insurance and we have to try to get him added to our insurance (which means we have to get custody/guardianship switched over =$150 that we don't really have at this point and time) OR get him to apply for state aid as an individual. Which should get him food stamps and insurance. Which would be pretty nice for the help. But he seems to think it would mean he could get snack food, soda, and expensive meat and sea food. :-( Which he could, because it would be in his name. But tell me how that would help with him eating meals with us (he does eat quite a bit...he is a growing teenage boy! Parents aren't kidding when they talk about how much teenage boys eat!)
Ok I am done, for real this time. Tylenol. Homework. Dinner. Nap. Studying. Cleaning....Life! *sigh*
Friday, January 20, 2012
Court Hearing and Other Ponderings
Well the court hearing wasn't what I had expected. Basically this is what happened...
* they talked about what allegedly had happened
* from their dad's admission of his actions
* and the kids' testimonies of what happened.
*N & K cried.
*N asked for a lawyer to be appointed to him
*N's parental rights were suspended
*He may not see, speak to his kids directly or indirectly (phone included), and he may not visit K's new apartment.
* K was "advised" to seek "whatever services available"
*Later got told this means court ordered counseling in next step and if K doesn't listen A is out of her custody as well.
*Court was adjourned until Jan 26th @ 1pm
*Which happens to be a class day for me so James is going to have to go...unless I talk to my teacher (sigh)
Then we learned...
*We are on our own to figure out how to get help both financially and for counseling for M due to being in different county.
*We both feel sorry for N due to him not seeking help, and his mother not helping him get help
*What nits of head lice look like (little sister has it...I felt like a monkey looking through her hair for 2 hours.)
*And decided I am going to get a pixie cut if I ever get lice
*And found out I am a darn good nit picker...literally. the OCD of grossness wouldn't let me give up looking til I thought I had them ALL.
*Finances SUCK and thus we shouldnt even dream about IUI or ttc.
*and then I started getting EWM and thought what day would be next for perfect timing of every other day.
So there...my day in a nutshell.
Nap time, dinner, work, and lots of homework to do =(
Crazy...
It has been a weird day today. Sat in on a seminar on infertility treatments and diagnosis. Realized how not alone James and I are in this journey. Like in real life, not cyberland blogger friends that I cannot hug or eat ice cream with while I cry over the loss of babies and huge "blessing" of infertility I have (sigh) but real tangible people. None of which
Saw a man have a seizure and be taken away by ambulance, and his wife fighting back tears joke and say, "If you didn't want kids, you could have just told me". A woman who was going to be doing IUI with frozen donor sperm. Learned that IVF patients used to have to mix together their injectible meds themselves in their homes, thankfully now most come in dial pens (like for diabetes).
And then learned that IUI with clomid will cost us anywhere from 480 - 800 each try. Yikes! Too much going on in my head, homework will have to wait because I have to sleep...Family Court tomorrow.
Hopefully will officially have custody of M soon. They are taking away Uncle N's parental rights. And hopefully plopping his ass into prison.
All I know is life is crazy.
Saw a man have a seizure and be taken away by ambulance, and his wife fighting back tears joke and say, "If you didn't want kids, you could have just told me". A woman who was going to be doing IUI with frozen donor sperm. Learned that IVF patients used to have to mix together their injectible meds themselves in their homes, thankfully now most come in dial pens (like for diabetes).
And then learned that IUI with clomid will cost us anywhere from 480 - 800 each try. Yikes! Too much going on in my head, homework will have to wait because I have to sleep...Family Court tomorrow.
Hopefully will officially have custody of M soon. They are taking away Uncle N's parental rights. And hopefully plopping his ass into prison.
All I know is life is crazy.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Life
Ok so I will be honest I am tired of being angry, bitter, and full of anxiety and lack of patience.
I get irritated so easily lately it is ridiculous. When I got into my follow up doctor appointment this month I am going to ask about pregnancy safe anxiety meds. I think I need them. I think it would help the blood pressure from stress/worrying, and I think I would sleep better.
On other quite grotesque and embarrassing news I have been showing signs of BV again, magically after we BD'd. So I google, of course, and it leads me to the possibility of a sperm allergy. Seriously? I have wondered before just because everything else is crazy with me, why not add that to the mix too! So if I still have BV type symptoms (it still disgusts me to think about...but at least don't get the fishy smell that is typical of BV....Gross!) I will bring it up on my follow up appointment. I wish they could move it up sooner but they are saving those spots for "OB patients" Thanks. That's nice to tell infertile messed up uterus me.
I started the nursing program yesterday. And I am still super anxious. I have so much reading to do tonight it isn't funny.
And to top it all off I need to go up to DHS to ask for "Ineligible Grantee Funds" for M. This whole case is a disaster. Want to know why the rape kit on A wasn't done within the first 72 hours? It is because no one reported the actual date of the sexual abuse. Seriously? I assumed it has been told that it was that weekend. This whole situation pisses me off. I get so stressed out and anxious because N isn't in prison yet and Aunt K is in la la land believing now that the molestation never happened because the rape kit shows "all structures normal".
Your daughter admitted to it! Seriously, you are going to choose your husband over your children? Shoot me now!
And my Mom called and my little sister got head lice from Aunt K's house yesterday. And to top it off Jo rubbed her head on me so now I am freaking out about head lice and have to buy a bottle to treat myself. While washing our bedding and freaking out about it being on my pillows.
Overall, I wish I could back to mid December and have a do over. Seriously...where are those anxiety meds? I may need a drink if I don't get some! I did 15 minutes of Yoga and 15 minutes of Zumba 2 days ago and it was wonderful, and even got me a bit sore. I should go do something constructive so I can leave home before 4:00 to try to head into town to DHS.
Gahh! I give up!!!!!! I am so stressed it is ridiculous!
I get irritated so easily lately it is ridiculous. When I got into my follow up doctor appointment this month I am going to ask about pregnancy safe anxiety meds. I think I need them. I think it would help the blood pressure from stress/worrying, and I think I would sleep better.
On other quite grotesque and embarrassing news I have been showing signs of BV again, magically after we BD'd. So I google, of course, and it leads me to the possibility of a sperm allergy. Seriously? I have wondered before just because everything else is crazy with me, why not add that to the mix too! So if I still have BV type symptoms (it still disgusts me to think about...but at least don't get the fishy smell that is typical of BV....Gross!) I will bring it up on my follow up appointment. I wish they could move it up sooner but they are saving those spots for "OB patients" Thanks. That's nice to tell infertile messed up uterus me.
I started the nursing program yesterday. And I am still super anxious. I have so much reading to do tonight it isn't funny.
And to top it all off I need to go up to DHS to ask for "Ineligible Grantee Funds" for M. This whole case is a disaster. Want to know why the rape kit on A wasn't done within the first 72 hours? It is because no one reported the actual date of the sexual abuse. Seriously? I assumed it has been told that it was that weekend. This whole situation pisses me off. I get so stressed out and anxious because N isn't in prison yet and Aunt K is in la la land believing now that the molestation never happened because the rape kit shows "all structures normal".
Your daughter admitted to it! Seriously, you are going to choose your husband over your children? Shoot me now!
And my Mom called and my little sister got head lice from Aunt K's house yesterday. And to top it off Jo rubbed her head on me so now I am freaking out about head lice and have to buy a bottle to treat myself. While washing our bedding and freaking out about it being on my pillows.
Overall, I wish I could back to mid December and have a do over. Seriously...where are those anxiety meds? I may need a drink if I don't get some! I did 15 minutes of Yoga and 15 minutes of Zumba 2 days ago and it was wonderful, and even got me a bit sore. I should go do something constructive so I can leave home before 4:00 to try to head into town to DHS.
Gahh! I give up!!!!!! I am so stressed it is ridiculous!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tax Season
I have started organizing things for tax time.
Even with my lack of organization I have documented that we have paid....
585 for lab fees and doctor visits (I know I am missing quite a bit from all the medical stuff)
850 for prescriptions
400 for glasses
320 for work related expenses (not including shoes for me and boots for James)
I am really hoping for a decent sized chunk for our tax return this year. Last year we were very happy, this year it will be our first year with our house! And with me being somewhat organized for medical and work related expenses.
I'm not going to lie I am pretty excited...eeeeeek!
EDIT: hahaha Guess what? I totally lucked out my pharmacies and doctor offices will print out how much we have paid in for 2011. This EXCITES me! Now if I can find out if the lab would do the same thing...
Also I am getting a refund for a mess up on work pulling out medical premiums after I had canceled. It would have been nice to have insurance still in order to double up on tests, but alas...I canceled it because I kept forgetting to use it. Slacker, I know. Plus it was 80 a month for just me...and I didn't want to spend it when we already had insurance. We are spoiled because James gives us good free insurance through his work. If only it would cover infertility, that would be even more WONDERFUL.
Even with my lack of organization I have documented that we have paid....
585 for lab fees and doctor visits (I know I am missing quite a bit from all the medical stuff)
850 for prescriptions
400 for glasses
320 for work related expenses (not including shoes for me and boots for James)
I am really hoping for a decent sized chunk for our tax return this year. Last year we were very happy, this year it will be our first year with our house! And with me being somewhat organized for medical and work related expenses.
I'm not going to lie I am pretty excited...eeeeeek!
EDIT: hahaha Guess what? I totally lucked out my pharmacies and doctor offices will print out how much we have paid in for 2011. This EXCITES me! Now if I can find out if the lab would do the same thing...
Also I am getting a refund for a mess up on work pulling out medical premiums after I had canceled. It would have been nice to have insurance still in order to double up on tests, but alas...I canceled it because I kept forgetting to use it. Slacker, I know. Plus it was 80 a month for just me...and I didn't want to spend it when we already had insurance. We are spoiled because James gives us good free insurance through his work. If only it would cover infertility, that would be even more WONDERFUL.
Hours in a Week
There are 168 hours in a week.
This is my break down for my first half of semester:
56 hours.....Sleep - I am planning on getting good rest whenever possible this is 8 hours a day (112 left)
14 hours.....Preparing/Eating Food - 2 hours a day. They had this as an average. (98 left)
7 hours.......Personal Hygiene - 1 Hour a Day (91 left)
12 hours.....Class & Drive time to class - 2 days/week class 4.5 with 1.5 drive time - 6hrs a day (79 left)
12 hours.....Studying - They said to plan on this amount (67 left)
28 hours.....Work (3 days) & Drive Time (39 left)
6 hours.......Exercise - hoping to add 1 hour 3x a week + drive time to gym (33 left)
7 hours.......Wind down time before sleep & wake up time - 1 hour a day (26 left)
4 hours.......Cleaning house 30 min a day (22 left)
2 hours.......Church (20 left)
20 hours left for free time, family, relaxation, friends, God, TV, paying Bills, blogging, and all the little stuff we don't think about.
I REALLY need to make God and his word a priority in my life again. Even if it is one chapter in my Bible, a chapter in one of the Power of Praying books, reading my devotional via email, and adding more prayer time with God.
TV shows are going to slack for awhile LOL. On DVR (when the seasons are new) I watch: Once Upon a Time, House, Biggest Loser, New Girl, Terra Nova, Grimm, Last Man Standing, Parenthood, Extreme Couponing, Sister Wives, 19 Kids and Counting and probably a couple others lol. Not to mention Criminal Minds when it is on.
My name is Jessica and I have a TV watching problem. Oh boy.
And the above I said is for the beginning of the semester. Starting close to April I will be in class 4x a week. And for clinical might have to drive instead of 45 min to school...like over an hour and a half depending on location and lovely Michigan weather.
Gahhhh *sigh* I am going to take advantage of these last 5 nights off I can promise you this!
This is my break down for my first half of semester:
56 hours.....Sleep - I am planning on getting good rest whenever possible this is 8 hours a day (112 left)
14 hours.....Preparing/Eating Food - 2 hours a day. They had this as an average. (98 left)
7 hours.......Personal Hygiene - 1 Hour a Day (91 left)
12 hours.....Class & Drive time to class - 2 days/week class 4.5 with 1.5 drive time - 6hrs a day (79 left)
12 hours.....Studying - They said to plan on this amount (67 left)
28 hours.....Work (3 days) & Drive Time (39 left)
6 hours.......Exercise - hoping to add 1 hour 3x a week + drive time to gym (33 left)
7 hours.......Wind down time before sleep & wake up time - 1 hour a day (26 left)
4 hours.......Cleaning house 30 min a day (22 left)
2 hours.......Church (20 left)
20 hours left for free time, family, relaxation, friends, God, TV, paying Bills, blogging, and all the little stuff we don't think about.
I REALLY need to make God and his word a priority in my life again. Even if it is one chapter in my Bible, a chapter in one of the Power of Praying books, reading my devotional via email, and adding more prayer time with God.
TV shows are going to slack for awhile LOL. On DVR (when the seasons are new) I watch: Once Upon a Time, House, Biggest Loser, New Girl, Terra Nova, Grimm, Last Man Standing, Parenthood, Extreme Couponing, Sister Wives, 19 Kids and Counting and probably a couple others lol. Not to mention Criminal Minds when it is on.
My name is Jessica and I have a TV watching problem. Oh boy.
And the above I said is for the beginning of the semester. Starting close to April I will be in class 4x a week. And for clinical might have to drive instead of 45 min to school...like over an hour and a half depending on location and lovely Michigan weather.
Gahhhh *sigh* I am going to take advantage of these last 5 nights off I can promise you this!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Grief and Anxiety.
I have been very sad lately. Depressed maybe, but anxiety has definitely taken over my life as of lately.
I want so deeply for the A & M issue to be solved, for A to be with my Mom instead of Aunt K, for M to get into counseling and be able to open up emotionally more. For him to realize that he needs to put more effort into school.
I yearn to see another positive pregnancy test. My heart aches at the thought of being done ttc for awhile. Because honestly, it doesn't make sense to me to stop. I have a 50% chance of carrying to term, without factoring in my clotting disorder or miscarriages. I should have still had a 20% chance each cycle to get pregnant. But now I have one tube. One. So now I have a 10% chance. Mixed with PCOS crappy ovulation. haha I feel up against a wall. I am not ready to accept we will not experience pregnancy and hold a healthy baby in our arms.
I am going to the fertility seminar next week at this time, I am excited and anxious. It would be LOVELY to find out my insurance will cover some medicines, and possibly IUI. James is okay with me going. I told him I just want to know what will be recommended.
Friends, I really hope one day in the future it will be me that is able to announce my pregnancy to friends and family. To post updates on facebook. I want to see the excitement and joy on our parents faces when we tell them the gender of their new grand baby (after delivery! haha). I want to see them hold them close as a new born. I want to see my husband talk to my belly, and see his reaction when he realizes he is a daddy.
I am afraid I will never experience these things.
And it terrifies me.
I will be honest, I pretty much have given up hope of giving birth to a 2012 baby.
I am still praying for May 2012 to hold some sort of significance because of my Prayer Doodle.
So far half of it has began to come true. The part on the right has began to be true. I have been accepted into the RN program, and am beginning the Spring semester this year. The part of the left we can kind of say was true. After September's cycle, October 1st there were lots of tears, but were paired with a sad face and not a happy face. Failed cycle :-( Followed by false hope in November.
So I am still hopeful for the tears of joy with two dark pink lines. I don't even care if two babies do come out of it. I would be content and satisfied with one healthy little baby. But the logical part of me says...ummmm Jessica *snap snap* wake up, back to reality.
Another thing, I think I must change towards people once they get pregnant or have babies. I don't mean to but friends I see in real life, and those I used to talk to (not guilt tripping anyone at all!) once they get pregnant they fall off the face of the earth. Part of it probably is days like today I can't deal with it without tears forming in my eyes. I keep thinking that a couple of our close friends will announce any month now that they are on to baby number two. How will I feel then?
Ok I am done with the pity party. I didn't mean to go there...but it happened. I am going to be asking my doctor about finding an anxiety pill that is safe for use when ttc. And I am going to join the gym by the end of February (would love to join by the end of January but probably won't happen).
I need to end on a positive note.
So here it is: my work has continued to pull out medical premium for insurance in spite of me canceling. SO I will either get an extra 168 dollars back, or be able to take our 865 dollars we owe for all of our procedures down to less than 200 with doubling up on insurance. So it depends if they truly canceled it properly OR did they just forget to stop pulling it out? Either way I am excited. The extra money would help me be able to join gym in January and pay off some debt, having insurance would lower the bill. So either way it is a win win for me.
ALSO...my next pay check will be pretty short BUT guess what? I have 5 nights off in a row!! Unless they call me in. Which would be okay, because I could use the time and a half or double time! :-)
I want so deeply for the A & M issue to be solved, for A to be with my Mom instead of Aunt K, for M to get into counseling and be able to open up emotionally more. For him to realize that he needs to put more effort into school.
I yearn to see another positive pregnancy test. My heart aches at the thought of being done ttc for awhile. Because honestly, it doesn't make sense to me to stop. I have a 50% chance of carrying to term, without factoring in my clotting disorder or miscarriages. I should have still had a 20% chance each cycle to get pregnant. But now I have one tube. One. So now I have a 10% chance. Mixed with PCOS crappy ovulation. haha I feel up against a wall. I am not ready to accept we will not experience pregnancy and hold a healthy baby in our arms.
I am going to the fertility seminar next week at this time, I am excited and anxious. It would be LOVELY to find out my insurance will cover some medicines, and possibly IUI. James is okay with me going. I told him I just want to know what will be recommended.
Friends, I really hope one day in the future it will be me that is able to announce my pregnancy to friends and family. To post updates on facebook. I want to see the excitement and joy on our parents faces when we tell them the gender of their new grand baby (after delivery! haha). I want to see them hold them close as a new born. I want to see my husband talk to my belly, and see his reaction when he realizes he is a daddy.
I am afraid I will never experience these things.
And it terrifies me.
I will be honest, I pretty much have given up hope of giving birth to a 2012 baby.
I am still praying for May 2012 to hold some sort of significance because of my Prayer Doodle.
So far half of it has began to come true. The part on the right has began to be true. I have been accepted into the RN program, and am beginning the Spring semester this year. The part of the left we can kind of say was true. After September's cycle, October 1st there were lots of tears, but were paired with a sad face and not a happy face. Failed cycle :-( Followed by false hope in November.
So I am still hopeful for the tears of joy with two dark pink lines. I don't even care if two babies do come out of it. I would be content and satisfied with one healthy little baby. But the logical part of me says...ummmm Jessica *snap snap* wake up, back to reality.
Another thing, I think I must change towards people once they get pregnant or have babies. I don't mean to but friends I see in real life, and those I used to talk to (not guilt tripping anyone at all!) once they get pregnant they fall off the face of the earth. Part of it probably is days like today I can't deal with it without tears forming in my eyes. I keep thinking that a couple of our close friends will announce any month now that they are on to baby number two. How will I feel then?
Ok I am done with the pity party. I didn't mean to go there...but it happened. I am going to be asking my doctor about finding an anxiety pill that is safe for use when ttc. And I am going to join the gym by the end of February (would love to join by the end of January but probably won't happen).
I need to end on a positive note.
So here it is: my work has continued to pull out medical premium for insurance in spite of me canceling. SO I will either get an extra 168 dollars back, or be able to take our 865 dollars we owe for all of our procedures down to less than 200 with doubling up on insurance. So it depends if they truly canceled it properly OR did they just forget to stop pulling it out? Either way I am excited. The extra money would help me be able to join gym in January and pay off some debt, having insurance would lower the bill. So either way it is a win win for me.
ALSO...my next pay check will be pretty short BUT guess what? I have 5 nights off in a row!! Unless they call me in. Which would be okay, because I could use the time and a half or double time! :-)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Freak Out
Ok so I did my nursing orientation yesterday. Holy toots was it a little overwhelming. Okay, A LOT overwhelming. I had 2.5 hours of sleep and had to sit through 5 hours of information pertaining to the program.
Facts like:
They want us to only work 10-15 hours a week for the first trimester.
HA! I do NOT have the funds to just work one or 2 days a pay period every week. Lets face it, it may have to happened towards February and through May but I will not let our finances go down the shitter due to school. If i have to work my ass off on little sleep, that is what will have to happen.
They want us to study 3 hours a week for every credit hour, but because of how shortened the first class is she said to make it like 6 per credit hour..
FYI this means for the first five weeks I should be studying 12 hours a week for the first class. And then for the rest of the semester 18 hours a week. They had us break down the hours in a week and subtract everything to see how much time we had left for "personal activities" basically LIFE. IT was kind of eye opening: I may fall off the face of blogger.
I honestly don't know what I got myself into. With adding M to my plate, school, and looking further into my infertility issues...I don't think the stress ball they gave us will be enough to relieve the stress. I seriously think I am going to have to join the gym so I can just exercise away any anxiety and worry pertaining to life in general.
So I am freaking out about school, but also feeling a slight pity party/depression over all things fertility. I jokingly say things like, "Well God decided he doesn't want me to be a Mom" when people tell me they are now ttc. Just because I am like really? Your cigarette smokinng lazy butt is trying to get pregnant? And probably will be successful but my husband and I who have been ttc for a year and a half cannot even have ONE child together? How is this fair God? I mean seriously? I don't get it. I understand that I probably would do better in the nursing program without the added "stress" of having a child. But I feel quite unloved by you at times for the holding back on what my heart desires. I know that you know what is best for me, but it doesn't make ANY sense to me when I see co-workers getting pregnant, people who in high school were drunk sluts, and quite honestly the amount of people they tell me "it was an accident/surprise" At times I seriously think, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this?
The one thing in life I want to be is a mother. The ONE thing that I don't know if I could do without, is hearing a little one call me mommy, and not having it be on accident. My heart cries out every day that I see little kids or pregnant bellies. It just doesn't seem fair at all. And to my fellow IFers that are pregnant at the moment. Know this post isn't about you, in my jealous fit of rage and depression I may avoid your blogs, but know I am So incredibly happy for you. Because you too know the pain that sitting in my shoes causes your heart.
I often wonder if I will still be wearing the tread bare shoes of infertility for years to come. And that thought shakes me to the core. I would love for biological kids to come before adoptive children so they will never think they are second best, but honestly I cannot accept the fact at this point that adoption will be the only way we will every grow our family. Not until we have tried everything else. And to me this includes IVF. My husband on the otherhand...he would be content with just saving up for adoption now I think.
I really need to take my mind off TTC and focus on paying off debt and learning to live life in the present again. I am not the best woman to be around at times lately. I need to fall back in love with God's word and allow Him to give me peace about my current situations. And stop worrying about EVERYTHING.
think I am neurotic. Some one save me from myself. Once we have taxes back, this fat chica is joining the gym. I will meet my goal of losing at least 10% of body weight this year. (I know high goal haha, but I wanted to 100% be able to obtain it...). 20 pounds...I can do this! If anything, it will help the health heart and hopefully help with my mood and all things pertaining to ttc. 180 lbs here I come!
Facts like:
They want us to only work 10-15 hours a week for the first trimester.
HA! I do NOT have the funds to just work one or 2 days a pay period every week. Lets face it, it may have to happened towards February and through May but I will not let our finances go down the shitter due to school. If i have to work my ass off on little sleep, that is what will have to happen.
They want us to study 3 hours a week for every credit hour, but because of how shortened the first class is she said to make it like 6 per credit hour..
FYI this means for the first five weeks I should be studying 12 hours a week for the first class. And then for the rest of the semester 18 hours a week. They had us break down the hours in a week and subtract everything to see how much time we had left for "personal activities" basically LIFE. IT was kind of eye opening: I may fall off the face of blogger.
I honestly don't know what I got myself into. With adding M to my plate, school, and looking further into my infertility issues...I don't think the stress ball they gave us will be enough to relieve the stress. I seriously think I am going to have to join the gym so I can just exercise away any anxiety and worry pertaining to life in general.
So I am freaking out about school, but also feeling a slight pity party/depression over all things fertility. I jokingly say things like, "Well God decided he doesn't want me to be a Mom" when people tell me they are now ttc. Just because I am like really? Your cigarette smokinng lazy butt is trying to get pregnant? And probably will be successful but my husband and I who have been ttc for a year and a half cannot even have ONE child together? How is this fair God? I mean seriously? I don't get it. I understand that I probably would do better in the nursing program without the added "stress" of having a child. But I feel quite unloved by you at times for the holding back on what my heart desires. I know that you know what is best for me, but it doesn't make ANY sense to me when I see co-workers getting pregnant, people who in high school were drunk sluts, and quite honestly the amount of people they tell me "it was an accident/surprise" At times I seriously think, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this?
The one thing in life I want to be is a mother. The ONE thing that I don't know if I could do without, is hearing a little one call me mommy, and not having it be on accident. My heart cries out every day that I see little kids or pregnant bellies. It just doesn't seem fair at all. And to my fellow IFers that are pregnant at the moment. Know this post isn't about you, in my jealous fit of rage and depression I may avoid your blogs, but know I am So incredibly happy for you. Because you too know the pain that sitting in my shoes causes your heart.
I often wonder if I will still be wearing the tread bare shoes of infertility for years to come. And that thought shakes me to the core. I would love for biological kids to come before adoptive children so they will never think they are second best, but honestly I cannot accept the fact at this point that adoption will be the only way we will every grow our family. Not until we have tried everything else. And to me this includes IVF. My husband on the otherhand...he would be content with just saving up for adoption now I think.
I really need to take my mind off TTC and focus on paying off debt and learning to live life in the present again. I am not the best woman to be around at times lately. I need to fall back in love with God's word and allow Him to give me peace about my current situations. And stop worrying about EVERYTHING.
think I am neurotic. Some one save me from myself. Once we have taxes back, this fat chica is joining the gym. I will meet my goal of losing at least 10% of body weight this year. (I know high goal haha, but I wanted to 100% be able to obtain it...). 20 pounds...I can do this! If anything, it will help the health heart and hopefully help with my mood and all things pertaining to ttc. 180 lbs here I come!
Monday, January 9, 2012
CD 3 Blood Results & Rant
Well CD3 test results were good!
FSH - 5.0
Estradiol - 36
The FSH we wanted it to be below 10, the Estradiol needed to be below 80.
So I should be golden when it comes to premature ovarian failure or diminished ovarian reserve. Seems that I must just have PCOS. Which means my goal of losing weight needs to happen sooner rather than later.
I have been thinking about going back on prism so I could lose weight like I did last time. And join the gym. In six weeks I lost 20 lbs last time I did prism. Granted I started out at 225. I am around 205 now.
I should join the gym to relieve stress if not for all the other benefits. I miss Zumba as well. *screams!*
My frustration towards M isn't helping any either. He chose to spend the night at his mom's tonight. Really? Not the best choice. And it pisses me off. I want to know if every time he gets mad because we punish him, is he going to try running back to his mom's? If so she can pick up his crap and pay the $125 for the 17th counseling and not us.
Seriously, I could rip my hair out. Work is also not willing to move me to weekends only. And another coworker with more sonority signed the job post so I won't get it. FML.
Oh yeah, and then M's teacher tells me, "You guys aren't parents yet so you'll understand when you have your own kids." Um...try we are parents to four little babies in heaven. It isn't our fault we don't have baby in our arms! She did try to later explain that the expectations we have for M need to be re-evaluated because the expectations we have are the ones we would have for our babies from birth. Meaning the child would grow up with it and it would be normal, and to M it feels stifling.
Damn Aunt K for being a shitty mother, a shitty parent. And darn her for making me swear more from my frustrations bubbling over. Shoot me now. Please. Ok not literally, or maybe just in the foot or left arm...haha.
Oh boy. GAAH. I have to go get the police report from yesterday's accident to get my points for work get removed. And go print off massive amounts of papers from KCC. Tomorrow is orientation for RN program too...so I am going to be gone noon to five and come home to deal with M and all his craziness.
FSH - 5.0
Estradiol - 36
The FSH we wanted it to be below 10, the Estradiol needed to be below 80.
So I should be golden when it comes to premature ovarian failure or diminished ovarian reserve. Seems that I must just have PCOS. Which means my goal of losing weight needs to happen sooner rather than later.
I have been thinking about going back on prism so I could lose weight like I did last time. And join the gym. In six weeks I lost 20 lbs last time I did prism. Granted I started out at 225. I am around 205 now.
I should join the gym to relieve stress if not for all the other benefits. I miss Zumba as well. *screams!*
My frustration towards M isn't helping any either. He chose to spend the night at his mom's tonight. Really? Not the best choice. And it pisses me off. I want to know if every time he gets mad because we punish him, is he going to try running back to his mom's? If so she can pick up his crap and pay the $125 for the 17th counseling and not us.
Seriously, I could rip my hair out. Work is also not willing to move me to weekends only. And another coworker with more sonority signed the job post so I won't get it. FML.
Oh yeah, and then M's teacher tells me, "You guys aren't parents yet so you'll understand when you have your own kids." Um...try we are parents to four little babies in heaven. It isn't our fault we don't have baby in our arms! She did try to later explain that the expectations we have for M need to be re-evaluated because the expectations we have are the ones we would have for our babies from birth. Meaning the child would grow up with it and it would be normal, and to M it feels stifling.
Damn Aunt K for being a shitty mother, a shitty parent. And darn her for making me swear more from my frustrations bubbling over. Shoot me now. Please. Ok not literally, or maybe just in the foot or left arm...haha.
Oh boy. GAAH. I have to go get the police report from yesterday's accident to get my points for work get removed. And go print off massive amounts of papers from KCC. Tomorrow is orientation for RN program too...so I am going to be gone noon to five and come home to deal with M and all his craziness.
2011 No More
It has been weird writing 2012 at the end of dates, but I have to say I am definitely not saddened by 2011 being gone.
January brought me the miscarriage of Sam. And enduring SIL's wedding with a heavy depression covering James and me.
March we moved into our new home, and I got a new job!
June brought us another chemical miscarriage.
And same with November
December brought news of unicornuate uterus. M & A being sexually abused...etc.
Needless to say I am glad 2011 is done and over.
2012 Hola! May you bring me better things!
I have made a list of a few goals of mine:
January brought me the miscarriage of Sam. And enduring SIL's wedding with a heavy depression covering James and me.
March we moved into our new home, and I got a new job!
June brought us another chemical miscarriage.
And same with November
December brought news of unicornuate uterus. M & A being sexually abused...etc.
Needless to say I am glad 2011 is done and over.
2012 Hola! May you bring me better things!
I have made a list of a few goals of mine:
- Get our emergency fund back.
- Pay off lots of debt.
- See an RE and do at least one monitored cycle.
- Get healthy: Exercise, Eat healthier, Loose at least 10% body weight (aka...20 lbs)
- Run a 5k (and I mean it this time!!)
- Get really good grades in the nursing program
- Get to see my own baby's heartbeat on ultrasound.
- Enjoy all wedding festivities of Jennifer's :-)
- Read the Bible and Pray for at least 10 minutes a day (gotta start some where).
- Don't strangle M when he drives me crazy (haha...jk kind of...)
- Get M into counseling.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Rear Ended...
So my sister Missy, friend L, and I went to a wedding, then to walmart for tights and a last minute wedding card. Things were good until we went to pull onto road from the parking lot.
Wham!
What the fuck? (Seriouslyy there wasn't a filter). My neck and back instantly hurt. L was pissed. I called and reported to police. We went and parked. I have to say I am proud of her little Alero. The mustang that hit us? It didn't fair so well. Half of the bumper was hanging.
We filed police report. Went to urgent care, and left with: diagnosis of whiplash, vicodin, 800mg ibuprofen, and flexiral.
No work for me tonight. Good think I'm not pregnant, I would have been terrified for the baby. Now I can take pain meds and not worry.
Another Crazy Resident Story
I am not gonna lie this is exactly what I needed tonight. I was feeling down about seeing so many pregnant women and mothers on fbook. Feeling down about my current situation: broken physically and financially and feeling unable to continue TTC.
Anyways I was finishing up with a resident, and all of a sudden she looks to the side of her bed and smiles ear to ear. She looks at me, pointing at the empy air, and says, "My! Look at the children! You have such a beautiful family!!" I laugh. My coworker says, "Really, Jess, I wanna knoww when your gonna start having a family." Kind of joking because she knows my struggle.
And I reply, thinking of my other resident interaction, "Well...I have had miscarriages..."
"FOUR!!!" She yelled out.
I just laugh and smile. She saw my babies! She saw my children. My family that's in heaven.
The moment was lost when Nichole trying to not be freaked out says, "Four what?" "Oh four bucks." LOL This lady though is the same one that looked at a coworker who had literally JUST found out she was pregnant, and only her husband knew, and said, "We are so excited for your new arrival!" But this time when she asked the resident "What?!" She replied...."You know, the baby."
AHHHH. I would love to have THAT interaction. For a resident to know I am pregnant, not for them to see my babies in heaven, but...for now I'll take knowing we make cute babies, and we are a cute family. And one day instead of knowing them in my heart, I will know them as I hold them in heaven.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Jealousy and Fatigue
I cannot explain how many women on my facebook and blogger are pregnant or have babes in their arms. At times it makes me feel like I am a good luck charm for others but myself...I cannot get pregnant. I am a jealous person. I have talked to so many people who thought they were having issues getting pregnant to get pregnant only the next month or the same month, I have talked to those who thought they were going to miscarry only to now have a baby in their arms. It makes me disgusted some days that women my age have three or four children and all I want is one. I waited, used protection..and now I get to wait and TTC with medication and learn or more medical issues. It breaks me down and makes me feel ridiculously jealous of all they get to experience.
But so is God in other ways, "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree. Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of this affliction eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are And how great your affections are for me."
God loves me and is jealous about the attention and the craving I have for my future babies over him.
Yet, do I change it? Nope. I stay stuck in my little rut feeling sorry for myself, wishing and waiting and crying out to God.
I need to admit to myself, now might not be the best time with everything else going on in my life. But the hope stays alive.
I need to admit: I don't have a relationship with God like I used to. I don't pray without ceasing, I don't thank him for all the little things I used to. I am a mess of a christian woman.
I undestand and can usually read about the women that are pregnant after infertility but those on facebook that are pregnant and complain about the little things? They drive me buggy.
I will be honest I took progesterone last night. I have been spotting since 11dpo and am currently 14dpo. This happened the cycle I got a very faint BFP and then days later got a BFN from beta. I am hoping the prometrium will help me hold onto the pregnancy if I am indeed am pregnant.
I am exhausted. Stress and lack of sleep have caught up with me, on top of my usually fatigue during the 2ww. Progesterone + me = one sleepy sleepy woman every month. I have seriously slept 14.5 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. And I am tired again. This could be from the prometrium. Or the fact I think I had a small bought of the flu. I haven't had the poopies in at least 8 hours now. So I would vow to say it is over.
But I have to work, and my house is a mess. It may have to stay a mess so I can sleep more. I am going to eat some cocoa wheats.
Small update on DHS...they FINALLY called me back after 3 voicemails leaning on the verge of being plain rude. Conclusion: my name isn't on the investigation, so I can know nothing. I won't know when it is complete. And I have to contact Aunt K to get full custody of M. Just what I wanted to do. He needs to start counseling.
Update on M's court date: after 5 hours in a packed hot waiting room with lack of seating for everyone we got a conclusion. A pink slip that says restitution for stolen item should be paid if the man requests it, 15 days in jail, and probation. All because of his juvenile record. Once going in front of a judge they decided that he needed to do counseling to decide for sure his sentencing. I sincerely hope that he will open up, explain the situation, that he is living with us now instead of his crazy/lazy mother. ((EDIT: I just saw on his pink slip that the counseling is $125 due upon counseling date. Holy Shiza.))
Update on school: I have orientation on the 10th. And classes start the 17th. I am nervous. Work still isn't agreeing to work with my schedule. I am going to talk to human resources today hopefully and ask about switching to weekends only. It was offered to me when I started, but declined because I wasn't sure when I was going to be starting the RN program. I didn't want to be stuck on 2 weekends on 1 off for two years before I started the RN program. I am nervous about being able to focus on school and finances with all the additional medical bills lately.
UGH!!!!! I am jealous of those that all of this comes easy to them, but thankful God sees me worthy to take this all on, with faith I am strong enough with Him by my side. I am exhausted of all the stress on my body, emotion, mental aspects, and with everything in general.
But so is God in other ways, "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree. Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of this affliction eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are And how great your affections are for me."
God loves me and is jealous about the attention and the craving I have for my future babies over him.
Yet, do I change it? Nope. I stay stuck in my little rut feeling sorry for myself, wishing and waiting and crying out to God.
I need to admit to myself, now might not be the best time with everything else going on in my life. But the hope stays alive.
I need to admit: I don't have a relationship with God like I used to. I don't pray without ceasing, I don't thank him for all the little things I used to. I am a mess of a christian woman.
I undestand and can usually read about the women that are pregnant after infertility but those on facebook that are pregnant and complain about the little things? They drive me buggy.
I will be honest I took progesterone last night. I have been spotting since 11dpo and am currently 14dpo. This happened the cycle I got a very faint BFP and then days later got a BFN from beta. I am hoping the prometrium will help me hold onto the pregnancy if I am indeed am pregnant.
I am exhausted. Stress and lack of sleep have caught up with me, on top of my usually fatigue during the 2ww. Progesterone + me = one sleepy sleepy woman every month. I have seriously slept 14.5 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. And I am tired again. This could be from the prometrium. Or the fact I think I had a small bought of the flu. I haven't had the poopies in at least 8 hours now. So I would vow to say it is over.
But I have to work, and my house is a mess. It may have to stay a mess so I can sleep more. I am going to eat some cocoa wheats.
Small update on DHS...they FINALLY called me back after 3 voicemails leaning on the verge of being plain rude. Conclusion: my name isn't on the investigation, so I can know nothing. I won't know when it is complete. And I have to contact Aunt K to get full custody of M. Just what I wanted to do. He needs to start counseling.
Update on M's court date: after 5 hours in a packed hot waiting room with lack of seating for everyone we got a conclusion. A pink slip that says restitution for stolen item should be paid if the man requests it, 15 days in jail, and probation. All because of his juvenile record. Once going in front of a judge they decided that he needed to do counseling to decide for sure his sentencing. I sincerely hope that he will open up, explain the situation, that he is living with us now instead of his crazy/lazy mother. ((EDIT: I just saw on his pink slip that the counseling is $125 due upon counseling date. Holy Shiza.))
Update on school: I have orientation on the 10th. And classes start the 17th. I am nervous. Work still isn't agreeing to work with my schedule. I am going to talk to human resources today hopefully and ask about switching to weekends only. It was offered to me when I started, but declined because I wasn't sure when I was going to be starting the RN program. I didn't want to be stuck on 2 weekends on 1 off for two years before I started the RN program. I am nervous about being able to focus on school and finances with all the additional medical bills lately.
UGH!!!!! I am jealous of those that all of this comes easy to them, but thankful God sees me worthy to take this all on, with faith I am strong enough with Him by my side. I am exhausted of all the stress on my body, emotion, mental aspects, and with everything in general.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Slacking
I thought I might have had a bought of early nausea due to pregnancy (ha! Wishful thinking). I have feel nauseated for the past 12+ hours. But I have had the poopies now, and red spotting, and my eyes hurt like I have a virus or a fever. I have managed not to throw up, but have dry heaved with a watery mouth several times.
Disgusting.
I really had hope. I was going to start my progesterone, but I am 100% sure I have the stomach bug that is going around and my period will be here in 2 days.
I feel like crap, so forgive me for slacking. Thank God I don't have to work tonight. I plan on sleeping the day away.
Disgusting.
I really had hope. I was going to start my progesterone, but I am 100% sure I have the stomach bug that is going around and my period will be here in 2 days.
I feel like crap, so forgive me for slacking. Thank God I don't have to work tonight. I plan on sleeping the day away.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Update on Life...Year Post later today.
Today is M's court date for the case of a stolen dirt bike. I honestly do not know if he took the bike or not. He has the bad boy reputation in his hometown, so whenever an illegal action happened (theft, breaking and entering, vandalism) they looked at M.
So I took a tardy so I can get some sleep before court today. Planning on snoozing, jumping into the shower (or vice versa bc I am coming home from work), getting ready, and heading to court. Then droping James off to work. And sometime in there calling DHS and my OB/GYN to see if ultrasound results are in yet. And maybe set up an appt to review everything.
Aunt K still has A, and A still hasn't had her rape kit done (surprise surprise...). Supposedly this week the 2 of them are moving into an apartment together. A told my mom "Mommy and Daddy are looking at apartments together." Oye vey! Seriously?! K still hasn't appologized to M, and tried setting up a counseling appt for today...his court day. Shouldn't his mother know the day?! Oh wait, she is a poor excuse of a woman, let alone a mother.
Which brings me to another point M defends her says she isn't the "worst" mother in the world. Sure I would think that too if I got away with everything under the sun, had no consequences, and didn't beat me within an inch of my life for acting the way he has (not literally, but you know what I mean!) In my head I think, yes...she isn't the worst mother she could have killed you like the psychos you see on tv. But a mom that allows her son if 11th grade to not know how to spell family (familey) or other simple words, allows his father to sexually abuse him, and does nothing to help him at all in the long run in life....that is a mother that competes for top. Because at least the psycho probably had a medical condition where voices in their head were talking to them...K? She is just lazy, depressed, and refused to find help for herself (and obviously her children).
Aaaahhh. To top all of this off...I can't sleep. Sleeping is next to impossible lately. I am pooped. And I know part of it is where I am at in my cycle. I always get exhausted post ovulation. Exhaustion + stress + crazy vivid dreams + anxiety = one cranky and mentally, physically, and emotionally drained me.
Today I am about 11 dpo. My nips are hurting. But thay could go both ways. I am pooped, but that is pretty normal. My nails are growing strong (well were until I picked at them due to stress...). I have occasionally been cramping. Oh and yesterday I had a tinge of yellowish CM when wiping, and then a stringy brown tiny bit of CM when checking cervix. All could go either way. I should know within 4-6 days.
It would be pretty darn amazing to get a BFP for the new year. If so...CTP says I would be due Sept 14th, which would be fine by me. Praying for sometime this year to deliver a healthy full term baby. Or at very least see a strong heart beat on several ultrasounds.
Oh and I forgot the ovary with one cyst on it...is the one not hooked up. And technician said they looked normal. Now to wait for my Dr to call me and do some explaining about results and tell future plan of action.
Blllaaaahhhh!!
I am pooped!
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